I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

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I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 21/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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My 81 year old Dad lived with my wife and kids after my Mom passed for almost a year. He drove us crazy with his opposite political rants/racism and monopolized every conversation. My kids are still little in elementary school and I feel like I was missing out on their lives, always helping my Dad. It really put a strain on my relationship with my wife. He got mad that I wanted to charge him $400 a month and left. Now he wants to come back and I'm not having it. I feel super guilty although am done being his caregiver. He has enough money to live in a retirement community although is the cheapest man alive and wont sell off his stocks to move in. So, he's angry at me... although I'm learning to live with it. It's crazy frustrating.
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I got to the same point with my mother when I knew it was time for her to move to an Assisted Living home she refused and moved into a senior living apartment complex instead. She couldn't handle taking care of herself, the dog, and apartment space. She was tired all the time could not get the laundry done. And the apartment was really starting to smell because she would not take the dog out to go to the bathroom. She finally had a seizure and they said she could not live on her own and she had to go into assisted living. It was hard to tell her to go. But my husband and I did it. I knew she would fail at living by herself but she is bull headed and would not listen to reason. She is in assisted living now and has had many more falls since and I still have to take care of her when she goes to the hospital. There is no other family around to help me. Her sisters in three years have seen her for a total of 7 days in two separate trips and have decided that she is fine there is nothing the matter with her. She can't remember what day it is and is asking me where her checkbook is every other day, we took it away because she was giving all her money away. When she can't write a check any longer she wouldn't know how to, she has no money and just expects me to come up with it for her. She can hardly read any longer because she doesn't know what many of the words mean or what a sentence is saying. No, I didn't want to spend my life taking care of her. My brother is of no help he is three states away. And she lives for seeing him, the blessed child that can do no wrong. I'm the sh!t in the corner when he is around, and even when he is not. It would be okay, if he would actually help to take care of her. But he doesn't. He has come to see her once in three years for a week. He calls. That's all he has to do. He threw all of her belongings away. Guess who has had to hear about that for the last 3 years. And replace the items that I have been able to. My best suggestion is don't take them in ever. Because even if you can get them out you still have to take care of them. Did my mom or dad ever take care of their parents? NO. Why do I? Will my son take care of me? No. Not on your life unless I want Hannibal Lector taking care of me.

Thanks for letting me vent. It has been a rough week.
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Thank you Carla. I know it will not be easy for me...but I must go through with it. I put a deposit down and her move in is 3/1.
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Hobeclaire - It sounds like your mother needs more care than you with a job outside the home, can provide. I think you need to be firm with your mother and not be swayed by her crying. She will be safer and better cared for in her senior apartment and you will be able to get your life back.
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Mom and I moved into her home which had been a rental. Going on 4 years now, and I can't take it anymore. She is 86 and I am 63. I've discussed moving and she starts crying. I cannot in good conscious leave her alone. She is very forgetful, cannot recognize pictures of my sister and her family. I have to shut off the breaker for the oven when I leave for work.She forgot she was cooking which caused the smoke detectors to go off. She phones up her friends and I can hear her making up ugly stories about me and disparaging remarks about my boyfriend. I have helped her in every way I can; doctors appts, picking up medication, cooking, cleaning, yardwork, monetarily etc, etc. I've taken her to a beautiful senior living apt which I'm prepared to subsidize. She was on board and then backed out saying she wants to die in her house. She will not allow caegivers in the house. I'm at my wits end!
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wantout - I'll give you the same advice I gave shez a few posts back. If you want people to respond, you need to start your own thread. This one is years old and most people are no longer looking at it.

What I would do if I were you is wait for the next crisis, 911 call, hospitalization, etc. and use that as the occasion to talk to your parents about their future. Tell them that it's getting to be too much for you and you would like to help them find a senior residence where their care needs would be met. I can imagine it won't be easy and you may get a lot of push-back. Make it clear that you will be around and won't be abandoning them.

This is a tough, tough situation. The typical course of events is that the parent becomes more and more needy and dependent on the adult child for care, while the adult child is becoming more and more exhausted and frustrated with the limitations that caregiving has imposed on them. It's one thing to care for someone who is getting better. It is another to be locked into the needs of someone who never improves but inexorably declines over time. I feel for you. I hope you are able to work this out and get some freedom soon.
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I understand wantout ... I have the same guilt and feel (know) I have been grieving my loss of family and my life for a long time... (some of which are alive... but, I am now pretty dead inside).. I tried all kinds of things ... talking... doing... nothing penetrated.... no one in my 'family' stepped up to the plate... didn't lift a finger to support me for the support of 'our' mother... Holidays will never be the same... while I don't have support to make tough decisions, you do... This is what it will take...
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Both of my parents live with me and my husband plus my 35 year old son and his 11 year old daughter and another granddaughter who is17 (four generations)! The main problem is my parents . I'm tired of being responsible for them and have a lot of guilt with my feelings. I'm 61 and my husband and I have our own construction company and I handle all the office work except for income tax filing. I feel like I lost my parents already even though they are still here. We've always had a close relationship but I seem to feel a lot of resentment for them bring here. I'm ready for life to be easier and size down and for me and my husband to have more alone time. Neither of my parents would have taken there parents in. My question is how do I tell them I think it would be better for them to go to assisted living and for me not to feel guilty.
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shez - . Sounds like you need to make some big changes and get mum and dad into a facility. Talk to your local Agency for Aging and also Social Services about your situation and say you can't go on like this. Starting your own thread would help. If you click on the 3 white bars n the upper left you can start a discussion or ask a question. Good luck!
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Shez1964 - You will likely get more responses if you start your own thread with this topic. The thread you're posting on is many years old and readers are probably not looking at it much anymore. Good luck!
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