While it's true there are safety risks for seniors who live at home alone, an in-home caregiver can be the ideal solution to ensure safety while promoting freedom and independence. We know that senior independence is a vital component to physical and mental health, so it's worth exploring home care as an option before looking at facility placement for a senior.
Message to Private Citizen - Are you kidding?!!!! You have a home in CA you can sell and you are a veteran? Any home in CA is worth a ton - Sell your home and move into assisted living near a veteran's hospital. I know, you will miss your home and yard. Probably not too much actually if it is becoming a burden . . .
My husband has been able to stay at home most of the time with my care and home health assistance even though he is wheel chair bound. We hoped to get into assisted living and I would be able to stay with him at some point rather than having to put him in a skilled nursing facility. Found out we may have waited too long as his mobility is now such that he needs more than one person to do transfers, and/or the help of a lift. Are there any assisted living facilities that will accept those conditions? He is working on his transferring again of course, but it is not working as well as it has in the past. He is also on Medicaid New Choices Waiver and I would likely have to pay full price to stay with him.
The most difficult thing for me is FINDING and willingly paying for an advisor to help me make decisions (I am competent but overwhelmed with all that needs done) I have let myself be stuck in the idea- as a very independent woman- that I will stay in the little, but now shabby fixer-upper home I love, with a large unmanageable-to-me-now property. Dragging my feet and stressing for years on wanting to complete all the creative DIY projects i USED to do vs going to an apt that will absorb all my SS funds. (I have other savings) ..just now 70 I am failing in health in some ways that I can't fix. I find it difficult to stick to my old health habits, walking an hour a day, doing as much as I can myself. BUT with no family, no good friends here to help me this it thru, stress over a house that truly needs a complete rebuild in CA?..where the building rules are ridiculous? Am in the MIDDLE of finishing a will and hiring a Fiduciary who will act as the Be all and DO all when I really fail. There is a BIG GAP for seniors, I've said it for years, 10,000 Boomers a DAY turn 65, go onto Medicare, but there are NO regular support services, even to have Uber in small towns, or groceries delivered, yet, and I can't wait. I am ALSO a Veteran, choosing to stay near a VA hospital is better overall than counting on finding a MD here (or in many areas now) I see this as a continuing issue, so I need to move NEAR a good VA, where I can also afford Sr. Living type apt. or similar. That means the Fiduciary cost is wasted since I won't be here and need to hire another, there. ugh. So I delay, then fret, then research more, then delay. Just the WORK of moving? I am ready to hire a POD, start loading everything I WANT into it (paying for the help of course) then moving out to short term furnished place, hold a moving sale for everything else here, sell the place and move. I had calculated I could live for 12 years before spending everything from sale of the house. I would be 83-86. I am all for that, my IRAs can make up other expenses...but what If I live a lot longer and use up all savings?? (don't think so) MY DH (amicably div. 25 yr ago) is in a specialty apt- 500 sq ft-$880 month. in the middle of Bay Area.. he walks all over, has friends and activities close by, BUT rents are $3500+ for apts. there now. That is not an option for me (don't qualify unless I become homeless then go on waiting list, as he did). OK I am WANDERING in ideas, but I KNOW we are all doing this trying to do the best thing. KNOWING as others said that we can't control or expect emergencies, just plan the best we can.
Thanks for sharing so much of your life. My 88 mom says she’ll only leave her home “feet first!” Three kids trying to make this work with her dementia, AFib, mobility struggles increasing and $$ shrinking with 24/7 care. Her isolation is so NOT what she wants but has no interest in AL. Reality has (learning from others) finally moved us forward in identifying area AL communities. The stress, worry, caregiver juggling and declining of health of all 3 kids (60+ yrs old) has taken its toll.
It is amazing how old patterns (don’t make mom mad; you kids really don’t know what’s happening; always avoid touchy subjects & don’t talk about problems) linger in family relationships!
Hoping for a big improvement in mom’s care and social interaction and happiness. Thanks for warning that this will take months, likely, and better quality of life will be outcome for all members of family!
Appreciating the insights and variety of experiences!
The planning piece is key. My in-laws refused to even discuss leaving their home of 50 years when my fil was starting to fail (my husband had actually tried to get them to make a transition for years and they got angry). The house was small and very shabby. It would never have been suitable for in home care. Finally fil went into the hospital and did not come out. My mil returned to her home, but was scared and lonely. We moved her to a nice, new, retirement community and low and behold she loved it and made many friends (she's now in skilled nursing). Of course this meant that my husband had to take on the job he'd dreaded which was to empty (hoarding galore) an old house and sell it, move someone across state, etc. It took a toll of his health and his employment and would have been far easier to plan out and transition into several years before. Several of our friends and family are dealing with the same thing with their ill and aging parents in their 80s - refusing to move or even discuss anything. And all of this falls on adult children who must interrupt and drop their life due to lack of planning. I realize sometimes things happen out of our control, but not preparing is just selfish imo.
My husband and I having been through 10 years and counting of elder care needs and with no children, we are already thinking and planning in our 50s. We've moved for jobs, don't live near any of our fairly small family and our good friends are scattered throughout the US and beyond.
We are thinking of our next phase as an adventure. Phase 1 will be traveling and perhaps being expats until we are in our 70s and then moving to a retirement community w/ plans for care. Most important to me is health and vitality. I've seen the effects first hand of living longer but aging badly. Being cared for in skilled nursing is - not- something I want. I'm hoping that over the next decade or so, we'll have more control, like a few states already, over at what point we plan to leave this world. I told my husband, I want to spend the money now and over the coming years to achieve optimal health, rather than huge amounts of $$ that I've seen spent during the final years of our elderly parent's lives. To be kept alive on multiple drugs to lie in bed and have someone else change, bath and feed me, unable to speak, is just awful.
Plan now as best you can. I almost think we "orphans" (terrible term) are fortunate in that we've never had the expectation that someone will be there to help.
I think we look at Aging from the bottle half empty instead of the bottle half full.
We all know that Aging, Disease due to Aging, and Death are all unavoidable and there is no preparation for it, no matter how successful or how much money you had during your lifetime. If you worked hard, you should accept any help provided to you to live out your life with dignity. But lets face it, it all comes with a price.
I was once a Disaster Recovery Planner during my Career and there was no disaster that anyone, no matter how much money, how much time, how much planning or how many resources provided that would help adequately maintain the business or recover it guaranteed 100%.
We can choose to look at our life situations from the glass half full though.
Make sure you and your loved ones have their reservations made to live eternity with our Creator God. That is His purpose and it should be ours. It’s obvious that staying on earth or taking the physical things with us when we die, are not options.
During your lifetime, make sure you are having good relationships and are helping people, especially those who are close to you because there are consequences, good or bad to everything we do. Let’s say Jim was a wonderful spouse, parent, and friend. He helped the needy whenever possible. We can say that most likely Jims aging, though met with challenges, will come with a more clearer conscience than not. He will live in peace and probably die in peace as well no matter where his death occurs.
Why not accept that you will potentially outlive most of your relationships and you will die alone at some point in time? There is no perfect option for Aging no matter how much you plan or how much money you made during your lifetime.
My Aging Mother had this new saying when she could talk and that is, “It is, what it is”. She can hardly speak a word now but her spirit will live on in the memories of those she touched and that is the best investment one could ever make.
I am 77 as is my wife. 13 years ago, we lost everything. I was forced into early retirement at age 60, as I had to accept disability. The last of our 401K bought a good bankruptcy lawyer, who guided us through Federal Bankruptcy Court, as we were able to keep our mortgaged home & our two old vehicles. The home of 25 years went into foreclosure after three medical life threatening diseases, 2 of them emergency. We were evicted while I was still having surgical repairs on damage done to my rectal wall by radiation treatments. We are still here, living month to month, praying that we can stay away from anything "medical". We rarely leave our apartment, as the one old vehicle has a series of problems that need to be fixed. It's still safe to drive around town, but very expensive to keep. We read a lot, and can still afford cable channels that carry baseball. Our children are all grown & paying taxes, working most of the time, as do our grandkids. We have managed to pay ahead for our funerals. I can still manage choirs and some outside plants, and care for a kitty. The internet has been highly useful in helping us stay informed and entertained, plus we stay daily active in learning experiences. All mostly free.
Geewiz's opening statement sums it up for me. I am fit, healthy, active, still working and have a nice house and yard in a lovely neighborhood with neighbors I love....BUT....no way do I want to be responsible, once I retire, for this too large ... for me and my needs and wants...house (ironically, probably half the size of typical baby boomer McMansions) and yard....
My Mom OTOH was able to stay, socially active and the "energizer bunny", w/CG help the last 2 years, in her lovely beachfront condo in SW FL....until almost 91YO....NOW THAT WAS AGING IN PLACE! And, it was a d*mn good long run!
I vividly remember walking w/her on the beach at sunset when she was 89YO...she had just been dx'd w/MCI but, she swore she would NEVER, EVER leave that beautiful place....no matter what....and, frankly, on the beach during sunset, in front of her condo.....it was an argument I knew I could never win.
Fast forward thru a few years of trauma, hell, hired CG's, falls, breaks, surgeries, rehab, every communicable disease in rehab, antibiotic-resistant UTI's and MCI progressing into full-blown dementia....Mom is now 94+YO and happy as a clam in a beautiful small ALF near all her many friends who visit.....although she still recognizes all her family and friends, she has not remembered that lovely condo on the beach that she would "never leave" since the first traumatic fall , breaks and surgeries, nearly 3 years ago!!! WOW....did I learn from this multi-year experience!
My Mom's ALF is small, lovely and part of a larger, 55+YO IL community. It's on a beautiful lake with fountains, surrounded by incredible butterfly gardens, sculptures, benches, pool, spa area.....There is a marvelous community center where, among other things, association w/a local college offers a schedule of courses in life-long learning opportunities, and there is an incredible 5 star restaurant that's packed every time I bring Mom. Many of the members of the 55 +YO community volunteer in the gardens or teaching many of the classes and activities at the ALF.....that is a life I could embrace in "retirement". I will be asking about available condo's next time I'm down there to visit Mom (Mother's Day).
As a woman widowed young, no kids and never remarried, I've never had any qualms about taking care of myself, but I love the idea that I would only have to move once....from my "too big for me" house and yard to a lovely, smaller condo in this wonderful community. Once you are part of the IL community, you can move move directly to ALF when needed, and even in-house hospice, eventually. I love this concept, especially when very well-executed, as in my Mom's community. Yesss...I do believe need for these communities will grow....we Boomers aren't getting younger.....but, hopefully, we are getting smarter about our own "aging" needs, wants and options!
My dad died 18 months ago at 95 and my mom came to live with my husband and I. She had mild dementia at the time which worsened quickly after losing my dad. We could not get her to bathe or go out of the house. She just sat and stared out f the window all day and would only get up to use the bathroom. Finally we took the advice of her family physician and moved her into the memory care unit at an assisted living community just 3 miles from us. What a relief. She was pretty upset and confused for 2 or 3 months but after that she adjusted quickly. There are activities going on all day that she can join in or just watch. She has a roommate she has become very attached to and she loves her little unit. She has an accessible bathroom, a little kitchen, a sitting area with a tv. My daughter and I take turns so that she gets a family visit every day even if it's just for an hour. She's going to the salon weekly to have her hair done and eats all her meals in the restaurant style dining room. She still forgets that my dad is gone at times and she isn't always completely clear about where she is but her overall attitude is so much more positive and cheerful.
All in all the whole family sees a huge improvement in her mood and to some degree, in her memory skills. It was so difficult in the beginning but after 13 months we have no regrets. The biggest thing I learned was, that if at all possible, find a place near family members for them to live..
Yes, this property is his dream. He has his little storage buildings with tools, lawn mower, truck with trailer, bird houses, squirrel community, and room to tinker around all day. It's a nice place, but too large for a man approaching 79 to be responsible for. Plus, the expenses never stop and this stressed my dad out. He likes to pay cash and worries about bills a lot.
They recently had to replace a furnace and have some plumbing work done. Now they need to have a ceramic tile shower replaced, driveway paved, porch repaired-it's sinking, deck repaired, and many trees cut down. That's pretty pricey and there is no end in sight for the upkeep of this property. Plus the taxes.
I'm in my 50's and I have a house elsewhere. I'm considering selling it and buying something smaller and in a retirement community near my office, though, I doubt I will ever retire. lol
It's the hard thing, Sunny. For many, the house was their dream that they built over the years. It is hard to let the dream go even when it stops being a dream.
My parents are in their 70's and my mom is considering a move to downsize. My dad, not so much.
They have somewhat of a family compound with an adult son living on one side of them and an adult grandchild with his young child living on the other side. I live with them for now, but I have my own house elsewhere. It's rural, with some woods, garden space and lots of lawn. My dad prides himself in maintaining much of it and I can't envision him letting it go. The one thing that he enjoys more is social interaction. He loves talking with old friends, church friends, and travel. So, I hope I'm going to be able to get him on board to downsize to a new retirement community located in their town. It's in a nice and safe neighborhood and near their doctor, hospital, pharmacy, banks and shops. It will take a lot to leave the house that he built in 1968, but I hope he will eventually see that it would be a good thing. He can't keep up the property forever.
Here in northern Virginia active 55+ communities are popping up all over the place, so that tells me there is trend going on. Two of my cousins, who are in their 70's have made the move to such communities in their States.
I tried to get my parents [who were in their 90's] to get out of their house with all those stairs, but a team of wild horses wouldn't budge them. Or so I thought....
My Mom recently passed, and 2 weeks later my Dad said he wanted to look at Assisted Living. He wanted out of that house. Turns out Dad was scared of the stairs even with a Caregiver helping him. Before the caregivers were on-site [Mom refused Caregivers], he and Mom would help each other up and down the stairs, and they had a few falls, which I learned after the fact. It was Mom who didn't want to move.
I took Dad to see Sunrise Senior Living, and as soon as he walked through the front door and saw the really great lobby, he said "where do I sign?". He's happy as a clam living there in his large one-level apartment, and now I can breathe... whew. Now when the phone rings, I'm not jumping out of my skin. My parent's house had aged me 20 years over the past 7 years !!
Dad is so glad not to worry about shoveling snow, as Mom would have him out there shoveling in his 90's.... no worry about lawn care.... if there is a bad storm, no worry about the power going out. He likes his privacy yet he doesn't feel alone as the Staff there is fantastic. Yes, there is a cost, but he and Mom had saved for these "rainy days", and it is storming out there, thank goodness he has enough to tie him over for many years.
John, in the instance of the man in your story I think that assisted living is the way to go. The only other option I see is hiring a full-time caregiver. The trouble with houses is that they usually aren't designed for people with certain limitations. Steps or narrow doorways are not problems for people when they are younger, but become hurdles to work through each day for people as mobility changes. There is also isolation that happens when someone hunkers down in the familiar place.
Some people consider having one of their children move in. But really, is it fair to ask one child to give up so much to avoid the inconvenience of moving? It is like asking someone to potentially ruin their own lives for the sake of being more comfortable. I could personally not ask that of anyone.
I believe there will be a day when people view moving into a retirement community as a normal part of life. It makes more sense than trying to scotch tape a life together requiring so much sacrifice from others. It also allows a person to remain more independent, since they aren't having to depend on others to do for them.
The only obstacle I see in community living is the escalating cost of elder communities in the US. The way that costs are going, typical people will not be able to afford community living for the length of time that they need them. I think that this is the main push behind the "aging in place" movement. I've always wondered why elders pay so much more than younger people for the same types of places.
Personally, I am lost as to why everyone wants to 'age in place'. When my Mom was just short of her 90th birthday I urged her to move out of her 4 room apt in a 4 apt private home. It was in a city and the streets were hard to walk, roads and sidewalks were rarely shoveled keeping her indoors for a good chunk of winter; and the supermarkets near her had closed down and she had to take a bus to get groceries and then walk. This was not the place where I was raised but she had been there 30 years. She was familiar with it and thought she had friends - and she did. BUT residents in the area didn't have finances to do senior trips or activities. In hindsight, she 'wasted' too many years there.
So she moved to the independent side of a continuing care community. WOW did her life change. ALL level walking paths, beautiful and safe grounds, bus service from her door to just about everything she would want to get to. AND a list of activities that didn't stop. As I anticipated, within a few months, I couldn't get in touch with her as she was always on the run. Always with others. Day trips, theater, volunteer opportunities on the campus, entertainment etc.
When the time came, I did move her out of that facility to an Assisted living place near me despite there being one in the continuing care community. The one near me allowed me to visit daily and had a better reputation.
I have been VERY involved in caregiving for 5 people. I have learned a LOT - more than I wanted to know about the subject. I have helped move a 96 year old new widow out of her home of 50+ years. Her idea! The house had her original mattress, TVs that didn't work, sofas with springs popping through, etc. She thrived in her new place, with her new furniture. She got meals that were nutritious in her independent community and made new friends.
I can't convince my spouse to move to an active adult community. I WANT the lifestyle they offer. Yes, I have a good life and I am active wher eI have lived for 30 years. But I have enough experience to know that full attics and basements, large yards and extra bedrooms are locking me into house cleaning I'd rather not do. We don't have children and between statistics and my spouse's health I realize there is an excellent chance that I will be the surviving spouse. I don't WANT to clean up the accumulations we've made. I don't WANT to move by myself and have to make friends at 'the new widow'. I want to enjoy an easier lifestyle.
To sum it all up -- downsize and move while you can. Make new friends and to me THAT is the ultimate control. Choosing for yourself.
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Is Aging in Place Always the Best Option for Seniors?
Reality has (learning from others) finally moved us forward in identifying area AL communities. The stress, worry, caregiver juggling and declining of health of all 3 kids (60+ yrs old) has taken its toll.
It is amazing how old patterns (don’t make mom mad; you kids really don’t know what’s happening; always avoid touchy subjects & don’t talk about problems) linger in family relationships!
Hoping for a big improvement in mom’s care and social interaction and happiness. Thanks for warning that this will take months, likely, and better quality of life will be outcome for all members of family!
Appreciating the insights and variety of experiences!
My husband and I having been through 10 years and counting of elder care needs and with no children, we are already thinking and planning in our 50s. We've moved for jobs, don't live near any of our fairly small family and our good friends are scattered throughout the US and beyond.
We are thinking of our next phase as an adventure. Phase 1 will be traveling and perhaps being expats until we are in our 70s and then moving to a retirement community w/ plans for care. Most important to me is health and vitality. I've seen the effects first hand of living longer but aging badly. Being cared for in skilled nursing is - not- something I want. I'm hoping that over the next decade or so, we'll have more control, like a few states already, over at what point we plan to leave this world. I told my husband, I want to spend the money now and over the coming years to achieve optimal health, rather than huge amounts of $$ that I've seen spent during the final years of our elderly parent's lives. To be kept alive on multiple drugs to lie in bed and have someone else change, bath and feed me, unable to speak, is just awful.
Plan now as best you can. I almost think we "orphans" (terrible term) are fortunate in that we've never had the expectation that someone will be there to help.
We all know that Aging, Disease due to Aging, and Death are all unavoidable and there is no preparation for it, no matter how successful or how much money you had during your lifetime. If you worked hard, you should accept any help provided to you to live out your life with dignity. But lets face it, it all comes with a price.
I was once a Disaster Recovery Planner during my Career and there was no disaster that anyone, no matter how much money, how much time, how much planning or how many resources provided that would help adequately maintain the business or recover it guaranteed 100%.
We can choose to look at our life situations from the glass half full though.
Make sure you and your loved ones have their reservations made to live eternity with our Creator God. That is His purpose and it should be ours. It’s obvious that staying on earth or taking the physical things with us when we die, are not options.
During your lifetime, make sure you are having good relationships and are helping people, especially those who are close to you because there are consequences, good or bad to everything we do. Let’s say Jim was a wonderful spouse, parent, and friend. He helped the needy whenever possible. We can say that most likely Jims aging, though met with challenges, will come with a more clearer conscience than not. He will live in peace and probably die in peace as well no matter where his death occurs.
Why not accept that you will potentially outlive most of your relationships and you will die alone at some point in time? There is no perfect option for Aging no matter how much you plan or how much money you made during your lifetime.
My Aging Mother had this new saying when she could talk and that is, “It is, what it is”. She can hardly speak a word now but her spirit will live on in the memories of those she touched and that is the best investment one could ever make.
We are still here, living month to month, praying that we can stay away from anything "medical". We rarely leave our apartment, as the one old vehicle has a series of problems that need to be fixed. It's still safe to drive around town, but very expensive to keep. We read a lot, and can still afford cable channels that carry baseball. Our children are all grown & paying taxes, working most of the time, as do our grandkids.
We have managed to pay ahead for our funerals.
I can still manage choirs and some outside plants, and care for a kitty. The internet has been highly useful in helping us stay informed and entertained, plus we stay daily active in learning experiences. All mostly free.
My Mom OTOH was able to stay, socially active and the "energizer bunny", w/CG help the last 2 years, in her lovely beachfront condo in SW FL....until almost 91YO....NOW THAT WAS AGING IN PLACE! And, it was a d*mn good long run!
I vividly remember walking w/her on the beach at sunset when she was 89YO...she had just been dx'd w/MCI but, she swore she would NEVER, EVER leave that beautiful place....no matter what....and, frankly, on the beach during sunset, in front of her condo.....it was an argument I knew I could never win.
Fast forward thru a few years of trauma, hell, hired CG's, falls, breaks, surgeries, rehab, every communicable disease in rehab, antibiotic-resistant UTI's and MCI progressing into full-blown dementia....Mom is now 94+YO and happy as a clam in a beautiful small ALF near all her many friends who visit.....although she still recognizes all her family and friends, she has not remembered that lovely condo on the beach that she would "never leave" since the first traumatic fall , breaks and surgeries, nearly 3 years ago!!! WOW....did I learn from this multi-year experience!
My Mom's ALF is small, lovely and part of a larger, 55+YO IL community. It's on a beautiful lake with fountains, surrounded by incredible butterfly gardens, sculptures, benches, pool, spa area.....There is a marvelous community center where, among other things, association w/a local college offers a schedule of courses in life-long learning opportunities, and there is an incredible 5 star restaurant that's packed every time I bring Mom. Many of the members of the 55 +YO community volunteer in the gardens or teaching many of the classes and activities at the ALF.....that is a life I could embrace in "retirement". I will be asking about available condo's next time I'm down there to visit Mom (Mother's Day).
As a woman widowed young, no kids and never remarried, I've never had any qualms about taking care of myself, but I love the idea that I would only have to move once....from my "too big for me" house and yard to a lovely, smaller condo in this wonderful community.
Once you are part of the IL community, you can move move directly to ALF when needed, and even in-house hospice, eventually. I love this concept, especially when very well-executed, as in my Mom's community. Yesss...I do believe need for these communities will grow....we Boomers aren't getting younger.....but, hopefully, we are getting smarter about our own "aging" needs, wants and options!
All in all the whole family sees a huge improvement in her mood and to some degree, in her memory skills. It was so difficult in the beginning but after 13 months we have no regrets. The biggest thing I learned was, that if at all possible, find a place near family members for them to live..
They recently had to replace a furnace and have some plumbing work done. Now they need to have a ceramic tile shower replaced, driveway paved, porch repaired-it's sinking, deck repaired, and many trees cut down. That's pretty pricey and there is no end in sight for the upkeep of this property. Plus the taxes.
I'm in my 50's and I have a house elsewhere. I'm considering selling it and buying something smaller and in a retirement community near my office, though, I doubt I will ever retire. lol
They have somewhat of a family compound with an adult son living on one side of them and an adult grandchild with his young child living on the other side. I live with them for now, but I have my own house elsewhere. It's rural, with some woods, garden space and lots of lawn. My dad prides himself in maintaining much of it and I can't envision him letting it go. The one thing that he enjoys more is social interaction. He loves talking with old friends, church friends, and travel. So, I hope I'm going to be able to get him on board to downsize to a new retirement community located in their town. It's in a nice and safe neighborhood and near their doctor, hospital, pharmacy, banks and shops. It will take a lot to leave the house that he built in 1968, but I hope he will eventually see that it would be a good thing. He can't keep up the property forever.
I tried to get my parents [who were in their 90's] to get out of their house with all those stairs, but a team of wild horses wouldn't budge them. Or so I thought....
My Mom recently passed, and 2 weeks later my Dad said he wanted to look at Assisted Living. He wanted out of that house. Turns out Dad was scared of the stairs even with a Caregiver helping him. Before the caregivers were on-site [Mom refused Caregivers], he and Mom would help each other up and down the stairs, and they had a few falls, which I learned after the fact. It was Mom who didn't want to move.
I took Dad to see Sunrise Senior Living, and as soon as he walked through the front door and saw the really great lobby, he said "where do I sign?". He's happy as a clam living there in his large one-level apartment, and now I can breathe... whew. Now when the phone rings, I'm not jumping out of my skin. My parent's house had aged me 20 years over the past 7 years !!
Dad is so glad not to worry about shoveling snow, as Mom would have him out there shoveling in his 90's.... no worry about lawn care.... if there is a bad storm, no worry about the power going out. He likes his privacy yet he doesn't feel alone as the Staff there is fantastic. Yes, there is a cost, but he and Mom had saved for these "rainy days", and it is storming out there, thank goodness he has enough to tie him over for many years.
Some people consider having one of their children move in. But really, is it fair to ask one child to give up so much to avoid the inconvenience of moving? It is like asking someone to potentially ruin their own lives for the sake of being more comfortable. I could personally not ask that of anyone.
I believe there will be a day when people view moving into a retirement community as a normal part of life. It makes more sense than trying to scotch tape a life together requiring so much sacrifice from others. It also allows a person to remain more independent, since they aren't having to depend on others to do for them.
The only obstacle I see in community living is the escalating cost of elder communities in the US. The way that costs are going, typical people will not be able to afford community living for the length of time that they need them. I think that this is the main push behind the "aging in place" movement. I've always wondered why elders pay so much more than younger people for the same types of places.
So she moved to the independent side of a continuing care community. WOW did her life change. ALL level walking paths, beautiful and safe grounds, bus service from her door to just about everything she would want to get to. AND a list of activities that didn't stop. As I anticipated, within a few months, I couldn't get in touch with her as she was always on the run. Always with others. Day trips, theater, volunteer opportunities on the campus, entertainment etc.
When the time came, I did move her out of that facility to an Assisted living place near me despite there being one in the continuing care community. The one near me allowed me to visit daily and had a better reputation.
I have been VERY involved in caregiving for 5 people. I have learned a LOT - more than I wanted to know about the subject. I have helped move a 96 year old new widow out of her home of 50+ years. Her idea! The house had her original mattress, TVs that didn't work, sofas with springs popping through, etc. She thrived in her new place, with her new furniture. She got meals that were nutritious in her independent community and made new friends.
I can't convince my spouse to move to an active adult community. I WANT the lifestyle they offer. Yes, I have a good life and I am active wher eI have lived for 30 years. But I have enough experience to know that full attics and basements, large yards and extra bedrooms are locking me into house cleaning I'd rather not do. We don't have children and between statistics and my spouse's health I realize there is an excellent chance that I will be the surviving spouse. I don't WANT to clean up the accumulations we've made. I don't WANT to move by myself and have to make friends at 'the new widow'. I want to enjoy an easier lifestyle.
To sum it all up -- downsize and move while you can. Make new friends and to me THAT is the ultimate control. Choosing for yourself.