I have a precious 83-year-old mom that I care for and I feel like a real bitch with her and I don't know why!!!!!
I am the only child of three that no longer has a spouse ..my kids are grown and moved out of the house, and I lived close, so I was the obvious choice to move in with my mother to let her stay in her own home. My problem? I shouldn't have any. She is sweet, complimentary, kind to me, has her mind, does the laundry and dishes, cares for her own hygiene and loves me very much. I love her very much, also, but she drives me crazy. I have been living with her for three years. I work in retail, so my hours are a bit crazy, but never over 40 hours a week. We have enough money to be simply comfortable. She was my only parent after their divorce for 4 years, so she cared for me as a teenager, on her own. We have always been pretty close and my siblings have always considered me her favorite. So what do I possibly have to gripe about? I don't know!!! I take care of her needs outside of the house, ya know, the doctor visits, the hospital visits, if she wants to go get something for herself. I do all the driving, by my request, she gave up her lincense. I just feel so closed in. I go nowhere, except work..I have no other life outside of her. There are no siblings close to care for her if I want to go spend time with my kids. One of them will step up for me, but then I can't see all my sons at the same time. I just feel the walls closing in on me. For everything she does that gets on my nerves, I can justify it because I am all she has, close by. I love her with all my heart or else I wouldn't be here..but I know I will feel so guilty if anything happens to her. I have even gotten to the point when she goes in the hospital, I enjoy my time alone. This is not right. I don't want her to die, but sometimes I think of my life without her, and I get a bit blissful..another thing not right. I joke about some of the things that drives me crazy and I am sure people think I am cruel...but joking relieves some of the stress. When I am off of work, I don't want to do anything, so I sit in my chair and watch TV with her until it is time to go to bed. I enjoy going to my room, but don't because she doesn't understand me just wanting to get away. So I wait until she goes to her room and just sit real quiet so I don't wake her, and enjoy my little bit of time alone. She would give me the world if she could....so what is my problem? People tell me to get away for awhile. Where? I don't have the ability to just jump in a car and go, besides, where would I go and then I would worry about her the whole time I was gone. I am just having a hard time sorting out my feelings and when I do...where do I put them? If most people saw my life, they would really wonder what my problem was, but then I am not sure what my problem is, either. I am really starting not to enjoy my life at all. I know one thing that bothers me...I am living here for her to die in her own home. What a terrible way to put it..but it is the truth. Well thanx for letting me vent my little problems..I know there are so many out there who are dealing with some very big things, and I am one of the fortunate ones to have it so good. So if I sound like a whiner...well I must be, I can't figure out why I am feeling this way...I just am.