I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

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I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 21/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.


Dear Heavyload,

Having the same trouble. My mom and dad both live with me since Hurricane Katrina and cannot find a way to ask them to leave.

If you get any suggestions, let me know.

Dear Heavyload,
I know exactly how you feel. My parents moved in 2-1/2 years ago too. My Dad just passed away last Tuesday. My Mom is in very good health.
There is no easy way to ask a mother to leave. May I suggest you get her involved with a local senior center? At least she would have some activity and socializing during the day.
Can she do for herself? If not, there are agencies that will assist with personal care each day. Call your town hall and find out what's available to you. At least you would have some help. Good luck.
My dad is at a hotel now because I finally found the words to tell him I am not going to be his slave anymore. I still feel guilty but also good. Good luck. You will feel better when your focus is back on yourself as it should be. I just got to realize he made all his decisions to make him into a mean lonely old man at 65 years young. Thats right he is still young and from drinking he is sick and I don't want to suffer his life choices any more. It is hard or I would not be writing this at 2 a.m.

I am glad I could at lease write my feelings down and help someone I hope. It will never stop if you keep doing everything and you feel more and more hate and regret then you ever will know by keeping up something you don't want to do. Live your life not theirs--they have other choices too not just you.
Daughters need to stop being martyrs or they will perish. I call my mother "the Momster" because she is a deeply unhappy, nasty old woman. She doesn't "deserve to be," as people have told me, just because she is in pain from fibromyalgia, neuropathy, etc. She sucked the life out of me for years, and I long ago decided not to let her. I am spending every cent of her money, and may have to go on to mine, to hire 24-hour caregivers. Which leads me to the point: Why do we have no option but nursing homes? Take a look at the healthcare systems in the social democracies of Scandinavia. Scream bloody murder to your politicians to make some changes so that we don't have to ruin our lives for our parents.
Thank you for that I totally agree, Why do we have to be guilty because we want our own lives? I know that my parents never took care of their parents and why do they expect us to care for them?

I agree with your idea to talk to our politicians to we are blue in the face--but I know what I am going to do when the time comes--actually my husband and I have made provisions because we have no children and if we did we would not want to burden them with our illnesses or our grief. We have many friends and now we are getting our lives back without dad and his unhappy non-drinking self. He is a dry drunk because he can't drink because it gets him very sick. So I just realize (after 7 years) that he did this to himself not me....no one else is around him and its no wonder why--I hear he already called my sisters who all said that he could not come to them.....

Thanks for letting me vent
I had to deal with a similar situation caring for my father who had early onset dementia. I had been the sole caregiver for him in my home for the past 6 years. It was very difficult trying to balance out my career and family while being a caregiver. Six months ago it came to the point where my father's condition due to dementia and Alzhiemer's got so bad that his behavior was getting out of control and I soon realized he needed a professional full time caregiver to take care of him properly. It was a very challenging decision to make but after a lot of family discussions we agreed that finding full time care was the best choice for everyone. Try a placement agency that focuses on finding the right fit based on our needs. Within 2 weeks of contacting your senior care we placed my father in a long term care facility that feels more like a 4 star hotel then a nursing home. He gets very good care and has even improved in his condition due to the activities the facilities put on the help patients keep engaged.
I know it can be tough. My parents no longer live with me and in fact, we have a rented home for them with a live-in caregiver. Other alternatives you might consider are Residential Board and Care Facilities. These are group homes which have anywhere from 6-10 residents with an administrator and a small caregiving staff. They are taken care of 24 hours a day, have the feel of a real "home". In my opinion, a nursing home is the worse place you can send your parents. There are so many better alternatives.

Rose Broyles
Hopeful Caregiver,

I am going to discuss this with my sister and see if we can work something out.
The more I think about it the more I think I did an injustice to my dad. By doing everything for him I allowed for him to become lazy and rely on someone else (me). So I think that if we don't start by catering to their every wimm that maybe they would take more responsibility for themself.

Now I feel guilty about this!! I must be crazy
heavyload, when you are at your wit's end, it is time to have a frank conversation with your relative to say that you can no longer care for her and will work with her to find either the best assisted living or best long-term care residential solution for her. It is the only way out if that is where you are. Postponing the discussion will cause you untold stress and health issues, so take a deep breath and speak slowly.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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