Caregivers, touch your elderly people. Give them hugs. Put your arm around their shoulders when you are talking to them, or hold their hands. Offer to take their arm crossing streets, or walking outside. Open car doors for them. (Those doors get heavy for old people!) Offer to give them a shoulder-rub or back-rub. I often don't get touched for a week at a time. Humans need to be touched in friendly, loving ways.
Its an impossible problem to solve really. My mom has always refused a wheelchair and therefore, cant go to stores or anywhere with me because she can only walk a very short distance with her walker. Her pride is such a big obstacle with everything. She also doesnt want anyone to see her as anything but independent. She does her best to make everything seem just fine at dr appts...and unless one spends some time with her, she can act pretty normal for brief periods. She doesnt believe that she has alzheimers. Every day she says, im a little mixed up today for some reason, i guess im just old. She refuses to have anyone come in to help keep an eye on her and refuses to give up her house. No one can give me advice on what to do, when the law wont allow me to force a move. I dont have any answers and worry constantly. I dont want take her move, but she should not be living by herself. I do everything for her now, with the exception of feeding her and hygiene. I guess i have to wait for something bad to happen before the laws allow me to do whats best for her.
Sometimes being outdoors for a few minutes can lift one's mood, especially if there is some sun. Difficult to do in the winter, if you live in the north.
My mom is in AL at 92. She insisted on moving there, to spare me work. She is so depressed and negative, it drives me nuts. She refuses to exercise yet complains constantly of being "so weak". She refuses to go anywhere with the bus. She refuses all but one game and complains about that because she doesn't like the people. She keeps her room dripping hot and complains about having no energy. She hates the place, the food, and all the people, yet refuses to move because she "knows the people" there. She hates her specialist doctor and falsely blames her for the one physical issue she has. She complains about the aides but won't let me talk to management. She continually says she is going to die soon but she has nothing potentially terminal wrong with her. There's no pleasing her, no matter what we do. I feel like telling her what her negativism is doing to her family but don't want to make her feel more depressed. So we just keep going, put up with it, and cater to her wishes. Guess it's just part of this gig.
SherylBeth I have the same experience with my mom; I'm ready to tear my hair out, but as you say, you can't force an adult to participate in social activities.
I so agree with windytown! My Mom refused Rehab to get stronger and refused all PT in the home, so she had to go to AL. Many lovely people there but she feels she isn't one of those "old people". She's 87 and frail. So people make choices and are unhappy as their personal choice.
Also fear of having an accident (we have a change bag always in the car with pads, panties, and an entire set of clothing.
As hearing and vision are being limited by disease or old age, it makes it difficult to socialize when you can't see the cards or understand what people are saying.
I started taking my mom to a local senior center for a Meals on Wheels lunch program. I made sure she sat between to Gents and I sat elsewhere. What do you know she started liking to go. This winter has been hard but we have been back several times...she has missed her friends.
Look around for a place to hang out with maybe some things to do...and shorter time than all day.
Mallory, studies have been done which show that the best homes for seniors are in a community where daycare centers are nearby and the children can visit. Also having a pet around and a garden helps the seniors as well. I would think that the small home type nursing, with only a few residents would be better, also. I wish all nursing homes could adapt these measures, but only two in my town do.
Spouse, age 93, C Heart failure w/eject fract 25%, when questioned PC doc about strength training, was told "it wouldn't help...." him get stronger? Also has Parkinson's and mild dementia, scoliosis and spinal stenosis + couple of other medical conditions.
I get very upset to hear people say our elders are stashed away when a family is forced to place their loved one in AL or memory care. I am almost 60 and will not always be able to physically care for my mom...i wont have the physical strength #1, and even now..because of her choice to isolate...she would be better off in AL where she cudnt isolate herself and would have some depression lifted as a result of that. As it is now, i cant force her to do anything. For those of us whose loved ones have alzheimers and no family to help, the guilt is hard enough without people imply were just stashing someone away. Everyones situations vary and no one should ever feel judged.
You ask a very good question and I'll attempt to answer from my experience and perspective.
I don't think senior communities are set up to put them on a separate island away from the rest of society. It all comes down to the fact that they have needs that are impossible to meet in a home setting. I have first hand experience and tried really, really hard to care for my mom in my home. Sadly, it didn't work out and no amount of 'community' would ever make it so.
There's a myriad of reasons why home care does not work. Personally, my mom was a psychological nightmare, using fear, obligation and guilt at every turn. I could not leave the house for more than a half an hour. I couldn't even be outside of my own home to garden! All that with a young teen son at the time. I lost a lot of time with him that I regret to this day.
My mom now is wheelchair bound through her own choices. She refused to ever exercise to make herself stronger. She could've regained some independence, but she made the choice to just let others cater to her. I see that as very selfish, but she is that way in many aspects.
Of course, she did not want to move into an AL. Who does?
This stuff is very personal and each situation is very different. I don't view it as societal because of that. It's a blunt fact, but aging is usually not very kind. The golden years? Pffftt! I'm glad there are AL's that provide activities for those who will take advantage of them. My mom (85 pounds and very frail) could be going out a few times a week but she refuses because she doesn't want to be seen as an old person. The problem as I see it, is the stigma attached to assisted living. As a society and with our aging population, we need to see the 'community' and value that these places provide. It's not the nursing home our parents dreaded. It's up to the individual as it is in all of life to make the most of it.
Windytown I hear you, yes, some facilities have awesome calendars of things to do. Once they get frail and need assistance into & out of the van, activities are more limited, at least at several we looked into. For my mom,.shopping is it! But needing so much help from me or another caregiver, it gets expensive fast (I'm free, but I can't go every day as she would love). My main thing is there shouldn't be these islands of seniors, all together, and aides running ragged trying to help them all. Seniors should be in their homes and their communities, and how many seniors actually want to move to a facility? It's depressing to live in a society that regularly demonstrates an erroneous belief that Life ends at 40 or 60 or 85....we should all be happy to see a 95 y.o. man in the grocery store, amidst a variety of ages of people & abilities. Why should it be "separate but equal" for certain ages?
Incontinence is a major cause of depression without a solution. If it were me, I wouldn't want to go anywhere either. A very good reason for them to just stay in.
Thank you for sharing your experience. You are a young 92!
At 54, I can identify with everything you said in your post. We all have our good and bad days. I appreciate your honesty in dealing with all that aging entails. You have an attitude of grace, something I admire greatly.
I wish that my mother had your attitude at 78. I've come to accept that it's all in the personality, dementia notwithstanding.
Please keep posting your thoughts. You can help so many here with your perspective. It's hard sometimes to place ourselves in another's shoes, so to speak. :)
mallory, 'Facilities' be it Assisted Living or a nursing home offer a full schedule of activities to keep anyone busy from morning until night. The two AL's my mom has been in have offered boat cruises with fishing, a weekly happy hour (two drinks max) complete with a band, picnics, movie nights, shopping trips, I could go on. For the elder with the right frame of mind, it is a VERY social place. They even have water aerobics and it's all included in the rent. It's not a place to 'go die'. They are not all very old to any extent either. Sounds like you're buying into the old misconceptions about these places.
It can be a very satisfactory experience or very depressing. It's the personality of the person that lives there that determines the perception.
My mother, unfortunately, is the glass half empty type. She's decided to wall herself off from the world and she chose unhappiness. She does NOTHING that will maybe help her and depends totally on me for her entertainment and connection to life. It's a sucky way to live, but that's her choice. I'm frankly sick of her bad attitude but after 4 years of trying I give up. I'm a positive person for the most part. I got that from my dad and I miss him dearly. He died of brain cancer and now she is my sole responsibility. Why do the good die young? (Said only with half sarcasm)
As a 92 year old myself, in good mental health,I often do not want the trouble of getting ready, nicely dressed, etc. to go somewhere. I am quite disabled and it takes a lot of help, and pain, with my wheelchair etc. to get in and out of a vehicle. Also, there is the fear of having an "accident", in spite of all the "protective underwear" etc. It is always a concern that I am causing so much trouble to other people. It is easier to stay home. But of course, when feeling better, it is good to have a change of scene. It depends on how the senior is feeling that day.
My mom finally uses her walker, but only because her doctor said "if you dont, you will fall & end up in hospital, and the food there is Terrible!" Without the walker she was walking along walls, countertops, chairs, etc. She always walks great in grocery store or Target, hanging onto the cart. Biggest stumbling block is, I simply cannot take her shopping every day, just 1x per week, a doc visit, and church. That's still 3x per week! Who has TIME to get their seniors "out" and socialized? If she were in a facility I suspect she would have fewer socialization because the average age of residents is Very Old.....much better to be among mixed range of ages. And much better for Everyone to see our seniors as PART of Us, not just stashed away in facilities, where we never see them.
Lisalisa707...thats SO true. My mom would rather be shot than get in a wheelchair! She refuses...and hates to use her walker to go to appts as well...wants to just use her cane, but she can only go about 10 steps with it. She is so stubborn and i get so angry with it....but ive finally gotten to the point that i accept that i cant force her even when i know she would really enjoy going to gardening stores or places like that which she used to love. As you said...it is what it is!
All these comments help me so much. This way I know that there are others in exactly the same boat. I have been dealing with almost 4 years of this and it is affecting me as well. I put a huge bright post it on my car dash that says "it is what it is". I bought her a walker and she will not use it. Everything is a no. I just have to remember that I can only do what I can do.
My mother has severe glaucoma and can only just shuffle along so getting her to go anywhere was a battle. I agreed with the fact that this does get elderly depressed. Recently I bought her a transit wheelchair as it is hard getting him into the doctors with her cane. She can't use walkers because of pain in her arms. Now she sit proudly in her wheelchair and we can go to the shops etc. It was the best thing we ever did. We don't take it inside and she "walks" around at home to get exercise. I hope to start taking her to the swimming pool for gentle exercising next week. So do whatever you can to take your loved one out of the house to whatever they want to go to.
Latest research shows that inflammation is a major cause of depression. Changing to an anti-inflammation diet helps a lot. Fats are anti-inflammatory. But big Pharma doesn't make money with drug-free diets.
My Mom and Dad are 90. Dad likes to eat and watch TV. Period...Will make you miserable if you try to get him to do anything else. I have forced him to go to my daughters' college graduation, her wedding, his own brothers' 80th birthday party, social events etc. etc....well each time or event takes me a week to recover. Mom not much better. The more you try with them the meaner they get. Do agree with the article that falling has a lot to do with reluctance. I am 60 and have gone to hell and back with them many times in the last 3 years. I think that they know what they are doing.
Use Skype or OOVOO if they can understand, so we can have a sense of socialization. Buy those snow and ice traction devises that attach to shoes and boots. Make sipire they have had DEXA scans and that their bones are strong in any event. I have early onset early stage genetic VaD.
I hear you Windytown! Im in same position with mom. I have finally given up as well...cant force someone to be social or to even try. Mom comes from the generation that she would rather be shot than take an antidepressant...thats a sign of weakness when you cant just pull up yoir bootstraps and get on with things (in her mind). So i take her to the bookstore every month to get more books (and it gets her out of the house)....and thats that.
To all who replied above: I know for myself, sometimes you just have to come to a place of acceptance that isolating themselves is what they want to do. I've finally quit beating myself up over my mom's refusal to do ANYTHING. No meals in the dining room, no activities, nothing. HGTV around the clock, her radio and her word find books.
It is not the life I would want for myself, but I gave up and just let her do the things that make her somewhat happy. It would be great if she would agree to go to the doctor and get some anti depression meds, but that's never going to happen. She will never be "happy" again in this life. I've accepted that fact and try my best to not let her attitude affect me.
It's not always a fear of falling. My mom is pretty sturdy, but won't leave the house. I try everything and she has no interest. I can't physically move her off the couch. What do you suggest?
I think many comments are missing the point of the article. There are many articles covering depression in the caregiver. If that's what the issue is, then those are the articles that should be read. This article is discussing depression in older adults and a hidden reason why some - not all by any means - may resist social activities which can then lead to depression.
My mother never had any hobbies, except reading ( which she still does) and never had friends over when I was growing up, so she is not interested in going to any events, or even going to the daycare. If she has depression, she will not admit it. Even things that she sees on TV, for the most part, she calls junk and says it is disgraceful. This is the way she has always been. I'm with some of the other posters on here - what about the mental health of the caregiver?
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Fear of Falling May Cause Depression in Seniors
Also fear of having an accident (we have a change bag always in the car with pads, panties, and an entire set of clothing.
As hearing and vision are being limited by disease or old age, it makes it difficult to socialize when you can't see the cards or understand what people are saying.
I started taking my mom to a local senior center for a Meals on Wheels lunch program. I made sure she sat between to Gents and I sat elsewhere. What do you know she started liking to go. This winter has been hard but we have been back several times...she has missed her friends.
Look around for a place to hang out with maybe some things to do...and shorter time than all day.
You ask a very good question and I'll attempt to answer from my experience and perspective.
I don't think senior communities are set up to put them on a separate island away from the rest of society. It all comes down to the fact that they have needs that are impossible to meet in a home setting. I have first hand experience and tried really, really hard to care for my mom in my home. Sadly, it didn't work out and no amount of 'community' would ever make it so.
There's a myriad of reasons why home care does not work. Personally, my mom was a psychological nightmare, using fear, obligation and guilt at every turn. I could not leave the house for more than a half an hour. I couldn't even be outside of my own home to garden! All that with a young teen son at the time. I lost a lot of time with him that I regret to this day.
My mom now is wheelchair bound through her own choices. She refused to ever exercise to make herself stronger. She could've regained some independence, but she made the choice to just let others cater to her. I see that as very selfish, but she is that way in many aspects.
Of course, she did not want to move into an AL. Who does?
This stuff is very personal and each situation is very different. I don't view it as societal because of that. It's a blunt fact, but aging is usually not very kind. The golden years? Pffftt! I'm glad there are AL's that provide activities for those who will take advantage of them. My mom (85 pounds and very frail) could be going out a few times a week but she refuses because she doesn't want to be seen as an old person. The problem as I see it, is the stigma attached to assisted living. As a society and with our aging population, we need to see the 'community' and value that these places provide. It's not the nursing home our parents dreaded. It's up to the individual as it is in all of life to make the most of it.
Thank you for sharing your experience. You are a young 92!
At 54, I can identify with everything you said in your post. We all have our good and bad days. I appreciate your honesty in dealing with all that aging entails. You have an attitude of grace, something I admire greatly.
I wish that my mother had your attitude at 78. I've come to accept that it's all in the personality, dementia notwithstanding.
Please keep posting your thoughts. You can help so many here with your perspective. It's hard sometimes to place ourselves in another's shoes, so to speak. :)
It can be a very satisfactory experience or very depressing. It's the personality of the person that lives there that determines the perception.
My mother, unfortunately, is the glass half empty type. She's decided to wall herself off from the world and she chose unhappiness. She does NOTHING that will maybe help her and depends totally on me for her entertainment and connection to life. It's a sucky way to live, but that's her choice. I'm frankly sick of her bad attitude but after 4 years of trying I give up. I'm a positive person for the most part. I got that from my dad and I miss him dearly. He died of brain cancer and now she is my sole responsibility. Why do the good die young? (Said only with half sarcasm)
Biggest stumbling block is, I simply cannot take her shopping every day, just 1x per week, a doc visit, and church. That's still 3x per week! Who has TIME to get their seniors "out" and socialized?
If she were in a facility I suspect she would have fewer socialization because the average age of residents is Very Old.....much better to be among mixed range of ages. And much better for Everyone to see our seniors as PART of Us, not just stashed away in facilities, where we never see them.
It is not the life I would want for myself, but I gave up and just let her do the things that make her somewhat happy. It would be great if she would agree to go to the doctor and get some anti depression meds, but that's never going to happen. She will never be "happy" again in this life. I've accepted that fact and try my best to not let her attitude affect me.