Great Daughter Granyhuskr... (you are so right!....). The Doctor practice Senior Care of Colorado was bought out a few years ago... after that it was mostly about the money... Each Doctor was told to spend 20 minutes only with there patients... her Doctor was stressed ou to the max, because they had to see a certain number of patients... everything when downhill for the patients and doctors...

Unfortunately I learned a year ago just how most of the medical doctors view senior citizens when my mother suddenly developed a terribly painful leg in the summer of 2015. After much persuasion my mother agreed to go to the doctor and he said it was her back and treated her with pain killers. After a month of pain killers, her leg began to swell and intense pain in her leg and after multiple phone calls and trips to the doctor I took her to the emergency room where they admitted her and treated her for low sodium, then sent her home after a week. Her leg continued to be extremely swollen and painful. More phone calls and trips to her GP until once again I took her to the emergency room. I was told it was just her old age (she was 91) but after much discussion they did a doppler on her leg and found that she had a massive blood clot . She was treated and sent home, two weeks later she was sent to a blood doctor (because the GP didn't want o deal with it anymore) who took one look at her and said it was old age and sent her home. That night I returned to the emergency room with her where I refused to take her home and told the doctors that no one, no matter what age should have to suffer like this so they just better figure out what is going on and help her. The end result is she had another blood clot in her leg and low potassium. They treated her and over a year later she is looking forward to turning 92 in a couple of months and doing well. The biggest lesson I learned from this experience is that doctor's will overlook things in the elderly as old age, and we must be their advocates.

I am in total agreement with HippieMamma regarding hospice. Both my younger sister and my mother spent their last days in hospice, and in my conversations with hospice staff, the universal lament was that people waited too long, and not only the patient, but the family could not fully benefit from what they had to offer. My sister was treated with dignity and tenderness, unlike the hospital, where there was way too much judgement going on , as she had lung cancer, despite having quit smoking over 20 years ago. I had the same dismissive lack of compassion from her doctor. And when my mother last days came, my remaining sister and I had no second thoughts about transferring her as soon as possible to hospice. Even the hospitals palliative care unit did not even come close to the care and comfort of hospice, as their training is to cure, not comfort. Hospice is very much underutilized by people thinking that it pushes you to death. Not so.

Would you please check and see if they undermedicated your dad. They did, I caught them. They wanted to put her in hospice, the whole family did for cellulitis! I put my foot down, pitched a fit. So did my mother. Her granddaughter did it. This was at Methodist H ospital in Houston. My mother is 88, got well and is in a nursing home. This was March first and it's Nov. now. She does not want to be under-medicated. If I had not had cellulitis myself I never would have caught it. What's going on with our seniors? Is it all about money?

As the director of a home health and hospice agency I do not believe this was good advice for your followers. I agree completely that physicians say and act incorrectly just like the rest of us and that we should at times all make a decision that differs from the physician. I disagree with your disapproval of the physician speaking to you about hospice. Many people make the decision to come onto hospice care "too late" in their journey. I believe you may have made your decision based on your misconception of hospice and what it means. I have never taken the time to comment on a blog before but feel so strongly about how wonderful hospice can be for the patient and their family that I felt I had to respond. Hospice does not mean you are going to die or that you must be ready to die. When a patient has a terminally diagnosis that they no longer wish to seek aggressive treatment for that is the correct time to come onto hospice and benefit from hospice services. Almost all family/caregiver surveys, (which are mandated by CMS to be mailed by an outside vendor) show that the only regret they have is that they did not obtain hospice services sooner. You have an audience and it is important to give accurate information so that those that follow you make an educated decision on the facts of hospice and not an emotional one because your dad was having a good day. Hospice can increase and improve the number of good days for all.

I was in a similar situation this year. My lucid, 92 year old, Dad, was given a metastatic cancer diagnoses and chose Hospice Care. This care was, initially, at home and then in a beautiful Hospice House. I can not say enough good things about Hospice as opposed to remaining in a Hospital setting. Hospice is paid for 100% by Medicare. Hospice employees , form the CNA's to Physicians are the most caring and compassionate health care workers. Hospice care is available for up to 6 months or the patient may change their mind and end Hospice care whenever they choose. Grief counseling is available for 1 year after the loved one has passed.
I would like to point out that Hospice is not a bad word and that the patient, if mentally competent, and/or the Medical Surrogate, if the patient is not competent should be given this choice along with all other choices at the time of diagnosis. Additionally, we, need to be as well informed, medically, as possible because, ultimately, we need to be the masters of our own fate.

Ild1227 - I wish I had access to your expertise over the last 9 weeks. I kept a detailed notebook after each discussion with Doctors, Nurses, Assisted Living Directors, Insurance, Medicaid. Its been quite a learning experience getting the help my Father needed for his dementia that has been progressing. I live 600 miles away and finally opted to bring Dad to the state I live in. I find it so amazing how some people believe you plop your loved one down in a facility and happily walk out the door. Return in a few days with fresh baked cookies. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. I'm grateful to be moving him to a facility with a memory care unit in two days, he will be 15 minutes from my home and I can finally check on him frequently, bring him home to have dinner and sit on my front porch and watch the horses.. We have to do more than just shake our heads YES, we have to be advocates for our loved ones. Research their medicines and get to the bottom of all the health care options available. Ask questions..I'm relentless when it comes to my family. I treat all the Medical Professionals with respect, kindness, and listen to their advice. and in return I usually get it back. My Dad is doing so good now, and I do worry about moving him, however, I do believe this is the best thing for him...and for me!

The article itself is fantastic! I thoroughly agree that we need to remove physicians from the pedestal upon which society has put them. That means we have to become more informed and become advocates for ourselves and for our loved ones. "Go with your gut."

I do, however, have a problem with some of the responses you received. I think that hospice is poorly understood, to say the least. My husband is presently in the hospice program; and I am able to keep him at home with me while getting tremendous support from hospice. Using this program DOES NOT mean you've given up in any way, shape or form. In my case, it means I want to do my best for my beloved. I want him home with me and the family and I need more support which I'm finally getting. Hospice is not the "Kiss of Death." In my case, it was a cry for "More Help." Asking for that is not wrong. I wish people had a better understanding of what the Hospice Program is meant to do.

Sadly, you are so right. As a trained gerontologist (not geriatrician - who are medical doctors), we deal with an aging patient's mental state and also work with family members and caregivers. Sadly - again - while our society is fully aware of the baby boomer explosion where the senior population will double within the next 15 years, psychology experts have been researching the needs and demands of the aging population for about 40-50 years now, but have done little to prepare for this soon-to-be crisis. Gerontologists do not get the recognition they deserve, nor does the field of gerontology. Medical professionals are not trained in bedside manner and if gerontologists were utilized more effectively and efficiently, your family would have been treated with a bit more dignity, awareness and sensitivity. Doctors' expertise are critical . . . . and so are gerontologists. Write the hospitals and doctors and maybe then, they will realize that many of us are ready, willing and able to appropriately blend in with their over-taxed staff and give a helping hand. I am sorry for your negative experience.

A very good friend of mine had a father who was in and out of the hospital and a rehab institution; they took him off all his meds and sent him home on hospice--he did better and lived almost a year and a half with his family and hospice taking care of him at home. His insurance company got crabby because he did live longer than they expected.

We have to go with our gut feeling. I wouldn't want a doctor to sugar coat what he/she thought regarding my health or the health of a loved one just so I wouldn't get upset. Let me get upset now so I start planning on what to do next.

Back when I had cancer I was able to choose what doctors I wanted to help me though my journey. I actually went onto the Internet, looked up various doctors, looked at their resumes, and *interviewed* them.

Out of the fantastic group that was going to help me, just one who I interviewed was scratched off the list..... the office was dark/gloomy, the staff didn't smile, his nurse wasn't user friendly, and the doctor was condescending.... he put his hand in my and said "now, now, dear, everything will be ok".... that approached worked with my Mom' generation... but I was an independent woman, I wanted him to talk to *ME*, not to just my sig other out in the hall.

I had a similar experience with my mom. She always told me (even when she was younger and in good health) that she did not want to be a vegetable. She didn't want any heroic measures when the time came either. When she was not able to come home again after a lengthy illness and many hospital visits, I knew that I had to honor her wishes (hard at the time). I told the doctors no matter how much they pushed feeding tubes and other things to help her, I said that the only thing I want for her is to be pain free and comfortable. They kept asking me, and I kept saying the same thing. Finally, they agreed and she only lived for about 6 more days, but she felt no pain and I felt good that I was able to carry out her wishes. No regrets. You have to be an advocate in these situations so that your loved ones have a voice.

I will be happy to share my thoughts. While the dr's bedside manner may have been too blunt (in both instances), the American public needs to be educated in the truth about hospice care. When a person is under hospice care, this does not mean the death knell is ringing for you. It does not mean you have given up on life. What it means is, you will get MORE care, BETTER care, MORE supplies, and MORE frequent caregiver visits of all sorts: nurses, home health aides, volunteers, chaplains, social workers, etc. I am a home health nurse and I see every day both in person, and in the news re: celebrities and such, that hospice care is only begun one or two days before the pt finally succumbs. How frustrating this is for hospice personnel....before they have completed the admission paperwork, their patient is already gone. It is a common fallacy that you cannot get on hospice until you have only 6 mos to a year. Many people get the green light for hospice and they go on to live longer than a year afterward. Meantime they enjoy a much higher level of care. It also does not mean that you are no longer being treated. It means that aggressive treatment is scaled back when it is realized that aggressive treatment will only prolong the inevitable. I have had patients refuse hospice because they think Dr. Kevorkian will be their doctor. In truth, you will receive palliative care that will make you more comfortable. Individuals often "rally" right before their death....they suddenly sit up, get dressed, put on makeup, become more lucid, laugh and enjoy their loved ones for one final day or two and then suddenly they are gone. Hospice workers are sorely limited when they have not gotten the chance to learn what your goals and dreams are before all they can do is the bare minimum...it must be very frustrating for them.

So happy your dad had the final say. What a wonderful POA you were for your dad.
Being a nurse for 30 years i understand the frustration that comes from caring for people who never complied and expect a magic fix.
However some docs need a lesson in compassion and how to speak to
People. I am sorry for your loss.

It's not at all uncommon for a terminally ill patient to have a rally and a really good day just before the last downhill slide. That happened to my mother-in-law as well, also a lung cancer patient. Also, we went through that as well--my husband refused to stay with our long-time primary doctor because he saw him as "rude" and inconsiderate, and went to a very nice doctor who missed what was going on with him--we'll never know if how much difference it made long run but the side effects of the mistaken treatment were serious. The "rude" doctor probably saved my sister-in-law's life; she was having trouble getting to the bottom of what was was wrong with her, and my doctor checked her out, and then got on the phone with a department head at Kaiser Hospital and said "you will see this lady, and you will see her NOW!" Within a week she was having essential neurosurgery. Bottom line is that you need to look past the personalities at their performance, and also do you your own due diligence and be informed.

I have had to deal with doctors who each had a totally different opinion and each would criticize the other (I felt like telling them to thrash it out between them and then tell me what they decided) I have also had problems with doctors who refused to hear about any new articles, or treatment, and also refused to consider any alternative medicine ( though this does seem to be changing) Some of the best doctors I have dealt with are willing to admit that they don't know something, or don't have time to keep up with the latest news. I would be more willing to trust them than someone with a high and mighty attitude who acts as if they think they are God. ( And I just dealt with that yesterday, and my dad says he will not be going back to the doc)
If they would just treat their patients and caregivers with the same respect and courtesy as they treat their own family, and stop looking at them like a walking paycheck, things would be so much easier on everybody)

Doctors are just people. Some of the best doctors I've known have terrible bedside manners. And some of the others I've known have wonderful bedside manners, but they are totally incompetent as doctors. Being a blunt person myself at times, I don't mind a doctor being blunt with me. Personally I would rather know the truth, so I would know what I needed to do. And I recognize that my parents and I are just one group of patients that this doctor tends to. Doctors cannot get too tangled emotionally with their patients or their jobs would be insufferable. Patients, particularly older ones, are going to die. The doctor has to live on without being pulled down by grief each time a patient is lost.

That said, I saw no problem in what the doctors discussed here did, only in how it was received. The doctor who recommended hospice was spot-on. He saw what was coming two days later. Sometimes a doctor has to shake a family to reality that a loved one will be passing soon. No one wants to hear this, but it does need to be said.

I've never thought of doctors as being anything but intelligent people. If they don't have good bedside manners, it is okay as long as they are competent at their job.

Many doctors are in my family. They run the spectrum from pediatricians to geriatricians with specialists in between. Despite the wide range of patients they see they all agree that 9 out of 10 patients are not compliant and take their health for granted. It's only when they have a scare that they start eating better, exercising, taking their meds as indicated, or any number of things that fall under doctors' orders. My family members are frustrated by their patients who seek their advice but don't accept it. It is true that some doctors have poor bedside manners but they are the exception. Like patients, family members often don't want to accept what a physician has to offer regardless of how it's communicated.

Totally agree. Non medical hospital worker for 25 years. Yes doctors are mere mortals. When you know what you know, stick with it! Never allow them to force tokyo do something that you know isn't right!

Thank you for thiese excellent words. Your passion, experience and expression are clear. I had both an emotional and a visceral reaction when reading your strength,
love, and clarity. My father passed away 3 years ago this week. I was the health care proxy and wish I could have read this at that time. But it will stay with me for the future. Thank you, again.

You know your parent better than a doctor. I probably would have made the same decision. As least you father enjoyed a few more days out of hospice with his loving daughter who had the intelligence and strength to make her best decisions for her parent (as he would have wished). God Bless you. You're a wonderful daughter.

Beautifully written. I too have lost faith in the medical system. You sound like someone who wanted only the best for your dad, and refused to give up on him, as it should be. You did the best you possibly could for him. It's unfortunate that advocates/family caregivers aren't treated with more respect and compassion. It does seem that many medical providers are unable to put themselves in another's shoes, which is difficult to understand and accept. It shouldnt be that way. I'm sorry you did not get the compassion and respect you deserved....Hopefully you will get it here. You should write an editorial for your local paper. I'm sure a lot of people would relate to your experience.