Depending on the culture of your workplace, you may be able to start a support group there, say once a month or every other week on a specific day for lunch. You will need an educated moderator. If your supervisor and/or HR is agreeable (and they SHOULD be considering the productivity loss outcomes without assistance) you will need to find a qualified eldercare moderator. Once you get to that stage I could help with suggestions.
freqflyer - Yes, I can empathize, yet there are methods to help an elder "buy into" getting assistance at home. I'll get to those elders without dementia but first for those with dementia, an assessment by a GCM is still something I would recommend to be done first.
Caregiving agencies usually do not have the experience one requires to make an educated assessment. I say this as someone who worked in caregiving agencies for 8 years; if it were not for my many years of experience and advanced education in eldercare, I would not take it upon myself to perform an assessment on an older adult with dementia. Keep in mind many people will say they can, often to get you to move the older adult into a community, but you need an independent professional. After the assessment you may find the best solution is moving to a community that specializes in dementia. While that is never easy, it can be done and often must be done for the safety of the elder and others.
For older adults that do not suffer from dementia and are resistant to help in the home (which, in my experience, is 99% of them) starting to introduce someone slowly, if possible, can help. I've often started with having the elder to agree to a little assistance for laundry and cleaning. Wash machines are often in the basement and the stairs are risky. Falling is the beginning of bad news - fall, hospital, rehab in nursing home, then home again. If you share with the elder that this will be the process if they fall, they may accept a little help with "cleaning."
All this time, of course, a good caregiving will become friendly with the elder and eventually you will find they accept more hours for transportation, appointments, helping put up the holiday decorations and the like. Believe me when I say I KNOW how difficult this is, but understanding the personality of the elder along with the family dynamic is key to coming up with a solution. I've made some suggestions, but without understanding the person and the dynamic, that's all I can offer right now.
Some elders respond better to a certain adult child than another. It takes some thought. Each person may require a different "tactic" to keep them safe and without understanding them and the dynamic, I'm afraid that is all I can recommend at this time.
Veronica, many of us wish we could hire someone from an Agency to help with appointments, when and if the elder would stop peeping through the curtains and actually open the door for this person. Not going to happen.
As for support groups, such groups are hard to find mainly because not enough caregivers attend to keep the group active, they just don't have the time or energy. Or the group is held at a time where many of us are just getting out of work and sitting in traffic.
I'm sure most of you seeking help with taking parents to appointments have considered hiring a caregiver from an agency, but I just wanted to suggest a few other options, especially if your elder might be short on money.
You will have to check with your own state, but in nearly every Wisconsin county we have a program for older adults to get this help without cost. A social worker visits with them to determine need and finances if they are eligible. Our program is called Family Care, but each state might have something different. There are also Alzheimer grants to which you can apply for funds and we have a non-profit called Interfaith that provides much needed assistance and little to no cost.
GladImHere - I can understand your frustration. I too, earned my masters in gerontology while caregiving and trying to bring the "employee as elder caregiver" to the attention of companies. It seems that the most receptive employers have had very high level executives have this challenge; if the higher ups don't understand it, it's still a tough sell.
I've found help by being specific in my research to meet my needs in my career and personal life. Sometimes you have to sit down and literally make a list of the important "bubbles" in your life (as I call them). I have three bubbles: career, self and personal (which includes friends, family and dogs). I check in with my three bubbles weekly to ensure I am giving proper attention to each. Might sound silly, the whole bubble thing, but I see them that way. Whatever works. I've learned, after several years, that writing newsletters to help educate the employer and employee are one of the major focuses with which I want to work and am starting that now.
Aside from career and post caregiving stresses, make sure you are doing something to make you happy. I find that volunteering for my favorite causes makes be feel validated no matter how the week is going. You may even meet people that are like minded or have gone through what you have.
Don't discount support groups. Research elder caregiving support groups in your area and attend a few meetings. They should not exclude you because you are no longer caregiving. Sharing your post caregiving thoughts and fears with others should help you feel your feet on the ground again, at least to start. Try, at least at first, to keep your attention focused on your post caregiving challenges in such a meeting, not your career challenges. It may come up, which is fine, but I would separate the two at least to start. You don't want to overwhelm yourself or others in the group at each meeting.
Did you use a hospice organization? The one I used would check in with me regularly and after the one year mark, sent me a letter assuring me they would always be there for me.
From what I understand, you are experiencing separate challenges: post caregiver and job search. Feed each separately a little at a time, otherwise you may remain overwhelmed. I'm not a recruiter or a counselor (which may be a good place to start in getting help), but I hope some of this helps you nonetheless.
The help I need is overcoming my past caregiving life! I worked in land planning and development in project management before this craziness. I earned a Master's in Public Administration during this craziness and took out student loans to do it that may never be paid back. I am at a co plete loss!
Maybe that is the problem I am not being clear of what I need. I need to find work, a list of employers that will take what they see as a risk, an employer that understands that caregiving is not mooching off of the folks, it is not days of leisure, it is not sitting watching tv and eating bonbons, it is hard, challenging work that is not understood even by family members. I am now viewed as an unknown commodity. There were national leaders at this presentation today, I spoke with one of them, I have emailed my legislstors, I have even emailed tye committee at AARP that is looking at caregiving issues, no response. I have emailed Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Phil, Maria Shriver, Leeza Gibbons and others hoping someone would help. I have explained to potential employers what caregiving is. There is nowhere to turn for help. And I have worked with a wonderful GCM that while caring for Mom and her hubby, now she takes the stance I am no longer a caregiver and has requested that I leave her alone.
Dear GladImHere, I'm so sorry no one offered you assistance. That is an embarrassment to professionals in aging such as myself. I hope none of these individuals were geriatric care managers, as they are one of the best choices one can make when needing assistance with eldercare. You may want to keep in mind, of course, that because of their very advanced ability to manage elder situations, they do have a cost, which I feel is quite fair for the help they provide. If there are any recommendations I can make, please feel free to be more specific in your needs. Am I understanding that you need help adjusting since your elder caregiving ended?
Veronica, this is what gets me frustrated there is help out there for help with caregiving issues. Many do not even think about a very important caregiving issue. What about caregiving coming to an end, then caregiver has had years, in my case four, and wants to return to thei profession? I was at a seminar this morning about the aging population and trying to prepare for the silver tsunami. Lots of information on services needed as the population ages, and caregivers, the effect on them is barely an after thought. In fact in my case since the 24/7 caregiving came to an end two months ago these leaders in elder care were interested in my story, but no offers of assistance. But many comments of good luck.
As a contributing member, I can tell you this organization is working on to help employers and employees with elder caregiving challenges. ReACT is a coalition representing nearly 1 million employees through membership of more than 30 companies and non-profit organizations.
This coalition is growing but many employers are unaware of it and how it can help them and their valued employees with elder caregiving issues. It’s a great first step to help them understand the problems you are facing as an elder caregiver and employee.
Glad, yes that this the article from the Washington-Post... thank you so much for finding it... I have bookmarked it.
In fact, just googling "Aging population prompts more employers to offer elder-care benefits to workers" also brings up the article. We need more companies offering such benefits.
when I was working, anytime I had to go for medical apts or take my kids and needed time off from work, I made a point of getting a note from the doctor "just in case" and if I called in sick and went to see an MD- I brought a note in to avoid the appearance of "sick time abuse".. Working on a nursing unit, nursing managers and the staff have poor tolerance for the perception of malingering.... never hurts to be proactive. So with caregivers for the elderly, provide documentation and you should be covered.
Sadly most employees don't have a choice but to quit their job--let's face it the cost of hiring a sitter is about $20 an hour, which may exceed what the employee makes. Our whole health care system is not geared for the elderly other than put them in a nursing home (Medicaid) which costs $85,000 a year per person for a semi-private room. Crazy, isn't it? I wasn't even able to get Aid & Attendance so I learned the government rather just let you quit your job and not contribute to taxes. The government pretty much forces you to quit your job - OR you have to put them in a nursing home, which I know would destroy my parent -- maybe that's what the government wants: It's cheaper to kill them with neglect and abuse, and they will get it in a nursing home.
It sounds to me like that boss is probably pretty young and has no idea what you're going through and what's required of you at home. Until they themselves have been there, they can't understand enough to be sympathetic and supportive enough to possibly work around what's really going on. What your boss may not realize is that they themselves may one day be in the shoes of your aging parent, and I'm sure that your boss would never want to be neglected when they need help from family. When the boss wants to play hardball with you about your job, sometimes you have to get creative and play hardball right back and remind the boss of this specific situation that they themselves will one day be in. If that boss was a caregiver themselves, they would be far more understanding and supportive enough to work around your situation. Family is family, and family needs help sometimes other family members and you just can't let anyone walk all over you. This sounds like a time when you really need to stand up and firmly stand your ground, because from what you described about being a caregiver to an aging parent, this is a crisis that many aging parents must face. If the family is very small, this limits the number of people who are available to help and aging parent in their time of need, especially if the parent no longer drives. In the case of Alzheimer's, ask your boss if you would want your Alzheimer's stricken parent the keys back up and endangering other people back on the road, because this is what could very easily happen if that aging parent was Alzheimer's decides to pick the keys back up legally or illegally. When someone who doesn't drive has a doctors appointment and they can't get there any other way except pick the keys back up and risk the safety of themselves and others, then I think others around you would be far more understanding enough to want to keep our roads safe.
I had always worked full time and then moved in with my parents to care for them. Wrong move! I wound up not working and for 5 years, missed pay and benefits, was constantly criticized by other family members for everything I did or didn't do and was constantly reminded that I was living "rent free" and "this is your job" that I completely burned out. I was not sleeping, in the middle of constant stress and eventually had to leave and move cross country to get away from them. I now have to re-enter the job market and it does create anxiety. In hindsight, I would have been better moving closer to my parents but not in with them; there is no other job that is 24/7 without pay or benefits (other than parenting small children) and family expectations are often unrealistic and problematic for the caregiver.
This is also a helpful article (one of the hits): washingtonpost/local/aging-population-prompts-more-employers-to-offer-elder-care-benefits-to-workers/2014/11/16/25f9c8e6-6847-11e4-a31c-77759fc1eacc_story.html
Glad and FF, what do you think about starting a new thread with suggestions on becoming involved in this movement, places at which to speak and leave literature and other ideas? I'm guessing that some who might be supportive of this movement just don't have the time. That might be something that could benefit from more involvement and exposure to a separate thread.
We're getting kind of off the topic of the original article, and I think the movement, as I hope it becomes, is valid enough to have a thread of its own.
Glad, I've just checked both topics and was surprised to learn that there's an attempt to create a groundswell of support for caregiving issues. The speaking arrangements seem to be well thought out, starting at the grass roots level and working upward. And the effort seems to be non-partisan.
I appreciate your suggestions; I'm going to do some more research and consider becoming involved. I can already see some applications.
I will see if I can find it as well, FF. Wonder if those corporations are as flexible with new employees, but at the very least, they have resources in place to take care of their family caregivers!
Glad, the Washington-Post had a really good article about what corporations were helping their employees in regard to elder care. Some large corporations have even incorporated adult-day-care in the building complex. Offering therapy to those workers. The article had a list of some of these forward thinking corporations. But I will be darn if I can find that article... I searched the Wash-Post website. I will keep looking.
GA, also google Altarum Institute. and "Howard Gleckman A New Way for Family Caregivers to Get Lawmaker's Attention".
Also, "Family Caregiver Platform Project".
I think that at the present time family caregivers are afraid to speak up about the impacts that caregiving has on them financially and emotionally. Is it considered politically incorrect? Should we be doing all of the care out of the goodness of our hearts while saving taxpayers huge amounts by providing necessary care, while we are taken to the brink of bankruptcy?
Thanks, Glad. I'll check it out and do some more research and will let you know if I find anything. Maybe I'll call my senator on Monday and ask what the status is.
It occurs to me that there might be a role for those here who've had so much experience in helping to train the Caregiver Corps.
Glad, I just googled Caregiver Corps - I had never heard of it so I greatly appreciate the reference. I did some quick checking and it appears as though the legislation was introduced and referred to committee. Do you know if it ever made it out of committee? I didn't get any hits to indicate it was passed and has become legislation.
I suspect one of the issues is that certain members of the senate might not have been willing to address the issue of funding.
GA. what is expecially frustrating, is I have asked these questions of many, and there are not any answers. A shoulder shrug is about the most I have every seen or heard. Trying to get back to work, is akin to the shunning I now feel, even by the facility that mom is in, course they have heard stories, but all of that aside. Where are the answers? I suggest everybody google Caregiver Corps. There is alot of talk about what is happening to the caregiver financially. Get involved! Raise Awareness!
So many concentrate on finding a cure for this wretched disease, that they do not even think about how to fix the issues that so many caregivers are encountering!
It seems we're facing a double whammy - age discrimination for those of us in that bracket and caregiving for those of us caring for spouses, parents or other relatives.
There may be another factor involved that has nothing to do with either issue: Hire younger people who can be paid less. I saw that at law firms and it had nothing to do with age or caregiving.
Caregiving may become like layoffs - a good opportunity to push the older folks out and pay less to the younger ones. I vaguely remember reading that some unions were more or less forced to grudgingly accept this tradeoff in negotiations with very large companies.
This is a wonderful, very thought provoking article. Following a layoff four years ago there was a medical emergency with Mom's hubby, L, he needed a hip revision which would be followed by nearky three months of rehab. Mom has dementia. I was called by my sister that told me mom would have to go to a facility. Since I had just been laid off, I offered to stay with mom, as long as it would take.
During the three month rehab stay for L, it became very evident to me how demented mom had become. L would not be able to provide her 24/7 care as he had done previously. And he was only allowed to return home because there was help at home. Fast forward four years during which I completed a Master's degree and other classes. I would love to return to my profession, and I was very good at it. But now this four year hiatus seems to be having a significant impact on my ability to find employment.
Do employers think this four years was sitting eating bonbons and watching tv? Do they think I have spent four years mooching from my folks? Do they think that I am old since I have been providing care for elderly parents? Do they think that I will be out of work often to keep providing care? What do they think? How am I supposed to overcome what appears to be discrimination either because of my age or that I had worked as a caregiver?
Are there any caregiver friendly employers out there? Do employers have the ability to recogize that the last four years have been very hard work and not vacationing? How does a caregiver overcome the stigma that seems to go along with caregiving?
VeronicaWoldt, you are so right about having boss who is or who has been a caregiver. My boss's wife had Alzheimer's for 15 years so he fully understands if I can't be at the office because of this or that with my aging parents.
My sig other immediate boss is too young to have gone through any caregiving, so his stock answer was "can't a sibling help?", why do people assume everyone has a sibling? But my sig other top level boss is caring for elderly parents so he fully understands, so where permission to take time off was denied, he will give permission.
Hi 57twin, from what I've experienced, if an owner or senior executive with decision making ability has had their own experience with eldercare, they tend to me more understanding. One client I have said "if I'm experiencing this, than my employees are also." SMART.
BeMindful, regarding the up coming baby boomers who are aging... one thing I have noticed is that they are heading to the active 55+ adult communities, and to the retirement villages now so that their children won't have to beg their parent(s) to move some place safer.
I live in a large metro area, and developers can't build these places fast enough.
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What Happened When I Told My Boss about Caregiving
Caregiving agencies usually do not have the experience one requires to make an educated assessment. I say this as someone who worked in caregiving agencies for 8 years; if it were not for my many years of experience and advanced education in eldercare, I would not take it upon myself to perform an assessment on an older adult with dementia. Keep in mind many people will say they can, often to get you to move the older adult into a community, but you need an independent professional. After the assessment you may find the best solution is moving to a community that specializes in dementia. While that is never easy, it can be done and often must be done for the safety of the elder and others.
For older adults that do not suffer from dementia and are resistant to help in the home (which, in my experience, is 99% of them) starting to introduce someone slowly, if possible, can help. I've often started with having the elder to agree to a little assistance for laundry and cleaning. Wash machines are often in the basement and the stairs are risky. Falling is the beginning of bad news - fall, hospital, rehab in nursing home, then home again. If you share with the elder that this will be the process if they fall, they may accept a little help with "cleaning."
All this time, of course, a good caregiving will become friendly with the elder and eventually you will find they accept more hours for transportation, appointments, helping put up the holiday decorations and the like. Believe me when I say I KNOW how difficult this is, but understanding the personality of the elder along with the family dynamic is key to coming up with a solution. I've made some suggestions, but without understanding the person and the dynamic, that's all I can offer right now.
Some elders respond better to a certain adult child than another. It takes some thought. Each person may require a different "tactic" to keep them safe and without understanding them and the dynamic, I'm afraid that is all I can recommend at this time.
As for support groups, such groups are hard to find mainly because not enough caregivers attend to keep the group active, they just don't have the time or energy. Or the group is held at a time where many of us are just getting out of work and sitting in traffic.
Wish there was an one size fits all.
You will have to check with your own state, but in nearly every Wisconsin county we have a program for older adults to get this help without cost. A social worker visits with them to determine need and finances if they are eligible. Our program is called Family Care, but each state might have something different. There are also Alzheimer grants to which you can apply for funds and we have a non-profit called Interfaith that provides much needed assistance and little to no cost.
Has anyone ever tried adult day care?
I've found help by being specific in my research to meet my needs in my career and personal life. Sometimes you have to sit down and literally make a list of the important "bubbles" in your life (as I call them). I have three bubbles: career, self and personal (which includes friends, family and dogs). I check in with my three bubbles weekly to ensure I am giving proper attention to each. Might sound silly, the whole bubble thing, but I see them that way. Whatever works. I've learned, after several years, that writing newsletters to help educate the employer and employee are one of the major focuses with which I want to work and am starting that now.
Aside from career and post caregiving stresses, make sure you are doing something to make you happy. I find that volunteering for my favorite causes makes be feel validated no matter how the week is going. You may even meet people that are like minded or have gone through what you have.
Don't discount support groups. Research elder caregiving support groups in your area and attend a few meetings. They should not exclude you because you are no longer caregiving. Sharing your post caregiving thoughts and fears with others should help you feel your feet on the ground again, at least to start. Try, at least at first, to keep your attention focused on your post caregiving challenges in such a meeting, not your career challenges. It may come up, which is fine, but I would separate the two at least to start. You don't want to overwhelm yourself or others in the group at each meeting.
Did you use a hospice organization? The one I used would check in with me regularly and after the one year mark, sent me a letter assuring me they would always be there for me.
From what I understand, you are experiencing separate challenges: post caregiver and job search. Feed each separately a little at a time, otherwise you may remain overwhelmed. I'm not a recruiter or a counselor (which may be a good place to start in getting help), but I hope some of this helps you nonetheless.
As a contributing member, I can tell you this organization is working on to help employers and employees with elder caregiving challenges. ReACT is a coalition representing nearly 1 million employees through membership of more than 30 companies and non-profit organizations.
This coalition is growing but many employers are unaware of it and how it can help them and their valued employees with elder caregiving issues. It’s a great first step to help them understand the problems you are facing as an elder caregiver and employee.
In fact, just googling "Aging population prompts more employers to offer elder-care benefits to workers" also brings up the article. We need more companies offering such benefits.
google?gws_rd=ssl#q=Aging+population+prompts+more+employers+to+offer+elder+care+benefits+to+workers+
This is also a helpful article (one of the hits): washingtonpost/local/aging-population-prompts-more-employers-to-offer-elder-care-benefits-to-workers/2014/11/16/25f9c8e6-6847-11e4-a31c-77759fc1eacc_story.html
Glad and FF, what do you think about starting a new thread with suggestions on becoming involved in this movement, places at which to speak and leave literature and other ideas? I'm guessing that some who might be supportive of this movement just don't have the time. That might be something that could benefit from more involvement and exposure to a separate thread.
We're getting kind of off the topic of the original article, and I think the movement, as I hope it becomes, is valid enough to have a thread of its own.
I appreciate your suggestions; I'm going to do some more research and consider becoming involved. I can already see some applications.
Thanks for the heads-up on these efforts.
"Aging population prompts more employers to offer elder-care benefits to workers"
Here's the article from Nov 16, 2014
Go to the Washington Post, type in their search box - Aging population prompts more employers to offer elder care benefits to workers
Also, "Family Caregiver Platform Project".
I think that at the present time family caregivers are afraid to speak up about the impacts that caregiving has on them financially and emotionally. Is it considered politically incorrect? Should we be doing all of the care out of the goodness of our hearts while saving taxpayers huge amounts by providing necessary care, while we are taken to the brink of bankruptcy?
It occurs to me that there might be a role for those here who've had so much experience in helping to train the Caregiver Corps.
http://www.bennet.senate.gov/?p=release&id=3269
I suspect one of the issues is that certain members of the senate might not have been willing to address the issue of funding.
So many concentrate on finding a cure for this wretched disease, that they do not even think about how to fix the issues that so many caregivers are encountering!
There may be another factor involved that has nothing to do with either issue:
Hire younger people who can be paid less. I saw that at law firms and it had nothing to do with age or caregiving.
Caregiving may become like layoffs - a good opportunity to push the older folks out and pay less to the younger ones. I vaguely remember reading that some unions were more or less forced to grudgingly accept this tradeoff in negotiations with very large companies.
During the three month rehab stay for L, it became very evident to me how demented mom had become. L would not be able to provide her 24/7 care as he had done previously. And he was only allowed to return home because there was help at home. Fast forward four years during which I completed a Master's degree and other classes. I would love to return to my profession, and I was very good at it. But now this four year hiatus seems to be having a significant impact on my ability to find employment.
Do employers think this four years was sitting eating bonbons and watching tv? Do they think I have spent four years mooching from my folks?
Do they think that I am old since I have been providing care for elderly parents?
Do they think that I will be out of work often to keep providing care?
What do they think?
How am I supposed to overcome what appears to be discrimination either because of my age or that I had worked as a caregiver?
Are there any caregiver friendly employers out there? Do employers have the ability to recogize that the last four years have been very hard work and not vacationing? How does a caregiver overcome the stigma that seems to go along with caregiving?
My sig other immediate boss is too young to have gone through any caregiving, so his stock answer was "can't a sibling help?", why do people assume everyone has a sibling? But my sig other top level boss is caring for elderly parents so he fully understands, so where permission to take time off was denied, he will give permission.
I live in a large metro area, and developers can't build these places fast enough.