I just wanted to extend my thanks to all that posted, and empathize with all of you.
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I moved into my parents' condo around the time they retired. Both had serious health conditions, and as I used to work in healthcare, I guess everyone (meaning my sibs) assumed I would be the caregiver. After one parent passed away, I was left not only the caregiver, but managing multiple business and investment accounts, two major home water incidents, and like the rest of the world, coping with the Pandemic. Alone with this parent there are a few lighthearted moments, but the rest of the time it's foul language, unfounded claims of me doing bad things (under the "belief " that if I don’t report where I am going and what time I will return, I must being doing drugs, or hooking up with guys, which I Never do). Yes, as the author of the original post stated, being resentful (which, btw isn't the same thing as jealousy) of other family members (i.e., my siblings) is not productive or whatever point that made the author feel better, that's great for her. When someone treats you like you're worthless, and you buy into it, then yes, that is the caregiver's choice to accept being kicked around and not let others know. I'm sure this will not be interpreted (or most likely, believed) as kindhearted, and I am not even feeling that way myself, but I am through being a doormat. I have lost interest and patience for my siblings' lifestyles that supersede mine. It's not an issue of love or tolerance for my parent's or siblings. It's that I am last, if even considered, in my family's interests and feelings. I matter to other people. Just not them.
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It hasn’t been the lack of help in my situation. I was the caregiver in the beginning. Im a HHA by profession, I started the process of getting my father extra help when it was needed. My brothers, after talking to me, had private conversations with my mother. They took over POA and put him in a nursing home. I am left out of family conversations. Told things after the fact.
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@irishboy (I realize this was written in Dec 2015)

'While I agree Jessiebelle that getting angry and enraged only damages your body, that doesn't mean you give siblings a pass who do nothing.

You know there are shades of grey between being a Pollyanna and walking around like your head is going to explode all the time. It's not so black and white that you have to either be angry and red in the face or a sap that puts up with nonsense.'

This is a huge pet peeve of mine - the false choice often presented to caregivers (not necessarily in this particular article, but elsewhere), that you either give your no-help and abusive siblings a 100.00 percent pass as a total doormat, or you're an evil unforgiving deeply sinful bitter vengeful martyr stereotype. There is absolutely a range in between, and frankly I find I don't have much desire to be around siblings who use me and treat me with a complete lack of respect.
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@Chizzel 'Specially with family members that never stopped getting all they could while the getting was good, and washing their hands a la Pontius Pilate when the golden goose stopped laying eggs their way.'

yup, pretty much sums it up, door only swings one way
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I am the caregiver for my Dad -- I have been the caregiver for my entire family my entire life -- I was always there for my brothers -- yes - they live a far distance -- but do you think they would offer to come & stay w my Dad and let me have some time with my husband -- nooooo -- my older brother stopped talking to me about 5+ years ago BEFORE my Dad INFORMED me he was going to live with me. We don't have the room for him and there is absolutely NO privacy. Both my brothers live alone and have the space but they are too self absorbed to care for someone else -- I am very angry and resentful and at this point my brothers are dead to me. I don't have anything else to give and every day I resent this situation I am forced to be in. Meanwhile my Dad is happier than ever -- he has a personal servant -- he is not sick and will probably live longer than me.
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We’ll hold on to our resentments, thank you very much. Nothing like a little anger to spice up your life, specially with cold blooded individuals. We don’t do the judging, that is left to higher forces, we just keep tabs as dramatic witnesses. Specially with family members that never stopped getting all they could while the getting was good, and washing their hands a la Pontius Pilate when the golden goose stopped laying eggs their way. Karma takes care of all of us, something like do onto others what you have them do onto you. There are good people and bad seeds in our world, the good always do what is right in general, the bad enjoys the ride and vanishes when any burdens knock on their door.
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The key to this article is the statement that her siblings loved her mother and her and cared about them and that they were many miles away. I do not particularly think this is true in my case or many cases. Also, sometimes resentment has been boiling beneath the surface for years and shows itself in this situation because it's their chance to "get even" or they're just selfish and entitled. My sister and I have never gotten along, because she has been cold and selfish her whole life. This has only been exacerbated and made clearer now.

She would not get vaccinated, so I could not let her see my mother in person for some time. She threatened to "call the authorities" on me. (She could see and talk to her through the window and later wearing a mask but she wanted what she wanted, despite the fact my mother had a pulmonary embolism from COVID once, almost died, and is 90 years old. I tried to follow the same rules her prior assisted care was following). She never calls me to see how things are going, wants free rein to my home whenever she wants (she has a history of snooping and taking things and I've asked her to call first) and my brother, whom I thought would step up, sits in for a day every 5-6 months. They don't want to inconvenience themselves or use their vacation days, although I use all of mine for doctor visits, getting her admitted to the hospital 5-6 times a year, etc. I asked for 6 days off for 9 months and I was told "we'll see." And they didn't do it even though they could have (it was over a holiday and they just sat at home-- they only needed to take two days off work). I lost $1,300 because I actually thought I was entitled to a vacation and that they were also her kids and had some responsibility. Yeah, I resent it. No, I won't forget it. I'll forgive them for ME, but I'll never talk to them. When my husband died (prior to this and suddenly), I asked why my sister (who lives 10 minutes away) couldn't do my mom's laundry because I was devastated and couldn't function. Her reply was, "if you're in charge, you're in charge." Such empathy and kindness. No one ever said I was in CHARGE. I never have "dictated" anything. Since I'm POA and was the single one, I've always just done it. They could do a lot but they don't. When I asked my sister why there wasn't help with my dad, when he was ill, I was told "she has a life."

They ignore me when I let them in my home and walk right past me to see my mother. I ask them to call me before they come over or make plans (because there are often doctor visits or someone else coming to the house to see my mom that she doesn't remember and they refuse and go through her and screw everything up. Last time, my sister got her all excited about coming to her house to see the great grandkids (they're there almost every weekend, it's not like a one-time deal) and my mother had two doctor appointments that day. My sister did not care and took her anyway. When I set boundaries, I'm threatened, talked about and called crazy.) It is my sister's way of getting even because I was older and could do things before she could. (She's said she hates me because I'm older and "get everything." Not so much. ) This often feels like hell and is the stupidest, most childish and pointless situation dealing with them and it has really taken a toll on me because I started doing this when I was still mourning my husband. The only way I keep my sanity is knowing I'm doing good for my mom and that someday this will end. I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and know I tried to be a good daughter. All I ever wanted was, "thanks for doing this because we can't" or "let us know if you want to go out sometime this month and we'll come over for an afternoon." I don't think that was too much to ask. I would do that for them. They're not family to me anymore. They stress me out and make things worse. When this is over, being totally alone in the world will still be better than being with them.
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This is the one I'm having the hardest time with. My siblings all live within 20 minutes of me and rarely help at all. And I also rarely, if ever, hear appreciation for the fact that I'm doing all the caregiving for our parents while my sibs go on with their lives. I struggle with this all the time. I don't know how to stop the resentment and am afraid when our parents are gone, I'll cut them all out of my life because of this anger and well of resentment.
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I was the caregiver for months for my grandma and my siblings were supposed to help and they abandoned me to do it by myself. To add salt to the wound they would judge me. My grandma would always complain about me saying I, not them, need to do more for her even though she had me slave-driven 24/7. My siblings didn't care I was tired and had absolutely no freedom. They would volunteer me to do more and nag at me saying grandma wants this and that i need to sacrifice more for her to keep her happy. They were angel in her eyes and it was only fun and games when they came over and they would question me when they thought i was leaving because they did not want to be stuck with her. She was okay to be by herself for a couple of hours but they wanted to judge and say she isn't and convince her that even though they don't want to stay themselves. They would tell me to stay or guilt me for leaving when they haven't been there and dont know
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I think you find out who is selfish when you go thru this. It doesn't take much to call, spend a day every other month and go visit parents. Call the sibling who is doing majority of caregiving once in awhile. Priorities become evident. Meanwhile, main caregiver gets burnt out, doesnt feel supported or appreciated. Really hard to be caregiver.
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I feel resentment, disappointment, taken advantage of and hurt by my two siblings that haven't helped me in 10 years. I recently placed mom in assisted living as I just couldn't care for her anymore. NOW all of a sudden both siblings call and ask questions and complain about her care. Mom is now on hospice and my sister wants to be placed on emergency contact in case she has an emergency. LOL I'm sorry but what kind of emergency can mom have. She has been given 1 week. Unbelievable.
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Brilliant.
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That's great but in my case, it wasn't even the lack of help from my siblings that bothered me. it was the lack of empathy for my dearest Mother. She was to me the sweetest person to ever walk this earth. She sacrificed so much for my six siblings and me. My Father died of cancer when we were all still quite young and she had to work so hard for all of us. They rarely visited her when she was still healthy and when she became old and feeble and eventually had to be transitioned into nursing care they rarely visited. When she was dying in the hospital, most of the time I was there with my Mom and they hardly ever visited.

So, as far as being the caregiver for my Mom, I loved looking after my Mom. Yes, some interest from the siblings would have been nice. But it's the basically deserting her when she was old and dying that I can't forget. It's not really my place to forgive them cause nothing was done to me but my Mom definitely deserved better.
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Farf to FaceTime, Skype... Which makes siblings,etc. Feel like their 10 minutes fullfills their obligations to (ever) visit in person... My mother's adult grandchildren don't visit... and, she'll never see her grandchildren again...
Oh!... but, she sends them money!
I hate holidays now...
Dread it all...
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I applaud you, yet the reality for most is the resentment deepens when a sibling thinks spending 2 hours every 6 months with dad is good.
I have assumed ALL financial responsibility. Dad has no money,and no desire to get help on his own. I work 60-70 hrs a week. Dad is 87 I'm 55. My sibs were each tasks to complete to get dad assistance. NOBODY has done anything. I'm suicidal.
I'm isolated. I may not make it much longer.
I can't anymore
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Thank you for sharing your story. I see you use the word MY and ME a lot, and that it was your decision. However, sometimes it's not our decision -- but our compassion -- and that is why we have resentment and/or anger towards our siblings. Long story short: My home was burglarized so I moved in with mom for six months to regroup and replace a lot of my personal belongings. However, after I got here I saw how bad mom's memory was; not eating; couldn't drive - and realized she had beginning stages of dimentia. Do you think after 6 months went by I was going to abandon my mother? No. So in that aspect it was MY decision not to abandon her, but I almost felt OBLIGATED because I was here already and informed my 4 siblings that I needed some type of assistance. Well, that was 5 years ago and I have since retired early from my job and am now a full time caregiver and do have a lot of resentment with no freedom and my own health dwindling. I told myself in 2017 something has to give, so I'm going to call a family meeting. I feel like this all fell into my lap. . . . . Also, I am a middle child and am in recovery, so there are a lot of triggers being a caregiver.
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I am a male and have taken care of both Mom and Dad for 3 1/3 years. Mom's poor little body gave out and then I've been taking care of Dad with Dementia for 3 2/3 years, with little respite time. The oldest is PoA and after Mom's passing he actually wanted me to pay rent. I was doing everything. He took over the finances and that was it. I showed him the responses from you all after I posted what he wanted me to pay. He is helping me out with respite time on Saturdays so I can watch my Grandsons play soccer for about 4 hours. Now Dad's savings is about to run out my 2 brothers are going to contribute about $300 a month and want to be reimbursed after the house is sold , which is fair. However, I have never asked for payment for the past 6 years. Is this fair? So, again I am a man and have done everything for my parents and got zero help and now my brothers are going to give some $$$, they want payment. You think I am a little ticked off?
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Thank you for your refreshing perspective. Following.
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irishboy, yes, I totally get what you are saying. I just read my post, and I take back my comment, "count your blessings." It was meant in a wry way, not as a false, annoying way to cheer you up (lol). It can only be frustrating and even threatening to have siblings that are takers and show up after your parent is gone. I'm sorry to hear you have that going on. I can tell how much you love your parents.
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niyah32, you sound like an amazing person. You're plate is very full and I wish you the best.

But you have a good reason not to resent your siblings. You don't understand what it's like to have a sibling/siblings who could help but don't.

It is the ultimate betrayal. The hurt my brother caused my wonderful parents, I would see it in their faces, towards the end my father finally said something about it to me. He voiced his disappointment in my brother's behavior. We had the kind of parents that if you were Jeffrey Dahmer would have supported you.

How hard it must be for the parent/parents to come to terms with "why is my child acting this way, I love them and gave them everything I could", I'm sure they blame themselves for the selfish behavior

What happens in most cases is once the parents are gone there is no relationship with the sibling. Why would there be? They did nothing to help, and in many cases(as it was in mine) they show up after the last parent is gone looking for the piece of the pie. Couldn't be bothered to visit or even pick up the phone when the parent was alive, but now have time when it's about a house and $$$$$$.

Talk about throwing salt on a wound.

So while you shouldn't go around in a rage as it does your body no good, you just don't forget a betrayal like this.
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Resentment occurs for a reason, you have a right to express, vent, and forgive only at the point forgiveness is natural and authentic. It is for ourselves that we find love and peace within. I find that resentment diminishes when I treat myself better. However at times, duty is so demanding, that I can't really nourish myself as well as I like. I cannot really resent my siblings. Here is why. Although I have been the single caregiver to both Mom and Dad (divorced), my sister and brother are disabled, so they really cannot contribute. Brother is an amputee and sister is mentally ill. I am caregiving my mother presently and most of the inheritance will go to my brother, who needs it the most. I WISH I had fully functioning siblings who could take care of themselves, even if they were selfish. As it is, I already am the manager of my sister's care. She does not live with me, but Mom does. At a later time, my brother may need my help. Siblings that leave you with the job of parent care are not okay with me, but be glad that they are on their own and don't need you. Take it from me! Count your blessings.
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While I agree Jessiebelle that getting angry and enraged only damages your body, that doesn't mean you give siblings a pass who do nothing.

You know there are shades of grey between being a Pollyanna and walking around like your head is going to explode all the time. It's not so black and white that you have to either be angry and red in the face or a sap that puts up with nonsense.

Also, you may find your brothers are able to show up once mom is gone, if there are any assets, family heirlooms, etc. It's amazing, they can't find the time to even offer help for a week or so, pick up the phone and say helllo, they're "too busy" or "well you took this on", but once the parent is gone they magically now have time to show up.

Happens ALL THE TIME.
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I know I hold resent toward my siblings. Am I ready to give it up NO. They have never been there for her only to take her money. Do i have to give up the resentment, yes, most definitely for myself. I pray everyday.
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That is true, Irishboy, but I'm not going to waste time being mad about it. I used to be mad at the world when I first came here -- marriage fell apart, mother was a demon to put up with, and I the house was a wreck. Some nights I couldn't go to sleep because of the anger. The only person it was hurting was me. Anger is a self-destructive emotion if we don't discharge it some way. Getting mad at my brothers wouldn't serve any purpose. Sometimes I do, but then I realize my brothers' relationship with my mother is between them and her.
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So right Irishboy!!!.. Thank you... Gee... This should be a no-brainer, eh!... But not for some... (They think they're exempt from any help and seem 'above' everyone else... there must be a stigma attached to caregiving which is many times destructive toward the caregiver siblings at any cost.
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Jessiebell, the one who lives close could come by and visit and help out. Unless you're mother is pretty self sufficient, who couldn't use help.

As far as the one on other side of the country, well he could visit and say to you "go to lunch and a movie", or "I have the next 3 days covered, you take off".

It's their mother to.



Tha
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I think it is a very good article. I have to admit that my brothers not being involved doesn't bother me. It does bother my mother that they don't visit more. One brother lives across the country. The other is not very social, but calls and comes by occasionally. When I think of the things I do, there's not really much they could do to help. I wouldn't waste time resenting them, though sometimes I feel a lack of respect.
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While I agree it is better for the individual not to internalize too much resentment, because it does a number on your well being and not theirs. The fact is it is very hard not to be resentful. You have decent parents and yet only one adult child has all the responsibility.

It's also silly because in most cases in situations like this, once the parents are gone there is no longer any relationship with the do nothing sibling. You tolerate them for the sake of the parent/parents, but once they're gone you want nothing to do with them.

Why would you? They abandon both their parent and their sibling at a time when they need you them the most. If someone who was supposed to be a close friend did that if say you got laid off from your job, or got seriously ill you wouldn't continue the relationship. Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean you have to have a relationship.

In addition the do nothing sibling/siblings arrive on the scene after the parent has passed, and they don't even attempt to hide their greed. You're a mess dealing with the loss of the parent, now have this "void" that caregiving is no longer needed, and they're asking about bank accounts.

That's usually the end of any contact. It's sad because a sibling relationship is actually the longest relationship a human being should have. But in cases like this it just can't be.
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As I said to "each her own" ... But I'm not sitting here worrying that a lightening bolt is going to come from the sky and hit me because I choose to "Not" forgive my siblings..

I also will "Never" forget that they "Choose" to ignore their Mother...
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