My comment would be to do all the things you love and cherish together, ASAP. My husband has had Alzheimer's for 10 years now. In the beginning you are in shock dealing with acceptance of the diagnosis. The patient deals with the harshness of the diagnosis, and for me, even though he was 90% OK, I immediately started dealing with bereavement. I was slowly losing the love of my life. So I say treasure every moment you can. Make love as much as you can, enjoy trips, and picnics and grandchildren. Go to every event that you can, because soon enough, you won't be able to do any of those things. The love of your life won't remember "How" to make love, and soon enough he won't remember you or even your name! After ten years of mourning, I hope when he passes I will be all mourned out, mostly relieved, and thrilled that he is getting out of this horrible disease! He will be in Heaven and hopefully at age 70 something, I will start my life over again! I suspect, however, that I will still do a lot of mourning and won't know what to with my spare time after he passes. As much as I want it to happen this very minute, I still look at him with love and know I will be sorry when he is gone. At this time he is dependent on me for every single activity of life except for eating, and walking. He can still do those two things by himself! I try to remember the beginning of our life together and how lovely and loving it was!

i have a bucket list carol . you could help me bucket about 10 ton of dirt out of the hillside tomorrow then help me bring about 250 buckets of concrete . lol
both my sons used to work with me and the oldest would sometimes tell the youngest that we needed about 900 brick and 80 buckets of mortar up that scaffold . it never failed to crack me up .
my mother , in her last months simply wanted to tell the story of her life . i listened for hours at a time seldom interrupting . i would like to spend the remainder of my life sharing cooking , food preservation , homemaking , construction and automotive / fabrication , philosophy knowlege with my sons and g kids .

I think this is a good idea. Mom's problems make accomplishing many items on her list a problem. But we really don't have an actual list...something I plan to change.
One problem is that the day-to-day care gets in the way of the "let's make sure we have quality memories"... And the trying to make good things happen = more stress...I know I will be glad later but it makes things harder now.

Thank you, Lynn. I'm so sorry that others, as yourself, are going through such frustration and heartache. I apreciate your support. Blessings to you, too. Elaine

Hi Elaine,
I'm glad you shared how your family is treating you, as many of us on this wonderful caregiver's site can relate. You are not alone! I'm going through the same thing with my brother and his 'family'. My (only) nieces (one of which is my Godchild) has been 'brainwashed' not to have contact with me. I am in the middle between 'trying' to care for my mother... She doesn't want to get 'involved' and it has only put additional stress on her and me... As we speak, this stress has taken a big toll on me. (like you) I tried everything to make amends, but my sister-in-law wears the 'pants' in the family (she's 10 yrs younger than my brother, so my brother does whatever she wants... so she won't leave him)... The saddest and only thing I could do was to completely remove myself as far away from this toxic relationship, because it was effecting my health... and, my mother's. Keep writing here and know you have many of us that understand and care... Blessings... Lynn

I think this article is wise and lovely. However, reading it I became sad about the situation surrounding me. 2 1/2 years ago my then 94 year old mother put herself in a nursing home after my father passed away at 98. They had been together for nearly 72 years and she fell apart. As close as they were; I realized how unprepared they were for the inevitable. Since going into the nursing home; my mother has declined. This was her decision as she was fully able to remain in an apt at the senior housing where they had lived for 25 years. At the time; she refused to discuss it and my only sibling would not talk about it either. It is so sad to see the situation that exists today; partly due to lack of conversation, discussion, mutual planning.

My sister 'hates me with a passion' for no reason that I have ever been given although I have begged for one. Again, nothing to work with; no conversation,
no discussion, no cooperation.

Beyond this; what I really struggle with is the refusal of my sister to allow the 3 of us;
my mother, she, and I to do anything at all together. This includes my mother's birthday, Mother's Day, etc. If I enter the room; she leaves. If I see ahead of time that she is there; I don't go in only to avoid the scenario and the pain of it.

I'm hoping others will respond to the following. My mother is constantly bringing up
my sister's name and saying such things as, " Rona always goes to the cemetery.
Rona does ------ and she does ----" Also, my nephews don't speak to me and my mother protects them also. I repeatedly tell her how painful this is for me but she just acts like I'm hurting her and continues. I'm constantly feeling such sadness,
frustration, pain and sometimes anger. A few months ago I reached the point where
I didn't contact my mother for 2 months because I couldn't take it anymore. Now she started again doing the same thing. I try to tell myself to ignore it all but I can't. I have done all I ever could for all of them. I am considered the competent one and therefore am supposed to take it all. I can't. And so now it's again the same situation. Since this last happened 3 days ago; she has not called me and I haven't called her. I'm always left feeling guilty and badly about it all. This is a very old pattern. Please help.
Thank you for any words of wisdom and experience; any support.