Onlyoneholly's 2017 comment prompted me to add that some facilities look wonderful and luxurious on the outside, but the residents' rooms look more like old dormitory rooms, sometimes without enough space for family members to visit, and are maintained about as well as the lowest level of motels.
Boy does this hit the nail on the head! Not to mention all of the time taken up that you can never get back... Not a complaint to help, but when do I get to put MY family first without the guilt???
Endless paperwork to get things settled in nursing home, which takes away from work - more vacation time has to be used.... Dealing with lawyers to make sure everything is legit, plus the parent that "hates" where they are & can't believe I "did" this to them...
I just realized that I've posted on this article before. It's several years later and my caregiving task for a parent has not eased. I'm that much older, more drained, and have seen the nation's healthcare quality/quantity decrease. If it's there, it's buried in "red tape."
I've been searching for a nursing home placement for my parent because the cost of Home Aides has increased to the breaking point of affordability. My parent has done private pay all these years with the help of Long-Term Health Care insurance. Advice is always the same -- "spend her down to Medicaid" and see what she may qualify for. Why? Why is nursing home care so expensive? Why are there are not enough facilities and long waiting lists? This is something the government needs to put as a priority. The Gov't responds when there is an outcry for "more schools to ease overcrowded classrooms."
My parent is in Kentucky and does not want to live in the state I live in. Suggestions to fight out Guardianship in court and move her forceably are not worthwhile.
If someone out there who reads these articles and can relay to legislators, please do. On my last trip to her town I was able to tour and do preliminary request for regular nursing home wait list. I saw 2 more senior care communities being built. The problem is that they are too fancy, too overpriced for 75% of the population who need them. The focus is on the Independent Living spectrum of elder care. Fancy dining rooms, putting greens, gardens, gyms, party rooms, ect. The crisis need is for those who require a bed, safe supervision, and a simple meal each day. Need large facilities with many simple bed arrangements. Based on what I read from my sandwich-gen peers, their elder is beyond needing the fancy -- they need the safe and readily available option.
WHO is supposed to step in and take over while we self-care? Clipping toenails is a real luxury sometimes. I would go back to the days of colicky infants in the house over this.
America needs to pull it's head out of its rear vent and admit that caregivers are just ---what's the polite word for it? Left out hanging is a nicer way of saying it.
The caregiver dilemma is only getting worse due to the Boomer Bubble, but the problem has always been there.
It's not real until somebody has to live through it. Family can be the most insensitive and callous of all. Everybody on the outside of caregiving just assumes there's some magic elf who will provide funds, assistance, and relief if you just believe hard enough. They assume it just falls onto our heads by some mythical government program.
It also doesn't help there is a contingent who believe caregivers just need to buck up, dig deeper within themselves, and find that rugged individual who can survive any hardship, weather any catastrophe. They are full of sanctimonious finger wagging when somebody can't take it anymore. You just clearly don't believe in yourself enough.
Caregivers are human beings with needs, frailties, and so very many obligations and there isn't some great Blue Fairy coming or Good Witch or Reality TV program coming to save us.
As a society, we prevent common sense measures from going into place because we are paralyzed with fright that one person might cheat off it, so everybody has to go without. By common sense measuures, I mean paid time off work, flexible work arrangements, monetary aid, access to facilities and quality services, extended quality child care, tax credits for caregivers, etc.
Yeah, make sure you put aside an hour or two in that 36 hour day to self-care.
Excellent article - I am in the same situtation as the Mills' family. Our family also realized that keeping Mom at home was not the best situtation for her or us and that while she is having a tough time at first adjusting to her new home, we know in the long run it is the best move. The biggest hurdle our family has faced is the financial challenge - if you are not rich, you don't get the benefit of several aids and services that some seniors and families can get. I would like to see this area of health not be a for-profit business but a for-people business.
Great article! I am a true believer that the good Lord never gives us more than we can handle. If God leads us to it...he shall get us through it. For Five years, I was a caregiver, POA and legal guardian for a dear aunt who lived out of state. I personally appreciate, know and understand the stress and angst that caregivers can encounter..dealing with emergency situations, booking spur of the moment flight reservations with an "open " return, and navigating the medical /assisted living highway. Yet, through this unpredictable period of caring for my aunt, I felt truly blessed that I could be there for her...as her voice, her confidant and niece. I regret nothing and know that there are truly silver linings in every situation...an array of blessings that I still cherish to this day. Remain positive and know that all will be well. You are stronger than you can ever imagine!
"Melanie" -- I sure do understand. Call or get on email with Aging Services in your parent's area ASAP. Like I'd mentioned, it can take time because resources are limited. You didn't mention her age, but if she is bedridden, then that should be a qualifier for something. Does she have an established physician? If not, tell Aging Services this and ask for advice. Your parent's care should not be your all-encompassing responsibility. You're a mom and that comes first. Understanding spouses are a blessing for us, and let your spouse know you appreciate their understanding.
Back to main topic -- yes, there are so many of us out there, more than in any other generation that I ever seen. Medical advances have prolonged lives. I cannot understand why the medical and social specialists haven't realized that we are crushed under the burden of care because it is expected. We are spending our own time, monies, and health to care for elder family members who often will not compromise like the compromise we can get from our children because we have say-so for them.
This may be abrupt in thought, but you said that your parent is bedridden. You form a plan that will work for you, how much time you can manage, and stick to it (eg: 1 hour a day with the rest being some other resource). If this isn't enough then she has to go to a living arrangement where she may have to give up pets. Hugs to you and be the best mom you can be first!!
I am in the same situation. It would be easier for me if mom could live with me but she has 5 cats inside and 5 more outside that she refuses to leave. (I know, crazy cat lady!) we have a large dog and are all allergic to cats so having the cats here is out of the question. She is bedridden and unable to do much for her self. So I am forced to care for her in her home. she won't even consider an assisted living situation because of the cats and she doesn't want a "stranger" to care for her or even come into her house. I have 3 children and my husband works 14-16 hours every day. I feel very torn about leaving my children and not being there to be their mom! It's eating me up inside because I no longer feel like a good mom. It's not fair to be put in this situation but as they say, nobody said life is fair! Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get mom to see reason. There is only one of me and I can't be in both places at one time and yet it's a matter of my mom's safety that forces me to always put her first.
Yes, we need a lot more Geriatric specialists in the coming decade and will need more for at least 25 years. There is a trend in population age-shift to more elders than minors. The focus on care services needs to shift accordingly. I have found that there are not enough Geriatric Care specialists and those who are in practice are not spread evenly across the nation.
I've taken care of a parent all through my adult years, through rearing 2 children (one who has special needs), through moves with the military, and it is exhausting. The internet has helped sometimes. I can get/do info more quickly, but I also now deal with "leave a message/email and we'll get in touch with you soon." Soon could be days and the crisis is happening then. Bring back live people to talk with in aging services agencies!! Increase their numbers and resources! Make aging services the fundraiser/volunteer need now. We have enough playgrounds. We need adult day care -- we need it in neighborhoods and we need home service increased. This is more than just about the elder -- it will free up the working age-family members trying to juggle job and elder care. Often family members lose the job -- I know.
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The Sandwich Generation Faces Increasing Levels of Caregiver Burden
Endless paperwork to get things settled in nursing home, which takes away from work - more vacation time has to be used.... Dealing with lawyers to make sure everything is legit, plus the parent that "hates" where they are & can't believe I "did" this to them...
Exhausting....
I've been searching for a nursing home placement for my parent because the cost of Home Aides has increased to the breaking point of affordability. My parent has done private pay all these years with the help of Long-Term Health Care insurance. Advice is always the same -- "spend her down to Medicaid" and see what she may qualify for. Why? Why is nursing home care so expensive? Why are there are not enough facilities and long waiting lists? This is something the government needs to put as a priority. The Gov't responds when there is an outcry for "more schools to ease overcrowded classrooms."
My parent is in Kentucky and does not want to live in the state I live in. Suggestions to fight out Guardianship in court and move her forceably are not worthwhile.
If someone out there who reads these articles and can relay to legislators, please do. On my last trip to her town I was able to tour and do preliminary request for regular nursing home wait list. I saw 2 more senior care communities being built. The problem is that they are too fancy, too overpriced for 75% of the population who need them. The focus is on the Independent Living spectrum of elder care. Fancy dining rooms, putting greens, gardens, gyms, party rooms, ect. The crisis need is for those who require a bed, safe supervision, and a simple meal each day. Need large facilities with many simple bed arrangements. Based on what I read from my sandwich-gen peers, their elder is beyond needing the fancy -- they need the safe and readily available option.
America needs to pull it's head out of its rear vent and admit that caregivers are just ---what's the polite word for it? Left out hanging is a nicer way of saying it.
The caregiver dilemma is only getting worse due to the Boomer Bubble, but the problem has always been there.
It's not real until somebody has to live through it. Family can be the most insensitive and callous of all. Everybody on the outside of caregiving just assumes there's some magic elf who will provide funds, assistance, and relief if you just believe hard enough. They assume it just falls onto our heads by some mythical government program.
It also doesn't help there is a contingent who believe caregivers just need to buck up, dig deeper within themselves, and find that rugged individual who can survive any hardship, weather any catastrophe. They are full of sanctimonious finger wagging when somebody can't take it anymore. You just clearly don't believe in yourself enough.
Caregivers are human beings with needs, frailties, and so very many obligations and there isn't some great Blue Fairy coming or Good Witch or Reality TV program coming to save us.
As a society, we prevent common sense measures from going into place because we are paralyzed with fright that one person might cheat off it, so everybody has to go without. By common sense measuures, I mean paid time off work, flexible work arrangements, monetary aid, access to facilities and quality services, extended quality child care, tax credits for caregivers, etc.
Yeah, make sure you put aside an hour or two in that 36 hour day to self-care.
The biggest hurdle our family has faced is the financial challenge - if you are not rich, you don't get the benefit of several aids and services that some seniors and families can get. I would like to see this area of health not be a for-profit business but a for-people business.
Back to main topic -- yes, there are so many of us out there, more than in any other generation that I ever seen. Medical advances have prolonged lives. I cannot understand why the medical and social specialists haven't realized that we are crushed under the burden of care because it is expected. We are spending our own time, monies, and health to care for elder family members who often will not compromise like the compromise we can get from our children because we have say-so for them.
This may be abrupt in thought, but you said that your parent is bedridden. You form a plan that will work for you, how much time you can manage, and stick to it (eg: 1 hour a day with the rest being some other resource). If this isn't enough then she has to go to a living arrangement where she may have to give up pets. Hugs to you and be the best mom you can be first!!
Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get mom to see reason. There is only one of me and I can't be in both places at one time and yet it's a matter of my mom's safety that forces me to always put her first.
I've taken care of a parent all through my adult years, through rearing 2 children (one who has special needs), through moves with the military, and it is exhausting. The internet has helped sometimes. I can get/do info more quickly, but I also now deal with "leave a message/email and we'll get in touch with you soon." Soon could be days and the crisis is happening then. Bring back live people to talk with in aging services agencies!! Increase their numbers and resources! Make aging services the fundraiser/volunteer need now. We have enough playgrounds. We need adult day care -- we need it in neighborhoods and we need home service increased. This is more than just about the elder -- it will free up the working age-family members trying to juggle job and elder care. Often family members lose the job -- I know.