This is great because it's practical, something I can start doing today. My mom is 96 and in amazingly good health with only the expected short term memory issues (which frustrate her mightily). The problem is she's bored especially with the Covid shut downs. She wants to help around the house but I worry about her hurting herself or over exerting herself (I live with her). Today I think we'll work on a couple of the list items to find things she can do safely and maybe plan a few things she can look forward to as life returns to normal. Thanks!

That is an interesting post, because it helps me understand that not everyone has the same relationship with their mother. My mother would not have answered any of these questions when she was able to answer them. She hated the idea that I could be in control of her life in any way and refused my help whenever possible.

Great post! I'm going to share those questions with my mom...

Just a slightly different perspective. My Mom was widowed very young, with 4 girls and a dairy farm to deal with. She was also very active in our church, including leading Bible studies and being an amazing soloist! You can imagine how many demands she juggled! Her dream always was that when she could no longer live alone (which happened with a fall and vascular dementia combination just after her 90th birthday), she wanted to go someplace where someone else would do everything for her (which is how she perceived the NH where her mother and sister spent their last few years). So when she came to live with us 7 years ago, I focused on all the "make her feel useful" aspects - peeling carrots, setting the table, filling water glasses, etc. She was willing and cooperative, but eventually mentioned that she didn't really want to work any more. In fact, eyes twinkling, she said how much she enjoyed watching others do the work she had always had to do. So I refocused. I remembered that she had been caregiving since she was 9 years old and went to work as companion to a blind lady, then studied nursing and ended up caregiving for her husband as he navigated major depressions and for both her husband's parents throughout their final (and lengthy) illnesses, then helping raise several grandchildren, etc. The thought I had was "this woman deserves some rest! No wonder she dreams of being taken care of!" She has been more than "useful" all her life. So I am working on finding time and ways to pamper her. She won't ask for anything she thinks would require effort, but I get big smiles and thanks when a glass of lemonade or cup of coffee or little special snack shows up unbidden - or when I start playing hymns so she can sing along. And I keep her supplied with word-game books, word-game TV shows, cards and laptop desk for Solitaire, etc. In short, she wants to be pampered for a change more than she wants to keep being useful, and I understand and agree. I tell her how important it is to me to still get hugged by my Mom every day - how many 67-year-old women get that opportunity? Oh, and occasionally, she will make "useful" comments on parts of my decor she thinks could be more attractive. LOL. Adaptations have been made, but she doesn't always 'win' these discussions. :). Anyway, she is enjoying being more ornamental than useful. Sounds like that's not very common, but I thought it might be useful to hear a different experience. And I'm very aware that this probably only works because she is inherently not demanding, and receives my attentions as gifts, and not as "her due". As much as I can lose my serenity over incontinence issues from time to time, or feel impatient when having the same conversation for the umpteenth time in a row, I still feel very blessed to be able to care for the ultimate, lifelong caregiver to the best of my ability, and without it dominating my entire life. It won't be true or everyone, but I do recommend a deep dive into who your elder has been and what demands they may be glad to let go of. They can feel appreciated and loved even if they are understandably tired of being useful.

Excellent post...PLEASE keep them coming..this is exactly what we are going through everyday!