Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Speaking to your doctor about your mother's isolation is probably a good idea. She may be suffering from depression, or anxiety, and not telling you. Sometimes, the opinion/advice of an objective third party goes a long way to convincing seniors to get the help they need. Finding a hobby that your mother is passionate about may also help.

i have been caring for my elderly mother for 7 years. the stress that is on me is unreal. my only sibling, a brother, died 2 yrs ago, as did my husband. My mother is very controlling and wants to rule my life. she treats me like i am a teenager, and when i complained to her about this, she said, well you act like a teenager. i have friends who i like to visit, who live just down the street, but each time i go down there, she acts as if it is a slap in her face. complains constantly of not getting to do anything and has to 'sit in her chair' all day every day. I take her on a shopping trip at least once a week. I take her anywhere she says she wants to go. but still, not good enough. she is constantly griping at me and my son, who is my only support system. HELP

First, I would like to thank both of you for your comments. I really appreciate your contact. Shadyldy131, I know exactly what you are going through. I am also treated like a teenager and still get reminded of all the things I did wrong growing up. And I'm 48 years old. My mother has absolutely no trust in me whatsoever. I've been trying to start a small business and she tells me what I should or should not do. I enjoy going to car shows on the weekend, and she makes me feel guilty if I go anywhere, yet she will not go. I am on a very strict low salt diet for blood pressure, and she still goes to the store and buys things that I am not suppose to eat. And if I don't eat them, she pouts and tells me how much money she has wasted. You sound like you are in the very same situation. I constantly hear, "I wouldn't do this, or I wouldn't go here, or I wouldn't have anything to do with this person". When my stepdad passed away 11 years ago, I sobbed and cried, because I knew my life was over. From that moment on, she would try to control everything about me. If you need to vent - I'm here and I understand.

I am in the same position as both of you. My Mom sits there all day and plays dictator, acts like she doesn't appreciate anything, and you are disrespectful if you state your views. She makes me feel guilty because I have a life. We are treated like we are youngsters. I'm 44 and I can't wait to GROW UP. What will the stress do to our health?

sjohnson9 - go to the car show! You deserve and need to have stress relief in you life.

Decor 426 I know exactly what you mean. I was in Hurricane Katrina and lost everything. I had to take both of my aging parents in. My dad had 3 strokes and is in a wheelchair and my mom is healthy, but nervous and has aches and pains everyday. I have been helping take care of my dad with my mom for 20 years. She refuses to put him in a nursing home, but she is the real problem. She has become a dictator since she lives with me. She wants to tell me what to do all the time. I take her out the house everyday, even if its for 2 hours to go to Walmart or the Pharmacy, which has become my life. I live at the doctors offices 3 - 4 times a week and that has been for the past 20 years. I have never had a real life with my husband and children because I was always trying to take care of them. Don't get me wrong, my kids always came first, but my husband sometime got put on the backburner. She takes up a lot of my time and thinks thats the way it should be. She hears of other older people living alone and when I tell her if she don't lay off she could be in the same position, she don't get it. I have recently bought another home and am going to add a whole separate living quarter for them hoping that it will give me some space. I'm really losing it after this many years of dealing with it. I'm feel so differently about my mom now, when I use to love her so. I feel like she has taken my life away from me. When I finally have the nerve to speak up for myself, she makes me feel guilty. My brothers, don't do anything, they won't even take my parents for a weekend so I can get away with my family. She don't care that my brothers won't take them and she still talks to them like it was nothing, instead of taking it as an insult. I am lost and don't know what to do.

mlv3000 I think we harbor resentment at our mothers because we know they can be stronger and they are not stupid, but they have thrown in the towel so to speak. I find that my mother doesn't want to do any activities because my Dad can't anymore, I think she would feel guilty if she would. Believe me my Dad wouldn't mind if she did something it would make all of us happier. I know that I am a good person and that I am kind to others and I try to do the right thing by my parents. So no matter what your Mom says just remember who you are as a person.

Decor426 This morning my mother told me that she doesn't understand why I want her and my dad separate from me. I told her 2 families just can't live together. She told me that she and my dad was my family. I told her of course they were, but I can't live with all of this sickness around me at all times. She is pouting now, and won't get out of bed. I am standing my ground. This is not good for my 12 year old daughter and my husband. I have been helping for 20 years and she won't give me any credit for what I have done. She acts like I haven't done anything. The whole thing with my Mom is, is that she wants to go everywhere with me and leave my dad with a sitter and she won't give me any space. I feel like I have wasted my whole life on someone who don't see what I was trying to do for them.

mlv3000 I believe that sometimes they think they are owed our companionship and this is what they brought us up to do, its expected of us, I wonder how long I can do it myself. At least you were able to buy a home I'm not in that situation. My Dad doesn't understand why I have to get out of the house, and I get dirty looks and comments when my husband,sons and I want to plan a get away, thats what I have to look forward to when we plan to go on vacation this summer. I'm going to have to get someone to come over to make sure my Dad gets his medication because she gets confused. I have very little conversation with my Mom because of her bitterness. Sometimes things are more appreciated when you don't have them around all the time. I support your move, but put a schedule in place so you are not there all the time and take time for yourself for once.

Decor426 I know what you mean about vacations. I haven't had one in 11 years. Last year I planned a 3 day get away and asked one of my brothers to keep my mom and dad. He said yes and on the day I was to leave, he said he couldn't handle them. I had an aunt that took pity on me and came and stayed. I was miserable the whole time. I slept my 3 days away from depression. It's not fair that I can't do what I want to do when I want to do it. I'm sorry you don't have a home, but no matter where you are if they are under your feet, its bad. I hate my own home. When I bring my little girl to school in the morning, I don't want to come home. I wish I could run away. I saw a doctor that gave me valium to help out with my nerves, but it really don't help. I have all this pent up anger and it needs to come out. We were not made to take care of our parents forever. I said 20 years ago, I'm in it till the end and I fear it will be mine first. I love my parents, they were good to me, but my mother is so controlling. My husband and I go out and grab a taco bell bite or a hamburger on Friday and Saturday night and before I go I have to feed them. Then she will say, you never ask me to go with you. Her place is to stay and take care of my Dad, not to horn in on my husband and I's together time. She just don't get it. Anything, I do is just not good enough and I don't want to hurt her feelings forever, but I have to take a stand for myself now.

Decor426 Do you believe that the people being taken care of survive longer than the caretaker? If thats true, I'm already 46 years old and have been doing this half of my life. I hope thats not true, but I did say I would never quit. Appreciation does go along way with how you feel about taking care of someone. I will never do this to my children. I told my 20 year old daughter to put me in a home before she should make her life miserable taking care of her daddy or I. She said Mom, you don't have to worry about that you will go in a home. Love that kid! My 12 year old said she will take care of me. I said nooooooooo way.

wow - it is so nice to see that I am not alone.
to get back to sjohnson9's comments.....
a mother who sits alone in the dark with her dog and is afraid is more than depressed. I don't know what the relationship is with your mom, but you
really need to find out what is going on with HER - - your issues unfortunately are secondary to what is happening. try to imagine what would happen if you knew that you were losing it, and were AFRAID>......we are all going to be there someday.....the purpose of what we have chosen to do is care for someone as they are now - *not* to rehash issues from our youth. If you let go of that and allow you to like them as a person - it will make you both hapier.

truly, my sympathies, I am not dismissing your feelings. I am a caregiver for my mother with no help from anyone...and it is very hard. You will burn yourself out and do your mom a dis-service if you dont take care of her perception of reality FIRST. The reality is now, not old stuff. She doesn't remember your child hood issues - just be kind and find out what is really making her scared. YOu will notice that the dog is her friend because it is non judgemental and just loves.

take care - hope this didn't sound too preachy, but all bitter feelings or resentment will just drain you till you are unable to feel.

Our parents have outlived their parents and most have not had to be the caregivers to their parents. Its harder for us because we are trying to raise our families and and go on with our lives after the kids leave but it doesn't end there and begin anew so to speak. There will for sure be the time when we will be able to breath, are we selfish to want that time I don't think so our parents had that time I think of what they were doing in their 40's. I just don't like it when there is so much anger and I have decided to be the bigger person and not stir the pot. Anger is the the fuel that keeps my Mom going, without a good arguement she has even less to do. I have spoke to the Doctor about her behavior and he could give her a depression med but would she take it?, because of the denial of any problem, its all us and not her, she wouldn't and you can't force her as long as she can make up her own mind.

Decor426 What you just commented on is the God's honest truth. I bite my lip everyday not to say something to stir the pot, but they don't mind doing it. My mom says she took care of her mother for 34 years. My grandmother stayed in her own home Monday thru Friday and only came over on Saturday evening and went home Sunday. My mom didn't drive, so she didn't have to go to countless doctor appointments. My mom's on an antidepressant, but it makes her more sarcastic. So it didn't do me any good. Is that selfish? I can't accept her the way she is now. What happened to my mother who worried about me and not her and my dad. She never once says, Go out honey and have a good day. You seem to be living my same problem. Sorry to be writing back so often, but I am in a very vulnerable state right now, not knowing if I am doing the right thing.

I don't mind the responses I recieve from you its great that we can express ourselves. They don't realize that we are missing out because it is all about them. My Dad shows appreciation but he also sees my stress but can't understand why I do things the way I do and its hard to accept an explaination. They have more time now to observe what is going on and put their two cents worth in. My sons have 4 parents at home instead of two and that is frustrating too. You think they would be happy they are not in a nursing home.

I have been looking for a place where I can seek support, advice, and just vent. I am so happy to read the above letters especially from MVL and Decor. I, too, am a caregiver to a very difficult mother who is 82 and a father who is 84 with nearly 3 years into Alzheimers. I agree with Decor, you would think the fact that they aren't in nursing homes or in my mom's case no longer in active senior living. She hated at the senior residence for independent and active seniors. She has lived with us for 4 months now, feels like double the time. She lived at the senior residence for 16 months. I have taken over her care for a year now. Some of the time while she was in active living. My mother never was the type to say go out and enjoy yourself honey. So, there is no shift in personality there. She is actually better then she was before. The reason for this is because she lived with my brother and his wife for 6 months and was asked to leave. Then 16 months in a senior residence. I am her last place to go so to speak. It took me one year to decide to offer for her to move in. It has taken all of the skills I have learned from my counselor and then some to deal with my mother. I do believe that my mother has the attitude that we were brought up to take care of them and it is our duty. This is especially prevalent in asian cultures. My mother being asian, always put it in my head that kids should take care of aging parents. Because of this attitude I do believe there is little true appreciation and gratitude. It is very disappointing, heartbreaking even to not be given little or any credit. If words are spoken it is usually complaints, criticism or negativity. It is not always this way but it is more often then not. I do love my parents, even my mother..(laughing)...but it is a drain. She is more of a drain to me then my father. She is an emotional drain always has been and continues to be so. It seems decor and mlv are kind hearted, giving people as am I. But, somehow I do believe we are in the same boat. Little or no appreciation or gratitude. What is wrong with this picture? How am I to feel..go on? My sister has her own emotional problems and is excused from helping...my brother helps manage their financial affair but I am left to do EVERYTHING else...and to deal with EVERYTHING else. I resent my sister for this and we are estranged now.

Cindi It makes me feel better that there are other people out there like us. My two brothers are no help at all and say that I can do it because I do not work outside the home. I resent that they have a life and I don't. They can go where they want any time and do not have to check in with anyone. It is such a struggle to even leave the house, its almost not worth it. My mother was always controlling, even as a child and I am the type of person that can be controlled easily. I feel like I can't go on not knowing how long I have to keep this up. Don't get me wrong, I don't want anything to happen to them, it will just be harder on me if they get sicker. As it is now, I'm at the doctors office 3 times a week. There just living with me 2 years, since the Hurricane, but I did help out 20 years. I'm sick of it. I always felt like I was doing things out of the kindness of my heart, but now I feel differently. Please keep talking to me, it helps to know someone else is out there who is not appreciated. Wouldn't a little appreciation go along way? My friends say I need a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is not going to tell me anything I don't already know. I should have set boundaries for myself years ago. It is hard to change things for old people after you have gave them their way all your life.

Mlv:
Yes, it is good to know we are not alone. I know it is difficult to set boundaries when they have been allowed to have all their ways. However, better late then never. I think counseling might help you with your boundaries better, I know it has helped me. I have restarted going to see my counselor/mentor/adoptive Mother! Afterall, you have all the power. Besides which if we don't take care of our needs and ourselves we are good to nooone. Today in fact right now I am going to take my Mother, Father, 1 hour away for her haircut and so she can do some grocery shopping. Hubby is driving, thank goodness. Full day for us..talk to you later...hang in there! Plan something for yourself..any little something..do it now! Plan it now that is...

Cindi

I keep comming back to this message board because I am a single woman who is taking care of my mother who has dementia and heart disease with no help / no relatives. I do it willingly, but am very alone in caregiving and managing to work to pay the bills. My mothers home and money was stolen and she relies on me as her social security is a pittance here in Los Angeles....especially in this economy

Each time I read the latest postings, I feel sad - - you all have many resources and even some support - people around you like husbands , siblings, etc. and yet you are sad because there is no "me time". So I would like to share something with you all,

right now I have spent the last week in a hospital room with little sleep - unable to leave because of the critical state of my mothers health. Not ONE healthcare worker bothered to do more than what they were paid to do. when my mother was released from the hospital several days ago I was told to go back to her in network HMO doctor to follow up. She is currently at risk for both stroke and/or bleeding so she is not on any anti-coagulants. It looks like I will spend another weekend monitoring her and doing everything to maintain normalcy while I try not to cry. The only thing that keeps me going is not complaining - which is why I came here for support - guess its not there for me or the others who don't bother to post.

signing off this website for good. Nobody has it easy, but suggest that the only way to get through it is positive - not negative complaints.

cat, you are not alone in being the only caregiver. i am there too, also single. i have a son who is mentally challenged who lives with us, and he does give me a little space, but if i leave, then i have two to worry about, instead of one. My mother is the most hateful, mean mouthed old lady i have ever seen. she has nothing good to say about me. i cook, clean, take care of her needs, play games on the computer so i will be near her at all times. sometimes my resentment is so much that i can hardly stand it. i am 63, have raised my kids one of my grandkids, and now, seem to be right back in the same boat again. my worst fear is that she will outlive me and i will never be free of this responsibility. sometimes i think she would be happier in a nursing home, as she says i never talk to her and that i treat her like she is an idiot. i may do that, unaware. dont mean to, but, apparently she thinks i do. I took her to my sons house a couple of months ago for a weekend. he has all his bedrooms upstairs, but he got a bed and put it in the formal living room at his house for her. she did nothing but complain the whole time we were there, wanting to come home. but, as soon as we came home, she started complaining that she doesnt get to do anything and cant go anyplace because she doesnt have a car. yes, i did sell her car, she had no business driving. anyway, things are no better here. i think day and night of solutions for this problem, but find none. i have checked in to respite care, which is not available in our small community. THERE HAS TO BE AN ANSWER.

cat I feel sorry that you have to deal with this all alone and I wish I was a positive thinker like you. Unfortunately, my dad had 3 strokes in 20 years. I was pregnant for my first child while sleeping on hospital room floors just to be near my parents. My children have grown up in hospital rooms most of their lives, because I have had to shuffle them with me on the many 6-8 month stays in hospitals and rehabs. My children make me feel like I did them an injustice while trying to balance taking care of them and taking care of their grandparents. As far as my husband being a support system, I had to wonder day by day if he was going to leave because of my being a support system to my parents who I dearly loved. I feel terrible that you have to work and have no support at home, but I too feel lonely in my own being. I was born into a family of negative people, so my negativeness is ingrained. I think your positive attitude is wonderful and hope you find people to support you with the same positive attitude that I wish I had.

Shdylady I wish you all the luck, I say all the time, "there is no answer to my problem" that will make me happy. I will feel guilty if I put them in a home and I can't live with them either. My most scariest thought is still do be doing this at the age you are now, since I'm 20 years into it already or that I will die first and not get to enjoy my children's children. Sorry to be so negative girls. Will pray for all of us for the right answer.

Its been a couple days (kids took over the computer) and WOW I don't think we mean to drag ppl down its to try to relieve the little bit of stress in our day to day tasks by making new friends that have the same things in common and that understand. I believe I have found that in mlv and the others.
MLV talk to me about your new house. We went and checked out the college my son is going to in the fall, he's excited. Then I had to come home and do my Dad's shopping, then get dinner started while Mom sat there. These little things may sound petty but when it feels like 24/7 and she is physically able to do the daily home chores it makes me mad. She is not causing her health to get better by not doing anything. The cardiologist wants her to walk but its to cold and when its nice its to hot. He wanted her to get an exercise bike, she never would have, so I bought her some floor pedals. She needs bypass surgery but chooses not too. If it wasn't for the pills she said she wouldn't get up in the morning,and she hates taking them. She hates the simple task of weighing herslf everyday. Complaining wears on a person after a short time, sorry. I too, don't know whats going to happen, my Dad is 94 and his time may be short she is 74 and my Dad is the anchor in the family and I'm afraid because of the relationship between my Mom and I is stressed it will probably be worse if something happens to my Dad. She makes me nervous everyday.

This is to Cat's earlier comments. It is sad that you do not have any other support other then yourself. Everyone has their way of coping with their situation. This message board is for various reasons. I believe some of us are trying to vent and ask for ways of dealing with a situation that is getting to us. I see nothing wrong with that. Complaints, venting, advice seeking, tips of how to cope this is where we might find ways to handle and cope with a very heavy and difficult situation. Some of are sandwiched in between children and parents. Frankly, the support we may get is minimal. As women, we know where most of the work falls on. Wish you and your mother well...sorry you found the negativity too much. It is what it is. Yes, we must try to be positive and see things postively but we are human and have to vent somewhere if not here then where?

Decor426 I know exactly where you are coming from. Before the hurricane, when my parents lived in their own home, I always thought I could handle one of them, but not both. Now since they live with me, my dad is the real disabled one, but my mom is the one that makes me nervous. I could take care of him with no problem. He lost most of his speech from the stroke, so its hard to understand him. I often wonder, if my dad, god forbid, died, would my Mom be worse or better to handle. I think worse. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach every morning when I have to get up and face the day. I feel like vomiting. I get up and force myself to do what I have to do. Isn't that unfair that after you had a nice day checking out your son's new school, that you had to come back to the same drudgery. Don't you wish you didn't have to go home. Sometime, I wish I didn't have to call home. And that thing about going outside to exercise, and its too cold when its cold, and too hot when its nice. Boy, do I know about that one. I have to keep the air condition/heater on 80 degrees for these people to be happy. Anyway, the addition on my house will be started soon and I asked my Mom, make sure this is what you want because I have to have you and dad separate, even if only by a door for my sanity. I told her it was this way or an assisted living facility. If they did that, I would be running over there every time they couldn't turn the tv channel on their own. I told her not to let me start this addition and her change her mind, because I can't foot the bill, she has to with her flood money from the Hurricane. Well this is the first time I have ever asserted myself with my mother, so needless to say, she didn't like it. Usually, I cry and apologize, but this time I held my ground. Don't know if it will do much good, I just feel guilty in the long run. Thanks for listening and will be glad to listen to you anytime.

Mlv

I think it is great that you were assertive to your mother. I think it will do good, just have to stand your ground as you mentioned. Maybe if you hold your ground she will see that you do mean what you say and perhaps she will treat you a bit differently, maybe even a bit better. Either way, you are doing yourself and family a good thing and are in no way changing the good care you give your parents. Guilt serves no purpose, you are doing nothing wrong. Somehow, we must find a way or ways to take care of ourselves as well as our parents. Maybe parents can become kind of spoiled and maybe pushing off their negative feelings on us because we are around and they know we love them?...just a thought

cindi, you are so right about parents becoming spoiled, as little kids. my mother is that way. 7 years ago when i first took on the responsibility of caring for her, my brother was alive as was my husband. her mind was much sharper and her physical needs were not as great. but, still, i chose to do everything for her, which i believe now was a disservice to her, but at the time thought i was doing the best thing. I hate to sound whiny, and i have read my letters and find that i am worried more about "poor little me" than my mom. I have a gentleman friend who is great with my mom and she adores him. that has given me a little more freedom to enjoy things i want to do, as he will just tell her that i deserve a few hours away, and she agrees with him(though, if i said it, she would not) The only hope we have is with each other, and if we feel the need to whine, then this is the best place to do it, with others who understand. my heart and prayers go out to all of u. May God bless you all.

Cat, its so terrible to hear you don't have any support/help with your caregiving situation. That is why AgingCare.com is here: to help people like you connect with others, and NOT feel so alone. This is a place where you CAN vent, and complain if you want to, and no one will judge you, because everyone here understands, through personal experience, what you are going through. Please don't give, and don't sign off forever. We want you here, as part of the community. If we can't support each other in person, at least with can support each "virtually" online. Our thoughts are with you!

There are plenty of things to read on this website, how to get someone to cooperate is the key.

Dear decor426, Cindi, and Shadyldy, I feel like I found just was I was looking for in you girls. I look forward to hearing about your days also. It makes me feel normal again. Went to the Doctor today, forgot to mention I have obsessive compulsive disorder with cleaning. It's not real bad, I just have to go through the same household chores everyday. Never had it before I started taking care of my parents. Doctor says, the reason, is because its the only thing I can control in my life. Makes sense Huh? I'm here and listening if you need me. I check my mail every morning and late at night. My husband says you better not be talking to some man. Notice no men comments. Would like to see some of those who are taking care of someone.

take care mlv3000

thanks for the kind words mlv, and i too feel that i found some help and connection with you ladies. I guess it is that misery loves company? no not really, but it is good to hear how you deal with the same circumstances that i have daily. today, went to drugstore to pick up her daily meds, she was dissappointed that i didnt take her, but it was just a quick trip, and it is just too hard to get her and her walker in and out of my small car. she is pouting, but, it only took me 20 minutes to go and come back. I am preparing for her 90th birthday party, yes, i have to plan it, there is no one else. another chore that i have to do, and she keeps telling me more thing that i need to do, she wants to be in charge. wish she could do it all. keep your chins up girls. luvya