ToHomewithDad/Mom Hi I just want to clarify that I am not presently caring for my parents. The are both in their 80's and divorced. My father has a second wife. My mother, however, is very unwell and she lives far away. She receives a lot of home assistance there through the senior living residence where she lives. I really just wanted to offer my support to YOU - who is doing it. Honestly, I do have so much less than my siblings. When my late Aunt passed away you would have thought I robbed her grave! She left me and one younger brothers slightly more than her other 20 heirs. And she left the lion's share to my father who owns 2 homes and 2 cars, has a pension, etc. My Aunt and I were very close. She was never married, no kids. I was heartbroken when she passed away and spent as much time as I could with her in her final days. The reaction from my siblings when she left me a "little" more than them was astonishing. They all own homes, property, etc. Since she passed away I see very little of my family. She was the glue that held everyone together. Their petty bickering over a small amount of money (one if them is very wealthy - more than a millionaire) was sickening to me. I will let them take care of my parents because I cannot afford to do it, literally. I just want to clarify this to you. The purpose of my comment was to support YOU, and say do not pay any mind to the senseless remarks of your siblings, who seem to have many material advantages. The bickering over money is ridiculous. Are you supposed to take care of your parents free of charge then give your sibs parent's money? It doesn't make any sense. I just wanted to express my support. And don't be surprised if they minimize all the good you have done. You may never get a thank you. They may just think - after all you have done - that you are just waiting for a handout. Seems like no matter how much each sibling has, some want their "fair share" whether they really need it or not. I do not know what is in my parent's will. All I know is I COULD only take care of them if they promised me money or property inheritance. I can barely keep a roof over my head. I could not abandone my own welfare for them. I cannot afford it. The others really CAN afford to to it much better than me. I am happy that your parents had the wisdom and good judgement to see that you were the most able and the most needy and provided for that. Don't let your "luckier" siblings send you in a guilt trip. God Bless.
To HomewithDad I think it is correct that your parents left you the property since you are the neediest sibling who also took care of them. I have 5 siblings, no property, no husband, no children. I work to support myself and barely keep it together. I had a lengthy illness when I was younger that significantly reduced my earnings and left me with a lot of debt. BTW, none of my surviving family members, including my parents, ever assisted me financially during this period, not do they do so now. It is a person's prerogative to leave money to whomever they wish. It seems like your parents have made a sound judgement. Not only are you the one caring for them, but you are the one with the most need. Quite frankly, I could hardly afford to take care of my parents if they did not promise me something in return. I would be living in the street. Your siblings need a reality check.
Cttn55, i just after 8 years started to get compensated which if fine with me i never wanted to get paid until the wear and tear of my body started aging rapidly i worked full time at my regular job then had to ask to go part time because i was exhausted The great thing is my husband is retired from the Police dept so i didnt lose benifits. My youngest daughter helps the most and she is 14 it is a team effort but since she is my Mother i feel the most responsibility lies on me. The two yahoo sisters tried to have her declared incompetent and did a shady deal with a attorney to make them PoA. Long story short i called my sister in Virginia had her fly down and the fight began we hired the best Elder attorney in Ca and fought and won and but the fees were terrible. My Mother does have a trust and is guarded by a C.P.A. i do everything by the rules and do a timecard starting about 3 months ago to protect me . For some reason my 2 sisters thinks they were entitled to what my Mom had planned to leave to us . They wanted it now and were able to succeed to a certain degree till i stepped in and stopped it. If it was up to them she'd be in a nursing home probably dead by now. When then come they try and do Kodak moments to let our relatives think they come often. Its sad to think my mom's inheritance went to attorneys and financial services because of them. My Mother has dementia so when they do visit she thinks "oh how nice they came".I don't ever want to upset my mother by telling her the truth she lives in the moment so when they do come i just keep guarded and watch them. Really in the end they are going to have to live with themselves and guilt.
" I have one sister that lives 4 houses down and another 2 blocks away and they might come every 2-4 months for 15 min to visit her it's so sick to hear of their busy lives (both Teachers )." I'm assuming you are the 24/7 caregiver for your mom? And that your family lives in her house with her? Teachers think they are so much more busy than anyone else. And then they forget about the school breaks and summers off! Your sisters should be giving you plenty of respite breaks during their school breaks and summers off. Are they? Does your mother think her do-nothing daughters are wonderful? And does she have excuses as to why they don't visit more often? And, last but certainly not least -- are you being compensated in some way for the caregiving you do? Does your mother have a will or trust? Do you and your sisters get equal shares? (NOT fair; you should get more!)
Thank you Thank you Thank you! This is my story ! I feel validated after reading this. Reading the comments help me understand I am not alone! There are 4 of us all girls me being the youngest. Had to give up my house of 16 yrs to move myself, hubby and our 4 daughters to come take care of mom now going on 8 yrs she is now 95. The God's honest truth I have one sister that lives 4 houses down and another 2 blocks away and they might come every 2-4 months for 15 min to visit her it's so sick to hear of their busy lives (both Teachers ) the other sis lives in another state but calls every day. I am dedicated to give my Mother a full quality of life ! She lives in the moment she has dementia so she know who we are but can't remember if she ate something 10 min ago. I do get overwhelmed but just continue to ask for God's love to give me the will to continue caring...and I find love and peace when I look at my mom and she so fragile says thank you...and I tell her no...Thank you for loving me. God Bless all caregivers. You are my heroes and gives me the will to love my Mother with absolutely no regrets for taking this on.
I too have had to walk away. I tried after a thirty year estrangement that started with my mothers illness when I was a child to reconcile with siblings. for the last fifteen years. It has not worked. I did reconcile with my father. Now that he is in need of care and they continue to not communicate with me I have to let it go. I cared for them and him both already, when i was a child. I trust that they will do well with their turn and perhaps, finally, get to grow up too. Not my circus not my monkeys. it's just sad that I lose my father again in the process. Not for me, but for him. because he won't know what really happened. But, that would be karma kicking in.
I have found, as someone who is suicidal - due to sibling / family bullying and their harassment over my persistent daily care for my Father who has dementia + - but who cannot be so as I am caring for an extremely vulnerable parent, your article resounds with good common sense. But how can one stop this appalling treatment?
PeaceCorps1 I am right where you are with the siblings. I have even thought how much money I will save not buying plane tickets to their funerals or their children's weddings. My adult children understand and are very sympathetic, invite me for Christmas etc. Two sons-in-law are horrified at the treatment my family of origin dish out to me- that is gratifying but not essential.
I still pray for blessings on them and their families to keep my heart free from anger, bitterness, resentment and blame. I love my Mother and am daily growing in ability to be kind and loving to her. Amazing growth there.
HomewithDad I am where you are. I no longer pray for reconciliation and in a way I am happier without my siblings in my life. Holidays can get lonely but I tell my adult kids to bring a plate back for me when they go to family gatherings. When I lost contact with my siblings I also lost my beloved nieces and nephews as they of course love their mothers just as my adult kids love me. But I am happier and I do not even think I will attend their funerals if they die before me.
Some lessons I have learned. BEFORE you take on the role of caretaker of a parent have all their legal documents reviewed. If another sibling has been made health advocate or power of attorney DO NOT become the caretaker unless you are legally put in charge. There is nothing worse than an uninvolved sibling dictating financial or health decisions and yet does not want to the actual care taking. Get this issue resolved before you take on the role of caretaker.
I didn't even live in this country when my mother had a massive stroke and spent the next 10 years traveling back and forth and staying 2-5 months each time to help put. Thank goodness my company let me work from here (the headquarters is in my home town). My brother did nothing. Because of my frequent trips, it destroyed my 13 year relationship. At that point I moved home at a great financial loss. My mother died in 2012. For over 2 years we begged him to come see his mother and he never did, though through this all, HE remained the golden boy. It has been 4 years since he's been to visit our father. He called to borrow money but since I have POA, he's given up. Everything falls to me: healthcare , financial, yard work, etc. I have been looking after one or both of my parents for 16 years and I AM TIRED TO MY BONE MARROW. Thankfully I have a very supportive boyfriend of 5 years. But neither of us have children so we are on our own.
Katiekay, I learned to forgive about 20 years ago when I confronted my parents about things that had happened in our family and they denied them all and ran me out of town on a rail. Siblings were all thrilled then to see me get the boot. I was going to AlAnon meetings 3 times a week back then and they put great stock in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. There was a Chapter in there about how to forgive. I read it and took it seriously. I prayed several times a day for at least two weeks for God to give my parents everything I wanted for myself and then some. At first, I prayed through gritted teeth, seething with anger. But as I continued to pray for them, my heart softened and I really did forgive. Soon I could not even remember what we were all mad about. We reconciled and were closer than ever.
When my husband filed for divorce and married another woman very quickly, I also had to practice forgiveness. This time there would be no reconciliation. He likes to think that I don't exist and even told one of our close friends that I had died in a plane crash! But I have forgiven him feel no bitterness or resentment, and will probably never see him again.
God gives us the grace to forgive. Jesus said on the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." His is a high bar, but forgiveness is the healthiest thing we can do to free ourselves to move on to a better life. You can do it if you really want to get well.
Noellcat1 No the siblings are not helping me. They were furious when my Dad and Mom decided to favor me in their wills since I am financially struggling after divorce and had no place to live, hard time supporting myself, etc. My siblings all have houses and spouses and retirement plans and savings accounts and are financially successful. They wanted my parents to sell their condo and go into nursing homes, which would leave no money for anyone to inherit. So my parents left the condo to me - in exchange for an agreement to take care of them the rest of their lives.
So I really can't complain and I guess my siblings have reason to resent me. But I was wonderful with my Dad and he left this earth very happy and content. I have done a fabulous job of taking care of my Mom for 1 1/2 years. She is 92 very healthy even with congestive heart failure. Probably will live to 95 or 98 - it is in God's hands. Which is where I put my siblings. I really don't care why they hate me so much - that is none of my business.
So I concentrate on what is my business. I try to eat right, exercise, stay healthy, work enough to pay sitters so I can get our to play tennis. I read books, draw strong boundaries with my Mom, and am going to seminary starting this fall so I will be qualified to work as a Chaplain after my Mom goes to heaven.
I refuse to let their hatred of me or these difficult circumstances ruin my life. I WILL survive, and then I WILL thrive. Working as a Chaplain fits my temperment more than being a lawyer did. It is one of the few areas of employment where your age works for you.
Again, I agree with Alcoholics Anonymous that forgiveness is something I do for myself to set myself from from bitterness, anger and resentment. I also work a 12 step program, but not with AA.
Hope you get a glimmer of a silver lining behind your own cloud of difficulties. Where there is life, there is hope.
All of you are amazing, strong, and resilient. Even when you don't feel like you are. I thought I had a rough load with my brother but reading trough the stories I realize how incredibly lucky I am. I'm 47, my brother is 53. I was considered the golden child by my father because I'm more grounded. My brother has never been formally diagnosed but I suspect adult attention disorder of the hyperactive type or aspergers. He's very intelligent, but not focused and has always made rash choices, has a short fuse, and bounces emotionally like a cat who stepped on tape. My mother was a psychologist and even though I'm sure she recognized he was differently wired, she never placed him treatment. Instead it was an issue that has been side stepped, shoved under the rug so to speak. Always the phrase, "He is different. Don't worry." The Sunday before ( my one half day to do my errands and see my guy ) the Wednesday my father was scheduled for his first visit to the pcp whom he hadn't seen in five years, I received a text from him stating I wouldn't have to deal with him for a week. My father is completely bed bound. It takes physically man handling him into a chair to move him. I'm strong, but not quite that strong. So had to arrange medical transport and get him into a chair by myself because my brother who does nothing decided to fly off to Thailand for a week. I had to ask my guy for help. Which he did willingly. I also found out he had my dad sign four different checks totally just under 2500.00 before he zipped off to Thailand. When my brother did finally return somehow by the grace of God and my mother on the other side ( she passed in 2008) I remained calm after he threw a box of his son's toys at me. Stated simply I understood that none of us knew how to communicate with him and that it was time for him to get help. That how he is wasn't bad or wrong, but different and the way dad and I communicate with him is damaging and that if we can get him a coach to help him and us learn how to communicate in a positive way, to organize and find ways to make his life easier then the two of us can give dad the care he needs. Would he be willing to get diagnosed and work with someone who understands him and can be his friend and help him. He agreed. It was calm, simple, and a huge burden lifted. I still have days I want to strangle him and tell him he is a g@d&mm idiot, but knowing he doesn't do things intentionally or maliciously and keeping that in the forefront helps. For the first time in my life I've actually been able to hug him and make it a priority to start with a hug and end with one when I have to leave and he is here. It's not 100% fixed, but we're on the road to being the best we can for our father. It's rough, but there is hope. Had he not flown off for a week the issue that he needs help would have never happened. As horrible as the circumstances were, there was this major upside to it all. Who knows maybe in time I'll have him changing dads diapers once in awhile when I can't and actually have a full day and night off! The point is what I never thought I would be able to do I've found I can do.
Terrific article. Especially in dealing with "narcissistic or needy siblings who use bullying, guilt and manipulation". Sometimes you do have to disconnect, or walk away, because nothing you do is ever good enough, and you just get tired of the verbal abuse. You need your energy for caregiving, not family conflict.
HomewithDad ...you have a great attitude. I am really working to get where you are but it is so hard. So much of my time and attention is wasted wishing my sibling and other relatives would behave in a caring decent way. I need to learn this is never going to happen.
It must be a freeing feeling to just forgive, let go and move on..i need this for my health and any possible happiness in the future. If you can do i can too..thanks for the inspiration!
Great Article. I was the main caregiver for my 90 year old Dad who came home after a fall and hospitilization for 2 months then passed. All 5 siblings were furious with me for bringing him home as he wanted and not putting him in a medical institution. He was a physician and knew what he wanted. He was comfortable, happy and died very peacefully. Well taken care of.
Now I have cared 24/7 for my 92 year old Mom for 1 1/2 years and am doing a great job - she is so happy here at home, in no pain, functioning well, only short term memory loss and the siblings still resent me. The main hostility is from my older brother and his wife - sibling rivalry which was never admitted, worked through or put in the past.
I have forgiven each of the siblings and their spouses for my own sake. I love my enemies, bless those who curse me and pray for those who despitefully use me. Still I DO NOT EXPECT ever to have warm loving or even normal relations with any of my siblings. I have accepted their rejection. They cannot hurt me any more. When my Mom leaves this earth, I will joyfully proceed on with my life as a independent woman, not expecting anything good from the siblings. If I get a thankyou, all the better, but I have no unrealistic expectations.
Better to deal with reality and do the best you can and not waste time wishing people or circumstances were different.
My siblings think they help by suggesting resources I clearly have looked into, since I am the sole caregiver. They have not helped monetarily, given me a break, responded to my need for help, my health declining, the toll it has taken. When the time comes, I really don't want to see them show up..What for? They never stepped up. They live out of area..never offered respite for me. Has anyone out there felt this way? And..have they actually done such a thing?
Good article. In my family, 2/5 living sibs care for mom. The "off board" 3 always have such valid excuses for not helping---and the 2 of us who do care, just look the other way. We've had maybe one real blowout and that was when I felt it was time to have mother placed in a lovely ALF I'd found. Vote was 4-1 against...wow, I really thought my brother who cares for mom would be happy to have the stress of her living with them lessened. I learned my lesson and won't go there again. Sometimes I will email or text the 3 sibs who never see mom. She is going downhill noticeably and fairly swiftly. They usually make and appearance and then are absent again until the next call. Nothing I can do, nothing I intend to do. If mother ever dies ( she's not planning on it) I will probably give my small portion of inheritance to the brother who has done the most. He's been severely impacted financially by mother (and first, also daddy) living there.
This all makes me want to go quickly and quietly on my 80th birthday. (After the party). AFTER having lived alone and independently! (Knowing full well we usually don't get what we want)
Currently I'm my parents oldest child - we (my sister, brother and I) have an older sister from our father's first marriage. Father passed away 2 years ago. 3 years ago I moved in after I healed up from my cancer surgery to help Mom take care of Father. We live next door to each other - my small acreage is bound on 2 sides by my parents property which is a bit larger. I have use of it for my horses.
Mom has never been an easy person to get along with - she is very energy, highly strung and nervous as well as being exceptionally sensitive. She was a wonderful athlete during high school and played semi-pro basket ball during the WWII at the war plant where she worked. That is where she met our father. They had been married 67 years when Father passed. All siblings stayed in contact when Father was alive - Mom and I took care of him along with hospice and visiting doctors in their home until he passed. I had always thought we were a loving, close family until after father passed. Good heavens - it has been down hill since. My younger and older sister both were sure that Father was not getting the care he should have and toward the end of his life became very vocal and accusing - from calling the abuse hot line and asking for welfare checks from the police. I got things straight with the abuse people and police have not been back since the one visit.
My younger sister is trying every which way to Sunday to make me look the bad guy - Mom's Dementia/Alzh's is getting worse - she is better in the mornings and by evening it is a struggle to get her to bed and pray she stays asleep at night or doesn't wander off. I'm totally exhausted and have approached the hospice service about respite care for me. They are in the process of making that happen within the next week - I've had so little sleep in the last week that I'm very brain fogged and finding it very hard to cope - I have livestock to take care of, a vege garden which I harvest - freeze and can for winter as well I'm an author and I do a lot of buying and selling of antiques - take care of the farm. I do hire some folks now and again to do the mowing and put up fencing, etc. However - I'm having trouble keeping track. Our brother made it very clear back 30 years or so ago that he would be civil but wanted no responsibility of any of it. His choice which I have no problem with. On the other hand the younger sister is being manipulative, lies, tells half truths, lets you assume from her words that she is going to do something and then says she never said that, she said thus and such (sigh). I'm pretty black and white in that what you see is what you get. Thank goodness the sister lives a 2 day drive away and won't fly unless she absolutely has to. I've tried to have no contact with her after she started in on me and the folks 6 years ago now - but it just never stops. I've even consulted a lawyer who tells me she is nuts and to just keep all of her communications in a paper file and to send him the more inflammatory ones. That way if she starts something after Mom passes we will have ammunition to present to a judge and I'm to not engage her in any way. I haven't. Mom would like us all to get along and I would too, but I'm not going to be stabbed in the back and insulted or have my job of taking care of mother 24/7 made harder by my sister. She has no legal standing except that her name is on the deed to the property along with our parents and mine.
I do not see how this can be resolved with my sister constantly accusing me of not taking care of things properly when she flits in and out - then from her home many miles away accuses me of horrible things. I do not need that stress - I just want her to go away. The deed to the farm is a survivor deed so whomever lives the longest ends up with it. My folks 5 - 6 yrs ago went to a lawyer to see how to take both of our names off of the deed because of her actions. It is written too well and unless she signs off voluntarily it will never happen. She thinks I'm behind it and I'm not at all. I drove my folks to the lawyers office and they met with him privately while I waited in the lobby. They told me afterwards what they had said. They wanted me to have the property in exchange for taking care of them. Which is a nice gesture, but I do have my own place. I get no compensation for taking care of them other than the use of the property - they are my parents and did the best they could for me - I feel it is my duty to take care of them to the best of my ability to their end or mine - whichever comes first. At this juncture, I do not believe there will ever be a reconciliation - my sister has done her level best to separate me from the rest of the family. They will not answer any of my letters or call back when I call and leave a message on their phones. She tells me what their reactions are and why and how mother and I are such awful people - that if we had been nicer to them growing up they would be in contact. I just don't get it - obviously no sense of family duty, honor or loyalty. Guess I'm just too old fashioned where those things actually mean something.
Love the article - from it I see that to keep my sanity I will need to have no contact with my siblings which makes me very sad.
Very good article - especially in conjunction with the added article in the list below, about family denial. That's the challenge, when the whole family, everyone distant, and also the ailing elder - wants to deny that issues are serious and the risks significant.
Local caregiver sib find ourselves caught between others reinforcing each other, in a belief that leaves our efforts minimalized with the deterioration risks unaddressed - and I found this choice intolerable, in that if I also abandoned disabled brother (after bringing him to live near me), he would crash, be institutionalized, abandoned....so I worked with my own schedule to find time to be involved. I set him up 5 hours away from me, because he needed a simple country setting, and I helped him across the miles, but responded to every impending risk, got him supports. So I was both a "local" supporter - compared to my other family members who lived in a different country - yet also a "distant" one, who made time to interface with his local situation.
I'm glad I did. That brother and I are close now, he knows I made time to learn what he really needed and secure it. After my help for him to live in the community for years, he now lives in a nursing home so my role is lessened - and that has hurt also, for when I now visit, I can be seen as a stranger by the staff - relationship changes take adjustments, that hurt, but I'm glad I've taken breaks, and complained but not broken off completely, for it takes insights time to register, we all see our situation as normal - and from a distance, others don't see it at all!
This article has hit the nail on the head. In our case the health POA is the cause of our family rift. She is always correct. No one else but her is experienced in memory loss of a parent. Even though one of her sisters has lost in-laws with memory loss and was their caregiver. She is not to be questioned. Five of us have know our Mom needs memory care instead of assisted living. Our Mom is in her imaginary world and can not care for herself at all - she lives in her gerichair or her bed being transported by a lift from chair to bed. We have tried and now it is in God's hands. The health POA will need to answer to Him when the time comes.
Very interesting article! When siblings live in different states and only visit their mother for a quick weekend a few times a year (and they come at different times), having any sort of family meeting (especially with a therapist or mediator) isn't going to happen. That's my situation. And they make sure to tell me how busy they are. My mother (starting to need more caregiving, although she still lives alone) excuses their absence and non-involvement. I, the local child (and only daughter) am expected to help her. What's made it difficult is that I've come to the realization that my mother doesn't remember what I do for her, and if I disagree with her about something that was said, I'm the one who remembers things incorrectly, according to her. I'm not "right in the head." Oh, and I'm trying to "take advantage of her" because I dared to mention the dirty "c" word (compensation). Maybe I shouldn't complain, though -- today is 12 days since I've heard from her! She really is backing off on the constant calls and things that have to be done NOW.
Thanks. When I struggled as the sole caregiver of my cousin, I was confused by her behavior. As her cousin, we had very little social contact. Her life was connected to her family with their dynamics. Our relationship was spaced by funerals. I stepped up when no one else did but the more I provided she equally expected more until I was spent. Seemed the more ill she got, her past family dynamics that I did not know, were imposed on me. I was in a position that made it impossible to explain her behavior when she acted out with the professional staff who were trying to help.
What a wonderful helpful article, validation of all the complexities going on in the family care giving. No wonder it becomes chaotic and upsetting and so easy to become divided. For me avoiding sibling drama and hooks is my best survival mechanism no matter how much care my parents need. Learning my limitations (no matter how much more I would like to do) reduces my resentment and helps my own well being and I can see the siblings as individuals making their choices and are helping where they can. It is like a strategy for any difficult work situation but I agree there has to come a point to agree to differ with different viewpoints so I can make the most of the time I have with parents and not caught into some disagreement that will waste my energy. When I conserve a bit of energy I can bring a bit more compassion into my view of things as there is no easy way for anyone. Thanks for expressing such great information .
I firmly believe in forgiving and reconciliation and its at the heart if my faith too. I have 2 sisters & 1 brother. My brother has a hugely responsible job & very little time to spend with dad. He also spends time with his children & grandchildren. Ive watched him struggle with feeling torn between his father & his children & its very sad. My sisters & i have struggled with depression all our adult lives. As far as care giving is concerned, dad came to yd whilst mum was ill in hospital & stayed for 9 months after she passed away. My one sister refused to support us with any respite care & my other sister was very supportive at first & then found things difficult & so dad moved into a wonderful place only 5 minutes away from us. Since then i have been accused of defrauding dad & neglect. I forive them every day as a choice. This us not easy! Ive ask for their thoughts on how we can be reconciled & have not rven had a response. I am very Blessed. I have an amazing family of my own & an awsum church family. My hudband is wonderful. But iver recent weeks i have found myself wanting take my own life because of the lies & deceit ive been subjected to. The wonderful people in my life have helped me to lean on God & kept me going. I don't see any way forward now with my siblings. I am still dads primary care giver as i see him every day excrpt tge ocassions when my sisters visit him. Thank you got your openness & for sharing your heart with us. It somehow helps to know that we're not on our own. Bless you
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Caregiving With Siblings: Resolving Issues While Caring for Parents
Hi I just want to clarify that I am not presently caring for my parents. The are both in their 80's and divorced. My father has a second wife. My mother, however, is very unwell and she lives far away. She receives a lot of home assistance there through the senior living residence where she lives.
I really just wanted to offer my support to YOU - who is doing it. Honestly, I do have so much less than my siblings. When my late Aunt passed away you would have thought I robbed her grave! She left me and one younger brothers slightly more than her other 20 heirs. And she left the lion's share to my father who owns 2 homes and 2 cars, has a pension, etc. My Aunt and I were very close. She was never married, no kids. I was heartbroken when she passed away and spent as much time as I could with her in her final days.
The reaction from my siblings when she left me a "little" more than them was astonishing. They all own homes, property, etc. Since she passed away I see very little of my family. She was the glue that held everyone together. Their petty bickering over a small amount of money (one if them is very wealthy - more than a millionaire) was sickening to me.
I will let them take care of my parents because I cannot afford to do it, literally.
I just want to clarify this to you. The purpose of my comment was to support YOU, and say do not pay any mind to the senseless remarks of your siblings, who seem to have many material advantages. The bickering over money is ridiculous. Are you supposed to take care of your parents free of charge then give your sibs parent's money? It doesn't make any sense. I just wanted to express my support. And don't be surprised if they minimize all the good you have done. You may never get a thank you. They may just think - after all you have done - that you are just waiting for a handout. Seems like no matter how much each sibling has, some want their "fair share" whether they really need it or not. I do not know what is in my parent's will. All I know is I COULD only take care of them if they promised me money or property inheritance. I can barely keep a roof over my head. I could not abandone my own welfare for them. I cannot afford it. The others really CAN afford to to it much better than me. I am happy that your parents had the wisdom and good judgement to see that you were the most able and the most needy and provided for that. Don't let your "luckier" siblings send you in a guilt trip.
God Bless.
I think it is correct that your parents left you the property since you are the neediest sibling who also took care of them.
I have 5 siblings, no property, no husband, no children. I work to support myself and barely keep it together. I had a lengthy illness when I was younger that significantly reduced my earnings and left me with a lot of debt. BTW, none of my surviving family members, including my parents, ever assisted me financially during this period, not do they do so now.
It is a person's prerogative to leave money to whomever they wish. It seems like your parents have made a sound judgement. Not only are you the one caring for them, but you are the one with the most need.
Quite frankly, I could hardly afford to take care of my parents if they did not promise me something in return. I would be living in the street. Your siblings need a reality check.
Teachers think they are so much more busy than anyone else. And then they forget about the school breaks and summers off! Your sisters should be giving you plenty of respite breaks during their school breaks and summers off. Are they?
Does your mother think her do-nothing daughters are wonderful? And does she have excuses as to why they don't visit more often?
And, last but certainly not least -- are you being compensated in some way for the caregiving you do? Does your mother have a will or trust? Do you and your sisters get equal shares? (NOT fair; you should get more!)
I still pray for blessings on them and their families to keep my heart free from anger, bitterness, resentment and blame. I love my Mother and am daily growing in ability to be kind and loving to her. Amazing growth there.
Thanks for the input.
When my husband filed for divorce and married another woman very quickly, I also had to practice forgiveness. This time there would be no reconciliation. He likes to think that I don't exist and even told one of our close friends that I had died in a plane crash! But I have forgiven him feel no bitterness or resentment, and will probably never see him again.
God gives us the grace to forgive. Jesus said on the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." His is a high bar, but forgiveness is the healthiest thing we can do to free ourselves to move on to a better life. You can do it if you really want to get well.
So I really can't complain and I guess my siblings have reason to resent me. But I was wonderful with my Dad and he left this earth very happy and content. I have done a fabulous job of taking care of my Mom for 1 1/2 years. She is 92 very healthy even with congestive heart failure. Probably will live to 95 or 98 - it is in God's hands. Which is where I put my siblings. I really don't care why they hate me so much - that is none of my business.
So I concentrate on what is my business. I try to eat right, exercise, stay healthy, work enough to pay sitters so I can get our to play tennis. I read books, draw strong boundaries with my Mom, and am going to seminary starting this fall so I will be qualified to work as a Chaplain after my Mom goes to heaven.
I refuse to let their hatred of me or these difficult circumstances ruin my life. I WILL survive, and then I WILL thrive. Working as a Chaplain fits my temperment more than being a lawyer did. It is one of the few areas of employment where your age works for you.
Again, I agree with Alcoholics Anonymous that forgiveness is something I do for myself to set myself from from bitterness, anger and resentment. I also work a 12 step program, but not with AA.
Hope you get a glimmer of a silver lining behind your own cloud of difficulties. Where there is life, there is hope.
I thought I had a rough load with my brother but reading trough the stories I realize how incredibly lucky I am.
I'm 47, my brother is 53. I was considered the golden child by my father because I'm more grounded. My brother has never been formally diagnosed but I suspect adult attention disorder of the hyperactive type or aspergers. He's very intelligent, but not focused and has always made rash choices, has a short fuse, and bounces emotionally like a cat who stepped on tape.
My mother was a psychologist and even though I'm sure she recognized he was differently wired, she never placed him treatment. Instead it was an issue that has been side stepped, shoved under the rug so to speak.
Always the phrase, "He is different. Don't worry."
The Sunday before ( my one half day to do my errands and see my guy ) the Wednesday my father was scheduled for his first visit to the pcp whom he hadn't seen in five years, I received a text from him stating I wouldn't have to deal with him for a week.
My father is completely bed bound. It takes physically man handling him into a chair to move him. I'm strong, but not quite that strong. So had to arrange medical transport and get him into a chair by myself because my brother who does nothing decided to fly off to Thailand for a week.
I had to ask my guy for help. Which he did willingly. I also found out he had my dad sign four different checks totally just under 2500.00 before he zipped off to Thailand.
When my brother did finally return somehow by the grace of God and my mother on the other side ( she passed in 2008) I remained calm after he threw a box of his son's toys at me. Stated simply I understood that none of us knew how to communicate with him and that it was time for him to get help. That how he is wasn't bad or wrong, but different and the way dad and I communicate with him is damaging and that if we can get him a coach to help him and us learn how to communicate in a positive way, to organize and find ways to make his life easier then the two of us can give dad the care he needs. Would he be willing to get diagnosed and work with someone who understands him and can be his friend and help him. He agreed. It was calm, simple, and a huge burden lifted.
I still have days I want to strangle him and tell him he is a g@d&mm idiot, but knowing he doesn't do things intentionally or maliciously and keeping that in the forefront helps.
For the first time in my life I've actually been able to hug him and make it a priority to start with a hug and end with one when I have to leave and he is here.
It's not 100% fixed, but we're on the road to being the best we can for our father.
It's rough, but there is hope. Had he not flown off for a week the issue that he needs help would have never happened. As horrible as the circumstances were, there was this major upside to it all.
Who knows maybe in time I'll have him changing dads diapers once in awhile when I can't and actually have a full day and night off!
The point is what I never thought I would be able to do I've found I can do.
It must be a freeing feeling to just forgive, let go and move on..i need this for my health and any possible happiness in the future. If you can do i can too..thanks for the inspiration!
Now I have cared 24/7 for my 92 year old Mom for 1 1/2 years and am doing a great job - she is so happy here at home, in no pain, functioning well, only short term memory loss and the siblings still resent me. The main hostility is from my older brother and his wife - sibling rivalry which was never admitted, worked through or put in the past.
I have forgiven each of the siblings and their spouses for my own sake. I love my enemies, bless those who curse me and pray for those who despitefully use me. Still I DO NOT EXPECT ever to have warm loving or even normal relations with any of my siblings. I have accepted their rejection. They cannot hurt me any more. When my Mom leaves this earth, I will joyfully proceed on with my life as a independent woman, not expecting anything good from the siblings. If I get a thankyou, all the better, but I have no unrealistic expectations.
Better to deal with reality and do the best you can and not waste time wishing people or circumstances were different.
Sometimes I will email or text the 3 sibs who never see mom. She is going downhill noticeably and fairly swiftly. They usually make and appearance and then are absent again until the next call. Nothing I can do, nothing I intend to do.
If mother ever dies ( she's not planning on it) I will probably give my small portion of inheritance to the brother who has done the most. He's been severely impacted financially by mother (and first, also daddy) living there.
This all makes me want to go quickly and quietly on my 80th birthday. (After the party). AFTER having lived alone and independently! (Knowing full well we usually don't get what we want)
Mom has never been an easy person to get along with - she is very energy, highly strung and nervous as well as being exceptionally sensitive. She was a wonderful athlete during high school and played semi-pro basket ball during the WWII at the war plant where she worked. That is where she met our father. They had been married 67 years when Father passed. All siblings stayed in contact when Father was alive - Mom and I took care of him along with hospice and visiting doctors in their home until he passed. I had always thought we were a loving, close family until after father passed. Good heavens - it has been down hill since. My younger and older sister both were sure that Father was not getting the care he should have and toward the end of his life became very vocal and accusing - from calling the abuse hot line and asking for welfare checks from the police. I got things straight with the abuse people and police have not been back since the one visit.
My younger sister is trying every which way to Sunday to make me look the bad guy - Mom's Dementia/Alzh's is getting worse - she is better in the mornings and by evening it is a struggle to get her to bed and pray she stays asleep at night or doesn't wander off. I'm totally exhausted and have approached the hospice service about respite care for me. They are in the process of making that happen within the next week - I've had so little sleep in the last week that I'm very brain fogged and finding it very hard to cope - I have livestock to take care of, a vege garden which I harvest - freeze and can for winter as well I'm an author and I do a lot of buying and selling of antiques - take care of the farm. I do hire some folks now and again to do the mowing and put up fencing, etc. However - I'm having trouble keeping track. Our brother made it very clear back 30 years or so ago that he would be civil but wanted no responsibility of any of it. His choice which I have no problem with. On the other hand the younger sister is being manipulative, lies, tells half truths, lets you assume from her words that she is going to do something and then says she never said that, she said thus and such (sigh). I'm pretty black and white in that what you see is what you get. Thank goodness the sister lives a 2 day drive away and won't fly unless she absolutely has to. I've tried to have no contact with her after she started in on me and the folks 6 years ago now - but it just never stops. I've even consulted a lawyer who tells me she is nuts and to just keep all of her communications in a paper file and to send him the more inflammatory ones. That way if she starts something after Mom passes we will have ammunition to present to a judge and I'm to not engage her in any way. I haven't. Mom would like us all to get along and I would too, but I'm not going to be stabbed in the back and insulted or have my job of taking care of mother 24/7 made harder by my sister. She has no legal standing except that her name is on the deed to the property along with our parents and mine.
I do not see how this can be resolved with my sister constantly accusing me of not taking care of things properly when she flits in and out - then from her home many miles away accuses me of horrible things. I do not need that stress - I just want her to go away. The deed to the farm is a survivor deed so whomever lives the longest ends up with it. My folks 5 - 6 yrs ago went to a lawyer to see how to take both of our names off of the deed because of her actions. It is written too well and unless she signs off voluntarily it will never happen. She thinks I'm behind it and I'm not at all. I drove my folks to the lawyers office and they met with him privately while I waited in the lobby. They told me afterwards what they had said. They wanted me to have the property in exchange for taking care of them. Which is a nice gesture, but I do have my own place. I get no compensation for taking care of them other than the use of the property - they are my parents and did the best they could for me - I feel it is my duty to take care of them to the best of my ability to their end or mine - whichever comes first. At this juncture, I do not believe there will ever be a reconciliation - my sister has done her level best to separate me from the rest of the family. They will not answer any of my letters or call back when I call and leave a message on their phones. She tells me what their reactions are and why and how mother and I are such awful people - that if we had been nicer to them growing up they would be in contact. I just don't get it - obviously no sense of family duty, honor or loyalty. Guess I'm just too old fashioned where those things actually mean something.
Love the article - from it I see that to keep my sanity I will need to have no contact with my siblings which makes me very sad.
Local caregiver sib find ourselves caught between others reinforcing each other, in a belief that leaves our efforts minimalized with the deterioration risks unaddressed - and I found this choice intolerable, in that if I also abandoned disabled brother (after bringing him to live near me), he would crash, be institutionalized, abandoned....so I worked with my own schedule to find time to be involved. I set him up 5 hours away from me, because he needed a simple country setting, and I helped him across the miles, but responded to every impending risk, got him supports. So I was both a "local" supporter - compared to my other family members who lived in a different country - yet also a "distant" one, who made time to interface with his local situation.
I'm glad I did. That brother and I are close now, he knows I made time to learn what he really needed and secure it. After my help for him to live in the community for years, he now lives in a nursing home so my role is lessened - and that has hurt also, for when I now visit, I can be seen as a stranger by the staff - relationship changes take adjustments, that hurt, but I'm glad I've taken breaks, and complained but not broken off completely, for it takes insights time to register, we all see our situation as normal - and from a distance, others don't see it at all!