Family Feud on our DVR is what we watch before bed. Mom can laugh, try to answer the question, critique what the guests are wearing and she knows the time of night so she relaxes and knows she is getting ready for bed then. Our huge family would play Family Feud with Richard Dawson in the 70s & 80s so it seems the familiarity is comforting and enjoyable to her now that she is alone. I listen and watch and follow her lead as to what she is seeking during this transition and I have to trust what she is teaching me as her caregiver. This inevitable process of letting each other go is unified honesty. Thank You!

Thank you so much for sharing this story. I've been thrust into a caregiving role with my dad who has end-stage COPD and have been agonizing about how to make this time with him "count." I've felt a lot of shame recently about not being able to have those big, meaningful talks. I usually default to focusing on doing tasks and then at the end of the day worry that I've made him feel more like a patient than my beloved dad. I really appreciate your perspective on this and will take it to heart!

Wonderful story. You’re right in knowing that sometimes past memories are not so pleasant to our LO. Especially for dementia patients, parents may not remember the past so when we’re trying to get them to revisit yesteryear, they are struggling to understand what we are talking about. It can be tiring and worrying for them. It only proves and reminds that they are having a medical problem that they can not control. Why add more worries and burdens on them? Just enjoy whatever moment they are in!

I'm so glad I read your blurb. My husband has dementia and there are times he knows everything that's going on, and other times, he doesn't. We too have the Jeopardy through Rick Steeves ritual. My 55 yo daughter and her family live with us and it kind of drives them nuts. We do have two days a week that they get to choose the 8 pm shows and one day they are gone in the evening, so I figure they can go watch another tv. I was feeling guilty that I don't try to interact more with him, but I recognize now that he sets the tempo for the interactions. Besides, he falls asleep because 9pm is his bedtime, so I'll try to interact in the mornings instead.

We too have had to make this adjustment in expectation. When this journey begin a year and a half ago with our mom, each of us, (my 2 sisters & I) had the same expectatiions centering around long hours of her telling us all about her life frowning up and the jobs she's had and places she's lived. Scratch that! The tv quickly because the one of the few focuses of mom's life. Tv and crossword puzzles were the only things that occupied her attention these days. Accepting that this was the new normal and what made mom comfortable and relaxed in her home made it possible to spend all day and evening with her without disappointment that we weren't working through her bucket list. What is important in this situation seems to be that we are spending the time she has left together doing what she likes to do, even if it seems at times a waste of time to me. It's part of what keeps her happy and relaxed and living at home. Which is ultimately the goal of being a caregiver. No time spent together is a waste. Gratitude for what we are given goes a long way in this journey.

Really glad to read these comments tonight because it is really hard for my mom to get up, much less out, very often. My own health has now caused me to stop working as well. Everyone seems to be in my ear about how we both MUST get out more but for now, she and I are where we need to be. When she is able to engage, we have had some of the greatest talks! When not, we just talk about our shows or other little things. And as in the original post, it is amazing how many new memories you can make sitting together in front of the TV 24/7. Boob tube life wouldn't normally be my preference, but if that's what I need to do to be with my Mom, so be it - I'd rather be here than anywhere else! Blessings to all of us ...

What a beautiful memory and so eloquently recalled. Thank you for sharing the value of self-less living-everyday-in-the-present, of knowing exactly what your father needed.

Youngestofsix: Thanks for your encouraging comments. Yes, my mom was a wonderful lady. She and I were very close, so it was hard to be effectively barred by the legal system (specifically, an assistant Atty General) from being with her at her deathbed and having closure with one another. I certainly hope that she knows that I didn't abandon her at the end. There are times that I've very strongly felt her presence over the 2 years since her death in 2012. And, she'll always have a special place in my heart for the rest of my life. As for my dad, I know that it's his mental illness and dementia that's driving this. But, because he crossed the line by lying to legal authorities, my attorney has strongly advised me to sever ties with him because he'll continue to cross the line and report me. I've already received word from people in contact with him that he continues to bad mouth me. So, I don't want legal complications and high legal costs trying to prove my innocence to a legal system that will only believe him and refuses to listen to me. Keeping my distance from my dad and staying under the legal system's radar screen is the safer of the choices. It's a shame because my dad is in his early 90s and this is a time that he needs the support of his family. Because he has alienated his entire family, I was the only one he had left (as mentioned, my sister passed away 22 yrs ago). But now, he's alienated me and has nobody. I had overlooked his disrespectful behavior toward me and his badmouthing of me to many people in his community for awhile because I felt the need to be there for both him and my mom. But, when he crossed the line by lying to authorities, I had to set a boundary and say that I will no longer accept being treated with such disregard and disrespect and being betrayed by my own parent. I've now been put in a position of having to protect myself from my own dad.

I would have loved to have been there for my dad in these last years and spent the time with him. My hope was that my mom's death would draw my dad and me closer to one another and that we'd reach a peace with each other in his last years. But, it's not going to happen because he chose to lie about me and put me in an untenable position with the legal system in his state. And, although I know that it's his mental illness and dementia talking, I'm unable to forgive him at this point in time. Maybe it will happen someday, but I'm just not ready or able right now. He has become a stranger to me that I no longer recognize.

It is indeed a gift for those adult children whose elderly parents show at some level that they want their children in their lives and are able to spend quality time with one another in those last years. If your parents are in this category, consider yourself lucky and take advantage of and cherish those times spent with your parents, even if it's watching TV together. Live in the moment of just sitting close to them and being able to hug and kiss them and tell them how much you love and appreciate them. That's a gift to both you and your parents. And, those are lasting memories that you'll cherish long after your parents are gone.

What an apropo article for me! Thank you for sharing such wise perceptions of true quality time spent with dad. I am a new caregiver for my dad and like you had preconceived notions as to how our time should be spent together. I have since learned that what makes my dad happy and WHAT I think will make him happy might be two different things. The reminiscing with pictures is not necessarily the thing that makes him smile. My mom died 7 years ago and he doesn't always want to talk about her because he loved her so and they were married for 63 years. He also doesn't want to visit her grave. I never force him it I have learned to respect his needs rather than inserting mine. So most of our quality time is spent in front of the tv or playing cards, domino, etcetera. My dad's mind is still amazingly intake for a man of 95 years old. So thank u for your reminder that happiness and joy showe up in different ways and as the child we must learn to readjust our own expectations as to what that looks like. Blessings

Thank you for this, Anna. I appreciate the reminder that real life is not like the movies, and am encouraged that you found comfort and meaning in spending low-key time with your father. I imagine that one's final days are tiring enough without feeling pressured to be heroic.

I think you and your daddy had great days together so treasure them no matter how small they are. My mother is in an assisted living home and I hoped to bring her home but all she wants to do is go to her home but she can't because their is no one to help her. She is always putting me down so but let someone else come in the room and she is nice and smiling. I am the only child now that my brother passed away about ten yrs ago. People never knew he had a sister because mom never had much to do with me because brother was her favorite. Now she wants me to give up my family to look after her, When I go to see her she says mean things to me.

Thanks for sharing...my father passed away in 2012.. I miss him so..I look back on those times we spent together in front of the tv because he couldn't do or say anything else...treasure those times... When we talked about books as we were both avid readers... Sitting outside on the porch on good days..just being together

I am so glad for you! You did what was right for both of you!

Lovely original post.
I agree, my dad likes me just to sit in peace with him.
I record classical music documentaries for him, and anything I think would be of interest to him.
We sit and listen to a lot of music (some makes him sad because it reminds him of mum, who died only last month)


He was a Spitfire and Meteor pilot, and I have managed to find an airfield with a working meteor & I wrote to the owners to ask if any chance I could bring him along and them fire up the engines for him.
Long shot, but I just heard they'd be delighted!
Just need to set the date and hope for warm weather! (He is 89, and it is almost November! Don't want him to catch cold, but equally don't want to wait til Spring, just in case!!

Praying for a warm Indian Summer!!!

BIG hug to rr4terps
Totally feel for you.
Hold onto the good memories.
Forgive your dad. I know it's hard, but it is his illness talking.
Your mum sounds like she was a wonderful lady. You just remember that. She will know why you could not be there. Not sure what your beliefs are, but I think she is with you and would want you to be happy.

I am going through the same thing with my dad,exactly the same. I love this site because I do not feel so all alone doing this. God Bless you for giving your dad your time even if it wasn't how you expected..Hugs to you!!!!

Anna, you have the heart of a caregiver. It seems your Dad loves living in the present and you give that to him on his terms. Sweet evenings together.

FreyaE: Dealing with a parent who has Alzheimer's means having a new normal. My mom, now deceased, had dementia as a result of a stroke. While I live 1200 miles from my parents (my mom is now deceased), I phoned my mom often. As with your dad, my mom often talked about things that hadn't happened, and like you, I just went along with it and enjoyed our conversations, accepted the new normal/my new mom, and enjoyed and cherished the times I had with her-- and rejoiced that she recognized my voice on the phone and me in person and that her face lit up when she either heard my voice or saw me. I have good and lasting memories of those times with my mom and will always cherish those new normal times along with the memories of my mom before she became demented. Unfortunately, certain actions taken by my severely mentally ill dad both led me to be effectively barred from my mom during her last month of life and not being at her deathbed and also caused both my mom and me alot of mental and emotional trauma. My dad's betrayal of me in the form of blatant lies about me to legal authorities in his state, has caused me to have to sever ties in order to avoid further horrible encounters with his state's legal system. So, I guess I'm also one of those people who can say that I can't look back at these very last memories of my parents with any happiness. My last memories of my parents will be ones I'll want to forget, although I'll have good memories of earlier times before dementia came into play and before my dad's mental illness became so severe (he had a long standing mental illness dating back to his younger years, but my mom kept my dad under control and shielded my sister and me from his illness). You're lucky that you had good times with your dad and that he was able to tell you and show you that he loved you, two things that my dad has been unable to do for the past 6 -8 years, although he can very readily tell non-family members that he loves them and show it to them. As your dad and the good memories you made with him when he had Alzheimer's are a gift to you, so is it with my mom.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad that you've had the opportunity to make and share new memories with your dad and to spend quality time with him. Although it would have been nice to be able to go places with him, spending focused time with him at home is also very valuable. You brought up a good point about the need to share and relive past memories. For some elderly people this is too painful and it's better to just spend the time in the moment with them. Watching TV with your dad was/is your quality time with him. I'm betting that just your presence there with him is a joy and a gift for him at this difficult time for both of you. And,watching TV and discussing what you're watching gives him a break from thinking about his medical situation.

Thank you for sharing your story. Reminds me of the last times i had with my dad. i treasured those moments just watching tv. he'd get so confused about things but i tried to keep it light. i loved his smile when he was happily talking about things that didn't necessarily happen. i knew not to bug him about them and just let him be happy and proud of his "memories". Even when he mistook me for mom he knew that he loved me and i loved him and we would hug and say I love you. How many people can look back on their last memories of their folks and say that? I learned to take life on life's terms and look for the love. Dad is gone now but i have many happy memories of our times together when he had Alzheimers. That was a gift to me.