CaughtBetwixt OMG This is my Story:(

I think taking a moment to decide when to move them in is wise. Of course plan for the day especially if you see it coming. You need to consider them as well as yourself and your own family. It is a big commitment. Moving them in before it is necessary could also wear you down early. Your intention is good and you don't want to ruin it with resentment. Do whatever you need to do to be there for them and when you see its time then move them in. Timing plays a big part to me. I have both my parents also.

You said you initially expected to have to take hands-on care of your parents, but now that that need has come to pass after several years, you seem surprised and overwhelmed.

I am a 24/7 caregiver for my 96-year-old mother in my home since COVID made her assisted living unsafe for her. My husband and I had to make a lot of changes to do this (I lost my job). I agree with the writer of the article on the loss of home as sanctuary for the married couple. My marriage has been somewhat displaced, which is only acceptable because my husband and I view this caregiving as stepping in for the very last end-of-life months or few years. IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, the one thing I would recommend for those considering in-home caregiving of a parent is do it for months, or possibly a few years, but NOT decades. To do that last little marathon, you will need the reserves that come from your good experiences as a couple and also assurance that there is a reasonable end to this commitment. At least this is true for me.

My mom moved in with us at the beginning of Alzheimer's symptoms becoming apparent. Like the author of this article mentioned, health can change over time, (for everyone.) When friends would ask if I could meet for coffee, I'd usually say that I couldn't go, because I "had" to take care of my mom, but when I adjusted my thinking to I "get" to take care of my mom, that made all the difference. Like the author, I found that there were "hidden benefits" of taking care of my mom. When she was relatively cognizant and aware of what was going on, we could have nice, normal conversations. Some funny things happened, like when she wanted to tell someone that she had pounded the pavement, looking for a job in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the street of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I even wrote a book about our experiences taking care of her: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Like the author mentioned, in life, we just have to learn to go with the flow.

My husband and I are caregivers for my Mom, who is 93 with dementia.  My Dad passed three years ago at 90 after losing his battle with lung cancer.  My parents had been living alone in their home of 60+ years about a mile away from us.  They reached a point where it was just no longer safe for them to do so.  We moved them in with us after my Dad finished his cancer treatments and it was the best thing we ever did.  They had their own space (out whole upstairs) with a chair lift and we moved all of their furniture and belongings in so that it would feel like home to them.  During those last months while I was taking Dad to daily radiation and weekly chemotherapy, we spent so much quality time together and I was so happy to be able to take care of him and do something for HIM for a change after all he had done for me in my life!  Mom started showing signs of mild dementia and after he passed, we had to clean out their house, make repairs, renovate it and put it on the market for sale.  A very hard step but we managed to get it done!  It was a big adjustment for Mom, although she loves living with us and she enjoys our dogs by her side,  Her dementia is worsening, and she has been totally incontinent for about two years now.  It takes my husband and I committed to her daily in order to take proper care of her and keep her comfortable.  We do have home hospice care who comes in two days a week for her bathing and health checks, which gives us a much needed break.  Still, there are cycles of issues that we go through, right now it is picking at food and total disinterest in anything healthy or nutritionally sound, but if it is junk food or ice cream or sweets, she cleans her plate.  We were told by hospice care yesterday that she is declining more rapidly now and that things will get worse.  It is very hard to see my Mom in this state, although she has days where she is totally lucid, wide awake and energetic, but that is usually followed by few days of total disconnect and turmoil. I promised my parents that I would never allow them to be put in a facility and I will keep my promise, as hard as it is some days.  I treasure the time I have with my Mom, as I did with my Dad.  I consider it an honor to give them the care that they gave to me as a child, and it makes my heart happy to be able to do it.  Yes, are there days when I lost patience and get annoyed, certainly!  I also work full time from home and we have five dogs to take care of.  So I have a full plate, and at times, it tries my patience.  But I try to make time for myself to just breathe or sit outside for an hour to recharge.  And I never, ever allow myself to become bitter or angry.  This is the circle of life.  I have no regrets about taking care of my Dad 24/7 and I was beside him holding his hand when he took his last breath.  I will do the same for my Mom. 
For those of you considering moving your parents in, or for parents considering moving in with one of your children, it can be done with some proper planning, including separate living spaces so that you can each maintain healthy privacy and independence as long as possible, and making those plans and arrangements before it becomes an emergency situation.  If I had it to do over again, I would have encouraged my parents to sell their home and build an in-law suite onto our home long before they began to have debilitating health issues.  We moved my Dad in at 10:30 at night after a fall, which was the last straw for us.  It would have bee so much easier on everyone if we had done it much sooner.  But, as they say, hindsight is 50-50.
I have no regrets, other than I wish we would have done it sooner.  Those moments spent with the two people who gave you life are precious, and once they are gone, those moments are no more.

My parents never planned for any of their aging needs - they assumed that the rapture would come before any of this would be needed. My dad has PD and he was a self-centered SOB before he got sick; my mom is the living martyr, so they are well matched.

They're still trying to sell their house (which is out of state), but it's taking longer than they thought. I was so stupid - I didn't put any of my things anywhere except in the room I chose, so I don't have any furniture or anything in main part of the house - EVERYTHING else I own is in the basement, and god forbid I should try to keep even one corner for myself. If it's not in my room, it's in the basement in boxes - AND, if I don't actively have something stored in my furniture, I get the questions "You're not using that - can I have it for my room/the living room/the kitchen/wherever?"

My mom has loaded the refrigerator up (just like it was at their house) so you can't find anything, AND she had to have a second refrigerator (and freezer) in the basement for overflow. I'm not allowed to cook in my own kitchen - I had some friends over that I've invited before, and they were finally able to come, and my mom hovered over me about what I was making, even though I was the one who gave her the recipe for what we had. We had a good time, but then my mom told me that I need to go out during the evenings for fun!!!

My "fun" used to be having quiet evenings at home - I could read, do projects, fix dinner or eat popcorn for dinner depending on how much cleaning I wanted to do afterwards, and if I wanted to have people over, or go out to a symphony and then pizza afterward with the orchestra, I could do that. Now, if I'm not home at 6:30, it's a problem - but I should go out and meet people. THEY'RE the ones who need to go out!! It's MY house and I don't even get to enjoy it!!!

They're home all day by themselves - they can do laundry, they can cook, they can go to the grocery store, they can do whatever they want - and they clutch at me when I get home, instead of planning/doing things for themselves. I get it that getting my dad ready to go out is a big project, but it's either that or he stays at home all by himself and then punishes everyone for it. He just wants to sit at home in front of the TV (THAT HE CAN'T SEE BECAUSE HE'S LOST MOST OF HIS VISION!!), and have people wait on him.

I even bought them a damn cat for company so they wouldn't just randomly bring home a dog that I would then have to take care of. So, now I'm taking care of the cat, the cat is sleeping in my room (because we can't leave it out in the house all evening - my dad's multiple trips to the bathroom could result in a fall), and I'm not getting any sleep and my room is starting to look/smell like a litter box.

I am so angry and so resentful that they just spent all of the money they made over the years on whatever they wanted without even thinking about the future, and they just left everything for someone else to do/take care of. My sister moved to another country, so she doesn't have to deal with this, and both of my brothers are married, so they have their wives to consider. And the worst part of this is that I asked for this - I moved them up here so they wouldn't be alone. I feel trapped in a trap I created for myself, and I don't know how to get out of it. I used to love spending time with my parents, and now I just want to stay at work. If I could afford to rent another apartment and still pay for the house so they could live there, I would move.

Having them near is a lot better than sticking them in a nursing home! Remember, they are loved ones!!

My parents moved in with me about 7 years ago. My father passed two years ago and my mother is still with me, but in late stages of Alzheimers. Fortunately when they started needing care (laundry, driving, cooking) a few times a week, they could afford it. We were still in charge of ordering meds, food and supplies, paying bills, and doctor visits, as well as supervising caregivers. After my father passed, my mother was on care 24-7 and now under hospice supervision in my home. We still pay bills and supervise caregivers but the hospice support and supplies help a great deal. It has been a long ride, I am glad I did it but it does take time, energy, and resources. The worst part was people (especially family) not understanding the situation and making judgments.

You mention climbing the stairs to your parents apartment ... I am surprised they are still climbing stairs. Wow! It is great that they had 10 years of independence in that great apartment you built for them. That had to make them very happy.

You mentioned climbing the stairs to your parent's apartment. Is there a reason why they are not at ground level?

It doesn't sound so onerous to me. Try living 20 miles away and being on call 24/7. In snow country. Hired help 20 miles away can only do so much. The day my mom went into a nursing home, I felt 100 lbs. lighter as if I could fly to the sun. I only have another 5-10 years myself and I am going to enjoy every hour of it.

Wonderfully articulate and balanced account. Thank you for taking the time to put down your thoughts so well!

My parents, who are 93 and 94, live with me and my husband. They are both very healthy physically. My mother has severe dementia and my father, who is somewhat forgetful, doesn't believe she has dementia. So, starting around 5 p.m. every few minutes she says, "Let's go to bed". He lectures and screams at her to be logical and reasonable. This situation doesn't include changing diapers, cleaning up feces, food, etc etc etc. My husband and I are both depressed. Also, they weren't loving parents, so there is no upside to our situation. I am 70 and my husband is 73. These people are using up our very precious time. We will not put our children in this catastrophic dilemma!!

You seem so very caring and thoughtful. I see how the arrangement you had at first was a good idea. But it seems the caregiving has now become a life of tasks and you needing your own space and respite comes through between the lines. Is considering a move for both of them to AL out of the question? I think the social aspect would help them thrive more than how they are living now. The meals are taken care of as well as medication needs, plus usually exercise and activities. It would be better to move them sooner than later. Peace be with you.

Thank you for sharing.

Your story hit home with me! My parents moved into my house in 2007 and lived with my husband and me until 2015. At first, it was an ideal arrangement as we had a full suite for them with a full kitchen downstairs, shared laundry room and like Anne Marie's situation, the same entrance. My parents were 82 when they moved in, and were very independent. Mom and dad were healthy, with no memory issues or serious health problems. They took trips, got around easily in our town, and made the suite their own. My mom and I were always close, so it was great to have my parents here (instead of 5 hours away). But over the years, things changed for the worse. I had forgotten just how stubborn my dad was, and in time, he and my husband (and I) began to butt heads over so many things. I always felt caught in the middle, trying to make everyone happy. It became so stressful at home and nearly destroyed my marriage. When my parents decided to move to an apartment 2 hours away, we were relieved and felt we were getting our lives back. I was sad for my mom, as she didn't want to move and the strain of this made her health decline. My parents are still on their own at 92, and I visit them regularly and call a couple of times a week. I always told my mom that she could consider our home her home should anything happen to dad, and she does appreciate that. My situation was both a blessing and a curse, a mixed bag of great memories and some heartbreaking and frustrating times. It is never an easy decision, but we don't regret the years we had with mom in our home. We had a great 8 years together. My relationship with my dad is cordial but not warm. My husband's relationship with my dad is destroyed. For those who can make it all work, my hat is off to you. I wish we could have done the same.

I know all too well what I have lost in becoming my mother's caregiver. And every day I realise just one MORE freedom I have lost. As for help for me? Nonexistant.

Caughtinthemiddle3.
A friend of ours sold her home, bought and remodeled another home and had her grandson and his wife and children move in. They all have their own spaces, but share living room, kitchen, yard, and entrances. The agreement was that she could live there until the end. There was an agreement that the drug users from the old home would not be allowed back in this home. Also, agreed that there would be no cats or dogs because of allergies, Well there are dogs, cats, the drug users are back, and not much is going the way it was planned. The owner of the home is too "nice"--too passive and won't enforce any of the terms that were agreed on prior to the big move.
This is what can happen. Will it happen with your situation? I don't know.

Be prepared for a time when thing's might not be so easy.

It's great if one can care for a parent who needs it. However, it should never be done because of guilt. It should be because of love, I mean LOVE, like Ann Marie did. It shouldn't be because they took care of you when you were young. That's their job. Like it was the grandparent's job to take care of your parents when they were young. If you feel obligated to take care of your parents then you should take another long hard look at it.
I would say that if you want advice, to get it from someone who has done it, not from someone who has not.
Lastly, it is honorable to give care to parents who need it.

I found this article most interesting. Is there anyone out there who can enlighten me to the reverse of this situation? By that, I mean anyone who lives with their children and they take care of the parents. My daughter is thinking of moving and providing me with an in-law suite. I am still not sure this would be a great move. In some ways I think it would be nice. But overall, it could turn out much different than we both expect! I don't want to jeopardize our good relationship. Please anyone who has this experience let me kow how it is working out. Thanks!

This note is for anyone caring for a loved one, whether adult, handicapped child or your spouse. I think this is a good article, I would suggest looking into an Adult Day Center, which would allow your parents to spend time with people their own age and have fun, and at the same time give the caregiver time off to do whatever they need to do, even if that is take a nap. I suggest that for all family caring for a loved one, whether it's your parent, child or spouse. The elderly waiver/handicapped waiver will cover the cost. Also the VA will help pay for the cost and the transportation to/from. If there are none of these in your area, see if there is an RSVP group there, they can come and spend time (in our area up to 4 hours a week) for free with your loved one so you can go get groceries, get a hair cut or whatever errands you need to run. You can also have a home care aide help with bathing and personal care for your loved one. Medicare and Medicaid will cover this, also the waivers will help. While the home care person is at your house for an hour, you can leave to do errands or whatever you need to do. There is help out there, look for the Department on Aging in your area, they have staff that can find ways to help you in your caregiving role, and also find ways to cover the cost of that help. The staff that I have worked with are super nice and so willing to talk with you and help you. I know that the cost of having assistance is most people's concern, and they know all the different grants, etc. available.

I found this article very interesting. My daughter is thinking of moving & having me come with her. I am not totally dependent at this age (74). But, know this will change. My concern is how will life affect me if I do move in ;with them. Presently, she has 2 girls in grade school and 1 in pre-school. I can't imagine me feeling comfortable living with them and not being a free-agent to come and go when I please. Whether or not it would be living and doing as I well please or just being with them without free access to being with them. Has anyone been able to live with their chldren and it worked out? Anyone who can give me input on this situation - I would appreciate their input. Thank you.

Well that is great your father tells you - that you are an angel. I never get told THAT! And apparently you have the means to have them in their own little apt. I do not have that luxury. My mom is back to living in my home for a total of 18 years of back and forth. She's probably with me permanently since she is now 90. She still drives but that is probably going to end shortly. I really do not like for her to drive much since I live in a busy city. I'm single so no help from anyone - brothers never call to ask how I'm doing or what they can do. Just go about their business living their lives and going on their luxury vacations. Yea you have it better than most.

well be glad they get around on there own ..it was good that you could provide them with the living arrangement ..we never really know what the next yrs bring
you should be glad they have no dementia or any of the others so good luck & take 1 day at a time not yrs ..my mom has dementia & i never know what the next day brings ..

You are so fortunate to have both parents with you! I had to run back and forth across town and take care of my family. Hang in there your doing great.

Thank you for sharing this.

I appreciate this article and your honesty.

freqflyer, I'm glad you realize that things can change in a "flash," but that's like saying "I know how you feel" and giving an example that's totally different. Sometimes a "flash" is all we get. I promise you, that's when you'd sell your soul for the opportunity to be exhausted and frustrated. There is no refuge at all in losing someone you love and there is no refuge in an empty home.