Caring for Elder Mom, because brothers said so!

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I'm 57, single, own a home & dog. Mom is still at home, stated in her will she wants to stay til she dies. I was told by my brothers (married, working, get to have time to selves) that I was to move in with Mom and take care of her 24/7. I have been doing so for abt. 1 year. Hard, she has alzheimers, is 92, 50% somewhat "there." She owns her home and cabin at beach--both paid off. In her will she says she is to stay in her home. Says the cabin is her "insurance" for old age. Before Mom got really bad, she offered me $100 a day to care for her. My brother is paying me, out of Mom's money, $3000 a month, before taxes and whatever else is taken out. I am still paying mortgage on my home, my car, medical bills (just had a hospital visit for small stroke...how do you spell stress??) I am no getting medical insurance, paid vacation, any days off to speak of...I am totally taken for granted!! Maybe being paid better for all I do, would help alot (I could hire someone to help, since they won't!) I do all the cooking, cleaning, taking care of Mom, dr. visits, yardwork... I love my Mom, and am staying with her mostly because my brothers said they would put her in a nursing home--that would kill her!! What can I do before this kills me?? Ihave no life, because I have no time, even for myself. Thanks!

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Do not let your siblings bully you! You cannot let yourself be financially & emotionally ruined while they do nothing. I am battling a controlling sister & am learning to stand up to her. Of course I have POA & dad lives with us. And yes, a will does not kick in until she passes. It's not worth your health, your mom may enjoy assisted living. Take good care of yourself. Good luck!
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My thought is, why would you move in and become what sounds like the sole caregiver just because your brothers told you to?

Sounds like it's time your brothers shared in the care as well. You have to draw boundaries, or you could very likely have a worse stroke; then, who would take care of your mother, and of YOU???

I agree with Jeanne; we don't always get what we want in life. If your mother can afford an AL, or SNF, it may be the time, especially with your health going downhill. Either way, your brothers need to man up and do their share.
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Momsmom1, In addition to what Jeanne said and just to give a perspective. I had 24/7 care for my Mom for about 8 weeks. The cost was over $5000/month! In addition, the aide got room and board and food supplied. I provided respite to her by allowing her to take time off when I visited. Dittto for other members of my family. Sometimes it was for an hour, others it was 7-9 hours.

Now, my Mom is in an AL for memory care. It costs $7100/month. (plus incidentals - - pull ups/wipes/hygiene items, etc. We had looked at SNF at one point, that was $11,000/month. There isn't enough money in the world to make you go from a loving daughter to a caregiver extraordinaire. And frankly, the AL where my Mom is provides SO-O much more than I ever could. They have volunteers and paid workers to keep the people busy, everything from visits and services from houses of worship to musicians. My daily visits are now the extras ... I take her out for ice cream, we do manicures together etc.

But my "real" thought for the day is - nothing in the will is relevant since it only kicks in after your Mom passes. It sounds like you need a family meeting. Things to consider, Who has POA? Who had authority in the living will?
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In addition to paying you, your brother needs to pay for respite care. You can't do this without regular time off.

Gather information about what it would cost to bring in outside help for 24/7 coverage. Show this to your brother and explain that you need a raise. Even with a raise it is going to be less expensive to keep you there than to pay outsiders. Also look at the cost of a nursing home.

Your mother wants to stay in her home until the end. My goodness, who among us doesn't? But we can't always have what we want. Sometimes the end stage of dementia requires care beyond what can be given by one person in a home setting. Your mother is already at the point where she cannot live in her home on her own. She may also get to the point where she cannot live in her home with only one caregiver who takes all 3 shifts, never gets a break to recharge, and has the household to manage as well.

If you have some regular respite care available (paid from your mother's funds) and also were getting paid more so some of the financial stress were reduced, perhaps you can delay the time when she will need to go into a nursing home. Maybe even for the rest of her life, depending on when the end stage starts. Those are worthy goals. But please accept that it is not entirely in your hands, and that doesn't make you a bad person. It is just the way it is.
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