A sense of time is hard to keep when your memory goes as well, as your life's rhythym. It's jobs, kids and activities that keep us aware of time. When a person no longer has these responsibilities, hours bleed together and days and weeks do the same. It's natural that your grandmother is having these problems.

Your Mom could definitely consider a support group. I agree with Anne that it sounds like your grandmother is ready for a nursing home environment rather than assisted living. Your mother is having to do too much, and it will undermine her health. Please encourage her to look into both.

Carol

Yes, dear. Mom and Grandmother both need more help. Grandmom is only going to get worse, and your Mom is tired. Mom needs more than a support group, and Grandmother needs more care, to relieve your Mom. Sounds like Grandmother needs a place where her nurse comes to get her for every meal. And Mom needs an award for devotion, but also some rest. What can you do to help? Is there someone closer to help? Is there some reason why Grandmother cannot go to a nursing facility? My husband's dad was in an ALF, and he got confused about the time of day. He'd wake up, and didn't know if it was day or night. He was hallucinating, too. We finally moved him to a nursing home, and the ALF's request, because he had other difficulties too. He is doing much better, now. It is my firm belief, Dad was too isolated in an apartment alone. Don't be afraid of a Nursing Facility. There's wonderful ones out there, and they can be a Godsend for Grandmother and Mom and you. Dad has even thanked us. Take care.

My 73 yr. old mother is caring for my 93 yr. old grandmother. They live in another state and I am trying to be as long distance supportive as possible. Grandma is in an assisted living, but my mom spends every day with her. The main concern recently is Grandma's confusion over the time of day. She will call my mom at all hours of the night wondering what time it is and what she should be doing. Mom has to call her in the morning to tell her to go downstairs for breakfast and again in the evening to go for dinner (They eat lunch together.) My grandmother seems to be totally dependent on my mother and of course mom is burning out. Has anyone had a similar experience and have any suggestions? I wish my mom would consider a support group. Please pass on any advice. Thanks!

FYI! Newport, Oregon
New support group for caregivers starting 1/21/09 at Samaritan Pacific Communties Hospital at noon.

I plan on attending this first meeting because i really recognize I need to meet others, chat and keep my sanity with all my daily responsibilities.

If any of you live on the Central Oregon coast, this is a great chance for us to come together and help each other " hang in there"?

You may wish to contact your local hospitals and ask to speak with a social worker and who knows, a group might get started near you?

I hope this helps someone, somewhere like me?

Strangers turn into friends quickly when you are in a good support group and you all share a similar issue. That's what makes this site tick, and it also works in person. Occasionally, a person will go to a group (in person or online) and it's not right for them. Then it's time to move on to another, not let the concept go. Personalities make a difference even in groups where they try to not let that be an issue. But the shared problems can bring closeness quickly, even with people we wouldn't choose as friends, otherwise.
Carol

Bamaellie,

Thanks for your comment. I know that it is true, that the anger and resentfulness hurts me.

I've found a couple of books that are helping. One is: Children of the Self-Absorbed

Janet, mom has always known how to "push my buttons" and things weren't well with our family growing up. I had found myself feeling angry and resentful. I am working with my counselor so I can learn how don't to react to mom's behavior and to learn how not to let mom "push my buttons". I do know that anger and resentfulness doesn't hurt anyone, but ourselves. I thought I had worked through all that before. That's another thing I need to work also. Hang in there Janet!

Poppop, I have been in support groups before and like strangers make it easier to open up to. I have realized that I need a support group during this time of my life caring for mom.

This site has been so helpful for me, reading other's situations and different advises on different subjects. Thanks to everyone!

.....JANET wrote:I have never liked my Mom but now I'm finding it even harder. I told her that she needed to take care of herself (Dr. or something, how about her husband??). She then said, why don't you take care of me?? Pretty amazing. She never took care of me....!
The facts are the facts here there's no dementia involved. Janet your mom may need help from another family member or an outsider. You also may need to resolve your issues with your mother. If not for her sake, for your own well being. I realize you can forget but you can learn to forgive and do what you can for your mom at a distance. My best to you.
Respectfully

Thank you both, for your comments. It helps so much to know that others are dealing with the stresses and what has been disappointment for me seeing this happen. I have to admit that my Mom has never been the "brightest bulb" in the box, so I don't know if that makes the condition even worse. As I mentioned earlier, she has always been somewhat irrational and emotionally unstable. My Mom never has had a good grip on reality, so I've often wondered if this is more of a predisposition to the condition.

I've always wanted me Mom to be stronger for me, but this has really brought it home that she never will be (and never was). Thank you so much.

Please accept my best wishes and comfort concerning your own parent's conditions. Janet

Antidepressants can help many with dementia. The problem is, not all people react the same way to each antidepressant. So it's trial and error as to which is best. Some can make people worse (even those without dementia). So, it can get complicated. But many doctors think antidepressants work. They take time. One can hope, but watch her, and if she is worse, ask them to try a different one.

Carol

Thanks for your comment Carol.

I forgot to add that my Mom's Hematologist started her on Zoloft last week for anxiety and high blood pressure. Does anyone know if Zoloft helps with dementia or exacerbates it?

Thank you for the comment. I think that is exactly what is going on with my Mom. Her younger sister, by 5 years has just been admitted to a nursing home with a diagnosis of dementia and her Mom was diagnosed with it at an even earlier age (by over 10 years), than my Mom. Her husband (my step Dad) has been showing signs of it as well. I feel like if I'm exposed to my Mom too much that she starts projecting and kind lashing out at me with her frustration, fear and anger at what's going on with her. She has always been emotionally irresponsible and illogical, but this type of display is becoming more prevalent with her. I've had to really get a grip on myself and what is going on as I am the only daughter and my brother is not much help. Even so, I need to distance myself from my Mom, and especially, emotionally. Are your parents both at home or in assisted living of some kind??

Wow, Janet, that's really too bad. It does sound like dementia may be part of this - the part that's making it worse. Dementia seldom improves one's personality (though occasionally you hear of someone getting sweet and docile). But your mother may just be pulling out all the stops because any sense of filtering her emotions she ever did have is melting away.

Having her checked by a specialist would be a good start - if she'll let you. Maybe you can get her in to have "her medications checked" or something. Often, someone with that personality will balk at being taken in for anything emotional.

Good luck with this and please keep coming back. There are good people here who have been through a lot. Just writing out your feelings and knowing they are read by such people is helpful.

Carol

My Mom had an emotional "meltdown" just before Christmas. It was so uncomfortable, irrational and inappropriate. My Mom has always put her emotions, needs and upsets in front of everyone else's needs. As she ages, she seems to get worse.

It was devestating for me to have to go through her "neediness" during what was should have been a really great evening with my son who had just come in from Munich for a visit. My son was amazed as well and my Mom never even apologized or acknowledged how incredibly uncomfortable she had made everyone in the room, with her demands that they make her feel better about her memory loss.

I have never liked my Mom but now I'm finding it even harder. I told her that she needed to take care of herself (Dr. or something, how about her husband??). She then said, why don't you take care of me?? Pretty amazing. She never took care of me....!

I would really appreciate a support group of some kind. Anyone with any information to pass on would be greatly appreciated.

Support groups are only as good as the people in them (just like online support groups). That said, those started by known organizations are good places to start. The problem, of course, with physical support groups is that it's hard for caregivers to find the time to go. We've had several quality groups start them in my area, only to have no one showing up (or too few). It isn't lack of interest, but lack of time.
Carol

I did go to a support group many years ago -I think the leader was working on her degree for college and was very young but I did meet a lady whoses situation was very much like mine and she said something to me that made such a difference to me - it was only -you are manageing well and at that time I felt like a failure because I was not able to do all the things I needed to do but her words stuck with me and I managed to be easier on myself. She and I became good friends even tho her husband passed on and she moved to another state we remain good friends and she still picks me up whwn I am down by email or calls and we will still be able to get together probably. I am planning on starting at another support group when it starts in about a month. I have found this site a Godsend since I have been involved and if you Poppop stay on even if at first you only read the post you will be amazed at the caring men and women who contribuate and at times scold us and share and vent-I hope to hear more from you everyone has ideas-most hospitals have support groups and some offices of the aging do also.

I've never been a "joiner". And am not sure how much personal info I am comfortable discussing with strangers. Do these support groups really make a difference?