This resonated so much with me. This situation mirrors the problems we’ve had to deal with. This is the first article I’ve read that so accurately articulates the crap some of us carers and recipients go thru. Now I know I’m not mad. Thank you so much.
Right on the money. I was going to post something today and I didn't think anyone would believe me, so it was actually good for me to read this, altho I feel sorry for the author.
My sister is the toxic one in this mix. My mom has lived with me for 2 years-she is 90 and is mostly okay mentally except for a failing memory but has physical issues and is in a wheelchair. I have to wash, dress, change her colostomy bag, cook, clean, etc. for her. My sister refused to get vaccinated so I did not allow her to see mom except for the window during the height of COVID. (I tried to follow the rules the best I could and keep her safe). My sister said she would call the authorities on me. She is a person who is never wrong, never apologizes, has to get the last word and then get even. And her crazy family believes her.
All I have ever done (truly) is love my mom and try to take care of her. My sister was supposed to take her one day a week when all of this started. It's been 2 years now and COVID has been gone for months. When questioned, she said she works from home (so do I), she has to be on the computer (ditto) and mom has a tv at my house (I wasn't aware she didn't have a tv--of course she does). There was a big blowup yesterday (again) because I asked her to check with me before making plans with mom. Her memory is failing and my sister talks directly with her first, makes plans, and then guess what, there were 2 doctor appointments I set that Saturday which were hard to get. My sister took her anyway. I texted her this fact and she said I was a liar. I said to check her texts and what a coincidence, she said she deletes them (who does that with someone you text all the time?) So next she asked her to a party, my mom said 1:30. She was picked up at 12:15--no lunch, not dressed, etc. I said PLEASE check with me first to confirm. She said she refuses to be "subordinate" to me or "controlled" by me and that I have a co-dependent relationship with my mom & am a narcissist (mutually exclusive, I think). I want to scream. She's out of her mind. Brought up things no one else would ever think of (I'm 64 and apparently I turned the light on in grade school when she was still sleeping).
Yesterday she had a public post on Facebook about her "narcissistic sister" from a group she joined there. All I ever tried to do was set some boundaries and take care of my mom. The boundaries: You can visit any weeknight except Fridays. You can come any day, all day I am home (thurs, friday, saturday). You can take mom to your house ANY TIME for ANY LENGTH OF TIME. I'd LOVE to get a break. But she wants free rein to my house when I'm not there and taken things from me in the past. She lives 10 minutes away. I've never said no even tho she doesn't honor any of this.
I have like 50 balls in the air at once. My husband died three years ago and I still haven't gone through his stuff. I have a full-time job, I have a part-time caregiver three mornings when I come to the city and work from home the other two days. I do EVERYTHING for my mom, schedule wound care, house calls, dr. appointments, cooking, bathing, dressing, meds, and I am stressed out of my mind because I also have my own things to take care of at the house.
My therapist told me to run away fast because she's a narcissist with a chip on her shoulder. She's impossible to reason with. She has to get her way about everything and has no empathy. She doesn't acknowledge me when I answer the door. Now, we really can't stand one another and I still have to let her in my house. That's maddening. She's also told people I have a personality disorder and my therapist & grief counselors said I definitely do not. She said she knows more than them. My problem is HER. I try to set boundaries and she threatens me with sr services, expects to set the rules. Mom loves living here tho. Also told me to give mom a med that could've killed her. Thankfully I did not!
I agree with everything the writer said. If you have to cut someone off to maintain your own sanity/well-being then do it. However, what do you do if the toxic person is NOT toxic to the person you are taking care of? How do you explain to the Loved One (if he/she asks) that so-and-so will not be coming to visit anymore?
Thank you for sharing this, I really needed to read something like this. Over the holidays it is so hard to manage and deal with family drama, toxic family members (my mom) especially with all the "hallmark 'lovey dovey' family movies, Christmas cards, and other reminders of what this season is "supposed to be about."
I have been in very very low contact with my mom (85) w/dementia, depression, a host of other conditions and ADL/IADS limits/inabilities and who I was able to place in a wonderful nursing home over a year ago after caring for her one-on-one in my home for years. As an only child (me 64) w/few if any relatives left living and my mom's POA and health agent, it still falls to be to coordinate with Medicaid, her nursing home and her care team, so total no contact is not an option. But I do what I can to limit things, and direct contact with my mom is blocked on my cell. She can still lave a leave a voice message and I can choose when or if to listed, ditto for any responses which are never call backs, just a very brief typed note to her at the NH. The latest round of messages, is "bring me $400 cash, so I can buy presents for people." NOPE, not taking large sums of cash to a nursing home, and in a note I tried to explain the "Medicaid rules," need receipts so cash is a no go. And who would bring that much cash to a person w/dementia in a NH???? I do not expect her to understand, and to become more unhinged. I will not listed to the left messaged until after New Years when the desperate calls for cash to buy Xmas presents has passed.
My husband is stuck in an anti-drama situation given that his sister and 92 year old mother act like no preparation is needed for her growing dementia that I can see is getting worse. No assisted living chosen, no home care plan, nothing. When I tried to address it 2 years ago I was blown off, mom got angry that it was even mentioned. Lately we tried to get clarity on who is legally in charge if she has a stroke or similar, and again she got angry. I have washed my hands of this. We live 30 minutes away and visit mom at least every 2 weeks, but her "princess" daughter lives 2 hours away and visits every 2 months. The daughter hardly ever visits mom, who feels ignored. Nonetheless, mom keeps treating princess daughter like she is the faithful, reliable one. I'm done. Let her deal with it. This arrogant princess sister tells us absolutely nothing about plans, absences, etc. When mom dies, I am prepared to go no contact with the sister.
Hallelujah!! Thank you for providing validation my zero drama policy. I care for my companion who has early onset dementia. I have no time for drama/stress of any kind.
I wonder if "drama" is the right word for my situation?
I have a sibling who bears 99% of the care-taking work. I could not possibly afford to pay someone to do all that she does. However, she thinks my husband and I are rich and does not hesitate to demand that I buy things, such as clothing, for our parent. She even leaves shopping lists of things for me to purchase when I arrive for my bi-weekly visits. I have tried repeatedly to explain that I am unemployed and we are unable to pay our credit card bill. She refuses to hear.
I have a husband that resents the tiny bit I'm doing for my parent. He is considering divorcing me primarily because, according to him, I am dragging him down financially.
My sibling, who I think means well, frequently gets emotional and shouts over me so that I stop trying to talk. When I tried to explain that I may be facing divorce, my sibling demanded that I hire an attorney on contingency. I tried to explain that it is illegal for an attorney to hire himself out on contingency for a divorce case and was met with a wall of shouting that culminated with my sibling shouting "I'll beat your ass!" Mind you, I think my sibling feels I am being a pushover and allowing my husband to take advantage of me. Apparently, the shouting was meant to be inspirational or something.
My husband, meanwhile, rarely speaks to me except perhaps to complain about the money I spend to travel to see my parent and take my parent to lunch and so on. He gave me nothing for Christmas. Our children are teenagers and he has stopped paying for various items related to high school such as extra-curricular activities, senior dues, club fees, etc. He tells them to "Go ask your mother. Tell her to get a job."
In the last month, I purchased for my parent a small table set, a bed, sheets, towels, rags, a bathroom rug, clothing, movie tickets, food, and more. A few days before Christmas, my sibling called to ask what I was getting our parent for Christmas. I had planned to give a very small token gift, but encountered disapproval. So, I have nothing wrapped to bring.
I am barely providing any respite to the primary caregiver and I feel I am going to break. There has to be a better way to balance the demands coming from two directions.
I cut my 3 siblings out of my life when they murdered my 92 year old father. I took him to the hospital when he had chest pains. Up to that point he had no medical condition at all. They ran him through a battery of tests and the chest pains went away, the doctors decided he had nothing wrong with him, it was probably just his stomach, or maybe the mild AFIB they detected, but they'd admit him and keep him a couple days to make sure. Next morning my brother was there with legal papers that he was the proxy, and told the hospital my father had a DNR (he had a living will but my brother thought that was a DNR). So the hospital started giving him sedatives and morphine and took the sugar out of his IV until he went into shock. I took over and told them to stop all these things until about a week later my father had recovered completely, and I sent him to rehab. After 2 days in rehab he got pneumonia (from inhaling fluids when he was in shock the week before) and there was the same brother "He's got a DNR no antibiotics!!" So he died. The other 2 siblings agreed with him. They wanted the inheritance and killed their own father for it. I cut them out of my life for good, who can forgive this?
Errata: I meant they brought Dad home "from" the LTC not "for." My husband and I have not guilt about Dad. We have done all we can either when their sisters are there or not watching. I snuck him out for yogurt with M&M's, whipped cream and other goodies when he was well enough to go. I would visit when no one was home so we could chat. I would bring him sweets because the sisters keep all sugar and salt away from him. The sisters are all very overweight. I don't know what they are eating but it must be a lot. Dad weighs 140 lbs. They weigh twice that. I know I sound bitter but it shouldn't be this way. We want to express our love without being watched like hawks. We can't get around them.
We have this happening. My sisters in law have totally co-opted Dad. We have no idea of their plans for the day because they have told us or wait until the last minute. This happened at Christmas. They brought Dad home for the LTC and we didn't even know when it happened. They they said they were bringing Dad to 2PM Mass and we assumed it was at the church but it was at the nursing home. We didn't have the time to get there. We are 45 minutes away. At Christmas hardly anyone was there. The atmosphere was heavy and filled with unspoken resentment. My husband and I did not visit Dad at all. It was late. We are going to Narraganset on December 30th. to spend New Year's with friends. We need to get away from this suffocating atmosphere of guilt and lack of communication. It is simply terrible and has affected all the family members.
You nailed it on the head. I've never read anyone so refreshingly blunt and authentic when talking about these types of unfortunate situations. While taking care of my mom and be disabled myself I've had to make radical changes to my life. The most urgent change was pushing back negative opinions and advice from people who never offered anything of value to improve my moms life. My husband said if they never speak to you or visit consider their absence the gift. After 20 years of tolerating their behavior....I gave my self permission to move them from my list of people who matter. Im mych happier.
I am back again to re-read your article, Rick. I thought perhaps my relationship with my brother was on the mend, after a pleasant visit, and now my Mom is doing better, perhaps due to a change in her meds. However, my brother and his "wife" are at it again, and this time the drama is at an all-time high. After again investing time and $$ my mom and I arranged for an amendment to her trust to equally split her investment accounts in order to make things easier for me, as the executor, when mom passes. He has always tried to get Mom to give him part of "his" money early. The hope was, that he will take an interest in investing instead of getting talked into putting his inheritance (of course, if there is any money left) into a home for wayward animals, or whatever crazy scheme my SIL dreams up. Instead of being grateful when we called them to let them know the work was done, he and my SIL yelled at us because we didn't include them in every step...dropping off a draft of the plan with the lawyer, signing the completed document, taking the document to the financial planner. They talked so fast and loud, and interrupted when we tried to talk, that I said I had to go home, and hung up on them.
After I got home, I sent a text to my brother telling him he owned our mother an apology for their behavior, and he answered with a text "f*** you", and then demanded that I apologize to them! They have never done anything for us, but always demanded that everything be done their way, from picking them up at the airport, to the dual POA, and the trust amendment.
He accused US of being nasty and insulting, and threatened to end our "friendship". I said that was fine, and thought that was the end of it. The next day I received a call from a family mediator (attorney), saying that my brother wanted to have this "discussion" mediated. When I looked at her web page, the charge was $250 an hour with 2 hours minimum. She said that he would pay. (He gets Mom to pay for his airline tickets, so why not this?).
The trouble is that he constantly lies, saying her attorney and financial advisor, and accountant have said things that, later, just aren't true. I'm not going through with this mediation, because, in addition to believing it won't accomplish anything, but add more stress to my life, that I'll get stuck with a huge bill for nothing. Rick, I should have read your article again before agreeing to do anything with these people, except settle the estate after my mom passes away.
My siblings and I are caring for our dad who has dementia and mom, who attends rehab 3x times a week as she recovers from heart surgery. They live in their own home and Mom was the primary caregiver, with our help, prior to her surgery.
We've had lots of drama, from trying to understand and agree on what our parents need, to Mom criticizing our cooking and housework and refusing to hire outside cleaning and/or in home health care and/or adult day care for Dad, to being verbally abused and physically threatened by one sibling who "knows everything". He had hardly spoken to any of the sibs or joined us for any family birthdays or holidays etc. for several years prior to this
Unfortunately this is also the person who can do no wrong in Mom's eyes and the only one she will listen to. So if he says we must take care of them 24/7, or Dad does not need this treatment or they don't need this resource, this is it in her eyes. Several of us have tried to have a conversation with our sib about listening and working together etc. but we are all still "stupid and control freaks". One of us refuses to be in the same house with this sib. Several do say "What you are doing is not right. and I am not taking it anymore".
Mom asks about a few specific needs, like who is coming over or taking her to rehab or for help with banking or managing meds .But when we try to discuss a schedule or plan to help her and Dad, she tells us she is going day by day and cannot make any sort of plans. Mom took good care of the family growing up but has never been one to plan anything. Several of us see that a care schedule and use of outside resources would be less stress for our parents and all of us. But sometimes all you can do is speak up and plan for yourself. So I have told my parents and sibs, and put into writin, which days of the week with an overnight I will be there. This includes one of the rehab days. Perhaps trips to the doctor can be scheduled during those days. If needed and with advanced notice, I can switch days or add one. I'm in charge of what I can do and no one else. Here's hoping others will make their own schedules. And when there are days or needs left w/o coverage, Mom will think about and discuss it.
I have been caring for my 89 year old grandpa since his wife and only child (my dad) passed away 11 years ago. He was dianosed with dementia about 4 years ago. He still knows who we are but can not make safe decisions on his own. My grandmother was a ver strong and smart woman. She handled all the finances. Grandpa never took care of any financial business. So, when she died I had to take over the finances. He had to have 24 hours sitter care at home and now he us the skilled nursing facility. I only have one sibling but she would rather help emotional. My problem is her two children who were practically raised by our grandparents. They are never around unless it concerns money. I have been his sole caregiver for 11 years. Making sure his bills were paid, doctor appt, groceries and so on. They made me their POA when dad passed. They are glconstantly saying I am misusing his money but I note everything and have records of all his finances. He is also on Medicaid so everything financial gets reported to the state every 3 months. I document things very well. Working as a quality technician has tought me this. Sorry for the ramble, but why is their always those family members that like to cause trouble. They tell grandpa all kinds of things. I did kick the nephew out of his house because he was taking advantage of grandpas giving nature. Help!!!!!!
Live01, Out of curiosity why is the caregive/EPOA obligated to listen to the other siblings concerns about Mom if she is providing all Mum's care? I ask because (at her request) Mom-85yo has live with me and my family for 4yrs. I have been most involved in her life of all 4 of her children. My siblings rarely saw Mom for the past 30 years incomparision to me/my family (every holiday/birthday/family event was optional for them). Now that Mom lives with me, the other siblings can't get enough of her (well one mostly). After every visit with Mom I get email's or a text regarding issues they feel I need to address regarding anything from her weight to the condition of her scalp. I do not feel I need to answer to them or entertain their 'concerns'.
24/7 caregiving is tough enough without having to address the 'concerns' of others that are not/have never been a caregiver. Obviously I do not know the details of your situtation but just wanted to share a point of view from the caregiver side.
All comments well and good and understandable. What do you do when the supposed 'cargiver' (she doesn't know if she is or not) who is also the EPOA does not want to listen to any siblings regarding Mum's care? Easy enough for her to cut us off but impossible for us to communicate with her any of our concerns. My dog has more rights than my own Mother.
I cared for my bedridden Mom for a year and a half before she passed on, and in general was her caregiver for 18 years...6 of the last I was pretty much tethered to home. My Mom was in and out of hospitals, NH's for rehab, and finally in my home where I cared for her 24/7. My Mom had multiple serious health problems and finally was on hospice the last 7 months. It was the roughest thing I have ever done in my life, and during all this my husband was hospitalized twice, and I had emergency eye surgery and lost sight in one eye that is slowly now coming back.
In short....now that Mom has passed on and I was hoping to pull myself up to some semblance of normalcy as I wish for all caregivers, the MIL has decided to make life miserable. She lives an hour away and my husband's sister lives with her...but SIL is not reliable and often not there. The minute my husband tells her of any plans we have she immediately becomes "ill and dying"....she says the SIL is "ill and dying" as is the small dog...who has been "dying" for 7 years now. This angers me to no end as I just spent years caring for my 93 yr. old Mom who was really ill and died... The MIL is now threatening to ruin our plans for our 25th wedding anniversary that we have so looked forward to. When we got married, we did not want a big wedding and that was fine by my family...MIL went and booked a hall for a reception anyway a month later against our wishes...We did not want this! Her wedding reception got cancelled when the SIL got in trouble for drugs...MIL still blames me for not having a wedding, but it is ok that SIL never got married. SIL is never held accountable for anything. I cannot believe, after all the rough things I have gone through, that MIL would try to ruin something so important to us...but heck, she ruined the time when we got married 25 yrs. ago. I think we will try to continue with our plans...but she always tries to ruin anything that has to do with our marriage or if it involves visiting my family who I don't get to see very often. Monster in Law!
Have brother who spent 25 years living rent free with my mother. When he left 2 years ago the upstairs was left inhabitable , he refuses to clean it even though it was requested by dept of social services senior protective services . The second story ( upstairs ) of the house has been determined professionally to be a fire hazard yet my brother refuses to clean his weekend refuge . The area in question needs to be prepared for a future live in or available for a nurse from the local hospital whom has shown keen interest . My mother is left to live alone ; I am the only 1 of 5 sons she can be honest with. I live only 3 minutes away , my wife ( a gem ) cooks for my mom 5 to 6 nights per week and I pick her up after work to have dinner with my family. Since the house has serious fire hazard risks I never sleep calmly and when I hear a fire truck siren I call my mom immediately ; if she doesn't pick up the phone ; I drive by to make sure the house isn't on fire. It's a disaster waiting to happen. I've had to make the decision to bring this issue to the authorities. This is the same brother who also had mom sign a quick claim deed, transferred solely into his name and his new wife. It a horrific situation . My mom saved my life as I was a very sick baby ; I feel obligated as her son and decent human being to take care of her . The brother who spent 25 years living as a hermit rent free got married. He refused to replace mold ridden carpets on the ground floor of the house where my mom resides . I had to arrange during Easter holidays for my kids and I to clean out the entire downstairs ; I had the concrete slab disinfected and new carpets installed. I wish you all the very best .
I backed away from my brother and his wife... My daughter talked with my brother on the phone, and just mentioned how badly Mom was doing, and seemed to be getting worse quickly. He came down on the spur of the moment without his wife; and to my amazement, stepped up and helped straighten out the messy piles (snow drifts) of papers/magazines/ads/solicitation for charity/etc. He went to her doctor's appointment with me, and we were able to get a diagnosis of dementia and a referral to a neurologist. All with no drama. I believe his wife 'needs' to be the center of attention, and he is so eager to make his relationship work, that he goes along with her crazy plans. He waits on her as tho she is the queen. I'm not sure what happened, as he was on the phone with her quite a bit, but during this visit, I felt like I could actually talk with my brother and we were actually communicating. I hope this is a new start of "less drama"! God bless my daughter for her little chat with her uncle! And my brother, for stepping up to the plate.
Caregiver for Dad last 3 years. We lost him this Feb. Sister down the street has always been contentious and difficult - artist- but in the last 3 years I have come to realize that she is a Narcissist in the worst sense of the word. I have learned how she bullied Dad into giving her things, how she felt that everything that was his was hers, how mean she can be, how she has no boundaries, how she never helped him, how she accuses everyone of what she herself does, and essentially how sick she is. She verbally assaulted him in his hospital bed days before he died, trying to get his things, and then called it an "argument." Her sickness is that she doesn't even see how cold and hurtful she is. I used to try to get along with her, to "fix" it, mostly for him, but in the last years as his caretaker I finally gave up. She never ever tried to help him or me. Often she never even asked how he was. She tried to take advantage. I am very glad to finally accept her as she is. Incapable of the emotions most people have. She has also tried to trash me to anyone she can with vicious lies. She is sick. It took this experience to realize it. I am done with her and glad of it. If this is your situation, don't be afraid to let go of this person. They will only do you harm. And they like it that way, IMO.
We can love our dramatic family members and keep a distance at the same time. I have distanced myself from my Mother and Nephew for this reason. Heartbreaking but God wants us to live in peace. Drama has no place in an already difficult situation. Grandpa is cose to the severe stage of dementia at 89. My mother with her drama and my nephew's narcissistic behavior. Caused so much trouble I thought I was going to have a heart attack from the stress. Grandpa is my late fathers dad. Daddy past away with cancer and shotly thereafter my grandmother past with cancer. I am grandpa's POA. Had to kick the nephee out of grandpas house because he was constantly begging for money and usually grandpa gave him anything he wanted. I have handled all bills and all financial's since grandmother passed. They raised my nephew and he was 23 still mooching off grandpa. Thanks for all those who share their difficult times. Sometimes being in this situation can make you feel alienated.
I empathise with Catlover54, my 91 yr old dad, bowel cancer and secondary liver cancer plus a AAA and other issues is the Drama Queen! His longing for the 'attention' all his life has ensured that none of his sisters speak to each other and until recently none of his daughter spoke to each other? The lies, deceipt and manipulation are extraordinary. He lives in a Cul-de-Sac of 10 bungalows and even plays each resident off against each other! I was his sole care giver 24/7 for 6 months, despite him having a 'girlfriend'.... She wouldn't even be in the house whilst I changed his stoma bag.....? However most people although fascinated by his stories...understand that he is a very complex and damaged by childhood individual. My lovely sister who I hadn't spoken to for more than a decade, now is his part time carer.
I have been a caregiver for my mom for over five years. My wife and I literally rescued her from a sibling, who's children and their friends were exploiting her vulnerabilities as an elderly, short term memory victim. Not only were they depleting her funds and maxing out her credit, but they were also using her residence, free of charge, as a drug taking and dealing haven. Even after a State investigation exposing that mom was a victim of exploitation of a vulnerable elderly person, the stress continues on a weekly basis from her exploiter. Although I have advised her that mom is under medical care, and requires loss stress, that her calls need to be screened due to constant collection agency calls, my mom is harassed by her daughter for not sitting by her phone all day long and waiting for her abusive calls. When the calls are returned, the entire conversation is based on guilt ridden accusations, bogus health issues and horrifying false stories and claims(I'm dying, my foot is going to be cut off, my son's arm got chopped off by muggers,etc, etc.) One of my siblings favorite guilt trip's is about her upbringing and I'm going to be homeless if I don't get more money which is a con to try to get more money from my mom. In reality she is on Government assistance and has never been homeless, but instead, she and her family almost put my mom on welfare with all the funds siphoned, loans unpaid, and credit abuse that was perpetrated against my mom. These examples are only part of the story. You want to talk about family drama and stress while providing 24/7 care for an elderly parent, with health concerns?
Rick, Well said. You have a great constitution to deal with this the way you are. I applaud you for it. Thank you for the insight. In dealing with my family I have been upset that I don't hear from them as I am dads caregiver. But then again I don't have the drama. Ours is minor compared to many so I guess count my blessings they do not put theirs on me. I just get ignored so I guess that is better. My brother is the grandiloquent one or thinks he is (he drives a VW not a Porsche but he will make you think he does)..... my sister is all knowing because she is a nurse....So by your process if I ignore them some of my stress will melt away... thank you and good luck to you. Thanks for sharing.
I've been my mother's caregiver for 4 months now. My hell is just beginning and it is getting horrendous. I don't even know where to begin. to make a long story short, the same thing that Mr Phelps described is what I am living now. He talks about the drama queens, the liars, the one who does nothing but knows everything. My only thoughts now are to get my mother out of the situation and get us both away from these people. This whole thing is sickening and shameful. And to think we are supposed to be family. The younger ones in the family want control. My sibling and I won't give it. It's a mess and I just want to gather my mother up and we both get away from them. Just to give a little insight, I can't get the younger family members together to give my mother her medications correctly. I really need help.
I absolutely agree with you 100% . I am a caregiver and I use to try and deal with the drama and the stress . It doesn't work. Now when I say " NO " ,I feel so good . My spouse has dementia ,Before he developed it everybody made over him at his church .His father was the founder and pastor for over 60 years. But he began to lose his memory and now nobody even calls the house. He grew up in that church .His father founded the church . My husband goes to his church once in a while now ,mostly goes with me to my church . You wanna know what's sad ? My husband 's memory loss can be explained ...but his church members have the worst dementia, because they forgot about him . He's been a member of that church since he was three years old . He's 87 now. .he began memory loss 5 years ago. When dementia happens to a love one people began to thin out like it'll affect them mentally. Maybe it's a good thing ...then you find out just who the drama kings and queens are . Great article Rick, God walk with you and bless you on this journey , You have my prayers. Marcie
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Saying “No” to Family Drama While Caregiving
My sister is the toxic one in this mix. My mom has lived with me for 2 years-she is 90 and is mostly okay mentally except for a failing memory but has physical issues and is in a wheelchair. I have to wash, dress, change her colostomy bag, cook, clean, etc. for her. My sister refused to get vaccinated so I did not allow her to see mom except for the window during the height of COVID. (I tried to follow the rules the best I could and keep her safe). My sister said she would call the authorities on me. She is a person who is never wrong, never apologizes, has to get the last word and then get even. And her crazy family believes her.
All I have ever done (truly) is love my mom and try to take care of her. My sister was supposed to take her one day a week when all of this started. It's been 2 years now and COVID has been gone for months. When questioned, she said she works from home (so do I), she has to be on the computer (ditto) and mom has a tv at my house (I wasn't aware she didn't have a tv--of course she does). There was a big blowup yesterday (again) because I asked her to check with me before making plans with mom. Her memory is failing and my sister talks directly with her first, makes plans, and then guess what, there were 2 doctor appointments I set that Saturday which were hard to get. My sister took her anyway. I texted her this fact and she said I was a liar. I said to check her texts and what a coincidence, she said she deletes them (who does that with someone you text all the time?) So next she asked her to a party, my mom said 1:30. She was picked up at 12:15--no lunch, not dressed, etc. I said PLEASE check with me first to confirm. She said she refuses to be "subordinate" to me or "controlled" by me and that I have a co-dependent relationship with my mom & am a narcissist (mutually exclusive, I think). I want to scream. She's out of her mind. Brought up things no one else would ever think of (I'm 64 and apparently I turned the light on in grade school when she was still sleeping).
Yesterday she had a public post on Facebook about her "narcissistic sister" from a group she joined there. All I ever tried to do was set some boundaries and take care of my mom. The boundaries: You can visit any weeknight except Fridays. You can come any day, all day I am home (thurs, friday, saturday). You can take mom to your house ANY TIME for ANY LENGTH OF TIME. I'd LOVE to get a break. But she wants free rein to my house when I'm not there and taken things from me in the past. She lives 10 minutes away. I've never said no even tho she doesn't honor any of this.
I have like 50 balls in the air at once. My husband died three years ago and I still haven't gone through his stuff. I have a full-time job, I have a part-time caregiver three mornings when I come to the city and work from home the other two days. I do EVERYTHING for my mom, schedule wound care, house calls, dr. appointments, cooking, bathing, dressing, meds, and I am stressed out of my mind because I also have my own things to take care of at the house.
My therapist told me to run away fast because she's a narcissist with a chip on her shoulder. She's impossible to reason with. She has to get her way about everything and has no empathy. She doesn't acknowledge me when I answer the door. Now, we really can't stand one another and I still have to let her in my house. That's maddening. She's also told people I have a personality disorder and my therapist & grief counselors said I definitely do not. She said she knows more than them. My problem is HER. I try to set boundaries and she threatens me with sr services, expects to set the rules. Mom loves living here tho. Also told me to give mom a med that could've killed her. Thankfully I did not!
I have been in very very low contact with my mom (85) w/dementia, depression, a host of other conditions and ADL/IADS limits/inabilities and who I was able to place in a wonderful nursing home over a year ago after caring for her one-on-one in my home for years. As an only child (me 64) w/few if any relatives left living and my mom's POA and health agent, it still falls to be to coordinate with Medicaid, her nursing home and her care team, so total no contact is not an option. But I do what I can to limit things, and direct contact with my mom is blocked on my cell. She can still lave a leave a voice message and I can choose when or if to listed, ditto for any responses which are never call backs, just a very brief typed note to her at the NH. The latest round of messages, is "bring me $400 cash, so I can buy presents for people." NOPE, not taking large sums of cash to a nursing home, and in a note I tried to explain the "Medicaid rules," need receipts so cash is a no go. And who would bring that much cash to a person w/dementia in a NH???? I do not expect her to understand, and to become more unhinged. I will not listed to the left messaged until after New Years when the desperate calls for cash to buy Xmas presents has passed.
I have washed my hands of this. We live 30 minutes away and visit mom at least every 2 weeks, but her "princess" daughter lives 2 hours away and visits every 2 months. The daughter hardly ever visits mom, who feels ignored. Nonetheless, mom keeps treating princess daughter like she is the faithful, reliable one. I'm done. Let her deal with it.
This arrogant princess sister tells us absolutely nothing about plans, absences, etc. When mom dies, I am prepared to go no contact with the sister.
I have a sibling who bears 99% of the care-taking work. I could not possibly afford to pay someone to do all that she does. However, she thinks my husband and I are rich and does not hesitate to demand that I buy things, such as clothing, for our parent. She even leaves shopping lists of things for me to purchase when I arrive for my bi-weekly visits. I have tried repeatedly to explain that I am unemployed and we are unable to pay our credit card bill. She refuses to hear.
I have a husband that resents the tiny bit I'm doing for my parent. He is considering divorcing me primarily because, according to him, I am dragging him down financially.
My sibling, who I think means well, frequently gets emotional and shouts over me so that I stop trying to talk. When I tried to explain that I may be facing divorce, my sibling demanded that I hire an attorney on contingency. I tried to explain that it is illegal for an attorney to hire himself out on contingency for a divorce case and was met with a wall of shouting that culminated with my sibling shouting "I'll beat your ass!" Mind you, I think my sibling feels I am being a pushover and allowing my husband to take advantage of me. Apparently, the shouting was meant to be inspirational or something.
My husband, meanwhile, rarely speaks to me except perhaps to complain about the money I spend to travel to see my parent and take my parent to lunch and so on. He gave me nothing for Christmas. Our children are teenagers and he has stopped paying for various items related to high school such as extra-curricular activities, senior dues, club fees, etc. He tells them to "Go ask your mother. Tell her to get a job."
In the last month, I purchased for my parent a small table set, a bed, sheets, towels, rags, a bathroom rug, clothing, movie tickets, food, and more. A few days before Christmas, my sibling called to ask what I was getting our parent for Christmas. I had planned to give a very small token gift, but encountered disapproval. So, I have nothing wrapped to bring.
I am barely providing any respite to the primary caregiver and I feel I am going to break. There has to be a better way to balance the demands coming from two directions.
After I got home, I sent a text to my brother telling him he owned our mother an apology for their behavior, and he answered with a text "f*** you", and then demanded that I apologize to them! They have never done anything for us, but always demanded that everything be done their way, from picking them up at the airport, to the dual POA, and the trust amendment.
He accused US of being nasty and insulting, and threatened to end our "friendship". I said that was fine, and thought that was the end of it. The next day I received a call from a family mediator (attorney), saying that my brother wanted to have this "discussion" mediated. When I looked at her web page, the charge was $250 an hour with 2 hours minimum. She said that he would pay. (He gets Mom to pay for his airline tickets, so why not this?).
The trouble is that he constantly lies, saying her attorney and financial advisor, and accountant have said things that, later, just aren't true. I'm not going through with this mediation, because, in addition to believing it won't accomplish anything, but add more stress to my life, that I'll get stuck with a huge bill for nothing. Rick, I should have read your article again before agreeing to do anything with these people, except settle the estate after my mom passes away.
We've had lots of drama, from trying to understand and agree on what our parents need, to Mom criticizing our cooking and housework and refusing to hire outside cleaning and/or in home health care and/or adult day care for Dad, to being verbally abused and physically threatened by one sibling who "knows everything".
He had hardly spoken to any of the sibs or joined us for any family birthdays or holidays etc. for several years prior to this
Unfortunately this is also the person who can do no wrong in Mom's eyes and the only one she will listen to. So if he says we must take care of them 24/7, or Dad does not need this treatment or they don't need this resource, this is it in her eyes. Several of us have tried to have a conversation with our sib about listening and working together etc. but we are all still "stupid and control freaks". One of us refuses to be in the same house with this sib. Several do say "What you are doing is not right. and I am not taking it anymore".
Mom asks about a few specific needs, like who is coming over or taking her to rehab or for help with banking or managing meds .But when we try to discuss a schedule or plan to help her and Dad, she tells us she is going day by day and cannot make any sort of plans. Mom took good care of the family growing up but has never been one to plan anything. Several of us see that a care schedule and use of outside resources would be less stress for our parents and all of us. But sometimes all you can do is speak up and plan for yourself. So I have told my parents and sibs, and put into writin, which days of the week with an overnight I will be there. This includes one of the rehab days. Perhaps trips to the doctor can be scheduled during those days. If needed and with advanced notice, I can switch days or add one. I'm in charge of what I can do and no one else. Here's hoping others will make their own schedules. And when there are days or needs left w/o coverage, Mom will think about and discuss it.
I ask because (at her request) Mom-85yo has live with me and my family for 4yrs. I have been most involved in her life of all 4 of her children. My siblings rarely saw Mom for the past 30 years incomparision to me/my family (every holiday/birthday/family event was optional for them). Now that Mom lives with me, the other siblings can't get enough of her (well one mostly). After every visit with Mom I get email's or a text regarding issues they feel I need to address regarding anything from her weight to the condition of her scalp. I do not feel I need to answer to them or entertain their 'concerns'.
24/7 caregiving is tough enough without having to address the 'concerns' of others that are not/have never been a caregiver. Obviously I do not know the details of your situtation but just wanted to share a point of view from the caregiver side.
In short....now that Mom has passed on and I was hoping to pull myself up to some semblance of normalcy as I wish for all caregivers, the MIL has decided to make life miserable. She lives an hour away and my husband's sister lives with her...but SIL is not reliable and often not there. The minute my husband tells her of any plans we have she immediately becomes "ill and dying"....she says the SIL is "ill and dying" as is the small dog...who has been "dying" for 7 years now. This angers me to no end as I just spent years caring for my 93 yr. old Mom who was really ill and died... The MIL is now threatening to ruin our plans for our 25th wedding anniversary that we have so looked forward to. When we got married, we did not want a big wedding and that was fine by my family...MIL went and booked a hall for a reception anyway a month later against our wishes...We did not want this! Her wedding reception got cancelled when the SIL got in trouble for drugs...MIL still blames me for not having a wedding, but it is ok that SIL never got married. SIL is never held accountable for anything. I cannot believe, after all the rough things I have gone through, that MIL would try to ruin something so important to us...but heck, she ruined the time when we got married 25 yrs. ago. I think we will try to continue with our plans...but she always tries to ruin anything that has to do with our marriage or if it involves visiting my family who I don't get to see very often. Monster in Law!
I used to try to get along with her, to "fix" it, mostly for him, but in the last years as his caretaker I finally gave up. She never ever tried to help him or me. Often she never even asked how he was. She tried to take advantage.
I am very glad to finally accept her as she is. Incapable of the emotions most people have. She has also tried to trash me to anyone she can with vicious lies. She is sick. It took this experience to realize it. I am done with her and glad of it. If this is your situation, don't be afraid to let go of this person. They will only do you harm. And they like it that way, IMO.