It's been a month now and as the stress releases, my body detox's and I begin to find some energy that was seemingly lost I have found myself in a strange place.
For the past week or so I've been feeling this strange void...not an emptiness exactly but like this big empty silent room that has been closed up for some time and is a bit dusty, empty.
There is this feeling like something used to be in this room...a feeling that can't quite be touched...something that was set aside but moved out while I was busy somewhere else.
So I went searching to find what was missing.
It was the second week of December 2012 when my Mother arrived for a 2 month visit, we had decided that with what we at the time suspected her condition to be, we should have her for a couple of months to see how things really were, we had no idea how bad it was, what to expect and had no real experience with Alzheimer's at the time.
My family and I were doing really well, having spent the past 13 years prier in abject poverty, never quite able to pull out, until about 4 months before my mom arrived...when all of our hard work the prier two years finally started paying off.
Business was looking good, only getting better...we were high on life and started to actually make plans for the future in a way we could not have before...it was a good time.
We had goals and direction and a belief that we were finally making it!
Mom's official diagnosis came two weeks after she arrived when the final results came in from her CAT Scan...over the phone I had a conference call with her Dr in Canada, my brother and sister in law were in his office and we got the bad news...She had Alzheimer's disease for sure with a frontal lobe deterioration along side it, and to boot she had had it for a good 5 years already.
We had no idea ... no concept what so ever what the next 19 months almost to the day would be like...and somewhere in those 19 months the void happened.
It was about 6 months into mom's stay when we started to look forward to getting back to our life...we would dream of it, we would mourn it not being in our now, we reached for it and allowed it to motivate us to make it through the next stage, get over the next hurtle.
A couple of days ago, after I figured out what the void was I asked my husband if he had a similar feeling...he said yes he felt it to.
In some very real ways it's like waking up from a never ending dream and discovering that what you thought would be there at the end of it isn't, and that in fact you have changed so much and so have the people around you that you can't even really remember what it was you thought would be there.
My husband gave a different look at it...he said it was like we had three pieces of wire, three types of energy that had come together and it was a wonderful and powerful dynamic, but over the course of caring for my mom, two of those wires unraveled and fell away and we were only able to carry one through.
The wires are long gone, so there is no going back to what it was, but now we are finding more wires to add, different ones to start again...only this time better.
Of course for me the wire and energy analogy is a good one, I'm a lighting expert and wires and energy are an intricate part of my life. :)
So here I am staring at this empty dusty room and discovering again, who I am, what I've become and what do I want to put into the room this time.
Still a little dusting to do, but now I'm feeling a little excited about it...maybe some new paint to spruce it up as well!
I'll post about how mom is in the next post...not enough room on this one now!