WOW! This is not unusual at all. I really liked what I read
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Regardless of who the person is or how old or what is wrong with them, and no matter where they are living, one should try and try again to help them. But as we all know, they can get "impossible" and be downright nasty to those helping them. There comes a time when YOU must realize you have done all you can - to no avail. If the negative actions affect you mentally, physically, emotionally - then YOU must have the guts to say enough is enough - AND WALK AWAY. If you don't, YOU will eventually be destroyed. Let it go. You will eventually learn you did the right thing and only thing you could do by walking away - if you want to save yourself. If YOU don't want survival, keep sticking with them. But you will learn you made a grave mistake.
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Thinking as I'm the daughter in law doing this now. I supervise his care, and donot nor will i ever be his only caregiver. Teepa Snow bS it right when the dementia gets that big you muust step back.Acter all we have to survive when it's all said ans done. My mother inlaw cut her life short by not tling what was going on baring the burden alone. I feel for her everday. This articles shows the reality of taking on a burden that's too big and maybe shoulsr not be taken. My husband knows when it gets more than .,we have a good place in mind near us .We are establishing relationships now by attending a sponsored support group.
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Great article! You chose the right words to describe the caregiving life, although those were very difficult stories but I enjoyed reading them.
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Thanks for writing. It is very appreciated.
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My sister had MS, and as anyone who has experienced this disease knows, it is devastating. My sister went into assisted living and as soon as she could not get from her wheelchair to her bed w/o assistance she was out. She was moved to a nursing home where she lived in Dallas, Oregon. They were great -- beyond great. I expected neglect (to some degree) and found that she was treated as a family member. She always smiled, always knew her caretakers (esp the guys), and towards the end when she would just sleep, she never, never had an ulcer or bedsore. She was so well taken care of she probably lived a lot longer than she or anyone else expected and she had a DNR. What I'm saying is it really depends on the place you can find for your elderly, loved one. I didn't want to move my sister from Oregon to Illinois because I knew she would never, ever receive the same kind of treatment. And, she was on medicaid. So check out every opportunity. Sometimes, like in my sister's case, you can really luck out.
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And this is NURSING at its finest I suppose..?? Errrr I think I will have to do whatever it takes to see We stay healthy and PRAY to GOD I never have to deal with SUPERFICIAL NURSES who pretend to be WHAT THEY ARE NOT!!!! .....My husband has dementia...and to think..if anything happens...people like this are the ones who care for the ill....as they ROB you of your life savings, and your home, they never can do anything right away....there are not enough nurses to HELP...WHY NOT? SO they can SPIN DOWN your home and property and ROB you faster!!!!
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Wonderful view -- painful, truthful and well presented. Thank you for sharing. I think every caretaker, professional writer or not, should keep a log/blog, whatever...I started one about 1.5 years ago because I'm taking care of my MIL who was not exactly a warm individual throughout her life (probably undiagnosed schizophrenia) but now has dementia (along with whatever was undiagnosed). And it never hurts to share that log to others who are starting out. This quick scenario you presented is ever so true about nursing home care today. You literally have to direct the staff because they are not given the proper background needed to treat the individual patients, which makes the family caretaker, in this case, you, almost part of the staff. Again, thank you for sharing.
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I think, from what I've seen of nursing homes, that I'm not surprised. If a family member or other close friend (who must have POA) doesn't oversee their care, if can be very spotty. Some nurses and CNA's are good about "knowing" their patients, some are not. It can be so frustrating, and there can be a very bad outcome for the patient if everyone is not aware of the history and doctor's orders. Been there, hate that.
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After my husband and I had my dad living with us for over 7 years, when he got sick and hospitalized and couldn't return home, we had no choice but to rely on rehabs and respiratory-care nursing homes. I went through much the same thing -- explaining and re-explaining to doctors, nurses and aides what my dad's condition and medical history were, what was "normal" and abnormal for him, etc. He ended up dying in a nursing home that had just told us he was recovering well and ready to eat again (after getting off a trach and feeding tube). I knew that he shouldn't be left alone for long periods in his room because he might need either suction or might cough and choke. He had just been there four days, after leaving the hospital, when they called one morning that he'd mysteriously "passed away." I will never know how he died. But my suspicions are strong that they weren't paying attention and he aspirated. My point? When we are forced to turn our elderly over to facilities for their care, we lose control of what's happening to them and how well cared for they are -- even if we do get a better night's sleep at home.
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Thank you sooooo very much... for sharing these difficult stories... I know this information, expressed so clearly in story form, will help me in the days ahead... (wishing I'd know so much more years ago during all the emergency and medical events at hospitals during the years of my father's decline... ), but now I'm my 94 yr old mother's primary caretaker. I'm sure many other's will also be wiser and hopefully a bit more prepared as they deal with caretaking, hospitals, nurses... and the myriad of variations caretaking the ill or old or dying patient....
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Wow...we had my mom and dad 91 &93 living with us for 5 years before we admitted them to an assisted living facility a year ago. See them 2 twice per week now. One of 3 siblings that visit the folks from time to time on the phone. We have carried the responsibility and the P-A behavior to burn out. But aside from the guilt my dad has been a historical master of, we take it in stride and know they are just old folks and a depressing process. Taking the higher road is a real challenge and take one day at a time. Placing them in assisted living was a blessing for us and the best choice for all.
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The second article brought back my feelings of frustration and life-threatening danger as my father's health and well-being declined under "professional?" care in a hospital and rehab center. Imagine what happens to patients who don't have family members who visit and TRY to intervene.
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Great articles. You've got me hooked. Even got my heart going. I think I got a headache from forgetting to breathe as I read this latest article. I got too involved in your story .. and then you left me hanging... with a headache. =)
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As I've read the two articles you've written I get flashbacks of the last years I spent caring for my common law husband. Gone 2 1/2 years now, I still am dealing with feelings of guilt and wondering if I couldn't have been more patient or done something different than what I did. I was in denial about being burnt out and refused to ask for help from anyone until the last few months. He was my best friend and center of focus and it was hard listening to the terrible things he would say to me. Please take that nurse's advise and take time for yourself so you can step away from the situation and look at it from a distance, even if only for a few days. Hospice is an excellent program and I haven't run into a crabby, short tempered person within their organization yet. Good luck and prayers to you in the days to come.
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