It hurts my feelings when my grandmother makes excused for her previous caregiver that did not treat her right.

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My gma is always making excuses for her previous poa/caregiver that treated her horrible. I bust my butt caring for her and my two son's alone. SHe's 88, immobile. Req's alot of care. the previous poa/caregiver (her son) won't do anything for us not even call her. The first month she was here she waited on him to show everyday, then 2nd month it was waitin on calls, now I have to dail the phone up to 8 times a night and they never answer. I just want to scream, THEY DON'T CARE! She'll get on the phone with other relatives or friends and make excuse after excuse. It's to the point my feelings are hurt and the few times a months her son comes to see her he acts like it's all good and ignores the comments she makes bout phone, and time he with her. It's eating at me horribly. She knows it's wrong the way him and his family trated her and stole from her but it's like it's all okay cause it's her only son.


How did POA get transferred to you?

There are strong emotional pressures that motivate our excuse making. In this case, mothers who are loyal to their sons can make an awful lot of excuses for them. They want to think that he's perfect in every way. That he's still the young sweet thing running around in his diaper with a smile that would melt your heart every time he did something wrong and got caught. In her mind, something along the way made him angry while caregiving so she's chosen to let it ride because in the hopes, perhaps, that he'd "see the light" (whatever light that is) and eventually make amends.

In sum, excuses are a common psychological method of shifting blame and keeping the self-image intact when faced with negative feedback. That loyalty, then, makes her see what she wants to see in her son. And no one else -- including you -- will ever measure up to him, and competing with his image will be a losing proposition every time.

When she compares you to him or makes any disparaging remarks against you, respond with "I'm all you have right now." Don't say anything negative about him, as it'll only strengthen that loyalty and encourage her to make even more elaborate excuses.

Wish you the best.

-- ED
How did POA get transferred to you?
It's a long story with the transfer of POA. I was a big part of her care when she was still at her home. There was me and a step-brother of my ex husband helping. When the 2 of us and my grandma's niece's address issues with her son. we ALL was basically banded. these was major issues. Shortly after that day the nieces contacted APS. But by the time a home visit was made the son had moved her out of state. SHe was with them for 8wks, ended up at a hospital in that state and she contacted me. She told me then that she couldn't go back there 'causes thing just aren't like they should be' She revoked his POA before she came here. she came home with me and my sons few months back and decided to give me POA within the last 4-6weeks she's immobile and I have to handle banking and so forth. I think she was mainly concerned cause her nieces said her son would have say so if she ever had issues cause he closest kine.
Thanks alot ED that helped alot and made alot of sense

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