Controlling family member (HELP!)

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My sister has dealt with my mothers financial things (paying her bills & credit cards) for the past 40 years. My mother let her, less for my mother to deal with & she knew everything was paid & what was left was hers to spend. Now, the problem! Our mother now has dementia and needs 24/7 care, I moved in with my daughter & the family agreed that my mom would live with her too since my daughter works in the evenings the 2 of us could give my mother the 2 person team she needs for her care (lifting her, changing her, feeding her, walking her around) because all my other siblings (theres 7 of us total) work during the day and dont even bother come by to see my mom. My sister does not have POA but still controls my moms financial things (bank account mainly) I know my mother receives $1,200 monthly but my sister who contols her money gives us what she "thinks" is enough to care for our mother & it isnt! The TV on for my mother 24/7, the heat being set higher so shes not cold, the high protein drinks & meals the doctor wants her on, the depends my mother wears & all the supplies needed to take care of her pressure ulcer, it just keeps adding up! My sister has already stopped talking to most of my siblings because they dont agree that she still needs to be in control of my mothers money, they think my daughter & I should be in charge because we are the ones taking care of her 24/7. Were not sure what to do without starting the family feud of a lifetime by asking my sister for control.


A family meeting and put it all out there without any blame, just concerns about your moms needs being met. Maybe if this sister will write each month a statement of what your mom has in bank account and what bills aare being paid and cost of her will find out what is going on. In our case, we have no help from the family and never mom in law is completely broke, needs her medicines and the AL place is taking all her money and more. It is so sad to see these people we love going down, and it causes so much stress. Talk to your family and maybe you all can come together for the sake of your mom. Prayers are said for you all
I feel for all of you I have been my in laws caregiver for five years and just recently we hade to move. I was a twenty four. hrs caregiver. I did everything for them and basically chose to give up all my independence to do what. I thought was right. but my sister in laws have drove me crazy .. everything I did was never good enough! Yet they would. only. be there to visit. for. ten minutes. a day and maybe only three times a week. Never asked if I ever needed a break. and I would. never ask for a dime if I painted for her it was never. the right color. but yet the. house needed repairs . all i ever heard was well i guess they are going to use all our inheritanceIt would hurt me everyday with their looks So After all the accusations I could take I decided it was time for me to move ad let them do their part and now I feel bad. because now they are having to do something for their mom and they called the D H S saying I token advantage of her I know the one sister is mean to mom and had her crying. til she signed over the house. to them. I know in my heart it is over money and heed. we live in a small community and she is ruining my make and now my mother n law will not talk. to me please help what do I do?? tell the sister that is taking care of the finances, that you will take over the finances from here due to the fact that you are physically caring for her, period. If she does not want to hand it over then let her know that she will have to take over the physical part of caring as well. There is no other way around it.
Your sister has handled the finances for a very long time, but I presume that does not mean your mother does not have access to her own accounts. Would she be willing, with your help, to draw everything out of her accounts and open new accounts? That is a drastic step, but you are in drastic need of access to your mother's own money for her own care.

"Dementia" covers a very broad spectrum of cognitive abilities. Is your mother able to understand the concept of allowing/appointing someone to act on her behalf for finances? If so, have her give you the durable power of attorney, with your daughter the secondary. Under the circumstances it will be best to have an attorney who specializes in Elder Law involved in drawing up the document.

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