Dementia with Cruelty

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Hi everyone. I havent posted in quite a few days. Ive been falling deeper into depression as it neared my 32nd birthday, which was yesterday.

For those that dont know, I give 24/7 care to my mother with dementia. Ive been doing this off and on for about 8 years, this time longterm.

I think the lack of sleep is getting to me, honestly. I moved in with her, in a 1 bedroom apt. I sleep on the couch. Mom has no consideration for that and I hardly sleep because of that and the lack of comfort on the couch. Thats in between not being able to let go of stress and relax.

Ive become increasingly depressed since my mother told me I was just her maid. This was about a week? 2 weeks ago, I think? Im also her cook, accountant, gofer, nurse, bath attendant, item finder and her Ms. Fix It.

2 days ago, she had an accident and didnt tell me. Instead, she took the dirty diaper through the apt and dropped crap everywhere. She said she would clean it up. I let her try and didnt say a word. She placed a dirty rag over the spots and left them there. At this point its ..hmmm.. She started to pick it up and it got smeared. I asked her to just back away and I would do it. She got mad and proceeded to run her wheel chair over it, pushing it into the carpet. It was all over her chair. EVERYTHING. I sat on the floor scrubbing all the spots from the kitchen to the bedroom. I kept asking why she would do such a thing, tears pouring down my face. She asked why should do anything when I have to. I told her thats cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me. Im sitting here scrubbing her BLEEP out of the carpet, but Im the maid right?

Its been a constant battle with her going to Adult Day Care. It turns out she has been hanging up on the staff there and wont let me talk to them. Well we finally got a hold of each other and set up a time. Her doctor encouraged her to go and she agreed!

My brother came over for dinner tonight. Her accountant called and mom made an appointment for tomorrow. Same time as the day care. When i mentioned it, she screamed she wasnt going. When I said ...yes you are... my brother yelled at me ...youre to feed her and give her her pills. Thats it. Its her life, if she doesnt want to go, she doesnt have to.....Its my life too, isnt it? He doesnt know. He has no earthly clue what this is like. But, with those words to me, theres no way I can get her to go now. No chance.

Im sitting here typing and she came over and said....Im sorry about dinner.... I started crying and said she didnt realize what I go through. She said....what are you talking about? I said Im sorry thinking you were going to make me some soup instead of your birthday dinner..... I think I blew a gasket. I started laughing and crying hysterically. Told her I thought you were apologizing for the way I was treated....... She had no clue what I was talking about.

Now, I feel just worse.


Kelly- I am so sorry for all you are going through-I can not imagine how you continue to do this. Does the day care have a social worker you could meet with-dear friend you are killing yourself over your no good brother and an evil Mother-you have got to get someone to see what you are going through. She does have a clue what she is doing if she can call you her maid and run over her crap on the floor.If I were you I would apply for medicade for her pronto-if she has no funds she should be excepted immediatly and be placed and if she does let her use up her money in a nursing home and then go on medicade-do not let that brother get any of her money and you are not responsible to pay for your parents nursing home care at all. You do not have to live under these conditions.
Sorry to hear you had a bad birthday. But aat 32 its time for you to make some changes. You are pretty young to have taken on this high stress job. I am sure you know you have to take time for yourself. But sometimes knowing is not enough, you have to make a plan and be sure that what you do, (for just you!) is really helping you. If not find some other activity. Support groups help!
I to am dealing with my 84 year old mother with profound dementia. She too, is very controlling and manipulating. You should not be taking anything she says personally. They are frustrated, about their condition and they try to think of ways to make things seem right. My mothers psych. told her a year ago that she has to think of herself as the child and me as the parent....ha, ha, she can not accept that. Nor anything else I say to her. I always have to turn requests around or give her choices so she feels she is making the decisions. By your mother calling you a maid, it may be she just does not want to accept the fact that she can no longer care for herself, and worse her daughter is having to do it. It is hard to know when they are in the momment or out there somewhere. I can usually tell by my mothers eyes. Your mothers condition will decline, you cannot wait any longer to get yourself together, for yourself and for her. Try hard!
Who will care for her if you can't? If you can't, thats ok, Maybe its time to put her in a nursing home so you can have a life. Life is to short.
Hi kellyBean, my mom has alzhemiers and I had times of when i got so upset with her for her comments she made to me. i am cook ,bather, and everything else. my anger and frustration was fueled by notgetting help from my siblings,loss of my job , I had spent all of my savings,my siblings wouldnt come by to visit or call my parents are ask if i needed help. I would talk so loud to my mom, as if that would make her listen to me .thank god for my granddaughter who heard it one day and said calminly Grandma its her disease.I had to ask god for forgiveness and ask Him to help me to get over my anger and frustration. about my siblings, loss of my job ,I have gotten over the bitterness about my siblings because we all have to give an account individually for our actions. You are so right because of their short term memory, they dont even remember being mean to us,or what they just did. Dont feel guilty or worse about it, I k now this is easy to say than to do. I don't always stay calm. For all of you, who are stressed and not sleeping like you should. perhaps your church or community have people in the congregation who can give you relief . get out of the house ,go to a movie or walk in the park.I have just started finding ways to get a way for a whil e once or twice a month.It helps to do something for yourself that you will feel refreshed and capable to face the day..I too use to cry all the time.i felt nobody cared, but God cares and He won't put on you more than you can bear. Do not neglect yourselves. Don't stop loving,rember them the way they were and the good times you had,I often look at old photos of when we were young,believe it or not it helps to bring peace and comfort. may god bless and keep us all. Rose1
Hey KellyBean,
reading your post I can only say that you need to temporarily get out of there. Depression is a serious disease that can, and sounds like it is harming you. You are not responsible for having depression - sleep deprivation can trigger it. There is no stigma and you did nothing wrong.

I suggest you make an appointment with a medical doctor *not a psychologist or therapist* and go to that appointment. Contact your brother and inform him that he must help you and support your getting treatment. seriously.

You sound like a kind, loving, giving person who will give until she drops. Not good for your health or you. Please take care of yourself by drawing the line and getting out temporarily - no reason why your brother can't treat you to a hotel or B&B for a few days. If he doesnt' get it, print out these posts and hand them to him.

I am not trying to be alarmist - but kindly point out that if it is having this effect on you, it is time for a break and help. As much as I believe everyone is well meaning in suggesting a walk or church groups the fact is it sounds as if you are beyond respite and in need of triage.

Please stay on this board we are all pulling for you.
Hi Kelley,

I'm pulling for you! I agree it's time for your brother to pickup more of his duties to help you or step away and let you get the real help your mother needs. I believe it's time to make that dreaded decision "nursing home". My mom isn't doing alot of the things your mom is putting you through and I'm giving it 6 months! I know you care for your mom or you wouldn't be doing everything possible to keep her in her own surroundings, but at what costs! I think it's time...I know it hurts, but she needs professional care now! And you're so young, time to heal and take care of yourself. The good Lord upstairs knows all...shame of those family members for letting you get to this point!

One rule - the person who is being irrational and is hurting other people doesn't get to make the choices. Period.

There's no judgement involved about whether she's a bad person or whether it's just the disease. Doesn't matter.

YOU decide what you need for YOU. Absolutely, you need to get out of the situation NOW. If you can set her up in a better situation VERY quickly, great. She's lost her chance to make her own choices. If not, just hand everything over to whoever would need to do it if you weren't there - your brother, a social worker, her doctor - and let them pick up the pieces. You're clearly too burnt out to do it right now, and there's no shame in that. I've been there, and so have many others.

Probably making an appointment and telling all this to her doctor would be best. They have the connections to know what the "safety nets" are when an elderly person needs to be in a nursing home. Explaining what's going on will allow the doctor to see that you're beyond what you can deal with, and he'll know what to do. It'll be easier than trying to discuss it with your brother. Clearly you're really beaten up emotionally right now, and it sounds like that won't help you any. Cutting off contact with him for right now would be best for you. If your brother's the POA, give the doctor his contact information and let them hash it out. You've done more than anyone could have asked of you.
Hi everyone, thanks for the kind words. My moms doctor, she and myself had a big discussion and she agreed to go to adult day care. now shes changed her mind. is just exhausting trying to keep up with her delusions, illusions and down right lies. what i seriously need to do first off is calm the heck down. i will be the first to admit that i have a very short temper. i HAVE put myself in the hospital for overworking some years ago. and just recently was in the hospital and was told if i had waited one more day id have been dead. i will call her doctor again and set up an appointment. my brother isnt here to see or even begin to be able to handle this in ANY way. she had her doctor that i think she watches too much tv. he said no its fine. ok, but what she failed to mention is that she panics if she doesnt know whats on every minute of the day and cant hold a decent conversation anymore because it locks her in la la land. if her doctor knew this, hed make a bigger effort in encouraging her that its not healthy. that she needs to get out. i told my mom in our argument tonight, that her going to adult day care is for her and me. that i want to do something that doesnt involve fetching or cleaning. i told her id go with her on her first day back. and stay till she feels comfortable.
I wrote this last night and the computer timed me prior to your latest post, Kelly. You need some respite time away from your mom and it's up to you to ask for it before YOU have a breakdown. At that point, who would care for your mom?

From last night...

Kelly...first of all you need to get some sleep! When I am lacking sleep, I'm near disfunctional. If the couch is too uncomfortable, could you put the cushions or a quilt on the floor or get one of those blow up beds? When you're tired/exhausted, the things that your mom says are way more hurtful to you. Once you get some decent sleep, you will be able to process things better.

I agree with the other's advice that you need to speak to a social worker and explain that you can't care for your mother any longer. This is not an indication of failure on your part but that people with dementia or Alzheimers continue to go downhill and at some point require professional care. As in-home caregivers, we can only do so much and we need to know when we reach that point. I recall your mom is in her early 60's so she could live a long time and you, at 32, deserve a life of your own and some fun!

It wouldn't be like you are going to abandon your mom as I am sure you would visit and be involved in her life once you are no longer living with her.

You should insist your brother come over to stay with your mother so you can go out and celebrate your birthday - even if all by yourself! Go to a movie or just sit and read in a coffee shop. Get your hair done. Do something to pamper yourself! Btw, when he walks in the door - you walk out. Let him figure out how to care for mom!

Let us know what you decide...we're pulling for you!

Julie Q

I started caring for my Dad with Alzheimer's when my Mom died 5 years ago and Dad moved in with me. I was 34. I know how hard this is for you, but please try to keep you chin up.

I would love to help you in any way I can.

Dear Kelly-my granddaughter name is Kelly also-I wish she was finished with college-she is going to be a socialworker-I wii be her first client. How are you today my friend-talk to me.

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