Oh my. I am sitting here reading this and nodding my head! I have somehow ended up being the primary caregiver to my 89 year old FIL. I never know what he will be like from one day to the next, one day he is docile and pleasant, the next he is raging and verbally abusive. I considered putting him out of my car one day because I thought he was about to become physically violent, but fortunately he got himself under control. He has hit me before and I have warned him that will NEVER happen again. I resent being put in this position by HIS on children who most days just seem to wish he would go ahead and die, but I cannot in any sort of good conscious simply leave the man to fend for himself...that would be cruel and inhumane. Now that he doesn't drive any more (numerous critical health issues) I've tried to change my attitude towards him and it has helped. We now have a "lunch date" once a week so we are spending time together doing something other than going to doctors appointments and dealing with home health care. And that one thing has made a big difference, we just get to hang out, eat good food, and chit chat about something other than his declining health.

The biggest myth our elders have is that children are "free" care. In reality, we aren't free, we are just footing the bill on our own backs. No one would expect anyone to go live with anyone ELSE'S mother and care for them for free.
I think maybe your Mom needs to go live with your brother for a week or two, after which you discuss hiring a full-time caregiver for HIS mother. Once he starts howling about the expense, you can start playing "let's make a deal" -- you get free rent, he doesn't have to pay for HIS mother's care. You may also have to stand up to dear old Mum. She's freeloading, however unintentional ---why isn't the rent for the house being paid out of HER income?
I also live in CA, so please do look around to see what rents are in your area -- in San Diego they have gone up about 25% in the past year or so, & 2 bedroom apartments in a sketchy part of town runs $1,500/mos, so it is possible that from your brother's point of view he is giving you guys a great rent deal, thus is contributing as much as you (he's not, but if he's only charging $1,000/mos, & he figures he could get $2,000 he may be figuring he's done his part.
At a certain point you can no longer afford to be the "free" help. Depending on her health your Mom could easily be around another 5-10 years.

Hi Bobbi. I have been through some of what you are describing with both of my parents and now with my husband, who is 19 years older than I. Since I am an only child with no children, I can relate to the frustration when hospital staff is uninformed. The nurses had been measuring my mom's urine for 2 days when I noticed the dark color of the urine in the bag. I inquired and they said the doctor had not ordered a urinalysis. They would never say when the doctor would be there, so I didn't get to talk to him about it. After pumping her full of fluids and getting her rehydrated, the color of her her urine cleared up and she felt 100% better. She had been sick long before being hospitalized, so who knows how long she had had the UTI?! My step-children live in a different part of the country, so it's just my husband, the dog and I living here. I can see some of the signs of things to come, although he is in fairly good health for 88. I liked reading the parts of your book posted her so much that I ordered the Kindled edition. You are addressing some very important issues. I will be following the blog and hopefully find some answers, too. Thank you for doing this. As someone else on the blog, I cringe to think of how baby boomers, with no close family, are going to be treated by "the system." If your spouse pre-deceases you and you have no close family, it is good to know the executor of your estate and your healthcare surrogate is someone that you literally trust with your life.

Bobbi, I cared for my mom with Alzheimer's at home for several years until she lost her mobility and I finally moved her into assisted living. I was really burnt out by that time, but I loved my mom dearly and she was always cheerful and compliant for the most part. Reading your blog, I don't know how you're managing to put up with your situation! You must be really strong and resilient, especially considering you're caring for your FIL, not your own family member. I know in writing a comment I should say something supportive but if I was in your shoes I'd be running in the other direction!

This scenario has been a constant for me and countless others. The "I just came on duty & not familiar with your mother" routine. I believe this is either an evasive maneuver or the facilities intentionally rotate staff to add to the confusion. All seems to be ablaze with incompetence at times and there is no remedy other than to remove one's elder from the detrimental environment. The source of so much stress, over and above any stress generated by the parent. Is this how they intend to thin the baby boomer herd? By stressing to death those of us with the compassion to take on this responsibility? I'll resist!

to FreqFlyer re giving my father-in-law meds in apple sauce.: Because he had swallowing problems due to dysphagia he could not drink juices. All liquids had to be thickened to the consitency of honey. He liked apple sauce and it worked well getting his meds into him. Thank you for the suggestion though. I'm sure it will work for some caregivers.

To boomer 7. I am so sorry you are have such a hard time with your brother and his wife. So often family members rely on one person to do all the caregiving. if they are going to DEMAND rent from you then they should also contribute to mom's care. Make a list of all your expenses related to caring for Mom, with receipts and present it to them. They can either pay half or deduct it from your rent. Then speak to Mom when she is most aware and point out how you must have help in caring for her. Assure her you will protect her interests but make it clear you can't go on unless she fills out the forms for state assistance. Sometimes it helps to have an "expert" speak to our loved ones. Parents sometimes see us still as children and don't listen to us even when we are doing all we can to protect them. Contact local aging resouces and ask if someone can come to your home to speak to Mom about how getting state assistance is safe and will makes things better for both of you.
Keep reaching out for help on this site. We are here for you.

Boomer7 – I think you will find a greater audience to answer your question if you ask it separately. If you look on the right side, in the box titled: GET ANSWERS.

With regards to your situation, MOST people who do NOT caregive like we do- at the home 24/7 – do NOT understand what we’re going through. Unfortunately, you’re using your brother’s home. Therefore, He makes the rules. He will never really SEE the true situation because he’s not there seeing it. I don’t have a practical answer for you. The only thing I can think of is to apply for the government housing and food stamp system. Once you are qualified, find a single floor home with a big livingroom. Your mom would most likely end up in the livingroom. If your brother tries to force you to pay him back, let him sue you. Please keep all documents of your paying for the rent, groceries, mom’s expenses, etc… If possible, perhaps once a month, have someone take a digital photo of you and mom that shows the date. This will be proof that you have been caregiving your mom 24/7. Worst case scenario, he will take you to small claims court.

i agree with your approach with the staff . a little diplomacy will get you much farther than bullying already overworked and stressed staff . my cuz tries to tell NH staff how to care for edna . edna confides her health and comfort issues to me and i relay them kindly when i see the shift nurse with a moment of breathing time . i still consider myself part of a care team . pia is still being a brutish pia ..

Bobbi Carducci, I've been following your articles.... what a difficult situation. I hope your father-in-law improves. Just curious, I know there has been an issue with FIL taking his meds in apple sauce, does said medicine come in another other form such as liquid that could be mixed in orange juice or whatever type of beverage he enjoys?

I am curious about how other "caregivers" feel about my situation. I am the eldest twin daughter of a 93 year old mother. She is a British WWII veteran and suffers from PTSD, is fragile, housebound, deaf and incontinent. We live in one of my brothers houses (he has 3) and he charges me rent to live here full-time and take care of our mother. I have a low paying job because I wanted to be home in the afternoon for our mom, so I could be depended on to help her.
I cannot earn more money without being away from home more often, but I am struggling to pay all my bills AND pay the rent my brother and his wife demand I pay. They earn over $150,000 annually and use my CASH to "go splurge" on more "toys".
I am angry about the injustice of the situation, and have PAID them over 10 years of RENT, which has PUT ME into debt!
What should I do? I cannot MOVE mom she is TOO fragile. I don't qualify for my own house UNTIL I balance my debt.
Should I rebel and stand up to my selfish brother and his wife? Should I just pick up and move out and leave mom panic stricken?
I CANNOT GET paid by the state to take care of mom because she does not want to give the STATE all the information required to qualify (income, savings, personal information).
Suggestions?
HDCaregiver in California