Over 10 years taking care of parent.

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I've been taking care of my mother for 10 years now since I was about age 16 and she started getting older.,I dropped out of highschool and got my ged and still taking care of her,she's 300 pounds and 63 years old,suffers from incontince due to butt surgery and she's absolutely frightened of outside world, she suffers from agoraphobia and hasn't been outside the house these last ten years unless it's with ambulance people . I love her to death and over the years I didn't mind taking care of her as with it I had a roof over my head,warmth,food, a somewhat stable life I run the house,pay bills,cook,clean,pick up her pills,dishes,laundry,everything . a therapist I visited once told me I had unhealthily codependency and I had a bout of very bad depression and so I tried to come up with hobbies to keep me going, bike riding,reading, spending lots of time online. About a year ago she threw her hip out and couldn't walk the distance to the bathroom anymore and thus had to start using a commode chair which I cleaned and would wipe her butt and change her diapers , again I didn't mind, it was depressing though and I felt burn out massively . Then not to long ago she developed cellulitis leg infection was admitted to a hospital and that infection turned into sepsis. She got better but sadly she came home to soon and thought she could do simple rehab at home. Once here though she discovered that she just didn't have the strength to stand at all, so now she sits on the couch with a bunch of underpads under her and when those pads get dirty I try to sorta tilt her and put new ones in, but I'm a 25 year old woman clocking in at a weight of 174 trying to move around 300 pounds by myself. I'm also now wiping her butt every single time she poos , I have her lean forward and I use baby wipes. It's so exhausting and my back hurts and i put icy hot on at night to sooo my joints. We had home healthcare services out here and since my mother can't stand they've declared her unsafe and won't come out anymore, I've been in contact with department of social services aging and they are looking for a nursing home place for her but they say because she's on Medicaid, is 300 pounds and incontinence, the available places are slim and right now there's nothing available and some places just flat out won't take her.i feel such a burnout, I know I'm depressed, I don't have anyone else to help with this , I'm all by myself and have no other family, I know we can't afford a caretaker program to come in because at her size she's going to need atleast two , i miss the days when she could stand, it was so much easier then, I cry at the drop of a hat these days and then we argue at the fact I'm crying when she's the one who can't get up. We nitpick and argue and then we cry and apologize to eachother. I got accepted into a college but I don't even know if I could dedicate any time to it with how she is now. I just needed a place to vent and whine and not feel so alone in this.

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You are not tied to this house! You make a choice everyday to stay and take care of her. Comb tact the health department and tell them that you have been caring for her for ten years and you will not give up the rest of your life. If your mom is on Medicaid, call the social security office and ask for a case manager to assist you in finding appropriate living arrangements. Give them a deadline. Tell them you are moving and can no longer care for her and she needs to be placed by a certain date. Do not give them an open ended situation because you will be left on the bottom of the pile. Let them know that you have tried to place her by yourself, but have not been able to. They have a little more power because they pay the bills for many people in the nursing homes. If she does go to the hospital before you get her plAced, immediately ask to see the discharge social worker. She is going to try to put you off and tell you that she needs to she what the reccomendAtions are and they will not know that u til she is ready to go. Tell her that going home is not an option. Many times they assume discharge back home. That will give her time to find a bed.
Do not feel guilty. Ask yourself, do you want to have a family of your own? Well your chosen one is not going to knock on the door, see this situation , and say,"wow, I want some of that!"
If you are concerned about housing, reapply for financial aid. If they know that you have no home to stay in, they most likely will provide for meals and dorm. Make a plan do not let time fritter by while your life is frittering by as well.you will not be able to have children no matter what age you are.taking a page from TV, an old soap opera, "like sand in an hour glass, these are the Days of Your Life".
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I posted a few days ago but I can't get you off my mind. I was a nurse before having to medically retire a few years ago. I've taken care of many patients the size of your mother. The reason I retired early is the condition of my back after 15 surgeries on various parts of it. I can still walk, but not without pain. I am 61 but often fear for what may come in my own future due to just not having any help turning and changing diapers of the obease patients I cared for. I did not have to do this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I can well understand the damage you are doing to your own body. Let's fast forward a year into your future. You are still taking care of your mom at home, but not without much damage to your own physical and mental health. She has become weaker making your job harder and you both are deeply depressed. She has pressure sores on her back and bottom just because she can't get off of it. They have become so deep that you can actually see bone there. She continues to go to the emergency room at times, but they seem to always send her home to your care just because you haven't spoken up loud enough to the right person. I know you love your mom and have much gratitude to her for being there for you as you grew up. You may have even promised her that you would always take care of her and never put her in a nursing home, but what if you had stood your ground and gotten her the real help she needed? She may have been healthier in that next year, able to walk and do some things for herself, even though she is in a nursing home. You are in college, have a life of your own, but go by and visit with her as much as you can. You and your mom's depression and physical health are being dealt with. You both have settled into the changes in your lives and are much happier. She may not live much longer in either of these instances, but you would not be carrying the guilt around with you knowing that there were professionals out there that could have taken care of your mom. She doesn't want to be the way she is and you don't want it for her, either. This situation is much bigger than anyone can handle on their own. Go right now to the emergency room by ambulance with her and as she is being checked, you tell everyone that is checking on her that you are not able to do this any longer. You don't have to do it in front of your mom. Ask to speak to them in private if you would feel better doing it that way. She may get mad at first and say some very mean things to you, but I would be willing to bet that somewhere down deep, she knows what has to be done. Your life is not going to be easy for the first few months, but I believe you have it within you to go get that college education and be happy. I did not start college until I was 32 and had 3 children. I am still married to the same man I married at 18, was the first person in my family to have a college degree and had lots of obstacles in my path to do so. I know you can do it. I am praying for you and will not forget about you. Please come back here and let us know how you and your mother are doing.
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Dear anonymous, this is your life. You are a giving and loving person but this is YOUR life. Read all the suggestions and make plans for yourself--good and positive plans. Seek to have hope again. You have given your mother your life and it is time for you to find yours. Get someone or an agency to take over. Find yourself and live the life you were supposed to have as a lovely young lady. This will not be easy -- it will be very hard but very very worth it. God bless you!
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Have you tried getting a Joerns Hoyer Lift? Medicare would probably purchase it for you. You can leave her in the cloth seat all the time, and even use it to lift her legs when you change her diaper. You are in full control of her food volume and content so you could help her lose weight without her knowing. The weight loss would help her get her walking back. You would probably have to go on it with her. Be sure to take a multi-vitamin/mineral You should go to college even if it is only one class at first. Nursing would be a good pick as you seem to have the gene for it.
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I am 60 years old and I would never would want my children give up their lives for me. I believe that your mother feels the same. Talk to her and I believe that she would tell you to move on with your life.

A lot of great suggestions have been provided in other comments.

Please be strong and take the steps that are needed so that both you and your mom can move forward into your "new" lives.

For her , it could mean moving to an assisted living facility, where she get the help and nutrition she needs. For you, it could be having a life going to college or just a life that only involves taking care of yourself.
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This post breaks my heart. I am praying for you to get whatever help you can in this situation. Because you loved your mom, you have dedicated 10 years of your life to caring for her. I can't imagine the different feelings you are going through. It's okay to vent and cry. I don't know how you do it. I am going through something similar to your situation. I am 39 and my husband is 63 years of age. He suffered a stroke two and a half years ago. Since then, I have been his sole caregiver. I was in nursing school for my nursing degree and couldn't finish. I worked full time from 3pm to 11pm. In the mornings, my time is dedicated to caring for him. Sometimes I feel like I can't do it anymore. I told him if he gets so sick to the point that I can't care for him anymore, he needs to go into a nursing home. In the last 3 months, I have made 4 hospital runs and it was stressful on me. I have lost weight, gotten too many gray hairs to count and physically I am drained. I go into my room and cry because I feel all alone. I am angry and I feel like I am missing out on life. I want to go back to school. Sometimes I think he takes advantage of me because the little things he can do, he calls on me to do. He is paralyzed on one side of his body, can't speak and uses a walker. My husband used to pick me up from work because I couldn't drive and was I fearful of driving. While he was in the hospital, I made the decision to get a few lessons and took my driving test which I passed, and because I thought I was superwoman. Within 2 months I wrecked the front of my car and hit another vehicle. Thankfully no one got hurt. I had to step back and slow down. My driving has been great since then. Thats was during the time I was taking him to his therapies, rushing home to make sure he was ok then rushing to work. I could have killed myself or others. Sometimes we do it out of love for our love ones, but we also need to step back and take care of ourselves. At the beginning of this year, I made it a mission to take care of me. I had my physical done and even had eye surgery. Last July, I went home to my country and spent my birthday with my family and I left him in an assisted living facility. I felt guilty leaving him but I had to take a break. Caregiving is not an easy job. Do what's best for you. Seek help for your mom so she can be where she needs to be and get the medical care she needs. Hope everything works out for you. I will keep you in my prayers.
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You had your childhood taken away from you. You missed going to school and graduating with your class. It is a terrible burden to put on a child. I had sick siblings growing up. There was a lot of guilt put on me to help take care of them. People do not think of children when they talk about caregiving. Praying you can find the help that you need.


The Overlooked Caregivers No One Ever Talks About

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-no-one-ever-talks-about-165631.htm
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Another thing, I do understand that your heart is breaking wide open. You love your Mom and you have been doing this for so long. Things will work out and you will have a happy life. Consider all of us to be your posse!
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I'm not going to judge your weight....everyone has a different weight at which to be healthy. 174 is not huge, by any means, but you do have the genetics staring you in the face. If you can live your own life, you can take care of yourself and learn to love yourself..whatever weight you are. You have enough to worry about right now with your mom to be worried about your weight. One thing at a time.
I agree with simply calling an ambulance for something--breathing issues was mentioned. Get mom in "the system" and let the case workers see her. ASK for a home visit. Turn yourself into APS. Whatever it takes to get attention.

DO NOT turn your life into one caring for your mother. I am 60, and the thought that one of my girls would have given up college, dating, travel for me makes me stomach turn. I will put MYSELF in a facility before I'd do that to any of my kids. You mother could well live for 20+ more years. Please, please get counseling and check back in. Your story has haunted me all day.
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At this point, I don't think pointing out OPs weight is of any help to the immediate situation. When you are so buried in a situation this is useless advice. Well intended maybe, but of no immediate value.

I agree that based on the information you shared, your mom requires professional assistance - not because you've failed in any way - but because it is beyond the scope of what any one person can possibly do. It's clear your heart is in the right place, but you have to separate yourself from this role because there are too many risks to your own well being. Think about it...Have you not grown into a woman who's identity is entirely defined by caregiving? You're too young and have far too much untapped potential to be sentenced to a life of martyrdom. Imagine your peace of mind knowing that your mom is well cared for by a staff of providers, the feeling of a very heavy burden being lifted and letting go of any guilt you may battle because couldn't do it by yourself. There are so many issues that need to be sorted through and all your well-intended caregiving in the world isn't going to treat things that require professional attention. As a caregiving daughter, I personally would harbor serious resentment toward my mom - whether I showed it or not. How unfair that your mom has been complicit in your slogging through life for her personal benefit. Next time there's any question whether or not your mom requires a trip to the E.R., have a solid plan for yourself in place. Do NOT let anyone talk you into her being discharged home. Be strong, be firm and stand your ground - with discharge staff and your mom. Brace yourself for the guilt trip that may be laid on you. You have to extricate yourself and get your life on track. I wish for you the strength to see this is not your purpose and find comfort in knowing you're saving both you and your mom..
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