The selective memory thing confounds me. My mom's long term memory is becoming more spotty...Her short term memory is barely intact. Yet, there are times that she can come out of left field with a question or comment that's relevant or "timely". I am disappointed for her that her long-term memories seem to be betraying her.

This truly is a sad disease. My Mom(passed August 1st at 95) used to tell us how she swept the walks or did the dishes for us each day. She truly believed this but was blind and wheelchair bound. We would thank her and it would make her feel like she was contributing to the family. It is best to go along with their stories as long as they are not hurtful.

NO, many dementia patients are cognitive of what they remember....when they want. This is proven. This is not demeaning the severity of this dreadful disease...but does shine on personalities.

My mom uses her mean selective memory all the time. Conversations from months ago, if they will hurt you, come up all the time. But do something good for her, and she doesn't remember that.

Marlis, thank you for writing that article as it helps me regarding my Dad who is starting to slip into current memory loss.... but he can remember all his childhood days, his days at college, and where he worked & what he did for the company for all his decades there....

But he doesn't seem to remember that when he complains about his computer, because he can't get into his email... that his brain won't accept that the problem is that he is still on dial-up in a huge metro area where everyone now has high-speed cable. Every few weeks we go around and around with this. I need to learn to just let it go when he bring up the subject.

This mirrors my Father's journey perfectly, every aspect from the embarrasment and isolation to the becoming part of events of that he was not part of. It saddens me so much, and it is hard to keep conversations going. Recently he seems to have started losing the old memories for which he used to share his stories with everyone, entertaining his friends in assisted living. He also insisted on getting hearing aids recently, after continually losing them before, and now doesn't wear them stating they don't work well. Upon having the checked and cleaned, there is nothing wrong with them. Can it be that he is hearing things outside of his ability to understand...things that simply confuse him and he feels safer and more comfortable with the limited hearing?

Thank you Marlis for sharing about Charlie's selective memory. I so relate to your entire article. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and our situation is almost identical to yours. We too, took a cruise to Alaska, and although he loved it, he now doesn't remember anything about it. I also identified with Charlie having much to say. I find this the hardest part of the disease--the fact that there is so little communication or just plain conversation anymore. It's very painful, almost like living alone, except there's someone in the chair next to yours. Thank you again for sharing about Charlie. I feel like there are those out there like yourself who really understand what we're going through. I truly am NOT alone.
Nancy

His intelligence and your hurt shine through in this poignant piece ... he's not only forgetting his recent past, he's forgetting yours too, although we know dementia works this way, it must be difficult not to feel a value is being assigned to certain memories and not others. This must doubly hurt as you are providing the valuable loving service of caregiver. I wish you strength and happiness.

Past and present memory are both impaired. I wish Mom could still recollect the old stuff because it would sure bring music (the thing she still enjoys most) to the silence. But then I sometimes wonder too if it is Mom's self-consciousness about all the missing words that masks the truth of her memory. Will most likely never know so onward in love.

This has been a great discussion. My husband has vascular dementia and every day is a new challenge - I never know what to expect. I believe the brain decides what gets remembered based on where the damage is. So far my husbands long term memory but short term is pretty weak

This is true selective memory: outofthefog/CommonBehaviors/SelectiveAmnesia.html
"Selective" implies a choice, and with dementia there is none.

Excellent! The writer has touched on behaviors that seem to be universal among people with Alzheimer's.

I think true selective memory is when someone deliberately forgets certain positive things that happen and choose to remember the negative. It was what my mother did. It's not that she forgot the good incidents; she made a habit of "forgetting" certain things.

Once again your writing is a mirror image of our life. Never know what the day will bring. Learning to go with the flow. I'm trying to escape more often so that I can breathe. Blessings to all that are dealing with a loved one with this disease.

Oh Marlis evertime I read one of your blogs my admiration just soars and I just want to give you a hug. You are such a wonderful person and deal with Charlie in such a compassionate way.
Going with the flow seems to be the way to go. Correction just leads to anger and frustration. Charlie's decision to stay silent in company is much better than telling the whole room he was Eisenhower's second in command. I imagine your tongue is full of holes from biting it and you don't even have tongues jewelery!

Pam you have nailed it as usual with the selective memory.

Sending you warm hugs Marlis.

I too had a husband with Alzheimer's ---what a challenge!
Marlis, perhaps if you didn't continually correct him he would have no reason for embarrassment and would not avoid joining the conversation. Is there a reason you do that?

My husband was in Memory Care for a year, and I now volunteer at another facility, bringing my dog to entertain the residents. At both places it was understood that it is preferable to lie that to correct, e.g. "I think your husband is coming this afternoon." Why would I remind her that her husband is deceased?

Moving story and description. Valuable insights into memory through your story and descriptions.

Thank you for sharing! I care for my Mother who cannot see or hear at all lately. She also has dementia, which got worse a year and a half ago after my only and younger sister passed away. Mother has a stroke and this pushed the then existing dementia further...I would love to talk to Mom. She does not hear me, sees a shadow and says things she feels or invents. And I cannot answer her at all! Mother is totally bedridden and very rigid...

Selective Memory begins shortly after your honeymoon and usually starts when you ask "Honey did you take the garbage out?" (married 43 years ago).

It would be great to lock those shows out my mothers friends husband has brain damage following a fall - he used to be incredibly fit and active he was a police officer. Now if you met him you would think he was incredibly interesting since he will tell you all about the anti terrorist undercover work he did - and it all sounds really plausable.... until he says I found Saddam Hussein you know... in the same bunker as Hitler ... I killed them both....it's then you realise the sadness of the brain's ability to short circuit and malfunction.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could put a lock on the kinds of shows that upset them!

I have to say that the various dementias affect every individual individually - no surprise there then. What I have noticed is that TV performances have a dramatic effect on my mother, So far she has been in a space rocket, had dead people in the room, a man with a gun at the door and she really believes it and is terrified. however when I check the TV what has she been watching NCIS and some documewntary she taped about a lunar landing back in the day. I monitor what she watches now but even so sometimes the news has that effect. The doctors tell me this is quite 'normal' but seeing a TV programme and believing that a) it is real and b) its happening to you must be the worse thing. I think it will have to be say yes to the dress and she can relive her marriage over and over although to be fair that was traumatic as the reception was bombed the day before the wedding .... perhaps it had better be wildife programmes then again maybe not.

Good stuff, and I sure have noticed. Dad -- and Mom when she was still alive -- had trouble wrapping their heads around some of the more current stuff. But you break out the old pictures you're probably going to get a response. I love old jazz, and I keep my phone loaded with Billie Holiday, Duke Ellington, Louis Jordan, Ella and others. When Mom was in a skilled nursing facility I'd visit and cue up some music. She loved it, and found out Dad knew all the words to "Caledonia."

Nothing scientific here, but a friend likened the brain to a bucket. Try to fill it up beyond capacity, and it's going to run over the top. But it'll be what you last put in the bucket that spills out. The older stuff stays.

Thank you Tired100....

Really good post, Marlis. I was relieved to hear the part about Charlie incorrectly remembering "facts" about what he had done in the War. When our mom's memory care facility conducted a life history "interview" with her to help create her care plan, it was amazing the things she told them that were news to my sister and me! She said she traveled to, and enjoyed, the South Pacific, yet she has never been on a commercial flight! Oh, well. I agree with the person who said not to correct people who do this. Sometimes, all you can do is laugh!

CentralMass, that was a great post. Yes, it's less stressful for those that suffer from dementia (or alike) to live in their world rather than trying to pull them back to reality. Yesterday my mom was asking for her mom. After several times of dancing around it I told her very gently that her mom was with the angles. I don't know if that was right or wrong. It just tears my heart out. It's very tough some days. BTW, are you in MA?

The thing to remember is that with memory loss, particularly with ALZ, usually memories fail in the reverse order that they were made, so the oldest memories last the longest--which makes sense, they are more deeply ingrained. I've had several relatives and friends who recognized me--but as a child, and wondered where my parents were. (One of them called me by my mom's name, and my daughter by mine.) If you can let them live in the past, you might get some history that would otherwise be lost.

Marlis, Thank you so much for your wonderful description of what I am also involved with. My husband age 75 is in the early stage.

With most elders, long term memory is exceptional! Short term memory is poor or virtually non-existent.

If Charlie wants to believe he was in the Doolittle raid on Japan, let him. It's better to pretend and visit with him in his world than to try to make him understand things in the present. It just makes it easier and more pleasant for both of you. Don't try to explain it to others because I'm sure they have an idea anyway. I learned this when I was taking care of my mom (although it took me awhile to catch on myself, but once I did, things were somewhat better). There were days when I would secretly cry because I knew this was not the same mom that cared for me all those years. She was happier though, and that was my main concern. Just a little side note, mom couldn't remember our son's fiance's name, but remembered her face and called her "the girl"! We all were thankful where the little things were concerned. Good luck with all of this, and remember to enjoy him while you have him with you.