I'm brand new to the site. My husband has recently been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's and I'm hoping to get more insight into his illness and get some good coping suggestions.

My Joe was diagnosed July 2013 and I noticed it bad June 2013. He now hates to shower, shave or brush his teeth. I have a time getting him to take his pills also. He wants to shave his arms, legs, chest but not his face or neck. I get 12 hours respite a month but he fights it, he wants to go with me to eye doctor and OB/GYN. He is Navy 10 yrs and tough. Very hard headed. He does like the water aerobics at the YMCA and our pool. Thank GOD for that. I love you articles. Misery loves company. Joe is 73 and I am 68. Married 52 yrs in Aug 23rd. If we make it. He is like Charlie sad because he can't do things he did before. He did everything, a genius inventing and creating 3 wheel motorcycles and airboats for Alaska and Austrailia at his last job. Writing songs and the music, plays bass and sings still.

when I said wonderful daughter I meant it nicely. sometimes we underestimate what are children will do for us simply because we don't ask. your mother may feel the same way about you and is trying to push you away because she loves you and is proud of you too.

jan123: In response to your thread, I didn't go into detail regarding my "wonderful" daughter (as you put it) life. For a reason, she has too much on her plate. And, unless I absolutely cannot function on my own, I will not impose on her. I do not want to be anything like my Mother. Daughter is not spoiled, not wealthy (nor I). She's just a hard working country girl with several degrees under her belt and I am so proud of her that I could bust. She gives me hope, peace, and love. I am far from a martyr. As far as selling the house etc, I can't because I live there too and it is willed to me. I quess I didn't explain myself too good. Thanks for your post.

I don't mean to be harsh but what about your wonderful daughter shouldn't she take care of you the way you are taking care of your mother? you cannot be mother to your mother and mother to your children without expecting help from them then you are a martyr. when you were a baby she put you in a playpen, high chair, crib, etc. so why would it be so hard for you to get help for her. assistant living? don't wait for help from those who have not help already say a prayer for them and get your life straight. maybe a social agency or a senior advocate's group can help you. if you have to sell her house or put a reverse mortgage on it. there are many low cost senior housing available to free up money for this. talk to an account it is worth the investment of a few hundred dollars but for heaven's sake take control of your life. now.

Coulditbeme,
Read your article. Wish I were there to help. Reaching out on this website is so important and shows you are strong enough to get through this. Thank you for realizing change is needed in your living environment before it completely destroys you! Your mom needs to be placed in an assisted living home and you, my dear, need to move on with your life. Brother with "special needs"--- please look into having him placed in a 'special needs' center or home that takes care of those who can no longer be cared for. Some are administered by Catholic Charities and are beautiful homes for all levels of care. Please call your local agencies on caring and take charge. Call local churches and local organizations and gather suggestions and guidance. Write down names, phone numbers and start your search to find your mother and brother appropriate care. Tell your siblings or family members what you are doing and if they do not care...than do your best. Does your mom own her home? Is the title in her name? Could you have the title transferred into your name? PLEASE, I realize how much this involves but you MUST get in control (as difficult as it is) and work on getting mom and brother into a caring place to live. You may need to sell your mother's house to off-set some of the cost. Does your mom have any income---social security, part of your father's pension, was your father a veteran, etc. Do you have an attorney? If not, contact Legal Aid and get info on where you stand legally and what needs done. But, please do it! Know...you are NOT alone. Caregivers are so overwhelmed. I'm amazed at what they do and what the medical health field expects caregivers to do without compensation, without much support (except an occasional slap on the back by their PCP) and certainly not any 'free care breaks' by healthcare professionals for depressed, overwhelmed caregivers. It is just not there. But, please think positive. You have a daughter that loves you very much and you love her. Once mom and brother have a secure place to stay, why not consider moving back to the farm to live with your daughter. You deserve peace, you deserve to spend your life with those you love, and yes...you deserve to be happy. Now, get on the phone, with pencil and paper and start calling. Be tough, be persistent, be organized. State the facts as they are---leave nothing out and if need be, call your local politicians and ask for advice. DO NOT QUIT! DO NOT GIVE UP! Quitting anything in life is easy. Successful people do NOT quit. Athletes do NOT quit! You will be amazed at all the people who will want to help you. Be kind, be considered, be strong and polite and your search will result in positive things. I've been a very successful saleswoman all my life and I can tell you without a doubt; honesty, integrity and commitment will see you through this. And, once all your "ducks are in a row" and life becomes bearable and pleasant (and it will if you are willing to change) never, never look back. Go forward and be proud that you were strong and courageous enough to not only help yourself, but also help your mom and brother have a better life. God bless you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I don't know how much longer I can ignore, run to my bedroom, walk around outside, not get to go anywhere or do anything outside of this house. I made a major mistake (because my Mother begged me) when I let Mom manipulate me as so many millions x before, to come live with her and my adult special needs baby brother 47. I gave my farm, home etc to my one and only daughter who is the best thing ever!!!! I love her so much and she me. I refuse to treat her like my mother has treated me. If she felt like I do about Mom, about me I wouldn't want to live. Well, if it wasn't for my daughter, I wouldn't want to live. My father and my husband died from July to November apart in 09. I never go to grieve until last year and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I am resentful of my Mother. None of the siblings will help me (even when I ask over and over) with Mom's care. Not even just sitting with her so I can get groceries. I have been just leaving her at home with my brother until I can rush back. I'm so sad and lonely. I used to be happy, at peace, very social, thankful, a good Mom to my daughter and I even liked myself. Now, well nada, ziltch, nothing!!!! Everyday I want it to end soon. Sorry about the ranting but I haven't found any way to get respite. Oh by the way, my PCP told me physically I am in much worse shape than my Mom other than the Alz. I had spinal fusion etc in Jan 2015 this year. I went over Mom's wishes and got her PCP to refer her to Home Health care . She did. OT, PT, Aide for personal care. They even added an extra aide day because of my surgery. The surgery went well and has greatly reduced the sciatica nerve pain etc. I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis/degenerative disc disease, IBS mixed, low blood pressure, anemia, chronically low Vit D., Cervical pinched nerve, Severe carpal tunnel in both hands (L) is worse and need of surgery for that. I'm In constant pain everyday a 9 everyday. So my Mother is wreaking havoc on my health. I need some or all of you all to give me information in regards to getting help to take care of my Mom. I am not supposed to lift over 10 pds, no bending, stretching, leaning, standing or sitting too long. How in the world? I am miserable. Please take time to just chat if nothing else. I am so lonesome. (sorry for typos). Reading of each of your blogs gives me some hope. Thanks...

My husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer's disease 14 years ago. I am exhausted especially from those who tell me what he can do even though his doctors do not agree. We have two homes. The doctors in Florida where we have spent most of the year have suggested he be placed in Memory Care Unit because he has become irresponsible and irrational in his and everyday decisions. The credit card companies have and the bank will not allow him to be on an account by himself because of numerous charges that he changes his mind or does not remember making. When we were in New Jersey his doctors said he is getting worse but what can they do? They did not think he should be placed anywhere but he has gone on to the next level of the disease. This was 6 months ago. He has lost 30 pounds and looks bad. I need an operation because of straining and feel he is too much for me alone. His children will not help him at all except to call. One has not spoken to him since his diagnosis because she did not want her life fouled up. His brother who has had 2 stokes lives 1 and 1/2 hours away insist that he drives to his house because there is more to do and there is really nothing wrong with him. My husband has had 7 various tias and strokes that required hospitalization. His cousin had a stroke and now the doctors say it is a genetic condition. So what can I do? I have power of attorney recognized in Florida but New jeresy laws are different. Should I have the Florida doctors speak to the NewJjersey doctors? It's too much without help. I have an upcoming minor surgery and the thought of him at him alone frightens me.

Twopupsmom: Thank you for sharing your comments. Please know I pray for all caregivers especially those taking meds just to cope. Never took Prozac or Xanas (perhaps I should!) but you sound positive in controlling your situation. Philosophers and counselors have stated for centuries the beginning of happiness in one's life is knowing there are certain things we can control and certain things we cannot. The key is to be aware and know the difference. You are smart for avoiding arguments, which are senseless, and accept the fact that your husband's condition is not his fault. However, sometimes it IS their fault. For example, my husband was a 3-pack a day smoker. When one of our daughters suggested how worried they were that "dad would develop lung cancer" he would intentionally blow smoke in their face telling them he would do as he pleased. It was HIS house and if he wanted to smoke, he would. Booze was another favorite. He would drink every day. No one could tell my husband he was on a crash course to disaster. No professional, no family member, no co-worker...absolutely no one. He knew everything--was in control and resented intrusion. His health began to fail. He was in self-denial---just a few bad days here and there. He had to quit his job when his memory started to fail. I needed to quit my (very good) job to care for him. No one helped, no one wanted to help. Too many burned bridges in his past. So, I look back and say, "it IS his fault, it is ALL his fault. His brain and arteries are fried from smoke and booze. His physical and mental inactivity only added to the mix. My resentment is off the charts. The hurt and disappointment my husband has caused others cannot be over-emphasized. He lies to everyone. But liars do not always remember their lies. His doctor is aware of how devious his patient is. During 3-month routine check-ups, the doctor usually ends the check-up by throwing up his hands and walking out of the examination room saying, "when patients do not listen or appreciate advice, little can be done." Should have divorced him years ago. My loyalty over-shadowed common sense and professional suggestions. I am a caregiver and I do my best. Do I want to give up my life by being a unappreciative caregiver---a caregiver not able to let go of the past and at times not wanting to...absolutely not! For those who love their spouses or whomever they are caring for...God bless you. There are caregivers who are strong enough to overcome every day challenges and deal with disappointments with grace and acceptance. For now---I'm still searching for the meaning of life. Perhaps the virtue is in finding inner peace. I'm struggling because I know I'm not there yet.

Fuzzgee I am like you caring for my husband, I take Prozac and Xanax to get through each day ( I had anxiety issues prior to the Alzheimers entering our life) I was able to cross the line of arguments about everything by not accelerating the issue, sometimes by just not answering, every day issues come up and I just hate him, but I let it go, because deep down I love him more then anything & if he could, the feelings would be mutual, I just let everything else go except to keep my mind busy, take care of him, cook for him, the hell with the house, it's just not important to me anymore, I ended up in the ER 3 times over the stress issue, been a year and a half since the last one, and hopefully I'm on the right course of not letting myself get down so low again. He is down and dressed by 10am, so I have 2-3 am hours to relax my mind. He is with me constantly, my time outs from his constant talking are bathroom breaks with my iPhone, he has the same trigger questions every day all day, want to see mom & dad ( deceased) got to get back to the Navy, and where's my dammed car. I know when the subject is coming up and excuse myself from the room. Personally it's been about 8 years already for me, and I really don't know how much longer I can handle this. I go nowhere, his child doesn't even call or visit him or offer a couple hours of respite so I grin & bear it. Please take care of You, that the most important thing right now and try hard to avoid conflicts that start the arguments. I also know that others have it much worse then I do, that helps also, and also remember it's not his fault 💜💜💜💜💜

I would like to ask if anyone gets these feeling of anger and despair like I do. I don't want to be this person. I am on Zoloft as I have depression and SAD. They haven't helped me with these feeling that I'm not being a good caregiver to my husband. We seem to be having so many arguments about almost everything. I know his life is changing before our eyes and I seem to be resisting it. How can I help myself just accept this without having these feeling of inadequacies. I think sometimes I'm in worse shape tha him.

Love reading your blogs!! I especially like the statement you made that "it is unfortunate that patients with dementia have no idea how much care they eventually require and the toil it takes on their family". I am trying to get information and figure out what in the earth to do with Mom's dementia care etc. Keep up the blogs fine lady.

This is the first time I have had the opportunity to express my thanks and gratitude to the VA system for all that has been provided to my mother over the years. Mom (94) served in WWII as a Coast Guard SPAR and has received care through the Washington, DC VA over the past twenty plus years. Currently she is enrolled in Home Base Primary Care and I (a nurse) couldn't be happier. Her Nurse Practitioner has become my greatest support in maintaining Mom at home. Additionally, all the professionals have been responsive to her changing needs as well a the needs of her family. I wish you all the best as this journey evolves for you and Charlie. Always think of yourself as the parent on the plane when the oxygen masks appear PUT Your Mask on FIRST then and only then will you be of help to Charlie!

I just want to know how people are getting this help! My father is 90 and has dementia and insists on living at home in spite of the fact that he is a danger to himself. His doctor sent me to a neurologist, the neurologist diagnosed him with dementia and siad he should be living in assisted living a year ago. Ive been taking him to the VA religiously and they say they only have two social workers for the whole state or something ridiculous. The area council on aging sent someone to read an advertising sponsored booklet on "stuff for seniors". The hospital sent him home because his physical health had been dealt with even though I refused to take him and gave them reasons. Adult Protective Services is overwhelmed. NO ONE CARES. We just get shuffled on to the next person.

I am struggling with caring for my father who is a frail man with Alzheimer's disease and multiple health issues. My mother is mentally ill though she is physically well I am a nurse and I am having great difficulty dealing with the fact that I may not be able to care for them much longer in the home. I feel like a failure both as a nurse and a daughter. Can anyone give me suggestions on how to come to term with this heart wrenching decision?

I am struggling with caring for my father who is a frail man with Alzheimer's disease and multiple health issues. My mother is mentally ill though she is physically well I am a nurse and I am having great difficulty dealing with the fact that I may not be able to care for them much longer in the home. I feel like a failure both as a nurse and a daughter. Can anyone give me suggestions on how to come to term with this heart wrenching decision?

This could be me and my spouse. He's becoming a real drain on my energy, my health, something our daughter keeps reminding me. I know I should take the next step and get some part time help--but. It's that 'but' that keeps me from going ahead. Will it hinder or promote my own independence? I just don't know-------

Marlis, this is an excellent insider look at what happens to the caregiver when the partner refuses... or it's suspected they will refuse... extra help and care. Your words echo my own mother's, about avoiding the (predicted) uproar if additional helpers come into the house. I'm going to forward this post to her today... Many thanks for your honest appraisal of the situation.

What a fantastic article. It really touched home with me as tis is about where we are in our journey with Dementia. That's what we call it . Derry is not a vet but that doesn't change things. Sounds like they are at the same stage of resistance. Derry not only has dementia, he has COPD never smoked in his life. Had a congenital heart problem, hole in his heart. Had open heart surgery at age 40. Still has residual effects so he has a pacemaker and takes warfarin. Plus 3 inhalers. His dementia is what wears me down. I really enjoyed your article and makes me feel like I'm not alone out here. I haven't had any help as far as caseworkers etc. mainly because I haven't asked or looked into it. Sounds like you are really on the right track. Good luck to you. By the way, I have to really argue to get Derry to take a shower every 3 to 4 weeks. I have to take his clothes when he goes to bed to put them in the laundry. You get the picture. My kids have no idea really what it's like. Well enough about me. Thanks again for the great article.

Hey you all. If your spouse is resistant for in home care, your local government Aging dept can provide cleaning care as well. My in-laws had someone come in 2x a week to clean house and do the laundry. Meals on Wheels helped as well when they got older and less able. They were able to stay at their home much longer. (My parents could not get Meals on Wheels because they lived outside of the city borders. My father was the caregiver and only had to cook breakfast on Saturday. Since my mom was complaining about her weight, he purchased Jenny Craig program and a AHA cookbook to learn to cook healthy for them both!).

Marlis, my father-in-law is a disabled vet from WW2. All of his nursing care is paid for and stays In a local nursing home which is.better for family to visit. Are there any decent NH in your area? Their social worker would help you find out what is covered at that facility plus what other resources are available. Good Luck! I know the stress you are going through. My husband recently passed after being diagnosed with FTLD in 2008. Please take care of yourself 1st so that you can take care of your husband. Otherwise, you are not going to be 100% available to care for him as you want. That was a hard lesson for me to understand.

it's a keeper, you pegged it right, trying to change something on the Homefront would start WWIII in our home too! To my husband, 84 - 8th year of AD, he is always right, no matter what he says, years ago I tried being honest with my answers to his queries concerning deceased members of his family, his car etc, not a pretty outcome. So I know now how to redirect and I'm pretty good at it. one thing in my favor is I am 14 years younger, if I was 84 also, I would have not made it through the first round of " shelling". I cannot initiate day care, forget it, he would hate me. I keep it pretty tight & structured at home, and always around him. Marlis thanks so much for the. information like I stated it is a keeper!

So why is no one grabbing a sign and marching in the streets? The kindly doc who suggested you put your husband in memory care and all of the hoops you have to go through to figure out how to pay for care are criminal. Our system is broken. It is not healthcare, it is an industry with million dollar companies keeping the rates high. Asking caregivers to shoulder the additional burden of having to feel 'grateful' for any help they receive says alot about how we value people in this country. Everyone on this site has probably paid for health coverage their whole life for their entire family - except for a catastrophe, they did not use it much, just paid their premiums like they paid their taxes. So why after a lifetime of paying into a care system through insurance, taxes and SS deductions are we "out of luck"? I am a 14+ year caregiver of mom with dementia and heart disease - she has no money or property as she was a victim of financial elder abuse. Yet there is no help except for smarmy suggestions about medi-caid supplements. Where is the outrage? All caregivers deserve the care they have paid into and all elders deserve the services they have been paying for on a deferred basis for their entire lives. I would like to hear from others who are ready to write a sign (any piece of cardboard will do) and snap a selfie to post. Maybe AgingCare will be kind enough to host those photos and it will spark discussion about helping us and helping our loved ones. I also want to say that if any professional writers read this post and take the idea as something they put their byline on I will say something and call them out. I am glad AgingCare has writers who are real caregivers, but the journalism trolls who make a living one story at a time by using what real people write should not benefit from what we say without giving us credit. I am still pissed off about the writer who stole my posting - I'd call her out but no doubt she cashed her paycheck from the blog and doesnt care. Dementia care is hard - so why are we ignored, but when professionals step in they are paid - mostly with out savings?

Love this article! My goodness, I could step into Charlie's home and feel he is exactly like my husband who was diagnosed 9 years ago with Alzheimer's. And when the article mentioned anything new or invasive would start World War III---believe it! I have no help, and my husband refuses (without a screaming tantrum) to have any help. Being alone without any family nearby or having support, I feel trapped and yes, resentful. But, what a truthful and discerning article. I thank Marlis for being 'spot on.' God bless you. You made me feel 'human again....'

Oh Marlis, I am so glad you are going to get home health care with all the physical and occupational therapists, bathing help, etc !!!! I have a feeling that Charlie might actually LIKE all the new attention he will be getting..........one never knows. Several times in our marriage we have had to have these same 'helps' for John, and it has been such a huge blessing !! Oh wow, and I will do it again if the need arises. I am also thinking that if you ever do consider a private nursing home, or even an assisted living place, you may well qualify for a grant. We recently received a grant for a new cancer drug for John......it was going to cost us $2,750 per month. We nearly fainted when we heard that. But, we applied for and received a grant that will give him that medication free for about four months, at which time they will re-assess us, and maybe renew the grant. Our Council on Aging here is a wonderful resource, and just looking thru what they have to offer might give you even more help and encouragement. They even offer free legal advice, and oh so much more. Be encouraged, Marlis. I pray you will find all the help you need and that Charlie will be pleased for it too !!