Asking siblings to help financially when they won't help emotionally or physically.

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I recently spoke with a young friend whose father has mild Alzheimer's and mother does not drive. He said his mother calls him constantly about taking her to various doctor's appointments and grocery shopping. My friend has just enough money to pay his own bills and does not have the kind of job that allows him to just take the time off for these appointments. However, his brother lives in Manhatten and along with his wife are attorneys. They make about $900,000 a year. Duh. I told my friend that he needs to tell his brother to make provisions to hire someone to take his parents to their appointments and grocery shopping so my friend does not lose his job. I told my friend that his father's life will only get worse and the problems for them will only increase in the future. I have a friend who is willing to take on the responsibility for him. Just have to figure out insurance and liability. If anyone else out there can do the same by getting their siblings involved at least financially, that would be a huge relief for them. That is the least they can do to help. I hope this helps in giving anyone an idea for bringing their siblings in the mix.
I am in the same situation as your friend except I left my job and my dad moved in.... We are selling everything to make ends meet. Siblings don't help or very rarely visit and no one lives more than 20 miles away! I am looking for answers as well.
Have you actually asked for them to help financially and fully explained the situation pointing out to them the facts of your situation? If they are aware of the situation and are not offering to help you might try having an attorney send them a letter pointing out their "neglect" of thier parents. Since they are both attorneys maybe a letter of shame from an attorney might reach them on some level.
I would threaten to move out of state if they do not help. Somehow you have to have a serious meeting with them to map out a plan for financial and emotional support. I cannot believe all the families on this site who go through the same thing. What is wrong with these people? I wish there was a law in effect to avoid this very thing. The misery this causes for the sibling who is left in charge of every aspect of their parent's care is overwhelming. They all need a good swift kick in the pants. It would be too confusing to have your dad move from house to house every few months so you need to get financial help from your siblings. Please let me know how the meeting goes. We are all here for you. I am sure you will get other ideas on this site. Hugs
To Noteslover, I was wondering why the mother is not calling her other children if she is able to call your friend. Perhaps your friend can explain to mother that she needs to spread the assistance requests around. Unless there is some estrangement, would the other children really refuse a direct request? If yes, perhaps friend should advise siblings of situation and what help is needed and tell them if they don't step up, since lone sibling can't address their needs, lone sibling will have to call the local authorities to prevent self neglect and when doing so, lone sibling will also give local authorities the other siblings contact information.
Noleslover, to me the first bad guy in this scenario is Mother. Why is she calling only one son for help, and the one who can least afford to provide the help? Does she has some dementia, too?

Next, Brother sounds like a first-class jerk but I don't know the background. Does Brother know the situation? Has he been asked directly? Does Mother refuse his help? Was Brother abused growing up? Is there a terrible estrangement in the family?

So ... don't really know enough to hand out Bad Guy medals here, and that wouldn't help anyway.

The obvious first step is to lay out the picture for Brother and ask directly for money for some in-home help.

If that has already been tried (and I certainly hope it has), then Friend needs to behave as an only child. Fair? Goodness gracious no! But if that's the reality, deal with it.

Can Mom afford to simply hire transportation? Are there some assets that could be sold now to provide the extra services they now need? If not, research programs that Dad might be eligble for. One place to start is the Department of Aging or Agency on Aging or whatever it is called in Dad's state. Many on this site report they've gotten excellent advice from that source on what is available and how to go about arranging for it. When my husband developed dementia I called Social Services in our county. A trained and compassonate case worker came out and did a needs accessment. Her advice was to get Husband on Medicaid and Elderly Waiver programs, and in our case, to do that through an Elder Law attorney who could guide us through the complicted process of one spouse qualifying while the other will need income/assets to live on. The intake worker was also familiar with various charity efforts in our community and left me with information on a ton of resources available.

Even if Brother is turning his back on his elderly parents, our society does not. Friend needs to devote some effort to researching what is available.

If well-off Brother would rather see his parents on welfare than contribute to their well being himself, then my advice is don't wait around on Brother. Move forward with what must be done.

But very definitely Friend needs to protect his own means of earning a living.
If they physically won't help they rarely care enough to help out financially.In 7 years of caring for my folks my siblings and their offspring contributed zero.Most of the time their kids were calling me looking for money.None of them ever came to visit either (they all live locally).Their parents/grandparents would give you the shirt off their back and never missed a birthday or holiday for them.It is the way of the world today.Two thirds of caregivers I met during this journey were in the same boat.I burned through my parents savings quickly then used a good portion of my retirement savings.My dad passed but I took care of my mom for 5 more years and she finally ended up on Medicaid.I still needed to pay for private caregivers out of my pocket because the NH she ended up in at the end was like most of them - a total disaster and one step up from a death camp. Lucky for me I have a pension and am young enough to recover partially from the dump and run job from 'the family'. My dad has been gone 5.5 years and my mom 6 months and not one of them has even bothered to visit their graves.They didn't care in life so why should they care afterwards?My advise is to ask a few times and feel them out and if they stonewall you start talking with a elderlaw attorney and eldercare agencies so you can get all the help that is available from sources that have been put in place for your parents care.Try to keep them at home as long as possible but plan on spending some of your own savings.A elderlaw attorney will help you spend down their assets so they get the best care possible using their money first.Plan ahead and make sure your parents money goes towards their care and not into your siblings pockets.
My friend just has the one brother. Their mother does not drive. That is the problem. I told my friend that there are agencies that offer transportation to and from doctor's appointments, etc. My girlfriend offered to drive them but the mother was not warming up to that. There is no estrangement that I know of. The father was just diagnosed with dementia. I am sure my friend's brother will help. Just need him to call his brother! What is he waiting for? Don't know. It will only get worse. I need to ask more questions like is the father a veteran. How much money do they have of their own, etc.
If you are sure that Brother will help, then what is the problem? Mother gets some money for transportation from Brother. Mother calls a cab or a medical transportation service or hires your girlfriend. End of problem. If Brother is willing to help, why isn't he helping?

This is a very confusing issue.
Asking is a start, but my question is how to motivate after you ask and they do agree to help, but then do nothing? My mom never made provisions for this kind of thing. She doesn't have life insurance and from the way it looks, I'll be the one holding the bag on paying for funeral expenses and whatnot. My full-time job is taking care of my mother. I don't even bring in $600 a month doing it and we wouldn't even be able to survive if I didn't live with my mother. To pay for life insurance as well? That's all I asked my sister to help with. It never got done and now I'm looking at a very hefty expense when the day comes that I have to lay my mother to rest. I very seriously doubt my sister will help with that bill either. She's loving yet extremely disconnected from this situation, as if she's nothing more than a distant friend. My mom is her mother too for pete's sake. I would love to know the type of kick in the pants my sis needs to get going on this with me.

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