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Sent her an email over ten days ago and she hasnt responded to anyone. She has never been good to my mum and a bit of a drama queen mum loves you more? Shes a born again christian BUT doesnt even react over her own mums decline?
I am getting palpatations thinking about this and the anger I feel is not nice. How do you move on from this OR worse face her when the time comes?
My bro is bombarding her with emails about dementia WHY? i wouldnt bother.
She was told the situation and hasnt even the decency to respond.
She was never really involved with mum as she was too selfish BUT my mum deserves better than this she helped us ALL out and we owe it to her to be there for her now.
Im in shock as shes selfish but this is just unbelievable im ashamed to even be her sister.
How do you move on and ignore this behaviour? Am I very naive to think that anyone could be this heartless?

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Kazzaa, I'm sorry your sister isn't responding. I understand that this is very distressing for you. This IS the place to come vent when you feel like you're losing your mind. I'm about to be a little hard on you, though.

You aren't really surprised at your sister's behavior, are you? You thought this time would be different, because it's so major, but she hasn't been there in the past.

You have a lot of reasons to be angry at her, but really, what difference does her behavior make to you? She is never going to help you, so this is nothing new. Does she ever call her mother? Will your mother miss her if she stops calling? If so, that's your mother's problem, not yours.

I doubt if she is really heartless. We have no proof either way, but I assume she is suffering over the diagnosis, too. If she weren't, why not just make a duty call and pretend to care? Something is stopping her.

If she is just a drama queen, why let her pull your strings? Your brother wants to talk to her. Let him do so, and let her be his problem.

Try to calm yourself down. Can you write her a letter telling her how useless she is, then destroy the letter and do some deep breathing exercises? You love walking, don't you? If you can believe that you don't have to think about her, you can think about her less. You deserve serenity, and you can find little pieces of it, and calm those palpitations!

This'll piss her off. Tell her you're praying for her!!!! Best wishes to you.
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No you are not naive. Many of us here have experience awful, horrendous acts of betrayal from family regarding the care and well being of a parent. I know from experience that just take one day at a time and concentrate on you and ignore her. She is ignoring you. Forget about her...you need all your energy now to take care of yourself too you know. I wish you good luck with this...I know sisters mmmmmmm......some are better than others. I Never ever thought my sister would turn on me and my family over inheritance and lies that a 91 year old mother chose to tell just because....just because she really was bored and always enjoyed stirring up trouble. stay strong.
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Thanks guys I guess i am not really shocked just so sad for my mum to be disregarded like this. My sister is a very talented artist I remember my mum coming back from a trip with THE BEST PAINT EVER when we were kids my dad said dont encourage her with that "arty farty stuff" my mum indulged her as she could see she was talented my mum deserves the best from us all right now I hate her BUT she will have to live on with the guilt and that wont be nice.
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Jinx! I think i will piss her off even more with a text " I forgive you" LOL
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Our siblings are who they are. I had one brother come in to visit from TX. He and his wife had dinner with us, then left. On their way home, they stopped by to see my mother for a few minutes, then were gone again. It is what they always do. It disappoints me, but I remind myself that it is who my brother is.

The other brother lives close. Sometimes he calls. Once or twice a year he visits. He is very involved in family, church, and work, so doesn't have time or inclination to spend more time with her. It is who he is and I don't expect more.

I'm here all the time, but you know who her favorite kids are? My brothers. Personally I know I am her only family. One brother will show up when she is in the hospital. The other will show up for her funeral. I don't blame them, because we are not a close family. My mother and father never reached out to them, so it isn't surprising that they are not reaching back.
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Why didn't you phone your sister, initially? I would certainly call her now.
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kazzaa, I think you need your emotional energy right now to focus on your mother's care, and on your role in her life. The only person whose behavior you can control is the one who looks back at you from the mirror (and even that is iffy some days!)

Try very hard to simply let your sister's behavior go, to let it be her responsibility. Your mother may not deserve that treatment from your sister, but, you know what? Your mother doesn't deserve the disease she has, either. It is very frustrating and heartbreaking to accept that we cannot make life fair for someone we love. We cannot cure their disease. We cannot control the behavior of everyone else in their lives. Focus on what you can do, and let go of what you can't.

Don't waste precious psychic energy on figuring out how to piss off your sister. It is just not worth it in the overall big picture.
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I have a sis that does the exact thing yours does. She was the one mom favored because of a passion for anything "the arts", coddled her, spoiled her rotten, turned her into a very selfish, self centered human being. That sis is a professional counselor now, never even calls mom, will not respond to me whether it is mom progression, request for few hours of her time, nothing.

I do not waste my time or energy with her BS and non-caring any longer, it isn't worth it. She is the one missing out and will be the one sobbing at the end, and will blame her cavalier attitude on me. She would rather mom were in a facility.
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Kazza~I am sorry your sister does not respond. I also have a brother who is the same. When I told him our mother was diagnosed with dementia, he sent an email back saying..."This doesn't give us much hope for our futures." Dad also had Alzheimer's. Then when I sent him an email telling him mom was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated and we would be placing her in assisted living...he responded, "I don't envy you having to tell her you are placing her." He never asks how she is doing. In 2002, when his only son was killed in a head on collision, he didn't notify us until the day of the funeral....gee, that made it easy so none of us could go!! I detached from my brother and do not notify him any longer. If my sister or brother want to, then that is up to them. I won't do it.Consider your sister an distant relative and practice detaching emotionally from her.

I agree with Jeanne, use your energy to be there for your mother and to take care of yourself. God Bless you!!
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Are you 1000% certain she got your e-mail?
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Sharyn-
It is absolutely astounding to me what siblings will say. That your brother said "This doesn't give us much hope for our futures", sounds like he is concerned what will be left for him since mom will have care expenses. My sibs actually said "mom worked hard to save for her retirement, hoping she wouldn't have to spend it so there is something left for her girls", two sibs, that have done practically nothing to help.
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I am in the minority, or are these conversations that must be made face to face or through a phone call? I would be so mad, if my sister sent me initial info about our Mother's health, in an e-mail. I am afraid that my response, would be short and quick, too. It is e-mail.
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E-mail is very helpful, and documentation is needed many times since some of these siblings will claim they were not kept in the loop. Additionally, how many times would phone calls be necessary, one for each of 2, 3, or 4 siblings would be time consuming. And when relationships are strained, e-mail is a much less stressful way of communicating. Many of us are questioned whether we are making the right decisions, and they are needed immediately, not enough time for a democratic vote. Sorry, Chicago, this is just not possible in many of the caregivers because of strained relationships.
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When my mom was dying, my dad and I did her caregiving. I love(d) my mom, but we were never particularly close .. that bond belonged to my sister. Dear sis could barely stand more than a few minutes being around mom, at her worst. It tore her apart. I just had to accept it. Maybe your sister is reeling from the realization that her mother is not her mom, much, anymore, and it's a sign that she'll lose her, sooner rather than later. We all deal with this crap the best we know how. If you can, just send her oodles of loving energy and let it go. I'm one of those who believe that what we put out there, we get back multiplied. The last thing I really want is anger and angst coming back at me, so I do my best (not always successful, but I really work hard to think and act this way) to put out good energy. For me, it's a waste of energy being angry and hurt .. at least for too long. I also think it's important to acknowledge our hurts and anger, but clinging to it only hurts me in the long run.

Blessings, and I hope things resolve soon!
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I realize how busy and overwhelmed care givers are. I'm in the minority with Chicago. E-mails are not a great way to deliver bad news. Would you e-mail a sibling that your parent has died? Receiving an e-mail that my mother has cancer or dementia would impact me almost as much as an e-mail informing me she had died.

My opinion - new diagnoses (dementia, cancer, heart failure, broken hips to name a few) are important enough to take the time to make the calls. Making few notes ahead of the calls and following those during the calls would help standardize the information each call contains. An e-mail to everyone after the calls, recapping what was covered in the calls, can document the information and serve as a reference to the siblings as it is difficult to take in everything when the news is bad. Phone calls also allow your siblings to hear the stress and distress in your voice and hopefully respond appropriately. E-mails do not convey emotion well at all. Once the bad news is delivered, I'm all for e-mail updates on the parent's condition. It saves time, everyone gets the same message and the e-mail clearly documents what you have told them.

I also think LadeeC makes excellent points about anger being a waste of time and energy. And what you put out there comes back multiplied. Blessings to all of you, because we all need blessings.
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Jeanne is probably right that we shouldn't think about how to piss off "born-again" sis. But it's fun and way too easy. Bad for our immortal souls, but fun and funny. LOL
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It took me years to realize that some people just don't care very much about their parents. They may care a little, but not much. "Actions speak louder than words" and if a sibling is not there for their folks, they don't want to be. You sound great, and I think you can find a lot of similar stories on this site.
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Count your blessings and let them go out of your life. I wish mine would fall off the face of the earth. They become nothing but pains in the arses and pretend they will help in the beginning, but they won't. Not to insult anyone but from what I see, the majority of church and medical field people dont even take care of their own parents and I have to wonder where they think thats ok!?! Its always one child who will give up anything to care for their parent, no matter what. Don't feel bad, it gets worse as time goes on with siblings and if you are DPOA, make ourself out a caregiver contract now and take over. Someone has to step up to the plate for your Mom, and its going to be you. You can be sure when your Mom passes that they will be there quick with their hands out!
Its a long journey, I am on year 6 now and hanging in there. Good Luck, try not to stress, just take good care of Mom.
RR
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Just to explain: my sister changed her mobile phone so the only way we could contact her was by email?
She was well aware that my mum was being tested as my other sis told her she was having a brain scan? she never even contacted anyone to find out results?
I guess I just cant be that selfcentred and find it difficult to understand her mum was good to her and us all also I don't think it matters if parents just didn't get on that we abandon them of course if there was abuse something then that's understandable my friend has never got on with her mum and now is looking after her 24/7 because she loves her and wants to do whats right!
I personally think oh well we didn't get on is a cop out. My dad wasn't much of a dad "we didn't get on" but I would still be concerned about his health.
Anywhoo ive let it go its her problem she will have to live with herself thanks for the advice and the sad sibling stories and I thought my family were pretty bad!!LOL
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I think your sister & mine could be sisters, Kazaa! Same behavior, same treatment of our mothers. My mom passed at the end of august - 3 days after my sister FINALLY decided to make an appearance and visit her. Guess what she said at the funeral? "At least she hung on until I could see her one last time"... omg...I was LIVID!!! She didn't see my mother for OVER A YEAR, and then says THAT? Deep down, she knows she wasn't here for her when she should've been, and eventually that will sink in ( I hope) - until then, I know that I was here for our mother, through the good and the bad, and I don't feel guilty...bet she can't say the same.
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Chicago~You need to know that my brother moved from California to Montana in 1977. The only communication we have received regarding him has been through his wife.He has never called any of us. He feels we did not keep in touch with him. He wants to hold a grudge against us, I never knew this brother to begin with because of the age difference between us. I tried to connect with him in 2010 and he blew me off.That is why I sent an email to him...it was safer for me...I had to protect myself. I decided that it was best I not pursue a relationship with him because my brother's wife's brother attempted to molest me when I was 14. My parents used that info to hurt my brother and his wife some years later. My brother has a good relationship with his brother in law. Go figure...

Gladimhere~I think my brother has personality disorder like my mother. He seems to hold grudges, doesn't think he needs to anything on his end to develop or keep a relationship with us but we should be doing our part on our end of it. I think my brother has a lot of guilt that he carries because my sister called him to get his SS# for a beneficiary designation on my mom's accounts. This was after I had tried to connect with him in 2010...I told my brother then that I don't know you because of the age difference between us...to me you were another adult living in the house. When he talked with my sister about 8 months ago, he told my sister that he does not know me!! He took no interest in me. My other brother is 11 months younger that My eldest brother, but yet we have great memories together. It is not the age difference, it is the personality and mentality of my eldest brother. He will need to justify to himself why he doesn't keep in touch with his brother who is 11 months younger and his sister who is 3 years younger. As for me, I am 8 years younger that he. I have detached and seldom think about him. I can't see much else I can do.
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Too right sushi. I want to live my life with no regrets or guilt when my time comes I want to die happy knowing that i lived my life hopefully made a difference somewhere to someone helped who I could and had some great friends and LOVERS of course! x
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Yes, I agree with sonswife. Maybe she didn't get the email. Why don't you call her or send a registered, return receipt requested letter. If not go to her house and talk to her. Maybe she isn't being as heartless as it seems. Could be a dozen reasons that she has not responded. Look for the good and be optimistic.
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One good thing would be, with the others out of communication, would be, that you can do what you want and what needs to be done.
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If possible ask the MD to send your sister a copy of the diagnosis and be sure the HIPPAA form is signed by your mother so he can talk to sis. She may be in denial or feels too far away to help.
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I guess it's possible she didn't receive your emails, but even if that were true shouldn't she have contacted you to find out how your mum is?

I have a different take on what is wrong with your sister. I don't think she can handle your mum's declining health and so she distances herself from the relationship and situation. Not all people are emotionally strong and many people who claim to be Christians are scared about death and dying so they have to believe in afterlife.. this is just my opinion and I thought I would share it with you.
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Yup, same thing here. One brother and one sister, neither one care about their Mom at all. Mom just had eye surgery, not a phone call nothing. The surgery has really taken a toll on my, I slept lots this weekend but I'm still tired. By Friday, I crawl into the house, collapse on the couch and sleep for 2 or 3 hrs. Believe me dear, this is a very tough job, and wasting energy being angry is not going to help. One thing that I've been telling myself is this: I do All things to Serve the Lord. Right now that is the only thing keeping me going. Church, Bible Study, Christian Radio/TV really help me too. There are so many of us in this same situation, and has been a problem in our society for a very long time, generations of siblings not caring for their parents. Hang in there my friend, your Mom needs you!
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You are right there I had 2 nigerian carers they couldnt understand why FAMILY dont look after their parents like in thier country??

Also I think in asia its a done deal parents get old they move in with family its the way it used to be here but times have changed and not for the better. I suppose its easier when all family are living locally then they can all help but when they dont it always falls on one! Im not angry at my sister I will forgive her one day BUT just so sad for mum she deserves some respect. I see so many daughters here on this site who were abused by thier mums and treated badly BUT they are the ones there caring no matter what to me that takes great courage so what does that say of my sister?
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Life expectancy in Nigeria is 51.8 years. Most people there don't have to take care of elders at all. Japan has the opposite problem - long lives and low birth rates. More and more elderly Japanese find themselves with no one available to care for them.
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My brother refused to accept the news that our mom's dementia was worsening. He was never interested in the results of her doctor visits or medical tests. Became especially irate when I asked for his help convincing her to give up driving. During his rare visits he was too busy talking about himself to notice much how distracted she has become. When I took her to a gathering at his home this past summer it was obvious she could not be oriented to where she was or to many people there. Dear brother's response? The next day he phoned and angrily quizzed her about the previous days event. (One can hear him bellowing from across the room). She could barely recall even being there. He shouted the crudest insult at her and hung up on her! Then he immediately sent me a text informing me he was reporting me for neglect. Apparently I must not be taking good care of her if she has become so forgetful. Never heard any more about that nor has he visited since. He calls mom occasionally. Sometimes she doesn't know to answer her cell phone. He will leave a scathing voice mail demanding that she return his call and a text message to me threatening to send the police. I'll help mom call him back if she wants to talk to him but otherwise I just ignore him. I have learned from him and most other family that people will go to great lengths to avoid being involved with care of an elder parent.
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