I went back to my job part time after dad moved into AL. I had quit due to my hours changing and it was hard for me to drive 2 hours one way to help them and drive back the same day. When I started back I was upfront about not working past a certain time on Fridays and that despite having to assist customers if I received a call from dads AL I have to take the call. Doc appts so far not an issue. It helped that the bosses mom had Alz and knew what I am dealing with.
"During the final seven years of my father's life, I was able to take of time as needed without repercussions from my employer." Harsh? Pretty charmed if you ask me.
Surprisingly I find that I work more hous since caring for my mom. I am fortunate to have a job that I can work in the office or at home. My mom has early stage dementia along with another managed chronic condition. At 85 she has Good and bad days. The mental issues (short term memory, depression, etc) are much harder to handle than the physical - eg dizziness, getting her to eat , etc. I have found work to be an escape for me and find myself working more to replace my nonexistent social life. While my sibling who lives a few hours away does nothing to help or even the me a break, I am fortunate to be blessed with friends who check in if needed. I also now have an understanding boss ( which wasn't the case a couple years ago) who is pushing me to take time off for myself - which isn't possible until my sibling steps up. Which may never happen so I continue to pray - and find ways to take mini breaks to exercise, take a hot bath, etc while taking things one day at a time and remembering the good moments while breathing thru the tougher days. No one really gets what we are going thru unless they have been thru it unfortunately. Hoping things change soon.
I experience the same thing back when about people with kids getting some slack, but I would also hear them miserable at work because they knowingly dropped their kid off at day care sick. I think that a younger supervisor would be more sympathetic about kids than parents because they don't understand. If you haven't been through it, you blessedly have no freaking idea what we go through. And people thing if your parent is in AL or a NH, they're taken care of and you're off the hook. Right :(
twocents, you bring up a very valid point! ABSOLUTELY people with children get WAY more slack at the office (in general) than caregivers with aging parents. Furthermore, unmarried people OFTEN seem to get penalized as well. I used to end up working overtime because a coworker often arrived late, never stayed the extra 20-30 minutes she was late at the end of the day or stayed to finish a project, because she "didn't like the element on the train" that came 30 minutes later and constantly cited that she had to leave by 4:30 every day to pick up her child from day care. (Her husband worked local to the daycare and was off work long before the 7 pm deadline to pick the child up). I have no problem working hard or pitching in when needed; however I DO have a problem with the assumption that I have no responsibilities or life outside of the office just because I don't have kids. Single people are also often penalized when it comes to corporate events. Example, "family picnic" for the firm I work with: Married people with kids can bring up to 5 guests; single people are allowed to bring one "friend".
You have just put in to words PRECISELY my dilemma. Moved my mom and dad in with me in August 2015. Dad's disease was already quite advanced at that point. Lots of unexpected issues that made getting in late, staying home or (sometimes worse) coming in after little to no sleep unavoidable. Not only am I stressed to the limit at my already stressful job, I don't get a break at home. I have my dad's sister who lives in a nearby city helping as much as she can and my mom is home with him all day but his care in now at a level where we are no longer able to manage on our own. Currently looking for long term care facility for him (and in-home care until we find it) and THAT is just one giant circle of getting NOWHERE. I too hope that laws will change. ( I believe they will HAVE to as baby boomers are getting older and there are a LOT of baby boomers out there).
Personally, I have not had problems taking time off with my mom. I work at a small business, have been here for 15 years, so I have some leeway. I also am semi retired (early retirement) and am working part time. My history aside, I observe this with a question: do people with children get more slack from employers than caregivers with aged parent/relative?
Way easier said than done. I'm alone and I still work full time. My boss could care less what I go thru as long as my butt is in the chair on time for 8 hours a day. Time off to take mom to Doctors is taken as vacation. Don't tell the boss.
stargazer, excellent idea about consolidating doctors. It took me a while to finally rearrange my parents doctor appointments to where I had them back-to-back when they both used the same doctor. It sure saved a lot of time.
Plus I noticed the specialists all wanted my parents back with 3 months.... so I have been stretching out those appointments to 6 months to a year. I found my parents never gained anything from those every 3 month appointments. Now, if they had a serious medical condition, then I would follow-up as needed.
Another thing I am doing is having my parents get doctors that are much closer to their house. I hate driving, those appointments that were 30 minutes away I was a nervous wreck by the time I got to the doctor office. Now we are slowing getting doctors just down the street that my parents like.... whew, what a relief.
And not everyone has a job where they have the option of being a contractor. While it's not ideal in what you must sacrifice, it takes the pressure off having to be on the job for 40 or more hours per week when you know you'll need to take time for doctor's appointments and emergencies. BTW, if you can get doctors appointments after work, you're very lucky. I seldom get many options on when I can get her in.
Another thing I wanted to mention was consolidating doctors. In stead of blindly bringing them back to a specialist every 6 months (or whatever), find out what they are monitoring and if your GP can do that instead. It helped me get rid of MOST of my mom's specialists!!!
stargazer, you are right one can have more control over their hours being an independent contractor. I've been during my long career paid under a corporate umbrella with a ton of benefits, and have been an independent contractor with no benefits.....
No health insurance.... no matching funds to 401(k).... no profit share.... no funds sent to social security or Medicare [you need to pay out of your wages said funds].... no stock options, etc. if offered by said company.
It's quite a balancing act trying to work and trying to tend to our love ones.
Elder Caregiving Challenges For Employees and Employers Are Here to Stay.
A Few Facts: 70% of Elder Caregivers Work Full or Part Time Employees are quickly becoming more concerned with elder care than child care. HALF of Working Caregivers Are Reluctant to Tell Their Supervisor About Elder Caregiving Responsibilities
WHY?
1) Fear of backlash. A MetLife study showed that many employees aware of their company eldercare programs were afraid to use it for fear of negative outcomes to their job. 2) No wanting to appear less productive or risking chance for advancement. 3) Pressure to keep family matters private. 4) Often believing that government programs will pay for care. 5) Feeling they owe their elder assistance without complaint. 6) Avoidance until an eldercare crisis due to elder resistance to help.
Responsibilities of elder caregiving have a direct impact on employee productivity and on those who work with them. According to “Caregiving vs. Career” (2003), the average working caregiver spends approximately two hours on the phone communicating with medical professionals and any home care agency used to coordinate care, along with the four to five calls received per day from her elder or the hired home caregiver. Please note that these numbers were from 2003...12 years ago! With the aging population, how elder care impacts productivity is most certainly much higher.
Employers need to realize the draining costs associated with the “employee as elder caregiver” problem, which includes money lost in productivity, management, administrative, supervisory and health care (including mental health), when an employee experiences these difficulties. It will behoove company leaders to measure, define and manage these problems in the most appropriate manner for their employees and corporate culture.
Baloney...yes, I too understand from the employers perspective that they still have a business to run even though you may be having personal issues that require more focus.... I too ran into that situation and was careful to consolidate my time needed for my caregiving to my after work hours. SO, when an emergency develops (as they will) it will show that it was for an emergency and not just a usual dr appt....if needed, then you can always provide some kind of proof that your emergency was just that, an emergency and needed immediate attention from you. If they continue to be punitive, or advise more intense action such as FMLA or another job, you've got proof to take legal action against them. As long as your job performance does not lack, they've got nothing to say. And if they do, .... get them !!! Sometimes employers feel they can 'hold your job over your head'... as in the case of me... since I wasn't union, or had anyone else behind me, I used my head and kept my cool. I tightened my lips a little more, I would say 'every thing is just so-so and I have dr appts for my parents AFTER work...(I care for both my parents)....my job performance did not lack in fact I made sure it was even as best as I could do... I would even take pictures and keep my own records of things so in case they got nasty or would try to lie about my work, I had my own proof. IT WORKS !!! I also made sure I was on time for work, and never left earlier than what my shift was. Cover your butt, keep your head up, keep your mouth shut and never let on that you may be exhausted or irritable....Believe me, I learned how to be a survivor in my workplace with this....they tried to lie about things but I always had my proof to show they were wrong. My immediate boss was a b*tch and if she felt like 'getting me' when she was having a bad day, I had my proof to back myself up. I am a survivor and no way was I going to let her lie about me and my work. Hang in there, but be smart and watch your OWN back...rely on no one to do it for you.....
Great article. I do agree that an organization still needs to operate and have other employees to consider, but at the same time, there doesn't seem to be enough push for those laws and policies that can help working caregivers. I, too, hope this will change sooner rather than later because the number of people needing care (especially at home) seems to be on the rise. Thanks again for the great article.
Another option that I chose... become an independent contractor. You are only paid for actual hours worked and you get zero benefits; however, employers tend to be far more forgiving when you arrange your own hours. I know not every type of job can accommodate this type of arrangement, but if your type of job can and you can deal with getting your own insurance, etc., it is a good option. You will want to charge a much higher per hour rate than you would have received as a full-time employee, but it can work out well, and you can lay down the parameters up front about doctor's appointments and emergencies.
As a co-worker covering for a caregiver: please let us know in advance when you will need time off. I have a co-worker who for the past year has had partial days or full days or full weeks off for caregiving. Most of these were preplanned treatments etc and by giving the remaining 2 of us advance notice - we were able to juggle the priorities. What was hard was the last minute emergency out of the office and getting surprised by an urgent request or something that wasn't finished on time and we had to drop what we were doing to cover. So my coworker is a good example of being grateful and considerate to those covering for you - help us help you: advance notice where possible, organized desk so we could find information, asking us what he could do to make this better for us to cover for him, and occasional doughnuts on Monday mornings! This year has been a roller coaster for him and we try to help and sympathize. He has made all of this better by being considerate of us too.
We need more doctors who can do in-home visits. You can get this service if you are in a long-term care facility, but not everyone who needs it is in LTC.
Taking my mother to a doctor's office just a few miles away would end up being a 4-6 hour interruption in the day. Not something I could squeeze in over my lunch break. I had to show up very early to get her up, dressed, fed, medicated, and out the door. She could no longer handle the concept of being ready to go on time, or that the doctor wouldn't just see her whenever we show up. It was worse than dealing with a toddler because she would fight me every step of the way. Every step just took so long to do. I would be flat out exhausted by the time we got to the doctor's.
After the visit was over, she would want to run errands and have me just drive her around to sight-see, even though I had reminded her all along that we couldn't do that this time. (You can't "remind" dementia away.) She would become angry when I couldn't because I needed to report back to work. Every single time, she would "throw me out" of her place in a temper tantrum. Now I'm physically exhausted and emotionally wrung out.
Before mom moved into the 24/7 skilled nursing care unit, I had used up every single bit of time off I had that year on her plus 60 overtime hours I'd earned. We had no family vacation weekend that year and I did not have time off for our own doctor appointments and care needs. Under these circumstances, you go in to work sick because you have no choice.
Having mom's care needs escalate wasn't desired - nobody wants to see someone decline, but when she did move into the care unit and then memory care, more of the medical activities took place on-site, which meant I didn't have to take time off for it anymore and could start re-accumulating - slowly - time off.
My previous boss had zero compassion whenever I had to ask for time off to help my parents... my parents were mobile, living on their own but had stopped driving. Of course all their doctor appointments were during my working hours so that meant using up my vacation days and sick days. Thank goodness I didn't use my FMLA because I was later diagnosed with serious illness and needed all those days to save my job.
So that meant even more doctor appointments for myself... one year between my parents and myself there must had been over 40 appointments. In reality, my parents didn't need to go to half of those appointments... doctors that say come back in 2-3 months type of thing.
Now I can't really blame my boss not being user-friendly as the corporation had a business to run. In the long run, my work was being completed by other employees and after a couple of years headquarters decided to eliminate my job. In part I blame my parents... yes that might sound harsh but my parents could easily afford to move to a retirement center that offered transportation thus keeping me out of that loop, but they wouldn't move.... [sigh]
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What Happened When I Told My Boss about Caregiving
When I started back I was upfront about not working past a certain time on Fridays and that despite having to assist customers if I received a call from dads AL I have to take the call. Doc appts so far not an issue. It helped that the bosses mom had Alz and knew what I am dealing with.
My history aside, I observe this with a question: do people with children get more slack from employers than caregivers with aged parent/relative?
Plus I noticed the specialists all wanted my parents back with 3 months.... so I have been stretching out those appointments to 6 months to a year. I found my parents never gained anything from those every 3 month appointments. Now, if they had a serious medical condition, then I would follow-up as needed.
Another thing I am doing is having my parents get doctors that are much closer to their house. I hate driving, those appointments that were 30 minutes away I was a nervous wreck by the time I got to the doctor office. Now we are slowing getting doctors just down the street that my parents like.... whew, what a relief.
Another thing I wanted to mention was consolidating doctors. In stead of blindly bringing them back to a specialist every 6 months (or whatever), find out what they are monitoring and if your GP can do that instead. It helped me get rid of MOST of my mom's specialists!!!
No health insurance.... no matching funds to 401(k).... no profit share.... no funds sent to social security or Medicare [you need to pay out of your wages said funds].... no stock options, etc. if offered by said company.
It's quite a balancing act trying to work and trying to tend to our love ones.
A Few Facts:
70% of Elder Caregivers Work Full or Part Time
Employees are quickly becoming more concerned with elder care than child care.
HALF of Working Caregivers Are Reluctant to Tell Their Supervisor About Elder Caregiving Responsibilities
WHY?
1) Fear of backlash. A MetLife study showed that many employees aware of their company eldercare programs were afraid to use it for fear of negative outcomes to their job.
2) No wanting to appear less productive or risking chance for advancement.
3) Pressure to keep family matters private.
4) Often believing that government programs will pay for care.
5) Feeling they owe their elder assistance without complaint.
6) Avoidance until an eldercare crisis due to elder resistance to help.
Responsibilities of elder caregiving have a direct impact on employee productivity and on those who work with them. According to “Caregiving vs. Career” (2003), the average working caregiver spends approximately two hours on the phone communicating with medical professionals and any home care agency used to coordinate care, along with the four to five calls received per day from her elder or the hired home caregiver. Please note that these numbers were from 2003...12 years ago! With the aging population, how elder care impacts productivity is most certainly much higher.
Employers need to realize the draining costs associated with the “employee as elder caregiver” problem, which includes money lost in productivity, management, administrative, supervisory and health care (including mental health), when an employee experiences these difficulties. It will behoove company leaders to measure, define and manage these problems in the most appropriate manner for their employees and corporate culture.
Taking my mother to a doctor's office just a few miles away would end up being a 4-6 hour interruption in the day. Not something I could squeeze in over my lunch break. I had to show up very early to get her up, dressed, fed, medicated, and out the door. She could no longer handle the concept of being ready to go on time, or that the doctor wouldn't just see her whenever we show up. It was worse than dealing with a toddler because she would fight me every step of the way. Every step just took so long to do. I would be flat out exhausted by the time we got to the doctor's.
After the visit was over, she would want to run errands and have me just drive her around to sight-see, even though I had reminded her all along that we couldn't do that this time. (You can't "remind" dementia away.) She would become angry when I couldn't because I needed to report back to work. Every single time, she would "throw me out" of her place in a temper tantrum. Now I'm physically exhausted and emotionally wrung out.
Before mom moved into the 24/7 skilled nursing care unit, I had used up every single bit of time off I had that year on her plus 60 overtime hours I'd earned. We had no family vacation weekend that year and I did not have time off for our own doctor appointments and care needs. Under these circumstances, you go in to work sick because you have no choice.
Having mom's care needs escalate wasn't desired - nobody wants to see someone decline, but when she did move into the care unit and then memory care, more of the medical activities took place on-site, which meant I didn't have to take time off for it anymore and could start re-accumulating - slowly - time off.
So that meant even more doctor appointments for myself... one year between my parents and myself there must had been over 40 appointments. In reality, my parents didn't need to go to half of those appointments... doctors that say come back in 2-3 months type of thing.
Now I can't really blame my boss not being user-friendly as the corporation had a business to run. In the long run, my work was being completed by other employees and after a couple of years headquarters decided to eliminate my job. In part I blame my parents... yes that might sound harsh but my parents could easily afford to move to a retirement center that offered transportation thus keeping me out of that loop, but they wouldn't move.... [sigh]