Something I don't think this article mentions that is important to remember when parents are living at home, is that the home itself needs a caretaker, too. When aging parents have difficulty with household work and home upkeep, it can make for some dangerous conditions.
I wish every elder who still lives alone at home, or with a spouse would read this article. Of course, they wouldn't see themselves in any of those situations.
My late parents, who lived into their mid to late 90's, always said to me "we can manage" thus continued to live in a large home, many stairs. They never thought of what stress they were causing me with all that worrying. Imagine every time the phone would ring, I would go into sheer panic. I hardly got any sleep at night. My health was going down the drain. My gosh, "I couldn't manage".
Oh how I wished they would have moved into a nice Independent Living facility to reduce not only my stress, but their own from trying to maintain a house. My Mom had passed from falling at home... thus Dad sold the house and moved to IL which he loved. Oh how he enjoyed that place, said he wished he would have moved there years earlier.
What is it that ties the elder to their home? They would have MORE independence living at senior living !!!
It is always a stressful time deciding whether an elderly relative needs full-time care. If it seems that they are reasonably healthy and happy to live independently, the installation of a personal alarm may offer an extra peace of mind, knowing that there is always help on hand if they need it.
my inlaws still live in there home alone. They are still very functional but are always fighting partly because they do not hear well ,even though they have hearing aids but donot ware them, we try to help by making dr apps for them and taking them. Mama resents this and has told us to back off she has always taken care of these things and will in the future. we feel this is dangerous for she does not do it but will not go if we make apps. they are 90 and 88. what should we do?
I have alot in common with all of the caregivers who have posted a comment, and I sympathize with you all. I as well don't know what to do. My mother has been living with me or the past 4 years now. She has several, very serious medical conditions. She tells everyone she is healthy and in control of matters, but truly isn't. My mother is 86 years old, and I have recently begun to see signs of confusion, forgettfulness, depression and even anger. She has always been an independent person and is having a hard time coming to terms with her reality. I am not able to share my concerns with her because of the denial. She leaves the stove on at times, and forgets to lock the house door. She has an aide for 6 hrs/day, 5 days/week, but I worry when she is left alone for periods at a time. I find myself concerned but overwhelmed with the situation...
I learn a few things to help control my mother's diabetes. For dessert: I will give her cup of fruit and on top of it I sprinkle cinnamon on it. That helps control her levels. And I use rye or pumpernickel bread no white or wheat bread. And I use splenda in her tea & to bake with. For milk my mother cannot have soy milk so I buy fat free milk. She eats lots of fish & chicken and pork. Loves her fruit dessert. She eats spinach 2 times a-day-1/2 cup for her coumadin.
My mother has dementia and acute depression. My father won't let her take medication, so she suffers without help. She always took care of him; now he is the caregiver and can't handle it. She can't cook anymore; he can't cook much. She doesn't do laundry anymore; he doesn't care. The house is filthy. He yells and screams at her and she cries, and he says he shoves her. He won't let her leave -- to come live with me or find another living situation. Now he threatens to leave her one day and never come back. I called social services and did an investigation and said there was mutual neglect but nothing to act on. She is afraid to leave him, so I can't talk her into getting out of there. He has her power of attorney and control of all money. She knows she lives in a hell of her own making, because she won;t leave. He tells her she has ruined his life. I don't know how to help, but i have to do something. The last time i was there, i ended up in a fight with my father to let her go, and he banned me from the house. He is suffering from mental issues as well, plus macular degeneration and deafness. He controls her because she's all he has left. And she says she'd rather be dead. Ideas? She lives far away in Florida.
Glad to help. I've been kicked in the rear a few times myself. As SecretSister and others will tell you, I'm usually not that blunt. At least I was self-aware enough to know I was being blunt and to say I was, but my persception of the intensity of your situation and the cry of your heart that I percieved led me to more of a confrontational therapist teaching moment or older sibling type approach some of which may have been with a little much edge since lately at various times of the day my emotions feel llike they are on a razor's edge like I told SecretSister above.
Anyhow, I wish you the best and will pray for you as you move forward in this new and uncharted venture with your mom, her care and taking care of yourself.
Crowemagnum, I really needed to hear what you so bluntly mention. I will do what needs to be done to help my mother receive the best care and attention neccessary. Thanks for the KICK in the butt!
SecretSister, I've been a "spousified mama's boy sissy" long enough in my life which began to change 7 long years ago.
I don't know why exactly nor can I identify the triggers but ever since Friday night, I'm messed up someway somehow with consistency of my meds, sleeping pattern and emotionally feeling like I've been scalped and peeled if that makes any sense at all. This comes and goes but particularly at night. Am I possibly dealing with someting sub-conciously?
I'm glad that I only have one more week before I see my new psychiatrist, but I can't keep living on such a razor sharp emotional and physical edge. I'm glad to go see my therapist tomorrow.
It sure is freeing in my man cave to not have my mother's financial stuff in here as I prepare to close out 2008 and 2009 for the CPA. The other day, I got some copies of some checks. Just taking the stack into my office to go over felt oppressive.
Wow, Sir. At first I thought, daddy Crowe. You are trying to help her. That is so kind of you. We all need encouragement like that. Even when it comes off as blunt. Bless you for your directness. Easier to hear it from others than to see our own stuff, sometimes (me included). And this caregiving stuff is not for sissies! We all need a boost now and then.
sbonets, will definitely keep you in prayer! Bless you for all that you do (one more hero caregiver). Hang in there, hon.
This is a tough transitional time in moving from being the adult-child of your mother to the adult caregiver of your mother. Please don't fall back into a child/mother relationship. She's not in good health. It's scary for her and you and so she can't be helped the best by freezing emotionally like a little girl before her mom because she is angry. She needs and you need to be the adult daughter who now acts more like a parent and get the POA as advised and realize your mom's anger is not so much about you as it is about her realizing how much she's really not able to do various things like she once could do. I believe the psychiatrist can give her some meds to mellow her out some. The Durable and Medical POA really need to be done for her benefit and your empowering to best help her from here on now. It took me two years to get my mother to give my POA and within two weeks she had a massive stroke followed by a broken hip and rapid decline ever since.
I'm being a bit more blunt than normal tonight because from where I sit this looks like a very key time to act but "I don't want my mother to hate me" F.O.G. is at the door and already creating some confusion in your head. Fear, Obligation, Guilt creates confusion either just from within ourselves or from others or certain memories of others being able to push our buttons.
Pray and ask God to keep her best interests at heart, and trust him to do the rest. Trust her doctors, as they seem to want the best for all of you. Don't be afraid, because confusion is not of God. But sounds like your mother's best interests will be well served by doing what her doctors say. Best wishes to you! Let us know how it goes. I'm praying for you and your mom.
I have to take my hat off to many of you for what you have done for your love one so far! I am in the beginning stage of making the most important decisions in my life when it comes to deciding what to do with my 75 yr old mother. she just fell and broke her knee, but has a host of other issues. She has kidney failure, severe hypertension, diabetes and lives alone. The fire dept broke into her rental apartment on 3 occasions to help her, she fell asleep with a pot on the stove (smoked up the house and it could have been worse), her drs want her to go straight into a nursing home for rehabilitation and not go back to her apartment. Her choices are to live with one of her children (which includes me) or stay in the nursing home after rehab. the dr. wants me to get POA. I tried this 2 years ago and she will not sign it. he wants me to do it anyway and he and a psychiatrist will provide the appropriate documentation. I am so confused and don't want my mother to hate me. She is the most stubbornness person I have ever come across. She is going to fight me tooth and nail. I only want to make sure she is safe and is taking her med's. Any suggestions. Please!
csarah, my heart goes out to you and your mom. Praying you and she find the help you need. It can be quite the journey. That was great info you posted, Sir, Crowe.
The most common signs and symptoms of frontotemporal dementia involve extreme changes in behavior and personality. These include:
■Increasingly inappropriate actions ■Euphoria ■Lack of judgment and inhibition ■Apathy ■Repetitive compulsive behavior ■A decline in personal hygiene ■Lack of awareness of thinking or behavioral changes
Speech and language problems Some subtypes of frontotemporal dementia are marked by the impairment or loss of speech and linguistic abilities. For example, primary progressive aphasia is characterized by an increasing difficulty in using and understanding written and spoken language. People with another subtype, semantic dementia, utter grammatically correct speech that has no relevance to the conversation at hand.
Movement disorders Rarer subtypes of frontotemporal dementia are characterized by problems with movement, similar to those associated with Parkinson's disease or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) — which is also often called Lou Gehrig's disease.
Did her doctor explain that this condition impacts the areas of the brain generally associated with personality, behavior and language? If so, her doctor might need to know that she is in denial and could give you some ideas on how to talk with her. Does she get any help from home help? Sometimes a neutral person like medical professionals can get accross to a loved one difficult news with less drama between relatives.
My mom still lives in her home alone with the help of myself and meals on wheels. Because of her resent diagnoses of fronto-temporal dementia she has lost her license to drive. She still does not believe me that she has something really wrong with her brain. I do not know how to talk to her because of her condition. Can someone give me advice?
Pamela, I just got the greatest inspiration from reading your post. An idea to help your mom, and you. All three of ours had to be moved because none could handle living on their own any longer. Two are in NH because they need to be. Their care is greater than we can provide, or anyone else, for that matter. The third is on her own, but shouldn't be. But that is no longer up to me. I rest in God and prayer. And I spend a LOT of time visiting my loved ones in their wonderful nursing home. They all so appreciate us being there for them. And we are so thankful for all of them.
Well said Lilliput but I on the other hand feel somewhat differently. Oh yes I've visited some NH's and I see people that seem to have been forgotten, then I see the rooms with the occupants out, joining in the festivities, taking advantage of every single opportunity they have there and I wish that my mom was there.
Yes my mom is in her own home, but she is constantly worried about the big hole over her bed, that has yet to be fixed, calling Sears to come out and spot check the fridge, the T.V., and the washer/dryer. Checking to see if the gardener trims her roses, and making sure to tell him not to cut to close to her roses. Worrying about the bathroom door that from time to time gets stuck, worried about all those little things that she shouldn't have to worry about.
I wish her peace and if she was in a NH I'd be there so much you'd think I was a resident. Plus I wouldn't have to go over when my sister and her family weren't there as to not walk on egg shells around my mom afraid someone will say the wrong thing and a fight ensue.
NHs are around for a reason and all are not bad. My mom would be around people that have similar ailments and can relate rather than being around the likes of us who don't totally understand what her poor body is going through.
I have a friend whose mother was in a NH for 20 years. She couldn't walk, and could barely talk, but she was the most pleasant person to be around. When she passed almost every employee from the NH attended the home going and each had a wonderful story to tell about her.
If there is peace in your loved one's home certainly they should remain, but when there's nothing but worry worry worry, I say forget all that and make it easy for your loved one and get them the heck out of there.
thank you for this post. There is so little information about how to help a parent stay in their home environment as long as possible. This used to be the norm...now everyone seems to want do alternate placements. IMHO, and with the exception of extreme incapacity or immobility, I think that aging-in-home is the more gentle and humane choice. (Also, thanks for the checklist and resource guides.)
where do you find this care manger, we have kept my mother in home for a while,she has demenia. my dad is still with her at home but can no longer handle her. most times she cant walk but some nights she will get up in the night and go to the bathroom and fall. most times she cant or want talk,she doesnt want to eat or take her medicine, i need to get information on somebody to talk to,please i need information quick,thanks
How do you handle one parent that is able to live alone at home but the other parent is not able to live alone and the "healthy" parent is unable to care for the ill patient? The ill patient suffers from severe depression and shows early signs of dementia.
Dear mccoene, Naus is right. You are very thoughtful to look after her needs, both physical and emotional. Loving on her is a wonderful way to communicate, and without words you can tell her a lot. Sometimes we just have to make choices for them, in their best interests, because sometimes they can't. I find prayer helps, and asking God for wisdom, discernment, and direction
Dear mccoene, of course you are doing the right thing. She is very fortunate to have family like you to help and to care. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. You are not moving too fast, if you were then you would already be putting her into assisted living. You and your husband are very thoughtful of her feelings by moving slowly, hope she realizes it. Take Care, and come back to talk. Nauseated
Eighteen months ago my husband's mother fell and broke her hip, was in hospital and nursing home for recovery. Then she went back to living alone in her 3 bedroom home until she came down for a short visit with us in Florida at Thanksgiving and ended up being hospitalized twice before Christmas. Needless to say, we couldn't let her go back to NY and live alone as before. So she's been living with us for the last four months. The doctors say she's doing well now, I take care of all her meds. My husband and I take her everywhere and she's with us constantly. Now the lack of privacy is wearing on us and our relationship, and I think it's time Mom tries to live on her own again. We've rented a small villa (like a condo) for her for a couple months, around the corner from here, just to see how she does. I'll be monitoring to see if she cooks and takes care of herself. We'll also continue to take her shopping, church and everywhere else we can. If she feels comfortable when the couple months are done, then we'll rent a small senior apartment for her. If she doesn't feel comfortable, I'm already preparing by researching assisted living facilities near us. The problem we're having is that she feels we're moving too fast. Without verbalizing, I think she believes she can go back to her house in NY and continue as things were before. We feel that is impossible since there is no one there to 'take care' of her. One brother-in-law lives in Ohio, and we're in Florida. My husband and I are retired and work part-time so it makes sense that she stay close to us. Her mind seems good, but she has trouble getting around since breaking her hip, and her hearing is very poor. She's kinda between living alone and assisted living. We just don't know how to communicate with her since she doesn't verbalize her feelings or anything. Are we doing the right thing?
No one had to take my parent's home; they mortgaged it themselves, and ran up thousands of dollars of credit card debt. Insane! I paid off all (with their assets) except for their house. I'm just trying to salvage what equity she has left in that house for her current and future needs. Sadly, don't see how to do it. I think she will end up in assisted living sooner than later, and a Nursing Home eventually, on public assistance. Especially since she won't consider liquidating her personal belongings to help herself out. I am Guardian/Conservator, and may have to do so against her wishes. How ugly life becomes for those to have to live with the consequences of their poor choices! I just wonder if there is any way to help her, and keep her from being further victimized (by herself and shrewd others...so ready to take advantage of her)?
I know what you mean, because my FIL had a woman take him for $75,000.00 loan on his house, which he built way back when and never had a mortgage on. She "promised to take care of him for the rest of his life..." and got suckered into it. We didn't find out about it until he fell off a roof, got hospitalized and found foreclosure notices at his place. We called the state police, had search warrants, but the banks still wouldn't cooperate...at risk of them being found negligent. She walked away with his money and they would't produce the records of transactions, even with court order! But she got caught on other charges, and we got a call asking FIL to testify. He couldn't, because he'd had a stroke, and his dementia and denial wouldn't cooperate enough for him to testify in his own case. She got away with it for a season...but God's justice will take care of her in the end. Sad. He walked away with a van, and that's it. Lost the house trying to pay back the mortgage he signed for and she stole. Criminal!!!
How about a bailout? LOL It seems to be working for others. No, but seriously, I wish I had the answers. I'm learning still. In my father's case, criminal charges have been filed against the abuser, and I'm hoping that his taking out this ridiculous loan can also be included, and maybe reversed. But I'm not holding my breath. I hope that the people who read our posts will learn to recognize senior financial abuse. I went into all this blind, since I did not see my father on a daily basis, and lived out of state. Long story, and so much to do to clean up his mess. I get very little cooperation from him when it comes to helping him, since his cognitive skills have declined so much, he just thinks I'm trying to make things difficult for him. So I have had to go to court to file for conservatorship so I can help him with all the details, because as you know, trying to talk to mortgage companies, credit card companies, they insist on talking to the account holder, which is difficult when like I said their cognitive skills are not there. My father's finances have become such a nightmare. I'm not sure what to do, except take one day at a time, one issue at a time. I have court hearing next week, that's a start. I had to do this since I kept running into roadblocks everytime I tried to clear something up. Take Care Anne, let me know if you find a solution to stop the nightmares. Naus
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Should Your Elderly Parent Continue Living at Home?
My late parents, who lived into their mid to late 90's, always said to me "we can manage" thus continued to live in a large home, many stairs. They never thought of what stress they were causing me with all that worrying. Imagine every time the phone would ring, I would go into sheer panic. I hardly got any sleep at night. My health was going down the drain. My gosh, "I couldn't manage".
Oh how I wished they would have moved into a nice Independent Living facility to reduce not only my stress, but their own from trying to maintain a house. My Mom had passed from falling at home... thus Dad sold the house and moved to IL which he loved. Oh how he enjoyed that place, said he wished he would have moved there years earlier.
What is it that ties the elder to their home? They would have MORE independence living at senior living !!!
Glad to help. I've been kicked in the rear a few times myself. As SecretSister and others will tell you, I'm usually not that blunt. At least I was self-aware enough to know I was being blunt and to say I was, but my persception of the intensity of your situation and the cry of your heart that I percieved led me to more of a confrontational therapist teaching moment or older sibling type approach some of which may have been with a little much edge since lately at various times of the day my emotions feel llike they are on a razor's edge like I told SecretSister above.
Anyhow, I wish you the best and will pray for you as you move forward in this new and uncharted venture with your mom, her care and taking care of yourself.
I don't know why exactly nor can I identify the triggers but ever since Friday night, I'm messed up someway somehow with consistency of my meds, sleeping pattern and emotionally feeling like I've been scalped and peeled if that makes any sense at all. This comes and goes but particularly at night. Am I possibly dealing with someting sub-conciously?
I'm glad that I only have one more week before I see my new psychiatrist, but I can't keep living on such a razor sharp emotional and physical edge. I'm glad to go see my therapist tomorrow.
It sure is freeing in my man cave to not have my mother's financial stuff in here as I prepare to close out 2008 and 2009 for the CPA. The other day, I got some copies of some checks. Just taking the stack into my office to go over felt oppressive.
sbonets, will definitely keep you in prayer! Bless you for all that you do (one more hero caregiver). Hang in there, hon.
This is a tough transitional time in moving from being the adult-child of your mother to the adult caregiver of your mother. Please don't fall back into a child/mother relationship. She's not in good health. It's scary for her and you and so she can't be helped the best by freezing emotionally like a little girl before her mom because she is angry. She needs and you need to be the adult daughter who now acts more like a parent and get the POA as advised and realize your mom's anger is not so much about you as it is about her realizing how much she's really not able to do various things like she once could do. I believe the psychiatrist can give her some meds to mellow her out some. The Durable and Medical POA really need to be done for her benefit and your empowering to best help her from here on now. It took me two years to get my mother to give my POA and within two weeks she had a massive stroke followed by a broken hip and rapid decline ever since.
I'm being a bit more blunt than normal tonight because from where I sit this looks like a very key time to act but "I don't want my mother to hate me" F.O.G. is at the door and already creating some confusion in your head. Fear, Obligation, Guilt creates confusion either just from within ourselves or from others or certain memories of others being able to push our buttons.
Hope this helps. Now to return to fixing supper.
The most common signs and symptoms of frontotemporal dementia involve extreme changes in behavior and personality. These include:
■Increasingly inappropriate actions
■Euphoria
■Lack of judgment and inhibition
■Apathy
■Repetitive compulsive behavior
■A decline in personal hygiene
■Lack of awareness of thinking or behavioral changes
Speech and language problems
Some subtypes of frontotemporal dementia are marked by the impairment or loss of speech and linguistic abilities. For example, primary progressive aphasia is characterized by an increasing difficulty in using and understanding written and spoken language. People with another subtype, semantic dementia, utter grammatically correct speech that has no relevance to the conversation at hand.
Movement disorders
Rarer subtypes of frontotemporal dementia are characterized by problems with movement, similar to those associated with Parkinson's disease or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) — which is also often called Lou Gehrig's disease.
Movement-related signs and symptoms may include:
■Tremor
■Rigidity
■Muscle spasms
■Poor coordination
■Difficulty swallowing
■Muscle weakness
Yes my mom is in her own home, but she is constantly worried about the big hole over her bed, that has yet to be fixed, calling Sears to come out and spot check the fridge, the T.V., and the washer/dryer. Checking to see if the gardener trims her roses, and making sure to tell him not to cut to close to her roses. Worrying about the bathroom door that from time to time gets stuck, worried about all those little things that she shouldn't have to worry about.
I wish her peace and if she was in a NH I'd be there so much you'd think I was a resident. Plus I wouldn't have to go over when my sister and her family weren't there as to not walk on egg shells around my mom afraid someone will say the wrong thing and a fight ensue.
NHs are around for a reason and all are not bad. My mom would be around people that have similar ailments and can relate rather than being around the likes of us who don't totally understand what her poor body is going through.
I have a friend whose mother was in a NH for 20 years. She couldn't walk, and could barely talk, but she was the most pleasant person to be around. When she passed almost every employee from the NH attended the home going and each had a wonderful story to tell about her.
If there is peace in your loved one's home certainly they should remain, but when there's nothing but worry worry worry, I say forget all that and make it easy for your loved one and get them the heck out of there.
Of course this is just my opinion.
(Also, thanks for the checklist and resource guides.)