Glad to have seen this today. It's my 84-year-old husband (I'm 8 years younger) whose dementia and other issues have in recent months/weeks come to the forefront, and I'm struggling mightily to overcome my denial and accept that he probably should be placed in a care facility. Choosing the type, though, is quite the dilemma. I'm more comfortable with a smaller place, but the larger assisted living communities have a devoted following. I've also come to the realization that once I move him, I should move myself to downsized quarters (we rent, do not own a home). While I've spent my entire adult life where we currently reside, my "old-age" plan has long been to relocate to another city 80 miles distant, where one of my daughters lives, and it would seem more sensible to make a single move rather than do something on an interim basis. I'm still in good health, exercise, drive, interact socially, etc.; in other words, I do have a life. For years he's become more and more reclusive and sedentary, and I'm just about the only person with whom he interacts. There have been several falls in recent weeks, and I have noticed a subsequent progression of his confusion/disorientation. I could go on and on, but will leave it there. Suffice it to say that old age ain't for sissies!

Thank you for writing your story. I believe it is not humanly possible to adequately care for a LO with advanced dementia and other disabilities alone. I had the resources to hire home care which I did for a while. This didn’t work out because in his state of mind he just wanted me. Nights were worse. When I heard his walker which was about every two hours I waited until I heard him back in bed. So my sleep was disrupted. With luck and good timing I was able to get him into a SNF with caring people. He is relatively happy, free of pain and I visit as often as I’m able. I bring jelly donuts, his favorite, for everyone. It’s difficult to see the decline from a highly intelligent self made man to what Alzheimer’s has done.

This story could not have come on a better day. My dad is in the hospital and the doctors have determined that he needs skilled nursing facilities. I can’t take care of him and I’m stressing over putting him in a facility. He only has social security so I picked a modest one around the corner from where I live. I plan to visit him multiple times during the week to make sure he is well taken care of of. Your letter has given me a lift that this is the right decision. Thank you so much.

I share an older mom with dementia at 94 years old, living in an apartment...finally agreed with three siblings that she must go live somewhere safe where they can watch her, give her proper nutrition, and make sure she takes her meds... we have been so concerned about her falls, her lack of memory and orientation to her surroundings...

This story and comments have been very helpful! My father was in the hospital for 30 days and is now at a rehab center. I realize early on that I could not care for him, tend to my husband and work ( i have at least 3 more years before I am event eligible for retirement). I am feeling guilty for being as available as my father wants me to be, but frustrated that so much of life has been so disrupted....

Thank you for sharing such a personal story with your readers. There are so many of us caregivers out there who can empathize. The role reversal is scary and overwhelming and I find that reading stories like yours helps me feel less alone in the process. My number one recommendation for caregivers is the book “9 Realities of Caring for an Elderly Parent”). I was truly touched by the depth of sacrifice that Steffania made at will for her Mom. This story not only blew me away, but also served as a call to action within myself. To sacrifice love, career and, in essence, one’s identity for the sake of a parent is the ultimate act of giving back. I emphatically recommend this story to anyone going through this stage in their life. It is really inspiring. Thank you again

It's wonderful to have precious opportunities as this. I have yet to learn to make the transition more efficiently from all these roles to a daughter enjoying Mom. I seem to have to go through a meltdown and back again to 'try it again'. I'm so happy you could do this and hold it close to your heart.

I liked what you said about touring different facilities. Last fall I started doing tours and surprised at the variety of facilities. Sorry for your loss. The milkshake and donut moments are good ones.

Ann Marie, thank you for your update as I have been following your journey. My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family with the passing of your father.

We all try to do what is best for our parent, I know I did what was best for my Mom when she was placed in long-term-care where she stayed only 3 months before she passed. I also had to think about myself, and how I was a senior going through my own age decline, plus having another parent still living in his own home..... he has since announced it was time for him to move to assisted living :)

It is good to hear that you found a lovely nursing home for your father enabling you to spend more time. For others in this same difficult sitaution as you, there are live-in nursing services available around the country. They come at a price, but can offer the opportunity for people to stay in their own home, where they are happiest.