Yes, caring for aging parents can absolutely be more stressful than getting divorced. And it's probably even harder for our parents who are going through the physical and cognitive changes.
My guilt over my impatience is bad. Not only do I care for my mom but she's going thru a divorce! It's been over 2 years and the separation papers are still unsigned. She brings up my stepdads faults over and over. She follows him on social media and I hear all of that too. I've begged her to quit following him but she still does. I've asked her if it upsets you why do you keep following him? She still continues. It's a lot to deal with on top of my health issues.
Stress is difficult for everyone living, no one escapes stress,, so just go with your feelings no matter what they are. God gave us all emotions and how to deal with it is up to the individual. Take as long as it takes to feel the release. Crying is normal , don't stop it, let it go and grieve, or be angry, it's all ok.. Linda Susan
Ive spent 3 years xcaring for mu father in rhode island and my father in law in pittsburgh, where i l live ive traveleled back and forth ubtil aug 6, 1015, my father in law died in feb11, 2016. I did come home when things quited down and i came hone in july to put ttogether a graveside memorialand a luncheon. None of his family halped me or barely talked to me. A few days later my died while i was stil home. My husband was rude and pushed me away when i need a hug. This was after i held hid fathers hand and stayed with him while he died while he died. When we were in RI he was obnoxious and hostile to me. It was so bad other mourners even my mother comented.. finally after getting homr with hie familyat my house intil jan 30 and 2 losses on his side of the family. He wants a divorce and has wanted one for a long time. But he let me care for his father first. I dont regret helping my father in law but i bitterly resent my husband and his family who did NOTHING at all . I m still crying every day i dont know who/what im crying for..i was glad when in kaws left so i could have some peace to mourn, after @ a week the divorce bomb dropped on my head. I told him i wasnt going to make any decisions for a year, this is @ how long itll take anyway. Nut any man who has a 6month affair while wife is carevive for familly had no integrity and is a guy who feels sorry for himself. Buy the way we've been married 19years together 27.. I just need. To greive my dads and move on. But i cant stop crying when im alone .any advice or groups for recovering from caregiving. Or why dont peple even try to understand the constant strees and the prioritiy caregiving takes while we are praying to have a life to go back to? Sorry for bla bla blaing
The info about this phrase I found through a Google search. And there is a book about this too. Simply it is in reference to what some parents, especially moms, say to their children to encourage and develop excitement about growing up when potty training. Using this phrase " here is a big girl panty..let's put these on and get rid of the diapers" and of course this is a difficult step in growing up "let's put on your big girl/boy panties." ETC. It's not an offensive, derogatory state or put down, only a reminder that sometimes life has difficult situations, making a decision often is not easy, but don't run from them, instead embrace them, make the hard decisions..get your grown up mind working to make hard decisions just like children have to do when getting potty trained and use the grown up panties. let go of childlike thinking and encourage yourself into making difficult grown up choices.. Hope this rambling helps understand my encouragement to you about making difficult choices. Look to others and yourself when difficult "potty training situations develop" as soon as we are born, decisions begin. Trust yourself, ask for help. pray. I have an adult handicapped daughter with cerebral Palsy who lives with me, I'm 72 I'm worn out/burned out taking care of her. I love her so much and she loves living here, she is sweet and kind, but I've had one emotional breakdown with ER trip..and don't want to do that again..it breaks my heart to put her in an out of home placement, but I have to. I would rather she learn to separate slowly while my husband and I are here to take for weekends etc, than to have someone else move her after we are gone..yup, pulling up my big girl panties and making the hardest decision in my life! I get sad, I cry and I don't know how to tell her so she understands. That's life from birth on. DESICIONS .
This assumes the one needing care is wealthy enough to pay for help or sick enough to receive social services....when those things don't work, what is the caregiver to do?
My dad suffered a stroke about 5 years ago and recovered nicely after staying in a rehab facility for three months. He lived in a beautiful independant living facility for nearly five years and absolutely loved it.
Being that he was never taking his medications like he was supposed to, eventually he had a major seizure that put him in the hospital for three days; and into a rehab facility for a month.
My thoughts were that I wanted him in a place with more supervision, but he insisted that he would do fine back at his apartment and told me to give him one month..and if it didn't work..he'd go wherever I wanted him to.
I set him up with some additional care at the facility that included help with his meds and an alarm button he would push when he needed to use the bathroom. Half the time he used it and half the time he didn't. I don't know how many nights I spent sleeping on his couch fearing that he would fall as he often got out of bed on his own and wheeled himself into the bathroom in his transport chair, absolutely HAD to stand up when he urinated; thus I was twice as scared that one time he would lose his balance and fall.
I don't know how many times I lectured him on this. That if he'd only listen..he was very close to being up and walking with his cane if he'd just listen to me and press the call button when he needed to.
It was like talking to the wall!!
One morning I tried to reach him by phone (like I did every single morning), and he didn't answer. My biggest fear was that I was going to find him on the floor after he'd hit his head or something. Went over there and found him fresh out of the shower (which he did all by himself); sitting in his transport chair shaving.
Great as he thought it was, I was a bit angry and again lectured him on the evils of getting up on his own and that eventually he'd fall. All he simply had to do was push his call button and staff would be there at least to watch him and make sure he didn't fall.
Well, the day finally came where I went over to see him and his ear was all bruised. Come to find out that he had gone to the bathroom in his wheeled walker, lost his balance, and his his head so hard on the top of the toilet that he'd knocked the top askew.
Took him to his MD and he said that it seemed to be healing fine, so life went on as usual with my constant lecturing him; Dad getting angry with me..and telling me that I was treating him like a child.
A few weeks later I got a call from staff at his Independant Living Facility and they told me that he wasn't acting like himself. I'd kind of noticed in the days proceeding all of this that he was acting kind of giddy at times and would laugh non stop when something was funny. He has problems finding the food on his plate and would make a complete mess of it.
Anyway, the day staff called me, they told me that they had taken him to the bathroom in his walker with a gait belt and when he finished, he got up and said he'd forgotten how to walk. I called the ambulance, they took him in, and found that he had a subdural hematoma (and for those that don't know what that is..it's blood betweem the brain and the skull); so they rushed him 60 miles away to a hospital that drilled two holes in his skull and put in a drainage tube to drain off the blood).
CT scans showed that the blood was quickly starting to accumulate, and starting to push his brain over to the left, yet Dad was singing and talking to me, no headache or anything.
As the surgeon pointed out to me how quickly the blood was accumulating, I had to make the decision whether to have this risky surgery done or not. Either way it could have killed Dad...but he came through with flying colors.
After the surgery he was coherant and said, "I told you I'd be alright.." and he was.
However..with a brain injury like that..he had many things that he had to learn all over again such as swallowing; using his legs like he used to, etc. I decided that the best place for him was in a nursing facility where he could stay after his rehab and I knew he could no longer go back to his apartment.
Much as I wanted him to..I was just plain burnt out all these years trying to get him to take his meds on schedule; trying to get him to do the things that would protect himself; sleeping on his couch and being afraid to leave his apartment for fear of what else he'd decide to do on his own.
He is now in a nursing facility and I have to move him out of his apartment. Breaks my heart but it's what I have to do. He hates it there with everyone in his face and has his good days and bad. His brain injury has left him with no appetite so he doesn't eat much. I bring in Ensure which he drinks before every meal. He drinks the thickened drinks they put in front of him, but won't eat.
Staff tells me that for the most part he's a pretty happy guy, yet will get up when he feels like it. Again..good days and bad. Some days he'll be soo happy to see me and we can carry on a conversation..and then other days all he wants to do is sleep.
Few weeks ago staff told me that he was doing really well and then all of a sudden he was very weak one day. Couldn't use his legs like he should, and was having problems speaking. Spoke to the nurse about another possible stroke, but she didn't see that. After all we've been through with Dad and his seizures, we finally figured that he'd probably had another slight seizure.
So..I spent day after day over there keeping an eye on him, etc. He wanted to sleep all the time which is part of what happens to him after a seizure. He loses some use of his left side after a seizure also. While I insisted it was a slight seizure..staff decided that it was more behavioral and thought it best to let him come around on his own as he was cranky, uncooperative, etc.
Three weeks later he's nearly back to himself again and I got rather angry with staff about not believing be regarding a mild seizure. They're supposed to be the experts, yet it's me all the time telling them what probably happened.
Talk about frustrating!! Yet as Dad continued to improve..staff started to believe me a little more and finally started treating him like he should be treated instead of a grumpy old man that just wouldn't cooperate.
He'll never by the man he was as with this brain injury he incurred..there is still some blood on his brain which thankfully, is gradually alleviating itself. Even still, he's showing signs of dementia which his doctors told me to probably expect. Some days he's clear as a bell with his memory..and then there are others where he can't stand the site of me and can't comprehend a word I'm saying.
It's so very hard seeing him like this while I muddle through all the paperwork to get him on Medicaid. I brought in family pictures that I hung on his walls and when I first brought them in, he said, "Like I give a damn.." and then the next day he was soo very thankful for all of them.
Do any of you ever come across your loved ones saying they wish they were dead?? Or they talk about death, etc?? My dad has been talking about that since my mom passed away 10 years ago and now it's even worse. The other day when I went to visit him he told me he'd see me in heaven. Even though he gets stronger every single day and is lucky to be alive, he tells me that he'll see me in heaven.
I've told him that when God is ready, he'll be in heaven, but maybe God isn't ready for him yet as he's quit eating much, yet drinks plenty of fluids. I know he's angry with himself for putting him where he's at right now just because he wouldn't listen and I can't tell you how burnt out I am.
I'd like to visit him every day..but I just can't take him laying in bed all day..some days refusing to get up, and other days telling me the things he does about being in heaving with Mom. I know he misses her profustely, but feel like he needs to quit feeling sorry for himself.
I know it sucks to get old, but as one lady there told me when I helped her down the hall to her room, "Getting old isn't for wimps and I'll be darned if God is gonna take be before I'm ready..keep pushing!!"
Please sent out some prayers for my Dad to keep pushing like this woman does. It makes me angry that my dad could have his health back if he wanted it..as God has given him another chance in life. He just recently had his first great grandson who he will get to see soon.
However..I am burnt out beyond belief trying to talk to him..get him to eat..and to appreciate the other chance God has given him.
The paperwork is immense regarding getting him on Title 19, although I keep family members posted on everything..it's just Dad and I. They've got families of their own, live out of State..and are just too busy with their own lives.
My husband works out of State so he's not even here to help me with anything.
I continue to put one foot in front of the other and have no more tears to cry anymore for the most part. Have looked to friends that are all of a sudden nowhere to be found, so as I move my Dad in to the facility he'll spend the rest of his days in..in a hospital bed with probable nursing care..
Ugh!!
Anyone out there with some thoughts?
Sorry this was soo long. Just needed to vent to others in the same place.
I agree that this is extremely stressful. My father in law is currently living with us and most of the fights my husband and I have concern him. My husband does not think he is in bad shape and that he should continue to live with us. He is almost 94 has major memory problems that I can not seem to get diagnosed ( the doctor gave him a screening test and said it is just aging changes, but I know better) he sometimes will not change his Depends and we wind up with awful messes (no one ever told me about this horrendous problem), he has not showered in 2 months ( and my husband thinks that is all right as long as he can get his father to change his clothes once a week), and he has had a UTI back in September which caused him to become confused and fall so he wound up in the hospital for several days. I had foot surgery in September, right after my FIL's fall, and am still recovering from it, though it is much better. I work part time and worry about my FIL when no one is at the house to watch him. I try to run home at lunch to check on him, but it is becoming frustrating to me that our lives revolve around my FIL. It is hard to leave town as we have to find someone who will come in and take care of him. I want him to go to assisted living (he has the money) but my husband says that it is just that I can't stand having my FIL in our house any more ( as if I am just being selfish) and it is not for anything to do with my FIL's good. My husband thinks my FIL will not do as well in assisted living (we have had one recommended to us by an elder care specialist that we have been told is very good) and that we should just keep taking care of him. I took care of my husband's mother for the last several months before she died and my husband was almost no help. My own mother lives quite a distance away and she is going not need my help soon. I feel resentful at my husband and his family as we get all the work dumped on us (mostly on me as I am not working full time ) and my husband's brother and sister do nothing. Even when my brother in law was living in my in laws house for several years, sponging off of them, I was the one who had to keep dropping everything and running down there to help as he and his wife sat on their backsides doing nothing to help. I want to know how to get my FIL into assisted living so I can have my life and my home back without winding up divorced. My husband seems to care more about what his father wants than what all this has done to me for the last several years and it has really strained our relationship as I no longer feel like he puts me first. His family seems to come first and I am there to do the work for them. I am sick of having all the work dumped on us while my husband's brother has gotten all the benefits. He has now moved about 2,000 miles away andmy husband's sister also lives several hundred miles away and my husband says they are very irresponsible ( true) so we have to do it all. How do I get out from under this?
My husband needs 24/7 care (since July, 2014) and I've been struggling with the decision on whether or not to leave him in the group home (6 people-2 caregivers every shift) The caregivers are angels (compared to the assisted living facility he was in for 23 days. It was like h*ll.) He receives the care he needs and has someone with him 24/7. I struggle with the guilt of not bringing him home. I still work and would have to continue in order to pay the bills. I wouldn't be at home during the day except on weekends (needing this time to do the laundry, shopping, maintenance, etc). He would be alone with a hired caregiver who may or may not work out, who may not come in as scheduled, and so on. More headaches. I would then be the primary caregiver for the evening and overnight. He is a 200 lb. man; I am average (150) with a bad back. I know I couldn't do this...even to save the monthly cost. Or could I? I feel so badly for him. Maybe I should. Conflict. Then, how about that assistance from VA or Medicaid? It's hard to qualify since I work and have an IRA for MY retirement. I believe both the VA and Medicaid count this as a joint asset. Too much. Sorry for rambling. I have to say also that I have an Eldercare attorney and a divorce attorney and a tax accountant. Will have many questions for them too. But it helps to get answers from those who have experienced the trials and tribulations. Hugs to all of you brave, strong caregivers.
I thought my divorce was the hardest thing I had every experience till becoming my mothers caregiver. After quitting my job and moving In with my mother so she could return home to live, I've come to realize this is much harder, my mother doesn't realize or except she has to have a caregiver, she has always been independent and a strong willed person and has always wanted things her way. Her not being in control is not going over to well, she thinks I need her, and I'm here using her, I do everything for her, and she never wants to give me time off or time for myself, but yet tells me she doesn't need me. Its a tuff road to care for someone who fights everything u say or do. Thank god for the support and gratitude my family gives me cause I get nothing but complaint's from her.
I hired many caregivers for my elderly Mom until I decided to quit to take care of her. I would add to your list: 11. Agree upon a meeting time each week to discuss any issues/concerns. Depending on your loved one's abilities, have them in the face-to-face also.
Finding the right caregiver can make all the difference in your loved one's life as well as yours. Lori Burdoo
Going through a divorce was a walk in the park for me compared to the constant worry about my parents.
In fact, I put Caregiving [especially those who have a parent under the same roof] in the same column as being diagnosed with cancer. You wonder if you will survive.
These are all great suggestions that the veteran caregiver's have provided. It's never too early to start the conversation with an aging family member. Using other people as examples rather than directing the conversation at the loved one can also help open up the conversation. I have also noticed that although making the decision to help a loved one move into assisted living is very tough emotionally, it generally results in improved health and well-being for everyone.
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Is Caring for Aging Parents More Stressful Than Getting Divorced?
I did come home when things quited down and i came hone in july to put ttogether a graveside memorialand a luncheon.
None of his family halped me or barely talked to me. A few days later my died while i was stil home. My husband was rude and pushed me away when i need a hug. This was after i held hid fathers hand and stayed with him while he died while he died. When we were in RI he was obnoxious and hostile to me. It was so bad other mourners even my mother comented.. finally after getting homr with hie familyat my house intil jan 30 and 2 losses on his side of the family. He wants a divorce and has wanted one for a long time. But he let me care for his father first.
I dont regret helping my father in law but i bitterly resent my husband and his family who did NOTHING at all . I m still crying every day i dont know who/what im crying for..i was glad when in kaws left so i could have some peace to mourn, after @ a week the divorce bomb dropped on my head.
I told him i wasnt going to make any decisions for a year, this is @ how long itll take anyway.
Nut any man who has a 6month affair while wife is carevive for familly had no integrity and is a guy who feels sorry for himself. Buy the way we've been married 19years together 27..
I just need. To greive my dads and move on. But i cant stop crying when im alone
.any advice or groups for recovering from caregiving.
Or why dont peple even try to understand the constant strees and the prioritiy caregiving takes while we are praying to have a life to go back to?
Sorry for bla bla blaing
Being that he was never taking his medications like he was supposed to, eventually he had a major seizure that put him in the hospital for three days; and into a rehab facility for a month.
My thoughts were that I wanted him in a place with more supervision, but he insisted that he would do fine back at his apartment and told me to give him one month..and if it didn't work..he'd go wherever I wanted him to.
I set him up with some additional care at the facility that included help with his meds and an alarm button he would push when he needed to use the bathroom. Half the time he used it and half the time he didn't. I don't know how many nights I spent sleeping on his couch fearing that he would fall as he often got out of bed on his own and wheeled himself into the bathroom in his transport chair, absolutely HAD to stand up when he urinated; thus I was twice as scared that one time he would lose his balance and fall.
I don't know how many times I lectured him on this. That if he'd only listen..he was very close to being up and walking with his cane if he'd just listen to me and press the call button when he needed to.
It was like talking to the wall!!
One morning I tried to reach him by phone (like I did every single morning), and he didn't answer. My biggest fear was that I was going to find him on the floor after he'd hit his head or something. Went over there and found him fresh out of the shower (which he did all by himself); sitting in his transport chair shaving.
Great as he thought it was, I was a bit angry and again lectured him on the evils of getting up on his own and that eventually he'd fall. All he simply had to do was push his call button and staff would be there at least to watch him and make sure he didn't fall.
Well, the day finally came where I went over to see him and his ear was all bruised. Come to find out that he had gone to the bathroom in his wheeled walker, lost his balance, and his his head so hard on the top of the toilet that he'd knocked the top askew.
Took him to his MD and he said that it seemed to be healing fine, so life went on as usual with my constant lecturing him; Dad getting angry with me..and telling me that I was treating him like a child.
A few weeks later I got a call from staff at his Independant Living Facility and they told me that he wasn't acting like himself. I'd kind of noticed in the days proceeding all of this that he was acting kind of giddy at times and would laugh non stop when something was funny. He has problems finding the food on his plate and would make a complete mess of it.
Anyway, the day staff called me, they told me that they had taken him to the bathroom in his walker with a gait belt and when he finished, he got up and said he'd forgotten how to walk. I called the ambulance, they took him in, and found that he had a subdural hematoma (and for those that don't know what that is..it's blood betweem the brain and the skull); so they rushed him 60 miles away to a hospital that drilled two holes in his skull and put in a drainage tube to drain off the blood).
CT scans showed that the blood was quickly starting to accumulate, and starting to push his brain over to the left, yet Dad was singing and talking to me, no headache or anything.
As the surgeon pointed out to me how quickly the blood was accumulating, I had to make the decision whether to have this risky surgery done or not. Either way it could have killed Dad...but he came through with flying colors.
After the surgery he was coherant and said, "I told you I'd be alright.." and he was.
However..with a brain injury like that..he had many things that he had to learn all over again such as swallowing; using his legs like he used to, etc. I decided that the best place for him was in a nursing facility where he could stay after his rehab and I knew he could no longer go back to his apartment.
Much as I wanted him to..I was just plain burnt out all these years trying to get him to take his meds on schedule; trying to get him to do the things that would protect himself; sleeping on his couch and being afraid to leave his apartment for fear of what else he'd decide to do on his own.
He is now in a nursing facility and I have to move him out of his apartment. Breaks my heart but it's what I have to do. He hates it there with everyone in his face and has his good days and bad. His brain injury has left him with no appetite so he doesn't eat much. I bring in Ensure which he drinks before every meal. He drinks the thickened drinks they put in front of him, but won't eat.
Staff tells me that for the most part he's a pretty happy guy, yet will get up when he feels like it. Again..good days and bad. Some days he'll be soo happy to see me and we can carry on a conversation..and then other days all he wants to do is sleep.
Few weeks ago staff told me that he was doing really well and then all of a sudden he was very weak one day. Couldn't use his legs like he should, and was having problems speaking. Spoke to the nurse about another possible stroke, but she didn't see that. After all we've been through with Dad and his seizures, we finally figured that he'd probably had another slight seizure.
So..I spent day after day over there keeping an eye on him, etc. He wanted to sleep all the time which is part of what happens to him after a seizure. He loses some use of his left side after a seizure also. While I insisted it was a slight seizure..staff decided that it was more behavioral and thought it best to let him come around on his own as he was cranky, uncooperative, etc.
Three weeks later he's nearly back to himself again and I got rather angry with staff about not believing be regarding a mild seizure. They're supposed to be the experts, yet it's me all the time telling them what probably happened.
Talk about frustrating!! Yet as Dad continued to improve..staff started to believe me a little more and finally started treating him like he should be treated instead of a grumpy old man that just wouldn't cooperate.
He'll never by the man he was as with this brain injury he incurred..there is still some blood on his brain which thankfully, is gradually alleviating itself. Even still, he's showing signs of dementia which his doctors told me to probably expect. Some days he's clear as a bell with his memory..and then there are others where he can't stand the site of me and can't comprehend a word I'm saying.
It's so very hard seeing him like this while I muddle through all the paperwork to get him on Medicaid. I brought in family pictures that I hung on his walls and when I first brought them in, he said, "Like I give a damn.." and then the next day he was soo very thankful for all of them.
Do any of you ever come across your loved ones saying they wish they were dead?? Or they talk about death, etc?? My dad has been talking about that since my mom passed away 10 years ago and now it's even worse. The other day when I went to visit him he told me he'd see me in heaven. Even though he gets stronger every single day and is lucky to be alive, he tells me that he'll see me in heaven.
I've told him that when God is ready, he'll be in heaven, but maybe God isn't ready for him yet as he's quit eating much, yet drinks plenty of fluids. I know he's angry with himself for putting him where he's at right now just because he wouldn't listen and I can't tell you how burnt out I am.
I'd like to visit him every day..but I just can't take him laying in bed all day..some days refusing to get up, and other days telling me the things he does about being in heaving with Mom. I know he misses her profustely, but feel like he needs to quit feeling sorry for himself.
I know it sucks to get old, but as one lady there told me when I helped her down the hall to her room, "Getting old isn't for wimps and I'll be darned if God is gonna take be before I'm ready..keep pushing!!"
Please sent out some prayers for my Dad to keep pushing like this woman does. It makes me angry that my dad could have his health back if he wanted it..as God has given him another chance in life. He just recently had his first great grandson who he will get to see soon.
However..I am burnt out beyond belief trying to talk to him..get him to eat..and to appreciate the other chance God has given him.
The paperwork is immense regarding getting him on Title 19, although I keep family members posted on everything..it's just Dad and I. They've got families of their own, live out of State..and are just too busy with their own lives.
My husband works out of State so he's not even here to help me with anything.
I continue to put one foot in front of the other and have no more tears to cry anymore for the most part. Have looked to friends that are all of a sudden nowhere to be found, so as I move my Dad in to the facility he'll spend the rest of his days in..in a hospital bed with probable nursing care..
Ugh!!
Anyone out there with some thoughts?
Sorry this was soo long. Just needed to vent to others in the same place.
Thanks for listening.
11. Agree upon a meeting time each week to discuss any issues/concerns. Depending on your loved one's abilities, have them in the face-to-face also.
Finding the right caregiver can make all the difference in your loved one's life as well as yours.
Lori Burdoo
In fact, I put Caregiving [especially those who have a parent under the same roof] in the same column as being diagnosed with cancer. You wonder if you will survive.