Dad has dementia and stepmom is a gold digger

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Can I stir the pot just a little? Here's 5 ways you'll know for sure she's a gold-digger:

1. She only knocks boots after your dad has bought something for her.
2. She has a temper tantrum if he refuses to buy something for her.
3. She only suggests expensive restaurants, hotels, etc.
4. She earns a very modest income, yet everything she owns is very expensive.
5. She never offers to pay the bill, not even her share.

She reminds me of that alien civilization in the movie Independence Day that moved and planet to planet after consuming every resource. Well my dear, the problem is that when a man becomes "p ---- whipped" his brain usually falls by the road side and he can't see the forest for the trees. And right now he's not running on all four cylinders, which means he can be easily manipulated. Then again, he might be aware she's playing him like a fiddle, but he doesn't care as long as she's rocking his world. You know what I mean?

The saddest part is that countless elderly fall victim to gold-diggers every day. You can confront her, expose her, you might even be able to run her out of town. ... But there are many others to replace her. For now the only thing you can do is tell your Dad she's taking him for every penny; which he'll deny. When he can no longer satisfy her every whim and anybody else contemplating the idea of mugging him will just be doing it for the practice, he'll come to cry on your shoulder. ... You could rub his face in it, console him with things he wants to hear, or say nothing at all because deep inside you feel it's going to happen again.

If anything, dementia often brings out a person's basic instincts. Gold-digger or not, maybe she is the embodiment of his innermost desires; however costly they might be. As long as he's happy, manages to keep a roof over his head and isn't flying off the handle, the least you can do is pretend to respect her. .... If only for his sake.

-- ED

Thanks Ed, You are unfortunately correct and it sounds as if you have experience with this situation.

She just takes off for weeks at a time and will not return his calls and then shows back up as if he should kiss the ground she walks on. It is so sad and depressing to me it is hard to describe. It would be a little different if she was a prize but believe me she is no prize. She calls the whole world me, my sister, all of her relatives and tells them how awful he is and she will never go back. The next thing you know they are off on a cruise and everything is great until the next time and the whole cycle starts again.

The really sad part of it all is there are two women I know that love my Dad for him and not his money. They are financially stable and would be great to him.

I have lost respect for him and her and find it hard to even think of seeing either of them again. My husband reminds me that it is out of my control and he is also right.
Okay - if you really want to protect your dad - here's what you do.
1. get his durable power of attorney, tell him it's "in case something happens", don't tell the wife about this, and don't tell anyone who might know her - keep this secret or you'll sabotage your plan.
2. visit a mean and nasty divorce attorney to understand how best to protect dads assets from her, if they've been married for a number of years it might be difficult to keep from splitting it 50-50... but TRY, she might take a large cash payment and run away if you offer. Better to spend, oh say...$50,000... and be rid of her for good than to pay spousal support, housing, etc...
3. next time wifie-poo takes off, change the locks, file for divorce on his behalf and put all her things in a storage unit. .
4 Ensure that any life insurance policies are changed to that she's not the beneficiary, so the same with 401(k) and IRA funds - legally, as long as she's his WIFE - she MUST be the beneficiary of these funds.
5. file for a restraining order so that she can't go within 8 blocks of him, his home, car, or those of your family.
6. have dad spend an extended vacation with you or other relatives out of town so that she can't find him to cry and worm her way back in - keep him out of town until the divorce is over.
7. look into moving him into assisted living and be sure that all of his income and expenditures are tightly controlled by you or another trusted family member
8. don't try to fix him up with someone "better" - you shouldn't let a person with dementia commit to anything like marriage, let him date and have fun but NO COMMITMENTS(!!) it makes things too difficult to "fix" later.

Best of luck.
Great advise Lynn. Solid advise!

Work it baby! That star-studded comment made me drop my dentures. And I don't have any. ... At least not yet.


Lynn made some wonderful suggestions; but I also agree with your husband. ... Still, I understand your frustration. It's painful to watch someone you care about compromise his self-respect in exchange for a little faked love and there isn't much you can do about it. ... And yes; been there, done that.

-- ED
Thanks for the advice Lynn, oh how I wish I could do all that is on your list. Dad has told me in the past he has a will with his attorney. My stepmother says he has nothing in writing but I have seen the will. He is in true denial of his mental state. He has been losing his temper with her and drinking alot so I am worried she is building some kind of case to have him put away.

I am just praying that she does not get her grubby hands on everything and ship him off to a home if things get worse. I just want him taken care of and I know that as soon as she can she would dump him off at a home and take off with all of his money.

I have tried really hard to be nice to her for Dad's sake.

I am just sick of the whole situation.
I am going through a similar situation with my father. I had power of attorney for finances, but the "girlfriend" hopped from one capacity assessor to another and the assessor wrote a letter stating my father could revoke/re-appoint a new poa. He gave all his power to her and changed his will. A poa means nothing. Unless the intended recipients receive assets before someone dies, there is no guarantee that yoou will receive anything. When people marry, the spouse must receive assets. It's totall y unfair, and I believe poa's are BS. If someone re-marries, everything becomes void and the spouse gets control.
this discussion is old but my situation is similar none the less. my father's first wife came back into his life after he got sick with Alzheimer's then she married him. he was obviously going back to his younger years because of the disease. she already sold his house and put him in a nursing home and she bought a nice waterfront property. how disgusting to me to watch this happen. my poor dad.
lilyat, could it be before your Dad's illness got to the point of where it is today, that he and his wife decided that he would be better in a nursing home, and for her to enjoy her life the way she sees fit? Does she go to visit him? Call him? Send him cards, etc? How long were they first married? Any children from that union? How long were they married this time around? If there are many years, so be it. It was his choice.

But I can understand how you feel, I think all grown children wouldn't want an elder parent to re-marry. Unless a pre-nup was written that each control their *own* net worth.

I think I would rather see a former wife back in the picture then someone no ones knows.
lilyat, I have the same questions freqflyer has. And also, what part of this is disgusting to you? Do you think she exploited him?

Why "poor dad"? Has she stuck him in a nursing home and then abandoned him? Or is she still managing his care, advocating for him, being with him often? Is she interfering with your relationship with him?

If she had remarried him and he didn't have dementia, would you still be disgusted?

Just trying to understand the background here.

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