We no longer have to fight off attackers? I believe the news media suggests otherwise, especially for women.

Women are the unpaid servants of the world. In a crisis, they ARE cool.
My 4 brothers seem to be able to deal with my demanding mother than me. They also keep their distance. The dirty work is usually delegated to the women.
Women are not "cooler" for taking on all the responsibilities. They are just expected to do so, by men like you. Try it. I guarantee you'll head for the hills.

I find this surprising. I always thought women are more cool than men, that they are more level-headed in stressful scenarios.

My 82 year old mom has a very bad neurological condition. She had a 2 bedroom apartment nearby and most of the family were able to pass through and visit her.
3 years ago she move to Florida, where the warmer weather is easier on her body and physical condition.
That's great, except none of our family live there and she has no room to accommodate visitors (she lives in a senior residence with no extra room).
I told her when she left I would not be coming down. I cannot afford the trip. She kept telling me how cheap it is, etc. she is going on a a very expensive overseas trip next month with her sister. Also great.
Recently she told me that I don't care about her feelings. Hmmm. She moved far away, lives the life she wants, and I don't care about her feelings. Doesn't add up. I was very hurt by that remark but I have processed that information and just tucked it away. If you want your loved ones to spend time with you when you are old, don't move thousands of miles away to a place they cannot visit.
Personally, I think she is very happy with her decision. She is trying to make me feel bad for not going to see her (would be air fare, ground transpiration and hotel - plus I do not drive). I also had a very long illness that put a big hole in my pockets (no help from either parent).
This is all lost on her. No problem. Reading the comments of the caregivers who bend over backwards for their parents I know I am doing the right thing. She'll be fine and Ill be dead if I try to accommodate her wishes.
"She'll manage".

Thank you for this well written article.

I know that sometimes when Your Majesty comes into the room, my heart rate immediately goes up. She doesn't have to do anything or say anything, just her presence will make me stress out.
Sometimes she'll be talking and it's like I just can't stand it anymore, and I won't respond to her. Her voice grates on my nerves; the words don't matter, the tone doesn't matter, it's just her very voice.
I'll admit to hiding out in the bathroom once in a while just to get away from her.

What fantastic people you all and me are! Unsung heros! Enough of that flippancy! Caregiving is the hardest and loneliest job in the whole world. The times I've condemned people for putting their old folk into homes... But oh boy oh boy can I see why they do it. My 91 yr old dad had days to live ... A year ago, bowel cancer, spread to liver and lymph, a triple A and numerous other needs. I gave up my job put my dad before my grandchildren and more besides. A few weeks ago I couldn't stand the abuse and aggressive outbursts any more, he said ' he'd manage' and he has... Even got himself another lazy girlfriend! Me? I'm in therapy, on anti depressants and have no job or savings left. Please guys and gals... Think very carefully before you leap into caregiving.

Thank whoever resurrected this - to the posters in 2014, I hope you are doing well.
I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis since 1990, raised two kids (divorced, essentially single mom), worked full time and managed the arthritis very well. 2-1/2 years ago I moved my elderly mother in with me for her safety(short-term memory loss, multiole chronic illnesses, but very functional), and I thought my ease, as I was trecking across town multiple times daily for minor mishaps. A year ago December I had to start using a cane as my two knees were going bad, and progressed very quickly to a walker. Since 9/15 I have had a knee and hip replaced, with the other knee schesuled next week. My arthritis has been flaring in my hands since January. And I had to have a stress test yesterday prior to surgery, as my pre-op EKG showed abnormalities not present last August. Stress on too of the normal.stress of caregiving. On top of that, Mother has developed a hacking, phlegmy cough (routine doctor check-up last week in the middle of flu and strep season!), so I am forcing fluids into both of us and calling the doctor. Even though I have an RN to help out mornings and my fully capable son will be with her evenngs, I'm thinking 3 nights in the hospital and a stay in the nursing home might not be all bad! (Bad daughter Lol!) Has the stress of caregiving contributed to my health degenerating? No doubt in my mind. So, this week I am trying to takie it day by day,and hoping for the best. Timely piece for me. Thanks, again!

The stress seems unbearable at times. This year mom has been to ER twice. She had a heart attack this week and is supposed to be released today. The hospital wanted to release her yesterday and send her home with NO after care plan. I was furious and pitched a fit. I said really? So when she goes home and falls and dies, guess who I'm coming back to?

That's not my usual thought and disposition but I was just sadly amazed at this. Talk about stress! I went for a long walk after that. They said she sundowned the night before. I said so? Surely you've handled these things before since the hospital is in highly populated elder area. That's not a reason to jettison her out the door where her BP is still a little low and she needs PT.

They said well can't you take time off from work. OMG did I lose it then. They had to hear a long diatribe about caregiving and then said they were sorry. I said I work and have responsibilities just like YOU do. Sorry for the rant, just unbelievable. Where is the do no harm to the patient? And by default, the caregiver? Stressful, oh yeah.

We need to remember like back during the times of the Walton's, aging parents lived to be only in their 60's and 70's, thus the daughters were only in their 30's and 40's, with a ton of energy. I am guessing that back then the elders didn't live long enough to develop memory issues, heart attacks/strokes/cancer were their demise.

Today with modern medicine, our parents are living up into their 90's and early 100's.... but modern medicine hasn't caught up with Alzheimer's/dementia. It also means we have senior citizens trying to care for their elderly parents. It's impossible at our age to do all this... I know I am pushing 70 and I feel like I am 90.

My parents didn't need to care for their parents so they have no clue what they are putting me through :(

I'm a child of the early 50's...can remember back to the days when grandma or grandpa (sometimes both) would be living with their children..as part of the family. Sure..there were stressors..but it was handled in a different way. Families were closer, stronger..their combined strength got then through. They looked-out for one another. Not like today!
It's just my opinion, but I think 'society' has changed...not for the better.
The meltdown of the 'family unit' began in the 60's with the cultural/societal change. Everything began to change..even the music. The hippy generation had their love alright..but it was the 'me me me' kind of love...and to heck with Mom and Dad. The love went from a familial love..to a 'commune-type' of love.
I am now in my 60's..health is going right down the drain..and can only 'wish' (because that's all it will ever be) to be loved, cared-for, and even wanted..like my grandmother was. She lived to the ripe old age of 87..was never placed in a nursing home...or discarded. Nursing homes were almost non-existent (I can only recall 1)..and 'assisted living' meant you lived with your children.
Oh..times, society, people were different back then. Grandma was very fortunate (most all elderly back were) to have her children my her side...right to the very end.

ff, as always, I find you to be sensible. Although it goes against my nature, I have done nothing about trying to follow up on why aunt's family doctor's office has not given the authorization to refill 2 meds; I have not taken her to get blood tests ordered by her neurologist; I have not took the steps to get her an appt with a geriatric doctor which I was the one pushing for her to have one, feeling in my gut that she & uncle both should be seeing one. I stood back & passed all this along to their children but so far nothing has been done. I am in GA & don't want to go back to all of the craziness. I feel real close to having a meltdown. But my son won't agree to let me stay with him, although I could help financially a good while with what I have saved. I am hurt by this because I never once turned him or his brother away when they needed shelter. When I tell him I truly cannot stay there any longer for my own health's sake he thinks I am being melodramatic, or so he implies by what he does NOT say. I have no where else to go & am having acute feelings of anxiety about just making the drive back tomorrow, aside from knowing what is waiting there for me.

1butterfly, your aunt & uncles children probably figure you have everything under control. I bet if you stepped back on some of the caregiving, you could possibly get more help from them [or maybe not].

I had an ah ha moment last month, why should my parents move from their single family home where they live alone, while I am at their beckon call. It took them by surprise a few weeks ago when I told them I had to cut back 90% of my driving, it was affecting my health.... but they said "who is going to drive us?"... oh great, let's throw in some guilt while we are at it. I still dug in my heels, I had no choice, my primary physician said the stress will kill me.

I am already over-burdened with problems. And the fact that cousins do little to nothing about their parents I caretake only adds to the stress.

Heart2Heart, you are so right that caregiving is ignored by the public.... I know it was ignored by me, too, until I was thrown into the mix without warning. Lot of us didn't have our grandparents living with us, so we had no clue about the trials and tribulations involved. No one taught us in high school about caring for the elderly. No one taught us in college... are there even such courses? None of my peer group were caregivers. Heck, I never knew it even existed.

My parents never took care of their own parents so I never got to hear those conversations of what it as like. All I know was when you retire you got to do whatever your want, travel the world, etc. Hey, even ads on TV show that !! My parents had a blast for 25 some years in retirement.

We are thrown into something we have zero training. If I went to a caregiving agency today I would be turned down for various reasons. Yet my parents expect me to help them. I do what I can, but it took me years to realize I can't do everything, my parents will need to open up that moth eaten wallet covered in dust and pay someone to help with whatever chores they need [they can easily afford it]. A senior citizen should NOT be caring for older senior citizens.

Caregiver stress is downplayed and ignored by the public because no one (other than the caregiver) wants to get involved. They know it has all kinds of negative connotations associated with caregiving (loss of time, family, jobs, health...). They don't want to talk about it and that's why so many people, especially family 'members' stay away which causes even more stress. Our 'society' doesn't have respect for the elderly or caregivers... that's pretty apparent. So, do what you can to get away for your own needs from time to time (aside from the needs of your loved one... for your own health).

Ronica, I got that "we will manage" also from my parents. That was said when I had approached my parents saying my sig other has a work promotion but it would include he and I moving across country.

Personally the move would have been too overwhelming for my sig other and for me anyway so the promotion was tabled, but I wanted to see what my parents would say. I know Dad did think this all the way through when he said "we will manage".

I've been hospitalized twice in two weeks for panic attacks and now have to undergo all sorts of tests for my heart, I've been told it is probably just stress but I have had enough of this worry and caregiving. Mom is physically Ill but mentally ok just stubborn and refuses to spend her $$ on extra help, I've just walked away she told me she 'will manage.'

I can definitely relate to this article. The care for my parents has reached a new level in the past several weeks. I am not sleeping well and getting dull headaches. I know these are signs that I need to alleviate the stress I'm experiencing. I need to learn how to relax, and worry less about the things I cannot change.

I have read that stress hormones go up higher for women and stay up longer than for men in similar situations and I have observed it. A man may have a negative encounter with a colleague at work and get over it very quickly while a woman will tend to take longer to deal with her feelings. A generalization, I know and not always applicable. Perhaps that is one reason why we seek support from one another so much, and also because "talking thing out" helps women to manage stress. The toll on caregivers is huge, and we must take steps to care for ourselves. It would be good if there was more external support easily available for this, e.g. education.coaching about how to manage the stress, as well as respite and assistance in physical matters.

ditto to all comments. just moved mom to senior apt. She wanted to go. It was very stressful two years. I realized that We need to provide our parents the means to thier independence without sacrificing our lives. I have all the issues the article mentioned. I will find her the help she needs vice providing it.

Stress never use to bother me until the first day my parents stopped driving and I became their set of wheels. I didn't want to deprive them from going grocery shopping, clothes shopping, the bank, the hair dresser, doctor appointments, etc.

After one year I came down with cancer, no other markers except stress. After that I was diagnosed with a leaking heart valve, probably from high blood pressure. Now six years later of driving, lot of panic attacks while driving and not having enough time to do everything they want.

I use to be pretty healthy, a gym rat, ate healthy, had a career I loved [I refuse to retire, it's my sanity now]. I have zero time to exercise, and my freezer is filled with TV dinners. I am too mentally exhausted dealing with my parents, thus very little energy. My parents just don't understand :(

If only they would have moved into a retirement community a decade ago [they refuse to move]... they would have had MORE independence.... and I would be MORE stress free.

Good article. My mother died this July after being cared for over the last 6 years. Two years ago my mother in law passed after 8 years of care-giving. We had both of them in our home during that time. Yes the stress was often enough for me to want to run away but I couldn't. I choose this course and I wanted to do it for them. I didn't initially realize how much it would cost in personal stress.

Just a couple of weeks ago I had some issues with my heart and was diagnosed with a myocardial infraction...basically a heart attack. I didn't really take care of myself during the caregiving era finding something always came up to keep me from exercising or getting away for a few hours each day. Care givers must care for themselves so that they will have a life to live at the end of the care giving. It does end eventually and you owe it to yourself and family to survive it!

I want to thank "Agingcare.com" for helping me through so very many difficult days. I know the stress of caring for my 93 yr old mother is getting to me. At the end of July I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia because I was so run down. Reading about the other caregivers that are struggling helps me know that I am not alone. I know of a woman who recently passed away basically from the stress of taking care of her aging mother. She was so wiped out that she ended up with fluid in and around her lungs. She went to the doctor but didn't tell them that she was having difficulty breathing when she laid down. Within days of seeing the doctor she died. We caregivers have to pay attention to what our bodies are telling us. I know I need to do more for myself and am making baby steps. I am not putting as much pressure on myself to make everything perfect. I can't do it all, all of the time. I have started a "caregiver" folder of interesting comments and articles I have printed from here. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your help. I am working on taking better care of me so that I can survive this.