This is exactly what I've had the last few years. Even though the situation is now over, I never really recognized just how off the tracks I was. I dealt w/ every symptom and could not understand what was going on. In my career, I worked as a nurse (retired a few years back from working part-time), but when it's in your personal life, it's different. I lost objectivity, I just knew I was not myself.
I really think I lost myself completely and now have to work to get myself back, whatever that means. It doesn't end when your person is no longer there, you end up with the loss, the grief, the suffering and the guilt to work through, too. You start out one way and years later end up this way. It's just sad for the ill person and the one who chooses to take on the responsibility when no one else can or will do it. I had no one who helped or even much asked how I was except for a few faraway friends. No one gets it till they go through it.

I've been looking after my elderly mother for the past 3 weeks (since she left hospital). She is very demanding, wanting me to be available to her 24/7. She is physically healthy with no dementia but is very anxious, always has been for as long as I can remember. I remember her sending me into the shop to get groceries while she waited in the car because she was too anxious to go in herself. Her anxiety stopped her living life to the full to the point where she did not socialise, work, shop, or travel. She spent her days at home watching TV just waiting for me or my dad to come home and tell her the news from work or school. She did have a couple of friends she would talk on the phone to but that was all. She didn't bother much with housework and as a teenager, I did most of the cleaning and even DIY. She was always complaining about not being able to sleep. She lived her life through me to the point that she would always start a row with me if I was about to go on a holiday. She was very controlling over both my actions and thoughts. I didn't see through her so I accepted her control and did what she wanted most of the time.
Looking back now and seeing the freedom my teenage sons have, I can't help feeling regretful about not standing up to my mother and having a mind of my own. I am now in my 50s and she can still make me feel like a child when she insults me or shouts at me. I wonder is there something deficient/immature in my personality that makes me feel this way.
Anyway, I am now caring for her full time and I feel that I am not cut out for it, either physically or emotionally. I feel resentful that she is still controlling me and I find myself losing my patience with her. I find it so stressful that I am unable to function in other areas of my life. Breaks during the day are not enough as she calls me on the phone (day or night) about the smallest things and even when she doesn't call, I am thinking about her and what I have to do next for her. I ignore my teenage boys and I feel so tired that my own house is a mess as I am cleaning her house every day. I frequently miss meals and feel tempted to put her in a nursing home. But she has said outright 'don't put me in a nursing home' so I would feel I was abandoning my duty as a daughter if I did that. I feel embarrassed to tell you this after just 3 weeks of caring for her as many of you have done it for years.
Sometimes I do find her company and it's not all bad. But I can't help feeling my life is passing me by and I resent the loss of my freedom.

I definitely am experiencing compassion fatigue. I'm past burned out, and I'm having physical problems from the constant stress of caring for my mother.
She has always had a narcissistic, controlling personality. She's estranged from all of my siblings, I'm the only one willing to care for her.
The more ill she becomes, the more she treats me like her personal robot.
She has no concern for my personal needs, or my stamina. When she's ready to do something, she expects me to hop to it! She never asks if I can do something for her, she just orders me around, often just barking one word commands. I often miss meals, or have to postpone necessary trips to the bathroom, because she will suddenly decide she needs some trivial task done. It doesn't matter how many times I explain that she's not allowing me to take basic care of myself, she says she'll try to be considerate, but never makes any attempts to change her behavior.
She doesn't have dementia, she's always been like this, it's just gotten much worse since she's lost her independence.
I'm trying to not get angry, but I don't have any patience left, after being her sole caregiver for years. I get so frustrated, when she expects me to be at her beck and call 24 hours a day. I hurt my back, because she refuses to get a hospital bed. She's still expecting me to lift her, with a herniated disc.
I do not understand, why she thinks it's okay to expect so much from me.

This article showed up in my feed today. I needed to read this, thank you for writing this article, it has helped to ease some of the emotional pain I’m in today.

Ok...I knew something was amiss with my heart. Thank you Carol B, for your article re caregiver fatigue. I thank the Lord that my Caregiver Fatigue does not involve a human....but, rather, cats. I'm a cat rescuer....been doing this since 2006 or so....and I'm experiencing almost all of the listed symptoms. Yes, it's bad....and I do repent of my sinful yelling and screaming at these poor cats...God is my witness, and without my deep faith in the Lord Jesus, I'd have probably suffered a nervous breakdown by now. I need to find homes for about a dozen cats....good, loving homes, but until that day comes, I'm doing the best I can, with the grace of God Almighty.
I was my beloved mother's caregiver and sat with her the day she passed....I'm still grieving the loss of my best friend and mom....it's really terrible....since I lost her, the number of cats has increased. I only cared for 16 house cats and a few ferals....but, today.....I'm guessing I feed and care for, clean up constantly, around 35 cats, inside cats, and outside ferals....and here is my motto: "All I have comes from God, and I give it out of His hands."
This is how I keep going....and yes, I've had so many cats spayed and neutered, but I can't keep up with it! We live in the mountains, and the poor ferals are part of the food chain....sad, hard, but that's the way it is. So, nature finds her own balance, and so it is here.
Thank you so much for your insightful, helpful article....I will continue on, by the absolute grace of God. Being an animal rescuer is tough work....but, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".....Philippians 4:13
And that is how I will continue to plod on! I'm fully aware now that I am experiencing Caregiver Fatigue, and I will take care to watch my words and ask the Lord, day and night, for more grace to carry on! Thank you, Carol! 💖💖💖

I appreciate everyone who has shared their experiences in this comment section about the burnout they've felt and their experiences with compassion fatigue. Although easier said than done, it's so important for the wellbeing of caregivers to also make themselves a priority!

It has been two years now with Mom and no improvement whatsoever. I am the one and only caregiver, no siblings, so this is my sole responsibility. I had hoped for a quality and somewhat joyful existance together, which never happened. I am no doubt the Mom now. The isolation with Covid certainly has not helped. The groups and Church I got her involved in are no longer running. I did manage to join a group myself which is non-existent for the time being. I can deal with that, I have plenty of interests and things to keep myself busy but the guilt of her sadness is becoming unbearable. I beg her to find some joy in something, take up a hobby ....something. She reads and knits a bit but would prefer to be at my side. Watching the sad news 24/7 is her new hobby. She does go for walks on her own from time to time, thank goodness I have a brief moment to breathe. I can now check off all of the symptoms other than 'Impaired ability to make care decisions". That I can still do. Mom is physically fit, other than hearing loss. She can easily look after herself but has become more and more dependant on me and depressed over the last five months. Having some time to myself was an issue from day 1. I have set boundaries and explained my need for time to myself (and to work!), but daily reminders of these boundaries, making it clear "it's not because I don't love her...I just need some space" to her are really taking a toll on me. I totally understand how much she misses my dad and have told her that I am grieving as well, but I cannot be a replacement. A little joy and some laughter is what I wish for, talking about the doom and gloom of the world endlessly is not my idea of living. The negativity is unbearable. Apologies for the rant...today is a rough one! Lack of sleep and day 4 of a lingering stress headache (I never used to get headaches before), is taking its toll. Thank goodness I have visits from my daughters and grandkids, it feels so good to laugh when they are here.

Some of you may remember my blog on this site 3 yrs. ago about caring for my husband Charlie. He is now 86 and I am 84 and, believe me, it hasn't become any easier. This article on "compassion fatigue" really struck a chord with me. The present situation, with our stay-at-home orders in place, has multiplied the burnout several times. I haven't left our home in six months except for 1 dentist appointment and 1 doctor appointment. I don't know how much longer I can cope before I break. I don't have any answers for the thousands of others out there in a similar situation. I wish I did.

Burnout here also. 94 year old caring for 95 year old spouse.  Do have help, Never at right time.  Away from home in a care center she would pass on in a few months.  I'm against a brick wall.

I see no one has posted on this in a while and I just came across it so I thought I'd bring it to the top again.

Compassion Fatigue? Hmm............interesting name. You would think that being compassionate would have it's own rewards and I guess it does for a little while.
But having said that, being compassionate has it's downfalls as well. For instance, if you are the most compassionate one in your family guess who carries the brunt of the family's heartaches?

Sometimes I've thought that it would be so much easier to just not give a whit. But then, I'd be like all the others out there who can walk past an accident and not give it a second thought. I actually have to run to the t.v. to turn it off if I hear them talking about something sad like an animal that's been abused or something even worse. If I stay and watch it I spend hours reliving it in my mind.

I think that it's good to care but I think people who care a lot need to shelter their hearts too. If you are in a situation where you are someone's lifeline which is what my beloved Mother used to say I was, you need to give yourself a respite occasionally. There is respite care for caregivers for a reason. If you are the sole caregiver for someone, make sure you take advantage of it regularly. You can't be there for someone if you aren't there for yourself.

I am FRIED not just burned out

Hello everyone, yes I was at caregiver burnout. My hubby had 2 back to back total hip replacements. And choose not to go to Rehabilitation, to recover. It was all put on me. Boy the stories I have. And I worked full time. I had no help whatsoever from anyone, including his own family. I can tell you it was beyond frustrating. And he is OCD. I’m sharing my story so others never go though what I’ve been through. Never let them dictate who there care is going to go. Take control before any surgery happens. Make sure you as the caregiver have plenty of help. Hire nursing professionals , hire in home cleaning, and get help for transportation needs . All of this I did myself. I never will do it again! I’ve learned my lesson. Remember there in pain, don’t take it personally! There on heavy medication ! They are not themselves! I’m in 2 yrs with my DH and only now he recognizes what he did to me . He’ll never fully appreciate everything that was done for him , but that’s just men. But ladies take my advice, don’t try and take this on yourself. I did and it almost cost me big time. You set the standards for there treatment, because your the one taking care of them. And when you need help, hire it, they won’t understand, or can give you the care you gave them. Yuki

It's been along two years since I posted to the 'beyond burnout' article... after several struggles for 'control' we finally got my mother diagnosed, hired caregivers, and I took over the bills, checkbook, and my brother and I are now working together... soon Mom will be transferred to a memory care facility, which will save her money (home care is very expensive) and save my sanity...I won't have to fill out the 3 timesheets for each month (1 for each caregiver) for the long term care insurance... maybe my poor husband and I can even take a little vacation (whatever that is, don't remember)... Anyway, hang in there, take the best care of yourself that you can... take breaks, even if for a few hours -- we take 'cycle therapy' breaks on our Harley trike - a ride to the beach, or just down the river... anything helps... Still feeling burned out, but not desperate. Hugs to everyone in this boat!

Kwilson -you need to get some help, and looking long term. find a facility for your parents. Caregiving two people is much too much for anyone. Please talk to the Agency for Aging in your area and also social services. Some facilities will take a couple or at least they might be able to be in different areas according to their needs, and visit with one another. 40% of caregivers die before those they care for. You need to look after yourself and get your life back. They need 24/7 professional care. You need a break and to rebuild your life. ((((((hugs)))))

I take care of both my elderly parent's. My mom has COPD, CHF,etc. My dad has Dementia and diabetes etc. I have been their primary caregiver for the past 5 years.. I'm so burned out these days.. they are my parents I can't just walk away..

Just wanted to say again thank you for this article. I’ve been taking care of my hubby for close to 2 yrs now after he’s had 2 total hip replacements. I’ve had to do everything and work full time. My DH would not go to rehab, or have PT come in. He’s OCD so no one is allowed in the house. I was not allowed to even have someone cut the grass. So I definitely know I was at the point, where I just didn’t care. I was drinking too much. He was an alcoholic for 40yrs. 18 to 24 beers a night, caught up to him. But this article is an eye opener. OMG. Why didn’t I see myself or care for myself. Maybe you really go into a zone you can’t see and feel. I’m starting to see a light. Wow. Yuki

Wow great article. That was me and I never knew it, I was passed burned out to full compassion fatigue. OMG. Thank you for the best article ever. A great read. Yuki

WOW!! this is exactly how I am feeling. I had know idea there was a care giving industry term for it! I do not have a quiet place I can go to! I work was working later and later but unfortunately I work at a Senior Retirement Community so, some days I was getting a double dose of emotional verbal abuse. Now I find myself going to bed earlier to avoid the interaction with my mother in law and waking up earlier to enjoy the quiet time sipping on my morning cup of coffee as I listen to the wind chimes and birds singing. My husband seems to be numb to her behavior
and becomes defensive when I express how I am feeling.
I just lost my mom on January 2nd due to Pulmonary Fibrosis(physical)
my mother in law's Dementia, Bi-Polar(mental) is far more stressful in learning how to cope with hourly, daily,weekly!

This is exactly how I feel all the time and I just couldn't put a name to it. Taking care of my 90 year old mother for 8 years and having to listen to her insults and constant complaining day in and day out would drive anyone crazy!!! Even with respite care twice a week isn't enough. If long term care were an option, I would have used it. However, my mother is just so verbally abusive, that no one will stay more than a few hours those two times a week. I just don't know where else to turn.

I’m in same situation. Stroke victim husband with mild dementia of 7 yrs keeps telling me he’s leaving me. He’s going to assist living. So now yesterday I had it after he threw the remote control on TV & stayed I was on drugs. Then went in his room to show me a cigarette butt that is the drug. He couldn’t find it & said I took it. I needed to be tested for drugs. He’s 76. I’m 66. Later that day I came home with brochure of a facility I toured. I told him he’s going. I’m not taking care of him. He goes willingly or I would divorce him & he goes anyway. He refused to my surprise. Thought he wanted out but then cried most of night. Said he was sorry. Doesn’t want to leave me. I talked to him later when I came back from work. After looking over our finances his soc sec & pension doesn’t cover costs of assist living. We’d have to get divorce so he could go on Medicaid. I shocked him going this far with his threats. He knows I could still follow through with divorce so now he’s being pleasant. I don’t know what the future holds. I work full time & do everything. I have the feelings this article talks about. When I think about divorce I feel like a terrible person.

I truly needed to see this article. I am experiencing every one of the symptoms listed and am so frightened of my feelings of anger and hopelessness because we are never going to be financially able to place my husband in an assisted living or memory care facility. We are in the process of selling our home, rather than eventually lose it, and plan to move closer to his daughter who is a healthcare social worker, but I am worried that though this move is her idea, that her very inflexible lifestyle and daily schedule is not something that will provide any additional respite. She has been good about visiting about every two weeks-a 1/2 hr. drive for her, always bringing her two shepherds, and I usually watch them as she takes her dad out to lunch, to the putting range or to a hardware store. She limits her visits to three hours and is gone. Though I am grateful for her attentive visits, it is no respite for me. And now the packing and all that a move entails, plus the big thing of finding a rental begins. My 49 year old son also lives with us. He does provide opportunities for respite when he can, but is trying to rebuild his own life and career so that he can move out on his own. It is all very complicated and I try hard to be grateful for any good moments at all. Yesterday was a good day, with few arguments or little obsessive behaviors or sundowning. I am feeling better this morning.

Could not have written this or described my feelings any better.....went from optimistic devotion to do the very best I can to hopelessness and yes resentment that I have pretty much sacrificed these years my own for someone who could nor would do the same

Now I know what I'm experiencing has a name and is real. I thought I was the only one who felt resentment. Support groups are great but everyone seems so compassionate toward their loved one. I felt like a monster , so I did not share much. My husband was an absent husband and father to our 5 children and I resent having to care for him now. We have community medicaid and he goes to a day program 5 days a week. I have an aide on the weekend 6 hrs Sat & Sun. It took a lot of work to get this in place but it was worth it. Thank you for giving this feeling a name.

Too late. . . I'm already there. Taking breaks, etc. is not enough at this point. I am beyond exhaustion after 10 plus years of dealing with a non-compliant, lazy, and abusive mother. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I have arthritis, high blood pressure, insomnia, nervous tics, and parathyroid disease and cancer in remission. No one in my family wants to deal with my parent because she is a nightmare to care for. She's been "dismissed" from two nursing homes, and aides from three separate home health care agencies have quit and they refuse to place anyone else to care for my Mom. She does not have dementia, she is mean, miserable and abusive. I, like a fool, am killing myself (literally) to keep her as healthy, happy, and comfortable as I can despite her demeanor and her willful non-compliance with every single recommendation, directive for taking medication, exercising, activity, or piece of advice that her doctors, physical therapists, and other family members give her. She will probably out live me. What do you do when you are at the point where no amount of rest is never enough, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is not enough? What to you do when every day is filled with cooking, cleaning, running around, serving, filling prescriptions, scheduling appointments, resolving insurance issues, paying bills, transporting, dispensing medications, disposal of soiled diapers, shopping, changing soiled laundry, and listening to non-stop complaints and raging rants about what you do wrong every day for 365 days a year? And then, working a full-time job, managing your own household, bills, life, illnesses, etc. What do you do, when you can't have one night of peace and rest in the hospital and a week to recover from major surgery because the person you care for will not accept anyone but you to do EVERYTHING for her without throwing a fit, and refusing to eat, change her diaper for days, take her medication, or bathe? This, with anesthetics still in your system, stiches in your body, pain, and concern about your own health, recovery, etc.?

This is a good awareness article. Like comment NoJoy3 said. Self-care is often unobtainable for so many caught in this danger zone. I come to this site to read and identify with the strain of caregiving. For me, however, it is my now 11 and 15-year-old sons. Oldest with a brain injury at age 4 made worse by an abusive father, youngest having cognitive and behavioral tied behavior crisis from a birth injury. I was in a car wreck at 6 months that broke my last 4 vertebrae trapping his head. Something we only learned when the c-section pulled him out with a huge brain hematoma that had not showed on scans. Talk about burnout vs compassion fatigue. It sure does come from a different place when you carried your child for 4 more months with a broken back. Fast forward, its been 11 years with little to no support. I have tried for 3 years to get respite. But in many states, any kind of relief you can't fund yourself is impossible to get, and on disability income, that equals not at all.

I have found that when you have no options to obtain that relief, which lets you choose how to do your self-care, there must be coping safeguards. If you are caring for children that are the source of the drain, and income leaves no ways to get help, the singular option is placing them out of the home. Ending parental rights, how they receive medical care, etc. It's a different picture completely requiring a different mindset to move forward with.

I do agree, the signs of any fatigue are intensely important. I love to hear these stories here of those who had the courage to utilize resources to provide relief. I have developed some coping skills hand-in-hand with my mental health providers who I lean on for objectiveness when my brain is too tired. All my energy went into choosing those Drs, so if the worst comes, well-informed people can make some great decisions, and that includes stepping in if I am in too dangerous of decline myself.

Love reading here and lots of good information to use. And Ms Getnstrong, I will think of you daily and send my positive thoughts. You deserve a sunset of beauty and peace. Worry not its length, but the colors in your personal sky.

Is it necessary to nit-pick between Caregiver burnout, and Compassion Fatigue? It's all dreadfully destructive of the caregiver's abilities to function, and results in desperate need to remove oneself from the triggering environ.
I was very aware of chronic difficulty coping with the stresses of caregiving; used numerous different ways to cope and buy time. But that failed, as did counseling. Perhaps because I had to wait far too long to get relief?
The real help came when another sibling took Mom out of our house; that allowed us the last several years to recuperate; by then, we'd had to retire due to health issues, so didn't have to cope with a "job"....though there's still caregiving to do, it's very different from Mom's care.
But that only means the difficulty was transferred to another person....who is also experiencing burnout now....only there's no other relative able to handle Mom's behaviors; nursing homes laughed in our faces, then said they couldn't handle her either....evidently, it's common for care facilities to turn-away patients with mental ills/behaviors? Families literally have to connive to get their behaviorally-affected elders admitted to full time care.
I've yet to find counseling [several tries over years] that actually helped much. Counseling allowed safe space to talk-out the issues, which is helpful, but offers little solutions. I specifically requested help developing better coping skills, and help breaking the compound PTSD down to manageable...but nope..not helped. It might be just the luck of the draw, finding mostly counselors who themselves needed help.
Those worst hit by this issue need real support, real help learning to cope better.
In retrospect, IF there had been someone to stay with Mom for a few hours per day, who would talk with her and maybe take her places; IF there had been someone for me to talk with, I think I'd have lasted longer, better. but in the whole 6 years of her living with us, only once did anyone take her in for 3 days so we could get away alone, and only because I begged.....the rest of that time, it was 24/7 responsibility, frequent rides, rampages, tirades, other behaviors, etc. to contend with.
All systems seem to work against getting decent in-home care of any kind; the home health workers in our area then, seemed to need to be in a bed worse than the elder they were changing bed linens for.
Also, Imho, it's unrealistic to assume that when one "gets help" for this, that they're OK to go back into that same kind of work environ...it's NOT OK.

I had no idea there was a name for this! Thank you!
In January of last year I began taking my mom to the doctor for leg swelling, but in February I ended up in the hospital with a colon obstruction (cancer). Eight weeks after surgery I went to visit my mom and she was extremely ill. Somehow, with my dad caring for her, regular doctor appointments, and home care, she was so ill I needed to call 911. After two weeks in the hospital and four weeks at a rehab facility, we took her back home on hospice.
My dad showed signs of compassion fatigue while at the rehab facility. I was with my mother all day, and my dad would spend the night. I worked, he slept--I couldn't understand his lack of involvement...he wouldn't even get a nurse to turn her.
Once she was back home, the aggressive behavior began. One time he got mad and left the room when she wanted the bed raised; I arrived to find her unable to breath (in the lying position), and him enjoying a shower. He wouldn't feed her, wouldn't clean her, and wouldn't let me hire help. I would arrive at 7:30 am and leave at 10 pm; when I was gone he wouldn't help her. She died within two weeks.
I've been so angry at him; thanks to this article I now have an idea of what was happening.
Since my mom passed away in June, I've been with my dad almost every day. First it was because he injured himself, and was lost in grief. I helped settle all the legal and financial stuff, thinking that at some point I would get my life back. After all, he isn't in need of a full time caregiver, right? Wrong. I can't take more than two days in a row "off" without him injuring himself, failing to eat, or going into depression. I've explained to him that I need to concentrate on my own health. I need to be able to live my own life (while I can--before he does need me all the time). It doesn't seem to register.
I recently began seeing a bereavement counselor, and have received a verbal agreement from my dad that he will try counseling as well. My hope is that with healing he will regain a sense of self and maybe start making new friends.
This article showed me that I need to take my own feelings seriously--I have had some of these signs! I'm also going to share it with my mother-in-law who has been caring for her husband for several years now. She is definitely at this point. Maybe she will be more open to receiving help once she reads this!

After reading this article and a few of the comments provided I see I'm not alone. My mother has lived with us for the past 12 years. After a bout with CHF and subsequent bypass surgery in our home state we felt she needed to relocate. There was no way I could work, take care of my family, and be driving back and forth for four hours to check on her every week or even every month. She came to live with us and has always thought I owed it to her to do everything for her. After all, she was "sick". Probably after being here about five years I asked her to vacuum our family room while I was at work. It's a very small portion of carpet where she sat in front of the tv all day. Her response was, she didn't know where the vacuum was. I couldn't believe she took no more thought or appreciation for what was being done for her every day. After that I didn't ask for anything from her, I just kept doing and doing. The past two years her mobility has been very poor so I'm taking her food to her on a tray so she doesn't need to get up and walk to the table. Sometimes she looks at it and wrinkles her nose and says she's not hungry.

I have become somewhat resentful. Because of a recent hospital stay she has lost all mobility and barely stands up at all now. I am an only child and have RA and other health issues. All of my mother's care depends on me, so I've been lifting her from bed to potty chair to wheelchair and back for awhile now. I am burnt out, fatigued, and at the end of my rope. She needs more help than what I can muster anymore. I want to get her in skilled nursing, long term care but would be Medicaid paid. That is not an easy task, my friends! I did speak with a gentleman from Oasis Senior Advisors yesterday, and I have to say he was the most helpful person I've spoken to so far. I will be putting all his suggestions in place starting today and pray for the best outcome. I love my mother, but she needs a higher level of care now that I cannot provide. And I need to start caring for myself again and get my life back. I don't want to pass this burden on to my children when I'm older.

Great article. Wish I had read about this a few years ago. I am well beyond burnt out. I don't think there's any return from where I am. Even if there is I don't have the energy to help myself. I've messed it all up. I continually find out great info...after the fact. I really tried hard but it's not enough

I just read my comment from about a year ago... what a year..and you poor folks make me feel like a lightweight. I've had to take over Mom's books, resolve overpayments/underpayments/no payments, apply for long-term care, listen to 'I don't need these people here! I spent yesterday by myself!" (not)... My husband is a cancer survivor, now has issues with post-cancer radiation and chemo effects, but he soldiers on, trying not to add to stress... My mom still treats me like she did when I was growing up...whatever I do is never good enough... Oh well.. I feel a little better now... but still feel like BurnOutGirl...