Thank you for sharing your story Betsy, beautifully written. Reading your plight, and others' dilemmas, lets one know there are many who have a challenging, difficult and sad situation to deal with. I commend you all who are caregivers to a loved one, have children to care for, other responsibilities, yet take care of you as well. As a caregiver I hear all too often the words, "I could never." I don't get that, yet I am sure I use to voice those same words. I now know instincts will take over. We do what we must, relying on a routine with consistency and structure to it. Because of same old responsibilities we become diligent, quite good at all the tasks we do. We should all realize we are an amazing 😉 bunch, not many would do what we do each and every day and moment. Remember to take care of you, try to do what you must to do that. Everyone matters. God Bless

Thank you for a well thought-out blog.
Last year I "buried" myself in outdoor lawn maintenance - it bought me the time to adjust to the limits in my DH. I had to deal with his anxiety over no longer being able to do the work as he loved it so.

This year I am doing what he wants - even if it means sitting out front for hours daily. Time is precious - the lawn will always be there; we just need enough to not be overrun with weeds and rodents. So to keep him happy, I have reduced the size of the lawn and increased the time I can sit with him. Win-win.

Can I say, a word in season. Thank you. Yesterday was a nightmare for me re mistreatment in medical care for my mom. I'll be entering some meetings but I could feel myself slipping away as I dealt with all of it yesterday. A shower sounds wonderful right now.

Thank you, freqflyer, for your caring words. I am so grateful. Things were better today as my mother was more compliant. And someone else will help her tomorrow when I take my husband for his post-op checkup. I seem to vacillate between feeling strong and feeling weak. Yesterday, I felt weaker than weak. Each day I strive to be the best version of myself (thank you, Matthew Kelly) so I am hoping for an even better day tomorrow. I just hope my husband gets good news (skin cancer which required an abdominal graft). I LOVED your last sentence as it perfectly depicts how I feel. This is a great, great example for healing through mental imagery. I'm practicing it now! God bless and thank you again.

EmilyM, I just had to comment as you already know you have way too much on your plate. I know years after I had cancer I never got back my energy that I had prior. I know stress can trigger a return of the cancer, and then what? My parents outliving me?

Let your primary doctor and even your Oncologist know what is going on, that you are caring for two adults.... bet they will suggest that you either get full time help for your mother or it is time that she moves into the next phase of outside home care.

Step back and pretend you are an outsider looking in, and imagine what they would be saying/suggesting. If you were 20 years younger, yes, maybe you could deal with caring for two adults in two separate settings. There are times I want to stand on my roof and scream to the world that I am now too old and too tired to be a Caregiver.

I just read this after a sleepless night and many, many tears. I am on the edge of collapse and I want to but can't share with my daughter or friends because I don't want to burden them. I don't have much time for this website -- how I wish I did! -- so I could join conversations and help support others. When I read what others are struggling with, I feel my problems are nothing by comparison and I pray for everyone here. But I must lay this out. I am a b/ca survivor. I've done the major surgery and the chemo. I am proud and grateful to have triumphed. I am caregiver to my 92 year old mother who right now is the cause of my angst. I won't bore anyone who reads this with details. I will just say I don't know how to do this anymore. AND, my husband just had surgery and has the use of only one hand right now -- and it is NOT his dominant hand. Every day for the past several days I leave him to tend to my mother who is more needy at the moment. I fix his lunch and worry about him all day. I get to her and face challenges I can no longer handle with a smile on my face. Last night I came home and cried for the longest time. Tears are welling up now. No one needs to comment. I am grateful to Betsy for sharing, and to everyone else here. P.S. In the shower, I PRAY!

Thank you, Betsy, for sharing the most intimate details of your life with the world. (maybe some Martians are even reading your post and learning about Earthlings;) They will get a "crooked look" at us here on earth since you are a VERY small %tage of people willing to say....."My life isn't perfect." The idea that you are willing to write about your family and talk openly is what I always strive to do. I sure am a talker. I will talk to ANYONE. The bus driver pretty much knows the same about me as my mother. (she is 91) I am now her "right hand woman". But she was born a lefty and forced to be a righty so I am going to be her "Left hand woman" from now on.
Will Smith died of cancer about 12 years ago. Although I miss him more then I missed Halloween when I was sick 40 years ago.... I am learning to remember all the little things we shared. He died about 5 months after 9/11/2001. He was home on disability by then from an executive job at an insurance company. A very rare form of cancer. I would have to get up and find out how to spell it. I sort of hated the word since it was very long and seemed to have more vowels then consenants. I think a word that has more vowels is stange looking.....like EYE.
I ran a business called Ease Your Errands.....EYE for short.

Thank you again, Betsy. Isn't it wonderful when we get paid to do the things we absolutely love!!!!

starshine14 suggested swimming. I second that. The shower works for me too, but swimming does something different that feels great. You come out feeling like a new person; like a new beginning. Give it a try and tell us how it went.

You've had a boatload of illness to deal with. You deserve to carve out time for yourself. Since you were a swimmer, I suggest you find a place (school, local indoor pool) to swim again. It would help you relax, not think about anything but swimming and also meet others that swim. I hope you find your happy place. Blessings,

Betsy Hnath, thank you for the article, very nicely written. Before I had breast cancer I thought I could deal with any type of cancer that what thrown upon me.... but once I was diagnosed, it was a totally different story. Even three years later I am still a deer in headlights. When you can't see the cancer aftermath it is easier to ignore it, but with breast cancer the scars are there everyday when getting dressed in the morning. How I hate this. Once I am ready for work, I am ok.

How I wish I could enjoy just standing in the shower and having it relax me... it use to but since having cancer I am no longer comfortable in a shower... and I am not a bubble bath person. If I could just spray myself down with Lysol and go one with my day :P

Bookluvr, I use to brainstorm in the shower, too, had a lot of really good conversations with myself, and solved a lot of issues :)

It's strange about showering. I began using it as a way to lower my migraine headaches to manageable pain when I was a teenager. I discovered the cold and then hot water technique. Deep into caregiving and suicidal thoughts, I found that the very hot showers helped to calm me. I also noticed that in this relaxed atmosphere, I tend to brainstorm ideas and solutions. I still do this. It's here when I realized that I haven't heard from a poster here on AC. I make a note to send them a HUG after I'm done.

Recently, I've been using a lot of hot showers for destressing and to help with my back pain. Sigh... I hate showering. (I shiver when I'm wet until my whole body is shaking. Have to stay under the water the whole time while shampooing and soaping, etc..) But it sure feels good under it!

Cancer is such a scary thing. I'm so glad that your husband is a survivor.