Back again with my mother's drama.

Started by

Hello, in need of advice my mom's health is getting worse she can't go anywhere without pooping and going pee all over she wears diapers but she sits in it till it's drenched with both and refuses to change until hours later or until it spills out and I have to pick it up. She is very abusive verbally and physically she throws things at me and calls me a bitch sorry but I'm telling it like it is because she says her food isn't warm enough then proceedes to pick up something to throw at me . I have four siblings mind you and they don't want to help take care of her unless they want something . You see my mother has always been abusive even when we were little. I have suffered the most being the youngest I have severe anxiety , depression and have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and some. my mom can walk barely but can and worse she drives plus lies to the doctors when she goes so they think she is just fine. I've been trying to get funds to get out but road blocks keep coming up . Shoot I was even thinking of a shelter for myself but don't know if that would be just as bad ? I'm disgusted with myself because I allow this person to get to me so I argue back instead of walking away it's so darn hard to hear her say, I had to take care of you when you were lillte really???? I'm not seen as a daughter but a servant or caretaker who gets talked down to.


i highly recommend you get counseling . If you don't learn to set boundaries you'll end up in other abusive relationships. Or be abusive to others. No one deserves to deal with such a horrid person as she is even if she's your mom.
It really isn't healthy or safe to be a hands-on caregiver for someone who has abused you. I agree with Sorrynotsorry that counseling would be helpful. Are you being treated for the depression and anxiety? Do you have a talk therapist? If not, I'm sure your doctors can recommend someone.

Meanwhile, do your best to extricate yourself from this toxic situation. Your profile says that Mom has general age-related decline. She has something beyond that. Healthy people do not sit in their own poop. Normal aging does not make someone throw objects at the caregiver, let alone their daughter. Your mother is pretending to her doctors that she is fine. You know she isn't. I hope you also realize that this is not normal aging you are seeing.

I see two courses of action for you.
1) Call APS. Tell them your mother is a vulnerable adult and you have been taking care of her, but you cannot continue that because she is abusive and also you have health problems. You don't want to just walk out on her, but you have to leave soon.
2) Call your county's Human Services Department and ask for a needs assessment for your mother. (Be present when they interview her. She is very likely to lie to them.) When they determine the level of care she needs they will also suggest how she can get it. You must tell them that you are leaving and can't be part of the care plan.

Any route you take is going to require you getting out of that house. Would you qualify to use a shelter, even for a short time? Are there any room-and-board places that you could afford? What is your source of income? Do you have some money saved?

Both options I suggest and probably any others will take some time to implement. Use that time to plan your immediate future.

I don't think there is any question about whether you should get out. The only question is how to make that possible.
Set up hidden cameras with sound and leave them on. But exercise caution if you are going to put them in the bathroom or her bedroom. Call APS and set up a meeting with you, your mother and the social worker. Tell them point blank that she is abusive and refuse to take care of her. Say you will be out of the house by this day. When your mom says she isn't abusive, show her and APS the recording.
Leave poo on floor, call APS!

YOU don't deserve this!!
Send a private note to her Dr. He may not be able to tell you anything due to HIPPA, but at least he will know there are concerns. IF she finds out.. oh well... Whats she going to do? throw something else at you? And why do you have to clean up after her... let it go and hide in your room if you must. When it gets bad enough.. take pix and show them to APS.. tell them she hits at you when you try to help. She needs more than you should be dealing with. Look into low income housing for yourself if that is needed, and any services you may qualify for. Good luck!
Thank you to all that gave good advice. I am in therapy and am trying to save up it's been hard because now I'm picking up some of her little wants and needs meaning food, or just junk like crafts. Food part I don't mind but other i have to put my foot down . One of her problems is she was always spoiled and got whatever she wanted when my father was alive shoot he had two jobs at one point because she wanted to stay home and watch soap operas that didn't last to long though. I do keep a journal of the incidences and voice record her when she is in action and yes she knows she is being recorded and says she doesn't care frankly it's sad! Next step is writing a note like someone said and handing it to the doctor .
Fed Up---
I don't have primary care of my mother--one of the reasons being that she was abusive and neglectful to me. I just--couldn't. I do what I can for her and then I'm gone.
You're staying in a VERY unhealthy place--what are the chances you can move out yourself or move mom to a NH? What would be the worst thing that would happen if you got a job and moved out on your own? Mom would have to find a new whipping post?

Realizing that just b/c someone is related to you doesn't mean that they're automatically "good" for you to have in your life. Sometimes our worst "enemies" are family.

Don't apologize for feeling what you feel.
Fedup73, if you are in therapy, what does your therapist say?
It sounds like there is something very wrong with your mother if she is incontinent and not even aware of it. She needs help. While it's sad that you have been mistreated, trying to sort it out, assign blame, etc. with a person who is no longer able to process information and care for their basic daily needs is futile. It won't work and you will continue to be frustrated. I'd try to notify someone like her doctor or adult protective services. It's sounds like a huge health issue.
It sounds like she didn't take care of you when you were little,
But even if she did, taking care of your baby is not the same as taking care of your demented parent. You don't owe her anything.
Abuse from anyone for any reason is not acceptable. Do what ever
You need to do to get out and call your siblings and tell them you're done!

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support