87 yo mom considers any discussion concerning POA, wills, living arrangements "disrespectful."

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Basically, I think it is a control issue. My mom is no day at the beach, so it is easier to let her have her way. My siblings have been always disconnected from the situation, and do not share the caregiving responsibilities. They live out of state and their contributions consists of weekly phone calls and one visit per year. But they definitely have opinions...she needs to do this or that. However, all these wonderful tasks are directed at me. They don't do any of the heavy lifting. I hate to admit it, I have gotten to the point that if I see any of their numbers on the caller id, I don't pick up. I know that is pretty pathetic and I am just venting. Thanks for the ear!


Why are you her caregiver?
Trish, when you wrote "87 yo mom considers any discussion concerning POA, wills, living arrangements "disrespectful" that reminded me of my parents. Anything to do with finances was like a top security classified document.... it felt like my folks were part of the witness protection group.

I was wondering in your family if you Dad handled all of the bills, insurance, taxes? Thus, Mom may not understand what is a POA or a Will or a Living Will. That was her husband's job to do.

At least at one time in my parent's life they did get a Will and a POA. Once I found the documents I noticed they were older then dirt. I had to use a "therapeutic lie" to get my parents to have all their legal documents updated.... I told Dad that the way the Will was written, the government would get half of his assets. His ears perked up, and he had me make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney. My parents were in their 90's and we were cutting it very close. Few months later my Mom had a serious fall and spent her last three months in long-term-care.
Dear Trisha,

I hear you. I too was the one left to do the heavy left while my siblings were off living their lives. I know you are doing the best you can.

I do find it is critical to have these legal documents in place. If not, it will only cause more hard feelings when our parents pass. Both my parents depended on me so much they were actually happy to sign me up as their POA. I hope your mom will come around. Maybe just bring in an elder law attorney or social worker to talk to her. She might take it better from an independent third party.
Does your mother have any friends who have their documents signed and in order? I ask, because my parents were resisting, delaying, etc. and I just was so frustrated with it, but, before I could call a family meeting with my brothers and them, they happened to mention it to a close family friend who said that she had already signed hers and her son had the paperwork. She was so relieved to have had it out of the way. Her words seemed to encourage them and they didn't protest any more and got it done.  I placed the originals in a safe place. 
Thank you all for your suggestions(sorry for delayed response). BarbBrooklyn, are you saying I should disconnect?
Trisha, I don't know where you live. Where I live, if an elder becomes suddenly disabled due to a stroke, major heart attack or some such and family does not have papers in order, then FAMILY has no say so in what happens. If mom wants her wishes followed, she needs to have an advance directive on file and in a place that EMS will take it to the hospital with her.

Does she want the government to determine that she needs to be kept alive, no matter what state she's in?

I frankly have no patience for elders who don't work with their children to get these documents in place.

Maybe your siblings have gone no/little contact because they see that she's a narcissist who insists on having her way? Read up on FOG...fear, obligation and guilt.
My MIL refused to do ANYTHING about EOL decisions. She said "I trust my kids will just divide everything in thirds and that is what I want". Well, no will or trust...I finally told her that she wouldn't "get" that. Her estate would go into probate. The family would be locked out of the house. STRANGERS would go through all her stuff ("even my underwear drawer??") I said "Yes. and the family will have no recourse but to allow this." Just being so afraid of anyone even being INSIDE her home makes her panic.

This conversation got her to at least see an attorney and assign an executor and make a will. I have no idea who the executor is and what she wants, but at least there's some order in place. She'll live forever, likely outlive both my hubby and his brother. So it was very important that she do this.

She also thought it in the worst of taste to discuss "this kind of thing"....maybe it's the generational thing. I don't know.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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