I like to remember this advice, that I read somewhere from a therapist. Now in my words, though.
You WILL feel guilt at first if you are new at setting boundaries. Expect that. Allow it. But do not cave in on your boundary because of it.* In time it will lessen or pass. Usually this guilt is completely unwarranted.
This was said regarding any new boundary, but really applies a lot to caregiving situations, in my opinion. Hope it helps someone else !
Brief caregiver background: Our two mothers were flown in from out of town and spent time in our home and transitioned to assisted living, nursing home, hospital, and hospice. (2007-2010) After their passing, my wife's journey included hospital admission, nursing home and total three years (13 months) under the Medicare Home Health Program. (2010-2014)
Renata, excellent advice. In addition, I suggest you get rid of the guilt before you begin the search process. Remember you are getting help for yourself......you come first and then care receiver. (Sounds out of order doesn't)
My seminar, "Who Cares for the Caregiver?" includes steps to take control and reduce stress, practice self-compassion and I, you, me time.
I call it the AAA of care/love giving.
Professional medical studies and accredited sources indicate the high physical, mental and emotional risk of taking on the caregiving responsibility (search google)
We suggest what I call the AAA steps:
ASK- Often we are reluctant to ask for help. It's true some people do not feel comfortable in that environment, however, other folks are willing to assist. Keep a list of errands, time-consuming easy tasks that can be performed by others; pick up groceries, pick up meds, etc. Keep a mental list handy of tasks. SAY YES
ACCEPT-REMEMBER this is not a luxury, this is a necessity for your p hysical and emotional wellness. You are not whining, failing as a caregiver, needy or a wimp. You are making an intelligent decision by taking action to taking care of yourself. SAY YES
A side benefit, during the caring process the care receiver may need a break from the daily, humdrum, sometimes highly charged emotional tempo created by the system you both have created. ( You know that grief, anger, guilt and anxiety are shared by the giver and taker) Open the windows get a fresh breeze.
Arrange-As suggested by the above author hire an outside agency. I know the stories told regarding stolen checks, jewelry, etc., frankly, those items should not be available to be stolen. The major agencies are professional, bonded etc.
The AAA decision should be started in the early stages of illness. It will provide additional advantages:
Establish from the get-go that you must do this for your mutual benefit and you will learn invaluably important lessons and shortcuts from the trained, professional staff at a slower pace.
Start early and hopefully, begin to enjoy your respite guilt free.
Rosemary26. I was a caregiver until two years ago that mom and dad passed away. Yes, it's hard to put the life of your sick frail parents in the hands of a total stranger. But you have the right to interview the HHA. You have a right to tell the agency you don't want that HHA and why! Caregivers must be active and present in thier parents lives once a HHA is assigned. I presently work for a Managed Long Term Care in New York City. We will help the care givers find a certified HHA. For those residing out of NYC, reach out to the Department of health or to Department of aging.
When my son developed some serious health issues and bipolar regression, I had to step back from taking care of my Mom 5 days a week. My brother and sister couldn't/wouldn't help more, so we hired an agency to come in 3 days a week for 4 hours a day. She needs more, but my hard-headed POA brother won't do it. Anyway.....(I digress) the best way to stay on top of things is to pop in unannounced. I have a key, so I just go in. The one big drawback I have seen is that if Mom says she doesn't want to eat - they cannot make her. They cannot make her do anything, really - use her walker, etc. They do light cleaning, make she has her meds and lunch, and listen to hear if she needs anything. Mom needs to be in a facility where she can be supervised 24/7, but this has to do for now. I do not feel guilty at all in even wanting Mom in a facility - what she needs must come before what she or we want. Her safety and well being has to be of first consideration.
I am now in the process of arranging a home health aide for my dad through the VA, and am working with a wonderful agency with a high standard of care. Do I feel guilt? Hardly! This is going to be instrumental in our peace of mind during the day when we're at work and cannot personally oversee things.
If this type of service is available to our loved ones, it would be short-sighted to not at least explore the option.
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How to Manage Caregiver Guilt When Hiring a Home Health Aide
You WILL feel guilt at first if you are new at setting boundaries. Expect that. Allow it. But do not cave in on your boundary because of it.*
In time it will lessen or pass. Usually this guilt is completely unwarranted.
This was said regarding any new boundary, but really applies a lot to caregiving situations, in my opinion. Hope it helps someone else !
Renata, excellent advice. In addition, I suggest you get rid of the guilt before you begin the search process. Remember you are getting help for yourself......you come first and then care receiver. (Sounds out of order doesn't)
My seminar, "Who Cares for the Caregiver?" includes steps to take control and reduce stress, practice self-compassion and I, you, me time.
I call it the AAA of care/love giving.
Professional medical studies and accredited sources indicate the high physical, mental and emotional risk of taking on the caregiving responsibility (search google)
We suggest what I call the AAA steps:
ASK- Often we are reluctant to ask for help. It's true some people do not feel comfortable in that environment, however, other folks are willing to assist. Keep a list of errands, time-consuming easy tasks that can be performed by others; pick up groceries, pick up meds, etc. Keep a mental list handy of tasks. SAY YES
ACCEPT-REMEMBER this is not a luxury, this is a necessity for your p hysical and emotional wellness. You are not whining, failing as a caregiver, needy or a wimp. You are making an intelligent decision by taking action to taking care of yourself. SAY YES
A side benefit, during the caring process the care receiver may need a break from the daily, humdrum, sometimes highly charged emotional tempo created by the system you both have created. ( You know that grief, anger, guilt and anxiety are shared by the giver and taker) Open the windows get a fresh breeze.
Arrange-As suggested by the above author hire an outside agency. I know the stories told regarding stolen checks, jewelry, etc., frankly, those items should not be available to be stolen. The major agencies are professional, bonded etc.
The AAA decision should be started in the early stages of illness. It will provide additional advantages:
Establish from the get-go that you must do this for your mutual benefit and you will learn invaluably important lessons and shortcuts from the trained, professional staff at a slower pace.
Start early and hopefully, begin to enjoy your respite guilt free.
If this type of service is available to our loved ones, it would be short-sighted to not at least explore the option.