I love getting emails to my inbox reminding me that my struggles as a caretaker don't matter because I have junk between my legs. Real nice AgingCare. Guess people in my position should just go kill ourselves.
My brother doesn't work and lives ten minutes away from our mom and DOES NOTHING. I work full time and care for my son and have to do it all. My sister lives next door and does minimal effort. Yep, it always falls on one person who ends up having to sacrifice so much...
I, as an only child, a daughter, took care of my mom when she had Alzheimer’s, with help from Hubby, who took care of his mom when she had Alzheimer’s. My mom lived with us, (for 5 years, when Alzheimer’s struck), but his mom lived in Assisted Living/Memory Care, but he’d still visit her daily after dinner, to make sure she was being taken care of, to encourage her to drink some supplemental protein drinks when needed, to buy her needed supplies, etc. He has sisters, but his mom lived closer to us, so for logistical reasons, and the fact that he has a strong caregiving personality, he helped out the majority of the time. I have met other men who were also the caregivers for their moms. I think it just depends upon circumstances, personalities, etc.
Since joining this forum last year, I usually begin a comment with I am a son who was the full-time caregiver for my mom. When I see a response or a guestion from another male, I note that it's good to see males getting involved. I was called out recently by another responder who wondered what was so special between a man vs woman caregiver. I responded that all caregivers are important, and that I only highlight the male role because I believe more men should step up to the plate.
I have two brothers and one sister. None were involved in my mother's care. They never asked about her, and I never provided information, as my focus was on making the needed decisions that would help me keep her safe in the family home. I did not have time for the extra "noise" I would have received if I got them involved in the decision-making process. They only found out about my role at her funeral. They had no say in that either. I simply called my oldest brother, told him to contact the other two, and be at the funeral home at the designated time if they wanted to see mom. To my surprise, they showed up. My oldest brother was shocked when I told him the number of years I had been helping mom out. He was also shocked that mom did not look like she was 93 years old (The funeral director did not have to do much with her appearance.) I told him what she looked like in the casket is what I saw when I woke her up in the morning and put her to bed at night. My siblings missed out on helping the lady that helped them throughout their lives complete the journey to the sunset of her life. I am so proud I was with her on that journey.
In addition to strengthening my communication and organizational skills, I learned the importance of empathy, compassion, and patience. More men are needed to assist those who are caregivers, or become the caregiver themselves. The bottom line is ALL caregivers who participate in this forum are important. We each have something to offer to those who seek assistance regarding their own caregiving journey.
My brother lives a half an hour away. He is single with no kids. My sister lives 5 minutes away. Here's how they help: not at all. My brother, who I thought was more reasonable--I asked him why can't he come 1 Saturday a month to sit with my mom so I can have a day out, go to a hotel and sleep, whatever. Nothing. My mom told him I need help because I'm also working full-time, trying to take care of her and pack up my house to downsize and must get rid of everything in the basement, garage and two storage rooms because since my husband's death, it's too much and I'm losing my retirement funds taking care of her. Nothing. Once about two years ago he did stop by for 3 hours because I had to go to the doctor. My mom told him I cut all the grass in the front of the house, and since I was sick and exhausted, could he do the back yard while he was there. He took a nap while he was supposedly visiting my mom instead. She said he probably didn't know how to start the mower (you turn the key that's IN THE MOWER). Nothing's ever been expected of them, so that's what they do: NOTHING. My mom once said "she expected more of me because I'm the nice one." Ugh, talk about grooming . . .
They both have plenty of animosity toward me for some reason (they think I'm getting something out of this that they're not--so far what I've gotten is diagnosed with heart disease that I didn't have three years ago when I started this). My brother calls my mom every day for less than 3 minutes at dinner time. Why would they do more when they can pile it on me? They don't help emotionally, financially or physically. At the beginning when I took her in, they said they would. They don't ask if I need a break, don't give me one when I ask, and treat me like I don't exist. This is because I set boundaries like I won't give them the keys to my house and 24/7 access since at least one of them has taken stuff from me. However, they are more than welcome to visit her (in privacy) any time I am home, which is every evening and four days a week during the day. They are also welcome to take her to their homes. Never had a great relationship, but I used to try. I will never ever talk to them again when mom passes and I am not sorry about it. They are not the kind of caring or giving individuals that I'd like in my life. They are not my friends and they are not family. I am related by blood but not by heart. This has only brought it more to the forefront.
I have three older brothers and younger sister. I've become the full-time caregiver for Mom. I'm the only Gay son. I know of lots of Gay children who take on this role. Perhaps because we're less likely to have children of our own. And I'm sure other reasons. I'd love to see an article about this trend in a subset of the caregiving population.
As the daughter in this scenario with a brother who will not engage with our father in any care giving duties, I can say this is a very real issue. I have other friends who are in the same boat. However, it is also up to us daughters how much of our lives we give over to care for our parents. I live very far away from my father and decided for my own well being not to move back home to be near him because I know that I would quickly be thrust into being his primary full time caregiver. The distance gives me a buffer. I do what I can from here and visit every 5-6 months. He has Alzheimer’s at 82 years old. He is a very difficult person who won’t accept help and refuses to discuss what is coming and what his future needs will be. I know that he would be perfectly happy letting me live near him and be on call for every little thing all while refusing to admit to actually needs the help. I see what happens to women who give up their lives to care for aging parents. I refuse to become one of those women. So I wait for an event that triggers placement, he will go into memory care, and I will continue to be a long distance daughter doing what I can from 3000 miles away.
yes i took more care of my dad, than the other siblings did. now i'm helping with my brother - which i don't mind. it's that when i tell my older brother i need help it's like he just makes comments but doesn't say i will go there!!!! this is very upsetting and frustrating. don't tell me to tell him bc he is a person who likes to scream alot. i'm 75 and it's alot on me. a sister lives in another state, another brother still works and owns a business, and the older brother lives 30 mins away but just seems to be content giving orders. i don't even try to care about it any more. so I just continue to help my brother who has health issues and thats that.
God bless all the women, who are the sole caretakers in their family - you will be rewarded someday.
I am glad to see this issue discussed here. My brothers and I have been working together to help our mom recover from a number of issues, and I feel very lucky that we have been able to stay on the same page.
I live in Florida while mom and brothers live in Illinois. I have been handling communication with social workers, doctors, a variety of home health professionals, etc. as well as being the conduit for information to keep the family informed. It has been a lot, but it’s taken pressure off of my brothers and mom.
In talking to my mother in law about this, she said to me “you are lucky your brothers are involved. This is your responsibility since you are the daughter.”
when my mom broke her ankle in August, I learned via a group text from her to family members that her plan for recovery was for me to fly in and stay with her for two weeks. She never discussed it with me.
while I was there, I overheard a conversation mom was having with a friend, and the friend said “well you can’t expect the same level of care from the boys.”
she is currently in the hospital again and said “can you come back?”
Luckily, my brothers do not share this view. They think this is outdated thinking and I should not feel that I need to take on all of mom’s problems because I am the girl.
That said, if I lived closer, there likely would be even more pressure for me to be the one taking on everything. I suspect my mom’s plan for aging is to eventually move in with me, even though it has never been discussed. I will be having an honest conversation with her about it if we can ever keep her out of the hospital for more than a week at a time.
She is only 71 and is mentally competent. I want to love and support her, but I do not feel that I should be responsible for her entire future simply because I am the only child that is female.
My husband was the primary caregiver for his father, and did an excellent job, but I have to note: my husband has no sisters. Now I am the primary caregiver to my mother, and my brother contributes very little. I think men are perfectly capable of caregiving, but for various reasons, women wind up doing the majority of it. Some of this has to do with society's expectations: when my mom started having trouble, everyone (neighbors, friends, relatives) contacted me; no one contacted my brother, who actually lives closer to my mom than I do. There was a clear expectation from all concerned (including my mom) that I would manage everything, regardless of the cost to my own family and career. It is difficult to be the "good daughter" everyone expects while also being responsible to my husband, kids, and employer; I don't think men are often expected to make the same sacrifices.
I just feel super blessed that my husband and I have worked as a team. My mother was the first to need care. My husband and I took turns doing the daily visits when she was in a NH. I tended to take care of things like clothes purchases...but I knew her tastes and sizes. When she was "well" enough to come home (yes, there is a little sarcasm there), then my husband was the one who took care of bed to chair transfer, helping her get in and out of a car...a lot of the lifting kinds of things. We always shared cooking responsibilities. It was just a team thing. I think because of the gender, I did tend to take care of the hygience things, because I think my mom just felt more comfortable. But my husband had to help with transfer to a bedside commode. Again...we tried to be respectful of my mom's modesty while also acknowledging that my husband is much the stronger of the the two of us...and my step-dad could do no lifting at all.
My step-father was the next to go down. Actually, he's at home but is continuing to have decreased mobility. I have to say my husband has shouldered the greater part of the burden of care. One, he is retired and is at home. Two, there are some things he can physically do that I can't. I take care of all the financial matters. Honestly, my husband takes care of hygiene. Again, partly because this involves transferring or lifting. At this point, I work full-time, my husband doesn't, so he does a LOT of the day-to-day care.
In the meantime, my husband's mother has developed early onset dementia. At this point, her husband shoulders most of the care. When that time comes when she may be at home but need supervision, the entire family (my husband, me, my son and two daughters) are prepared to step up until that point where she may need an assisted living or supervised living facility. When my mom was in the hospital, she didn't want to be alone, she we just rotated as our schedules allowed.
I guess it wasn't and isn't about gender. For us, it's about meeting needs. I can see where I might understand my MIL's clothing tastes better as she starts to need a different kind of clothing. However, because my husband will no doubt be in that longterm memory, she may react better to his assistance than mine. We'll see. Again, it's going to be about who can best meet needs.
And, as we found out with my mother, there came that point where a home healthcare person became that person.
Certainly the females in our family were more conscientious about taking care of our father. One of the males liked to tell others what to do but never actually helped. Geography and extended families also played a part. The single female who lived nearby did the majority of caregiving. My parents knew it would be this way. They set her up with all the authority. If you are going to have the responsibility, you also need the authority.
I wish there were more male caregivers in AL, LTC living. My father felt much more secure being helped by a male nurse in the hospital than with the smaller females that tend to be in the care giving professions. Two small aids in his NH could not handle my 165 pound father and so they sent him to the hospital "to get stronger". They didn't want him to fall on their watch. He never returned.
When my brother was the close sibling my mother in the throes of dementia and dad trying to care, brother's care consisted of inviting my folks to dinner once a week and occasional visits in between. But as the disease progressed and mom's issues were overwhelming, my dad felt the need to move to be closer to me. He knew (before I did!) that I was the designated caregiver. Thank God I don't do this alone - the out-of-town siblings are ready to come and cover when I need to be out of town, and my dad prepared well and has the resources to live in a senior community. My role is to keep him in independent living and not move to assisted living, which I've observed wouldn't really give him the help he needs. I think parents do their children a disservice by not discussing their plan when as they age. I don't think my dad intended to have me do this alone - only to take the lead. The siblings not involved in day to day care need to know they need to step up when needed, not just in crisis.
Sometimes I think as far as siblings are concerned-- it is the shock and denial of losing a parent even before they die--- so it take a stronger spirit to carry the load-- I found that my Christian background helped with that--- even my sister the POA could not quite should the load-- so it was left to me. November 11th our mother passed away after a last stand at 88 years old. We are going to my sister's place in Massachusetts for a family gathering. I imagine I will hear all sorts of guilt come out or not. But it is finally over. And Mom is in her Glorified Body in Heaven finally with my Father. No, I am not upset or angry with my 3 sisters-- they have their reasons for not being a greater part of the care that went into helping Mom move from the beginning of dementia to the end. As her oldest and only son, I felt it was my duty-- and it was. So I am not going to carry any unneeded baggage to my grave. La.
Women have been bringing home the bacon AND cooking it too for quite a few years now. I thought we were past off of this gender separation.... I am taking my own car to be fixed and cutting my own grass and working full time. I don't see any men jumping up to take those manly tasks off of my hands. I also have a brother who is an RN who won't lift a finger to take care of our mother who has dementia. When any person chooses not help to take care of their parents and lets all the hard, emotional, thankless work fall on the other sibling, no matter what the gender, it is a conscious decision to be selfish and lazy. This has nothing to do with gender....its a character flaw.
My experience with both my parents was that I, as the daughter, provided more of the hands-on care than did my brother, despite the fact (or maybe because) he is a doctor. In my mom's case, my brother could only make a short visit because he lived on the other side of the country. But even when he was there, he left most of the day-to-day caregiving tasks (and housework, and snow shoveling) to me and my dad. By the time my dad was in his last illness, he was living an hour away from my brother, but my brother still limited himself to occasional visits, phone calls, and arrangements for caregivers to be around. My dad's companion and I were the ones who were there 24/7 doing all of the caregiving tasks.
I am the only one that makes sure my mom has care since my dad died last Nov. I have to maintain her 3 bed 3 bath house plus my own house and work a full time job managing a office. My brother has not seen her in 5 months and been no help what so ever. But I bet he will be the first one there with his hand out for his share when she dies. I am beyond pissed that I am made to take care of everything and get calls constantly with all her drama.
I am a son, and I give 95% of the care to my mother compared to my other 3 siblings who are sisters. My brothers in law also help. This is mostly due to geographic location. It hasn't been easy, grocery shopping, bill writing, lawn mowing and yard care, along with house hold repairs, meal preparation from time to time. Also driving her to and from appointments. I am willing to do this as long as it keeps her out of assisted living and care facilities, and try to get as much of her life behind her before that occurs.
Yeah there's an eerie undertone in the connection of otherwise separate abuses. I don't think you've/we've gone off the topic focus, just expanded it which shows that there's a bigger picture with hidden objects, twists and turns. You have a lot of clear and interesting points that come from experience and research. The first time I commented in this thread I only saw the vague picture and personally I like having someone come in from a different angle and shine a light on the areas I hadn't seen. You mentioned starting thread, let me know if you do, I'll show up. :-)
Your clinical analysis brings some historical breadth to my understanding. It is sad how that unhealthy grooming is past down from one generation to another, but someone has to be the one who breaks the chain.
You were right in your first comment before you corrected yourself. Both my wife and I were groomed by our moms. I don't know the historical roots of it (and I really don't want to know) but my mom and her younger sister groomed their boys. I was an only child.
My aunt had three boys. Her boys have never gained the freedom that I have. I"m resisting giving you some very concrete evidence of just how enmeshed they are. That would contribute nothing but my venting about what I know.
The reason that I use the word groom is that someone on this sight said it was also used to describe how abusers groom their victims for their abuse. The grooming that I wrote about is abuse and sets the person up to be further abused. Although it is covert, my therapist tells me it is very prevalent and from what I've read just as damaging as covert abuse.
The books and articles that have been written about emotional incest, mom enmeshed men, when parents make their children their partner and more all attest to how big a problem this is.
In my own journey, I found that there is something about a parent's decline and having to deal with that which brings many unresolved issues to the surface. As my wife and I have worked through our similar journeys, we have found the intimacy of our marriage has grown.
Some things in our young lives are so overtly bad and painful that our young minds cannot wrap around it and thus bury it and that very often until in our 50's for reasons that I have yet to understand, but have seen that to be a very common repeated theme.
Wow, I have really gone away from the OP original focus.
You're right cmagnum, it's a devestating mess. I can only relate to it in a clinical sense. It has evolved for the better but not fully. The end of the 1940's marked a significant transition away from that grooming, preening, scheming method of childrearing but the 1940's are far from being "the olden days" and we are still reaping the harvest of that seed planted not so long ago. I can and I do empathize with the people I come in contact with, those who struggle with those backwards dance steps you mentioned. It's terribly hard to comprehend their ideas when they speak about it as if it were normal. Its like witnessing the sins of the father (mother) revisited on the son (daughter). Yikes! To add insult to the injury they've already suffered, they in turn are raising their children in the same way. Who can blame them, it's all they've known since the day their lives began. Sad.
Thanks. We are talking about two different versions of grooming. I would hope the unhealthy version is a minority. Maybe we get an unique slice of the whole pie here, but from what I've seen since starting here in 2009, there sure are a lot of daughters who have been groomed in a dysfunctional manner with emotional blackmail that continues to haunt theme today and only a few men who are mom enmeshed men (boys emotionally) who place the honor or their mom before the honor or their wife. I've seen an even smaller number of dad enmeshed daughters or sons, but that does happen.
My wife has escaped the entanglement of that emotional dance which her sister is still trapped in despite all that her therapist has offered her support to do as well have as well. I escaped the emotional dance that I was in, but not all men do. That's why we have books about emotional incest and mom enmeshed men who are more married to mom emotionally than they are to their wives.
Yes, such dysfunction is hard to wrap one's mind around. For some who have never seen it, they may find it hard to believe it exists. Others are so deep into the dance that they've been led to believe it is normal and that is how all families are which is not true either.
I don't like even writing about this subject, but someone has too. I've thought about starting a thread on just that subject alone since it goes right along with the thread about the power of emotional blackmail.
As for me, my own life experiences and my work exposed me to much of this very early on. It's not healthy. It's hard to escape. It's difficult to maintain at times. Some never do escape for various reasons and because it is so hard, we should not judge them. It just looks like narcissistic and borderline mothers take advantage of their daughter's nurturing natures as well as the nurturingness of some men who are more naturally inclined that way and then groom them emotionally to respond to future blackmail. It's a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cmagnum, I apologize, I didn't see your reply until tonight of all things! Really sorry about that. In response, we are talking about two different dynamics, dysfunctional and non-dysfunctional family life. I agree that what you state is unfortunately true in some families but in a comparatively smaller case instance. I can only speak of my own experience with total clarity, for me to try and wrap my mind around the dysfunctional aspects of gender/child rearing (that i have zero experience with) and speak about it clearly and intelligibly, I don't even want to try and pull that off. I'd be a fool.
Even in the paid caregiver field, I recently noticed that the agency I had called to set up caregivers, out of the 8 that came to help over the past 3 days [being it was a last minute panic call for help, thus I was sent fill-ins for half shifts, etc], only one was a male. And this was a part-time job for him as he is employed full-time elsewhere not doing caregiving work.
Thus even in the paid division there appears to be a minority of males doing this work.... I know I can't judge by just 3 days, but when my Dad was living in a rehab facility for a couple of weeks, majority of the employees doing the actual caregiving were female.
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Sons vs. Daughters: The Role of Gender in Caring for Aging Parents
Yep, it always falls on one person who ends up having to sacrifice so much...
I have two brothers and one sister. None were involved in my mother's care. They never asked about her, and I never provided information, as my focus was on making the needed decisions that would help me keep her safe in the family home. I did not have time for the extra "noise" I would have received if I got them involved in the decision-making process. They only found out about my role at her funeral. They had no say in that either. I simply called my oldest brother, told him to contact the other two, and be at the funeral home at the designated time if they wanted to see mom. To my surprise, they showed up. My oldest brother was shocked when I told him the number of years I had been helping mom out. He was also shocked that mom did not look like she was 93 years old (The funeral director did not have to do much with her appearance.) I told him what she looked like in the casket is what I saw when I woke her up in the morning and put her to bed at night. My siblings missed out on helping the lady that helped them throughout their lives complete the journey to the sunset of her life. I am so proud I was with her on that journey.
In addition to strengthening my communication and organizational skills, I learned the importance of empathy, compassion, and patience. More men are needed to assist those who are caregivers, or become the caregiver themselves. The bottom line is ALL caregivers who participate in this forum are important. We each have something to offer to those who seek assistance regarding their own caregiving journey.
They both have plenty of animosity toward me for some reason (they think I'm getting something out of this that they're not--so far what I've gotten is diagnosed with heart disease that I didn't have three years ago when I started this). My brother calls my mom every day for less than 3 minutes at dinner time. Why would they do more when they can pile it on me? They don't help emotionally, financially or physically. At the beginning when I took her in, they said they would. They don't ask if I need a break, don't give me one when I ask, and treat me like I don't exist. This is because I set boundaries like I won't give them the keys to my house and 24/7 access since at least one of them has taken stuff from me. However, they are more than welcome to visit her (in privacy) any time I am home, which is every evening and four days a week during the day. They are also welcome to take her to their homes. Never had a great relationship, but I used to try. I will never ever talk to them again when mom passes and I am not sorry about it. They are not the kind of caring or giving individuals that I'd like in my life. They are not my friends and they are not family. I am related by blood but not by heart. This has only brought it more to the forefront.
God bless all the women, who are the sole caretakers in their family - you will be rewarded someday.
I live in Florida while mom and brothers live in Illinois. I have been handling communication with social workers, doctors, a variety of home health professionals, etc. as well as being the conduit for information to keep the family informed. It has been a lot, but it’s taken pressure off of my brothers and mom.
In talking to my mother in law about this, she said to me “you are lucky your brothers are involved. This is your responsibility since you are the daughter.”
when my mom broke her ankle in August, I learned via a group text from her to family members that her plan for recovery was for me to fly in and stay with her for two weeks. She never discussed it with me.
while I was there, I overheard a conversation mom was having with a friend, and the friend said “well you can’t expect the same level of care from the boys.”
she is currently in the hospital again and said “can you come back?”
Luckily, my brothers do not share this view. They think this is outdated thinking and I should not feel that I need to take on all of mom’s problems because I am the girl.
That said, if I lived closer, there likely would be even more pressure for me to be the one taking on everything. I suspect my mom’s plan for aging is to eventually move in with me, even though it has never been discussed. I will be having an honest conversation with her about it if we can ever keep her out of the hospital for more than a week at a time.
She is only 71 and is mentally competent. I want to love and support her, but I do not feel that I should be responsible for her entire future simply because I am the only child that is female.
My step-father was the next to go down. Actually, he's at home but is continuing to have decreased mobility. I have to say my husband has shouldered the greater part of the burden of care. One, he is retired and is at home. Two, there are some things he can physically do that I can't. I take care of all the financial matters. Honestly, my husband takes care of hygiene. Again, partly because this involves transferring or lifting. At this point, I work full-time, my husband doesn't, so he does a LOT of the day-to-day care.
In the meantime, my husband's mother has developed early onset dementia. At this point, her husband shoulders most of the care. When that time comes when she may be at home but need supervision, the entire family (my husband, me, my son and two daughters) are prepared to step up until that point where she may need an assisted living or supervised living facility. When my mom was in the hospital, she didn't want to be alone, she we just rotated as our schedules allowed.
I guess it wasn't and isn't about gender. For us, it's about meeting needs. I can see where I might understand my MIL's clothing tastes better as she starts to need a different kind of clothing. However, because my husband will no doubt be in that longterm memory, she may react better to his assistance than mine. We'll see. Again, it's going to be about who can best meet needs.
And, as we found out with my mother, there came that point where a home healthcare person became that person.
I think parents do their children a disservice by not discussing their plan when as they age. I don't think my dad intended to have me do this alone - only to take the lead. The siblings not involved in day to day care need to know they need to step up when needed, not just in crisis.
Your clinical analysis brings some historical breadth to my understanding. It is sad how that unhealthy grooming is past down from one generation to another, but someone has to be the one who breaks the chain.
You were right in your first comment before you corrected yourself. Both my wife and I were groomed by our moms. I don't know the historical roots of it (and I really don't want to know) but my mom and her younger sister groomed their boys. I was an only child.
My aunt had three boys. Her boys have never gained the freedom that I have. I"m resisting giving you some very concrete evidence of just how enmeshed they are. That would contribute nothing but my venting about what I know.
The reason that I use the word groom is that someone on this sight said it was also used to describe how abusers groom their victims for their abuse. The grooming that I wrote about is abuse and sets the person up to be further abused. Although it is covert, my therapist tells me it is very prevalent and from what I've read just as damaging as covert abuse.
The books and articles that have been written about emotional incest, mom enmeshed men, when parents make their children their partner and more all attest to how big a problem this is.
In my own journey, I found that there is something about a parent's decline and having to deal with that which brings many unresolved issues to the surface. As my wife and I have worked through our similar journeys, we have found the intimacy of our marriage has grown.
Some things in our young lives are so overtly bad and painful that our young minds cannot wrap around it and thus bury it and that very often until in our 50's for reasons that I have yet to understand, but have seen that to be a very common repeated theme.
Wow, I have really gone away from the OP original focus.
I can and I do empathize with the people I come in contact with, those who struggle with those backwards dance steps you mentioned. It's terribly hard to comprehend their ideas when they speak about it as if it were normal. Its like witnessing the sins of the father (mother) revisited on the son (daughter). Yikes! To add insult to the injury they've already suffered, they in turn are raising their children in the same way. Who can blame them, it's all they've known since the day their lives began. Sad.
Thanks. We are talking about two different versions of grooming. I would hope the unhealthy version is a minority. Maybe we get an unique slice of the whole pie here, but from what I've seen since starting here in 2009, there sure are a lot of daughters who have been groomed in a dysfunctional manner with emotional blackmail that continues to haunt theme today and only a few men who are mom enmeshed men (boys emotionally) who place the honor or their mom before the honor or their wife. I've seen an even smaller number of dad enmeshed daughters or sons, but that does happen.
My wife has escaped the entanglement of that emotional dance which her sister is still trapped in despite all that her therapist has offered her support to do as well have as well. I escaped the emotional dance that I was in, but not all men do. That's why we have books about emotional incest and mom enmeshed men who are more married to mom emotionally than they are to their wives.
Yes, such dysfunction is hard to wrap one's mind around. For some who have never seen it, they may find it hard to believe it exists. Others are so deep into the dance that they've been led to believe it is normal and that is how all families are which is not true either.
I don't like even writing about this subject, but someone has too. I've thought about starting a thread on just that subject alone since it goes right along with the thread about the power of emotional blackmail.
As for me, my own life experiences and my work exposed me to much of this very early on. It's not healthy. It's hard to escape. It's difficult to maintain at times. Some never do escape for various reasons and because it is so hard, we should not judge them. It just looks like narcissistic and borderline mothers take advantage of their daughter's nurturing natures as well as the nurturingness of some men who are more naturally inclined that way and then groom them emotionally to respond to future blackmail. It's a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thus even in the paid division there appears to be a minority of males doing this work.... I know I can't judge by just 3 days, but when my Dad was living in a rehab facility for a couple of weeks, majority of the employees doing the actual caregiving were female.