It's 5:00 on Friday...(my time zone anyway).

Christina~I knew I was full of $hit!!

Hey Bobbie! Two captains on one vehicle. Is that like too many cooks in the kitchen?

I just sent a really good joke to Cuz to post on another thread. Maybe he'll post it later. I'm kind of cyber ignorant, don't know how to cut & paste and too impatient to figure it out. It's about women buying a bathing suit and it's a bit risqué.
Mishka, didn't you tell me that You are the BEST Caregiver? I thought you told me that one day...? Lol xo

r

Hey Mish! love that new thread!!

haha good ones you guys.

Love the jokes and wisdom from Kuli and the jokes from the Cap.
Christina! wassup!
Happy Friday to all and thanks again Boni for a great thread.

ok, I have to go up the dock for a pot luck. If I'm lucky there will be some pot.

lovbob

That is funny Mishka!!
Captain~Funny!! That is one hell of a chicken!!
Sorry I don't any jokes to share but I love reading what you all are posting. Keep it coming maybe it will rejuvenate some of my dead brain cells...is it 5 yet??? Oh darn...it is only 3:20 here. I had lunch so I guess it is ok to have a beer now!!

HAR !!

ok, this one is silly but what the hell. a biker was tooling down a country road one evening about dusk. in his mirror he noticed a speck that was closing fast. as the speck pulled up alongside the bike it turned out to be a chicken. not believing his eyes the biker kicked the bike up to 70 mph which only encouraged the chicken to run faster. kicking the bike up to 80 mph resulted in the chicken keeping the same speed. at a point the chicken trounced the bikers speed and peeled off into a barnyard about a mile up the road. the biker, totally perplexed at this poinr pulled into the barnyard where a weathered old farmer was hanging out. wtf is with this high speed chicken, the biker inquired? oh, thats a special meat bird that we bred right on this farm for his muscle, an eating bird. illbedamned, exclaimed the biker. whatta they taste like? donno, said the farmer, aint nobody ever been able to catch one of em yet..

Hi guys! I fell off the wagon-had three beers already. Aww, crap-it is almost a holiday weekend. Summer is my weak point.

BTW-my "discussion" about being a better caregiver was in jest-please note-I do NOT think I am a better caregiver!!!


Alrighty then, going out on my deck to relax. Be back in a bit.

Ummm-for a funny --one time my husband sold newspaper ads. True story. This outlet guy bought a full page ad for his big sale!-big bucks!---only thing is my husband accidentally put in the ad----"WE ARE UNDER STOCKED AND OVER PRICED!!!". Needless to say he does not sell newspaper ads anymore!

i love that joke kuli.
heres a good one too. a biker was pulled over late one night for speeding. as the officer questioned him he admitted that his bags were full of drugs that hed stolen from the man hed recently murdered and there was indeed a weapon on the bike. the patrolman called his superior to have a look and the biker agreed to a vehicle search. the vehicle search turned up nothing in the line of weapons or drugs. the seargeant told the biker that this was confusing as the arresting patrollman had reason to believe that guns and drugs would be found. yea, right, the biker blurted out. ill bet the prick probably told you i was speeding too.. he ha har..

Ditto on your number 2 joke. I mean the second one, Kuli.

Good one, Kuli! Good weekend to you:)
I'm not wearing my watch, so I'm not sure what time it is. Wink wink. Cap'n you deserve a reward. AC mandatory for the next couple weeks. Drink lotsa water, too, and for all elders who cannot ask for it themselves. One of my pet peeves at the care home. They hate me there, I'm such a nag. I'll just have another margarita and fagedaboutit. Cheetos flying through the air!

One more for Happy Hour......

Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria".

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) --- the bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Cheers!

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”
Cheers and Happy Friday to all, Kuli

I Hope Y'all have some giggles for me tonight....I've already had enough $hit.

is it ok if i start drinking at 4;30? fixed my lady friends air conditioner unit today. i think that warrants a couple drinks.

I need to run errands and fix dinner and stuff...but I'll be happy houring with Y'all soon! Save me a seat!

Well, its almost noon here so 5 hours to go!! Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right??

Mishka, Hang in there you darling girl!!!
Wilma! WhooHoo! We're in the same time zone. I'll get my cat and meet you and your cat on the 405! Or the 101. Wherever you are, I'll find you and the margaritas!
where's YaYa, boni, CapnBobbie, CapnHardass! Come on down! 5 hours to go for me! I'm celebrating the completion of a 3 week root canal. CHEERS!!! xoxo ttyl

6 more hours to go for me!!

Is it 5 yet?

"north west passage"....BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Bobbie - the last one was Diva Thin Muffin....had to look it up. How could I have forgotten?? I saw the Mothers of Invention live once...at one point Frank actually urinated into a beer can on stage. He definitely enjoyed giving his audiences the full live concert experience....

OMG, I'm laughing so hard over the waxing comments....!!!

I got my eyebrows shaped/waxed at a salon once and really liked how it turned out. When the brows started to lose their lovely salon shapeliness I bought a face wax kit at Walmart....I thought, how hard can it be? Of course I'd forgotten all about the soothing balm and damp cool cloths the salon had applied AFTER the wax. Not only did my do-it-yourself attempt yield two uneven and awkwardly shaped eyebrows, they were so puffy and red afterward I looked part Neanderthal! The kit went into the trash. I'll live with my "Brooke Shields: the Early Years" eyebrows....who am I trying to impress anyway?

TMZ called Kims "V"...the north west passage! lmao

I tell my younger friends...the good news is, when you get older, you barely have hair on your legs or pits to shave.
The BAD news is, it's now on your face!

Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet and who was the last one?
Good ol Frank.

North West my ass.

omg I have to get my face waxed.

I'm sitting here laughing thinking about wtf a NoNo is, then I realize I have Google so now I know what a NoNo is haha. Went on the website and there was a lady zapping some guy's nipple hairs. Nice.
You have to get the special narrow Thermicon™ Tips for Small & Sensitive Areas in order to do your face.

Looks like it would be great on legs but I only have 7 hairs left on both legs.

I do have a Flowbee however, and am very pleased with it.

Got a face wax kit but am nervous to use it. Scared I am going to cook myself. Have only had my face waxed once and I didn't do it.
Not a lot of wax experience.

Had half a bikini wax a long time ago. First side hurt too much so one side was enough and I figured it would match up sooner or later.

I think I am too lazy to get old.

lovbob

Thanks for the laughs Ya'll! I laughed, coughed, peed, sneezed and farted all at the same time!
The OCD one is going on my face book tonight!

More funny tee shirts/miscellaneous phrases....

Sarcasm...
Just one more service I provide

Some people say I have a Bad Attitude
Screw them

If you met my family
You would understand

Poor planning on your part
Does not constitute an Emergency for me

After Monday and Tuesday
Even the calendar says WTF

Never underestimated the power
Of Stupid people in large groups

Inside every older person
Is a younger person
wondering what the hell happened

When in doubt...
mumble

I smile because I have
No idea what's going on

I'm so old I can laugh, cough
pee, sneeze & fart all at the same time

Wine improves with age...
I improve with wine

I have CDO. It's like OCD
but all the letters are in order like they should be

I don't have a short attention span
I just...oooo look a bunny!

Hey Boni, speaking of stupid celebrity baby names remember Moon Unit Zappa?

Bobbie - the old nursery rhyme phrase "not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin" takes on a whole new hideous meaning, eh? I'm seriously considering the purchase of a "NoNo"

Captain.....Im going to start talking to more homeless men.....LOL......LOL

Boni.......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! breath ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

allright, heres what i believe to be my new favorite joke and incredibly enough its clean enough to share openly.
a homeless man living under a bridge hears a woman up top of the bridge muttering incoherantly one evening. the guy goes up and asked the disraught woman what was going on. " im going to jump off this bridge "she exclaims. " would you have sex with me first " the homeless man asked ? " hell no, the lady exclaimed. " fine, said the homeless man, ill wait till you hit the bottom " .