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My mother moved in with me when my oldest sister dies who lived with her. My brother died when I was 9. My mother and 2 sisters have been addicted to pain meds for years. One sister comitted suicide and the other who lived with mom died when her colon died. Her body couldnt even process the pain meds anymore. Years ago I made the decision to walk away and would only hear from mom when the oldest sister drained her accounts . When she died my moms accountwas charged 983 dollars in overdraft charges alone. So my only option was to move her in. She was in the hole over 2000.00. My husband and I discussed it. We felt this may be a chance to form a friendship if nothing else.


It has been a battle since after the first 3 months. When she accused my daughters fiance of stealing her pain pills I took control of them. She is forced to go to a pain management dr to get her pain meds every 3 months. She goes in my room searching for them while we work. She accuses me of stealing her money. There is nothing wrong with my moms mind. Just this month alone she has spent 732.00 at qvc. She has spent 1000's with qvc since shes been here. Mom has copd and has oxegen in her room. In comes the worst of the argument. She smokes a pack a day in her bedroom and often dosent turn the oxegen off. Im terrified she will cause an explosion and kill us with her. When I take the cigs it turns into a horrible argument. My mother has treated her grandchildren so horribly none have been to my home for 2 years. She has a sister who will not even answer her phone when she calls. She asked a cousin if she could move in and was told no. So she informed me that I would have to have a judge remove her from my home. I accepted years ago that my mom had no use for me. At 10 years old she informed me that she couldnt believe god took johnny instead of me. I heard that for years. I would cry untill I matured and realized she was the one messed up not me.


Now I am 50 years old and taking the verbal abuse again. I hear about how fat I am and dumpy I am. I buy a new outfit and get told I look rediculous. I need some help trying to figure out how to get her out of here. I had to give her the pain meds back last week because she threatened to quit taking her other medicines and she would accuse me of keeping them from her. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been happily married for 28 years to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful daughters. We own our own home. She has her own room with a bath and never has anyone in my family not made her feel this wasnt her home too. We fix her plate every night, take her to dr. Appts, wash her clothes, and still she treats us this way. Anyone who can please guide me in the right direction I would be so grateful. I am so stressed. I cant sleep, ive gained 40 pounds and im tired everyday.


Have a blessed day

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News across the nation.....Mommy Dearest has totaled her car.....nobody was hurt, she was at fault.
Now what? Will she or will she not buy a car? I hope not. 89 yrs old.
She said after the accident, that when she did her renewal for her drivers license test last Dec., she was told by the examiner, she drives very well for her age.....you know what my comment was to her......that examiner is an Idiot. And so goes my story.....hey everyone, heads up. :)
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You should feel very good about trying your best to do all you can do provide a safe place for your mom to stay at home with you. Sometimes I feel that no matter what you do it is never good enough. The big issue is also that she is not making your home safe by smoking with the oxygen as well as the other disrespect your going through. I'm glad your going to work on you. Something I need to learn how to do. So glad I found this forum and other people going through what we are. All the best of success to you.
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OH WOW! Thank you for posting. I don't have any answers, I just posted something so similar. I have the same situation, but it's my MIL. Please read my post, at least you'll know your not alone.
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folks - this issues has been resolved. In fact the mother here was placed and well cared for in a facility. She has died since. She was a person with very serious mental health issues which made life very difficult for those around her.

Stacey!!! maybe time to make some changes?????
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Staying couped up in her room is not good for her anyways. The downside is watching her shows. That's what my mother does. Weather channel most of the day..electricity has gone up since she's moved in. I guess we all have our mothers with us at home with different opinions. I love this support group, and I've also learned to "make a decision" before things get out of hand or when I or mom get stressed out. All I know right now I'm caring for my mother until I no longer can..take care of you and your family too.
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*****
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Hello Elisa,
I just received your email, but I see you posted this in 2013. Rather then go into this at length I want to ask you if you are still in the same circumstance.
Midwest
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OMG, it's so crazy to reread an old post from 2 years ago (just a few posts back), and see that NOTHING HAS CHANGED, and I'm still bitchin about the same things! Lol!
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Lisa, yours was the very first thread that got me hooked on this site, and I learned so much from you and all of your KA gang! Lol! I am happy to hear that you are free at last and can hold your head up high knowing that you made sure that she was well cared for til the bitter end! Good for you! Now go on to enjoy your family, I know that your husband was such a stand up and supportive guy and it would be great if you gave us a heads up on his parents ascwell, as we were very invested in them as well! Your thread was instrumental in my finding my way through this awesome website, finding these incredible and helpful caregivers and their support helps me through some very tough emotions at times. I'm so glad you stopped back in to touch base, and please don't dismantle your thread yet, as I do want to breeze back through it for inspiration! You Rock Girl!!!
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Lisa -wish you would leave your thread. There is so much in it that others can learn from. Love you too Big ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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((((Survived2)))) Love you, girl. I hope you have a wonderful life.
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Best of luck to you...you deserve every minute of it!
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Hi everyone. Lisa here. Before I delete my thread I just want to thank every single one of you that helped with my journey. Mom died December 14, 2014 from lung cancer. She was mean and bitter till the end. My goal leading up to her death was the morning after I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and know I did what was nessasary to keep her comfortable. To give a as peaceful passing as possible. I did that. Please anyone here who lived their life with the abuse I did needs to read this from beginning to end. I had the best support and help on this thread and you can apply the amazing advice here to your own situation. I love each and everyone of you. God bless!!!
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Dear Survived2,

I'm so sorry. Are there social worker's in your area? Can you find an assisted living community that you can afford? Can her doctor prescribe medicine to help her outrageous behavior? When my mother was living with my family and attacking all of us with her threats, she even slapped my daughter in the face, her family doctor prescribed her behavioral medication that calmed her down and she is still on it over a year and a half later. She's much happier and thus we are too! I found her an assisted living community that was close to our home and had some "affordable income level" units. Most of them do have them available, you may have to be on a wait list to get one.

Also, is she better with other people? I found a local college student to provide us a break for a few hours at a time. We paid her an hourly fee. Her grandma lived with her and she help take care of her until she passed. My mother really loved spending time with her. And, it gave us a well needed sanity break.

I wish you and your family the best. You have to take action to protect your family, your marriage and your own sanity.

Take-care of yourself...
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Survived2, and others:

When a relative is as dysfunctional as described in the post, taking them in under your roof, "because we might be able to better our relationship"----AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! They don't somehow suddenly learn how to "improve" their relationships....they don't know how, have been that way all their lives---they lack tools to change that, and learning new tools, is very rare at this stage.

When the relationship was so bad you decided to "Walk Away", in the past, believe me, it will still be that bad, or worse, as someone ages, and/or has greater problems with substance abuse, or other health issues impair the person's judgement and abilities.
Those of us who think they can somehow heal a bad relationship of many years, so often feel desperate to find, somehow, the parent we always yearned for and never had-----BUT, we CANNOT EVER expect, that a life-long dysfunctional person will change and suddenly be able to demonstrate the love or functional parenting that they never could, just because they move in under the same roof.
Kids who grow up in that kind of home, are broken, themselves--if we somehow learn to do some better than our own broken parents did--great! But taking them into our homes, means we put ourselves at great risk of being damaged yet more, and falling down that rabbit hole again---then if we survive, must again, find ways to heal ourselves.
Some don't survive additional exposures to those broken parents--some die of heart attacks, strokes, or other diseases.

This Parent has already made accusations of theft of her drugs, etc.; accusations will get worse, and may, if she can, make your family's life he!! by reporting those accusations to others, including officials.....Which might end up your family being accused of elder abuse, and your Mom being removed to elsewhere---but that could be bad for you.

IF you are desperate enough to get her out of your home, AND are ready to STOP being a dysfunctional martyr yourself:
===Some have considered reporting themselves to APS, because there are laws protecting elders, but NONE protecting caregivers from elder's abusing caregivers. But that's a BAD way to use the system.
===KEEP RECORDS, DAILY, on a calendar or diary, of things she says and does, and your response to those statements and behaviors. Also keep records of her chronic financial messes--bills, letters, papers relating how bad those financial issues got.
===Call 911 to file a report, every time Mom becomes abusive physically, or, to report the elder endangering herself or others in any way--911 calls MUST be on file.
===Report her threats or behaviors that endanger herself or others, to her Doctors--they are supposed to keep that on her files. So does 911. So do Social Workers.
===If her behaviors are stressing you so badly that you are depressed, or feel suicidal, call the suicide prevention 800-number, and talk with someone!
Make sure there is a file kept on that, so they can show the effect your Mom's behaviors and the stress of caregiving are tearing you to bits....and, make sure they understand the bad effects it's had on your kids, and that you feel frustrated due to lack of agencies inability to find ways to get Mom out of your house to protect your kids, and that she's threatened you, and how.
===You can also, if possible, make a statement about Mom's substance abuse and her behaviors, to give to her Primary Care Doc, to put in her file
----I had to do that for my Mom, and it made her Doc stop and read it, before prescribing more Narcs to Mom when she asked for them "just in case I need them"----it prevented the Doc from over-prescribing narcs, which is very important, because it can help reduce bad behaviors, for one thing---or, because your Mom has been addicted so long, it could end up a good reason to get her admitted to a facility, to get her OUT of your house, before more damage to your family relationships happens than already has.
Keeping good records, and making official reports on various agencies files, becomes a "preponderance of evidence" that you can use to both protect yourself from her behaviors, and, to get her placed in a facility, or at least in her own apartment...but AWAY from your house.
Keeping good records is the only recourse caregivers currently have, to my knowledge, to protect themselves....it is you, being empowering and proactive for you and your own family.
===Mom told you that it will take a judge to get her out of your house---well, it might---but if you've kept records everywhere--Doctor, Social Worker, your Doctor, 922 system, etc., you have tools to help a judge, in your favor, get Mom taken out of your home.
YOU can ask a judge to get your Mom declared incompetent [based on her financial messes][you are keeping records of her financial messes, right?], and have her perhaps committed for 72 hour observation based on her threats to do harm to herself or others, and her drug problems, for instance.
Once she's admitted to ANY facility, you tell them she cannot return to your home--ever....that Social Workers must find other habitation for her, because your health and that of your kids, has been threatened by her, and you, as a parent, are doing due-dillegence, to prevent her harming you and your kids.

IF your Mom can't live by herself, she might qualify for Assisted Living.
They would definitely monitor and control how much drugs she gets.
Mom might do anything possible to avoid that, because she knows they will limit her access to those.
Bottom line:
PROTECT YOURSELF by keeping good records and filing appropriate reports with agencies about her behaviors.
STOP allowing her to use your money, no matter how bad she make you feel about that..
STOP allowing her to guilt-you into "bailing her out"
----if she stacks up credit card debt----it's HER debt---as long as only her name is on it.
You are NOT required to bail her out of that---once she is in over her head, and can't pay those cards, her credit score goes bad, but the card companies will not be able to do much to get paid back---about all they can do, is report bad credit on her files, which, ends up stopping her getting more credit cards, after awhile.
====Make sure she is NOT taking out credit cards in your name, or any of your family's name--that is fraud--and it's reportable--best by you.
===KEEP YOUR personal papers hidden where she cannot get at them!
===STOP allowing her to keep verbally and emotionally abusing you!
You can walk away from the immediate area [sometimes]; you can tell her "I wish you well", you can tell her, " I love you"---and while you tell her neutral or loving statements, make sure you hear them in your own mind and heart, as you, telling yourself, that you wish yourself well, and you love yourself----because that Mother couldn't tell you those things, and should have.

BUT, it's totally Unrealistic, no matter how badly you want it or need it, to think a Mom who could never be the Mom you needed, to suddenly become a good one, or anything close to it----at this age, it's more likely to get far worse.
It's really important you learn to advocate for yourself; to learn to 'parent' yourself effectively and lovingly, to give yourself the love and nurturing you didn't get from parent[s].

As adults, this is what we must learn to do, as a good way to cope better.
It's good that you learned to survive hard things in your life;
It's better, to learn to Thrive, despite those hard things.
Learn to be a bit "selfish": the kind where you learn to take care of your basic needs, and then some, in order to better be able to live a better life for your kids, for your own family....that kind of "selfishness" is GOOD, because it is about you learning to thrive, instead of merely surviving.
Learn to "put your own oxygen mask on first", in a crisis--otherwise, you will suffer as badly or worse, than any you try to help.
She thinks she's got you where she wants you; you meanwhile, are learning how to play her games better than she can, and use them in your own favor.
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I am so glad this is back on the radar. There is a lot of wisdom and support in here!
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leave the religion out of this forum please
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Cattails, thank you so much for the update, I am so happy that she is doing okay and that she has kept her boundaries with her mother. She does have so much love to give and her family are truly a gift.

You can make a change, Survived2 has shown everyone what is possible when you want to make that change.
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I am a deeply religious person - a post-Vatican II Roman Catholic "convert" to be specific- but the trouble with giving religion as an answer on here if that when you say that trusting God and avoiding sin is the answer to a more specific question, it may imply to someone that if they were living right they would not have the question or the problem underlying it. And honestly, the specific answers to" why is my loved one doing _____ when they weren't like that before" and "how do I get to be their representative payee cause they can't manage the bank account any more" just don't have answers in the Bible, Qu'ran, or Bhagavad Gita. That's not to say there is no spiritual dimension to what we are going through, and sometimes it is important to say that maybe a Biblical principle is being misinterpreted (e.g. false guilt out of not "honoring" Mom or Dad because you simply can't do everything they want you to or what everyone seems to expect you to without self-destructing). Its just all of us when we post need to keep in mind that the easy problems have been solved already and most people asking stuff on here in good faith have love in their hearts, or the things that are going on would not bother them so much. Personally, a reminder to stay in prayer does not bother me, I can always use one. There is a church billboard near me and it says the time with "A Good Time To Pray" and I think it's always right and I don't get tired of seeing it...but again, a lot of people have been praying their hearts out and are on here looking for support, ideas, and info that they don't have already. Whether you are a praying person or not, you probably believe humans are supposed to be providing that for each other, or you would not be on here either! My church refers to that as "ora et labora" - pray and work, more specifically pray as if it all depends on God, work as if it all depends on you :-)

Well, nevertheless, I may just go and look up that special on Boundaries you mentioned, CeeCee, it sounds good!
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Wonderful! So delighted to hear.
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Clifford: I can tell you that Lisa, Survived2, is doing very well. She has kept her boundaries with her mom and has not let her mother engulf her in the mental illness that has ruled her (mom's) life.

It's not been easy, but Lisa (Survived2) has a wonderful family, husband, children and in-laws who love her and that love is reciprocated.

You can make a change in your life if you truly want too. This family did make a change and they are thriving as a result.
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Can any of you tell me how Survived2 and her family are doing. I have followed this thread from the beginning and know she gained so much strength from all of you. My computer crashed in late May and I am finally backup and reading. To my great disappointment there had been no news on Survived2's family. I have so much respect for her and the love she has shown so many. I will continue to pray for her but would love to know if everything is okay.
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yes I agree Pam, it is a touchy subject, religion...I still have issue with it but I have made some posts about being able to find faith and I wonder do I upset anyone....My family/upbringing denounced religion and it took me many many years to take an interest in it...I do not preach it but I did find that following a friends advice and stop questioning accept a higher power and have faith I do know things are better for us since being able to do that almost immediately profound change came to our lives. I believe it is the letting go and having faith in good prevailing is baseline of it, I still debate with my friend about Christ and him dying on the cross etc...as there are so many religions how can just one be it...I don't have the knowledge of them to even make an educated guess...etc. I look at it as letting go of our inner fears and worries and just believing there is good out there and it will come to those who welcome it with a stress and worryfree mind, and there is some sort of higher power who knows what. being able to lean on a theory for support n help or Kharma...etc... we cannot handle what life throws with out some type of belief system yada yada yada....I don't know if this even makes sense or is appropriate to post but I do agree I saw that post you responded to and felt it kinda strong for a neutral safe environment! but also led me to wonder did I offend anyone with my rant about discovering the power of faith! it was only cuz I was amazed at the positivity it brought into our life!
Anyway have a nice night to all!!!
I
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ceecee, it's very lovely that you have found that religion works for you, but we have all found it best not to discuss religion on this forum other than "God bless you" and "I'll pray for you", and even then we only say that to those we KNOW for certain are of the same mind as we are.

Many hard feelings are created, many fights have been had over religion here. Many times we have all found that God's answer to our prayers are "NO" just as many times are they are "yes". So please do not come in and offer God as a solution to someone that you do not even know; ok? Thank you.

Also, because the original poster was able to move on, find herself help, and has dealt with this situation, it IS important that you read ALL the posts before you make a comment. You really have no idea what you are stepping into at all if you don't. At the very least you might read all of hers.
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Congrats on your newly found empowerment! You are teaching your daughters a wonderful lesson. It has been a lesson in compassion,caring and love and also setting boundaries and taking care of yourself! Your daughters will know how to take care of themselves and be empowered every day because of what you have shown them.You are a very strong and powerful woman, it takes strength to reach out for the help and solutions you need. Give yourself a big hug for me and for everyone on this forum.
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I haven't read all the posts but I do know Jesus throught the Holy Spirit has all the answers to all relationships. Most of all God wants each of us individually to have a personall relationship with Him. As He came to serve, he calls us also to be like Him. Your serving your mother isn't easy but you make a difference. Remember our battle is not against each other but against demons, principlities, rulers of darkness. See Ephesians 6. Addictions and dependance on anything but God is not of God but of the devil. We must be clothed in the armor God gives us and fight/pray for each other, especally our family. Handle what you can handle and I pray for the help you all need. The Word of God is our weapon when we belong to God. Unfortunately we need a shield up to reflect attacks especially of words that come at us especially from others including our family so we do not get hurt. Same with your mom. Pray the mind of Christ for your mom and look up scriptures on the mind and if your mom would read or repeat them after you, you will see a difference in her. Joyce Meyer's book, "The Secret Power of speaking God's Word," is a great book for references like that or other areas of struggel. Try also going online and watching Jentzen Franklin on TBN's' (Trinity Broadcasting Network) Church channel esp. this week on boundaries. It will help to understand. Much love and blessings wished for you and your family!
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ilveuman please come back and tell us what is up; perhaps we can be of help.
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Time for what ilveuman? - to look after you, I hope and put your life first. See that your mum is cared for, but not at the cost of your own life.
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It's time.
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juju~you didn't stir it up, I can't talk about my mom without getting emotional, I guess because I am very involved in her care. Mom primarily took care of dad. I didn't understand the stress involved in caring for someone with dementia until mom started needing care. No worries juju, Hugs to you!!
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