My mother (71) is stage three to four of dementia, and lives with my father (74), who is her primary caregiver. We are four siblings trying to alternate our visiting them. (My two brothers, and me live a five-hour drive from them, whereas my sister is closer.) I visit them every other weekend, and spend all the annual leave with them. While I do a lot around the house, and give all the required care and affection to my mother, I sometimes "lose it" with her. For example, on Sunday, I was cleaning the entire big house. Half away through it, my mother was considerably restless, so I asked her to sit somewhere or go out for awhile, till I finished. (My problem is that I feel I can't clean a place properly if people are moving around.) She would not listen to me - somehow she's also kind of hard of hearing; as a result, I raised the voice a bit to her, and took her by arm from the hallway out - this being a distance of about 2 meters. Even though I didn't do that forcefully, with my mother not saying anything, nor sounding/appearing displeased/angry, I could beat myself up right away.
Although my mother didn't say anything then or later, nor showed any trace of displeasure, I kept feeling guilty - I still do!
The other brothers are less empathetic toward our mother, and spend less quality time with her, which, on the other hand, spares them these moments of "losing it" with mom. I want to be a perfectly caring son for her but I can't do so every single minute :( Why??
Thanks for reading.