Thank you for sharing - I assisted my dad for 7.5 years after Mom passed and now I'm caring for my 96 yr old DH. I used to feel guilty when I'd yell at Pop - and always apologized after. I don't feel as guilty yelling at my DH, but yes I still always apologize after.

Allowing myself to yell when necessary, helps me to keep my sanity. We are all human - patients and caregivers alike - and we should be entitled to feel what we feel. I am blessed that neither of my charges was ever hostile or physical to me. Not all are so blessed.

Mom with dementia is now in a nursing home since November (.08 mile away from me) with palliative/ hospice care after three hospitalizations since August due to low blood pressure..... now has a DNH....the care she has been getting is wonderful.

Thank you to all the caregivers for your comments on this post. It has and is helping me tremendously. I'm need to caregiving. Started last year. Mother has Parkinson's and is 86 yrs. old. We've been living together since 1984 when my father died and I came back home to assist her. She was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 2 1/2 yrs. ago (Parkinsonism) and it seems to be taking a toll on her pretty quickly. Seeing this down hill is heartbreaking so I'm really happy I found this post. May God continue to bless all the caregivers.

Your father in law is apparently the clone of my mother. Reading your words made me, for a moment, smile. Someone else has the same life. My journey with Mom isn't as far along, but I see the same red flags of a wonderful woman who now treats me like the enemy, verbally. It's a challenge, and yet, it's not ALL THE TIME - yet. The vicious tongued woman who is my Mother NOW, is in the same body (we are BOTH growing older), but it's not the same person who would give you the shirt off her back.
Denial of mental decline is hard work, and she takes it out on me if it's too difficult to deny the slow decline...I am constantly looking for things that she DID/SAID/SUGGESTED TODAY that helped me. Her need to feel needed is valid and not impossible to fulfill. Even a small comment about good food she wouldn't eat can turn things around, such as, "you were so right about the apple cobbler not having enough brown sugar! We won't get that again! I'm so glad you noticed, so we can both avoid getting that kind of cobbler again" can turn an entire day around for both of us. Many more challenges are ahead. Your article reminds me that it's not personal, even tho it is - this is MOM! With a newfound ability to abuse me with her words. ANYTHING to 'keep me from noticing' she needs me, too. Mental decline is difficult. But, with more caregivers and caregiver support systems, I'm hoping to survive this "ultimate challenge" for as long as I'm needed. No matter what words she uses. In caregiver classes, I learned how to cope better. First, your loved one is NOT trying to be difficult. They simply cannot process such devious plans. Second: no matter the status of disease, body language works to help you interact. Use it! Finally, try not to allow personal emotions on YOUR mind (perhaps entirely unrelated, or not) affect your loved one. Bring only good energy/attitude with you when you interact with a loved one with mental decline - even on days when decline is not evident. These tools and SELF CARE are my saviors for sanity - every day. Every time I forget these tips, I end up with negative, hurt feelings, which helps - NOT AT ALL. Best wishes to all of the caregivers of any capacity! I practiced caregiving OTHERS for years in advance, which helps, but with Mom, I need to remind myself of these tools - to survive. Maybe this will help someone else? I hope so! Good luck to all of us in 2017! 🙋🏻

I like the openness of what is said..I have no one to help me with my Husband..I am his only help. He is a lot to care for.He poured a bowl of angel hair and sweet peas all over our carpet and on his chair, then he sat in it.. What a mess to clean up. He constantly wets himself.I have him wearing depends now they are a blessing.

It is very hard to give your all 24/7 and never receive a kind word in return.
Hard on a daily basis and I like the fight or flight description .... Cannot do either.

My coping skill is an hour of Bootcamp daily from 5-6 am... Great help to get me through the day...

The unpredictability of the behavior makes its difficult.

Thank you....

I think she is an angel and am saving a small prayer for her ---- oh my ! moanddo

Oh my goodness!! Thank you so much for the 'word for word' reality of caring for a parent etc who is abusive, aggressive and manipulative! Bobbies artical was so truly written I wept, for myself really. For me... I just don't love my dad anymore, I've only just realised that he is not a nice person and being old and terminal has only made him worse. Thank you again.

It's the hardest thing in the world to deal with. We all loose ourselves and our lives and it is so depressing. And we wonder why? Why is this happening? This should not be the way our lives are supposed to be. When will it end? Followed by tons of guilt.

Your not imperfect your human.I just recently became my mom's caregiver,and I don't know whether I'm coming or going most days.The lack of sleep.your time not being your own,the mishaps,slip ups,and meltdowns.Don't even get me started on the back pain and bruises.Hang in there as I will try to do myself.

I should not have been so terse in my comment but I find as I am looking at day-to-day caregiving in the rear view mirror, I no longer need to recount. This forum, this community, has been so helpful to me, and it is a rich patchwork history of actual caregivers if anybody really wants to understand what it means be provide day-to-day care of an elderly, infirm person which might have some level of dementia. Aging generally doesn't improve people. I have found a few happy oldsters but a lot more of the angry type. It must be very difficult losing power and control over your life, but the day-to-day punishment that caregivers take is sad and barely understood by those who do not do it.

Yup, just about describes my life for years.

Thank you all for your writings. We all think we are the only ones in these situations but after reading these postings, I know there are many people out there like me that are going through the same things. God puts us where we are for a reason, even though we may not know that reason now or ever. I pray for you all. God bless you all.

I am 56 years old and have been taking care of moms needs since 2003. In 2002 I became disabled due to rheumatoid arthritis and systemic lupus. Finally mom had to move in with me T least4 years ago. I M one of six children. Four living in the same city. Thanks to two of my siblings I am able to hire help but can o my get away to do grocery shopping, get meds. Things of that nature. I have I personal life at All. Never been married and I children so I was thogic choice. My siblings keep sYing get out go on a vacation but something as simple as getting meds requires I answer texts after texts about what to do. These ladies are greAt but it still is all my responsibility with all her medical problems. I M finding my health declining duet I stress and having anyone over simply raises moms Bp out of control. Or drops it and we have to decline her. Everything is a judgement call and no one is willing to make it speaking of caretAkers. I don't blame them. I'm just suffering from burnout and feel like I'm doing ten to life for a time I didn't commit. Mom didn't raise me. Her mother and father did. She abandoned her first four which wAs the best thing she could do. I promised my grandfAther on his death bed I would never abandon my mother. The very least I could do for the man who was everything to me. Sometimes I feel like I cNt do this another day but ask him for helps d another day goes by. I could never put her in a facility.

awww...that ws so sweet. I bet a 'bunch' of us were able to see ourselves a bit. Lets face it...it really hit home!

I could so relate to this article, in my case my mother. There are times when I feel anger and gate against this person and it is all that I can do to remind myself that she has an illness (Alzheimer's ) and that her negative attitude is not always her natural one. But it did come to a point where I have true caregiver burnout as did my family. We had to make a choice of caring for my sons and husband first and found my mother a lovely place to live. Thanks for the article.

WOW! I felt like that was me writing this, the same discussion all throughout the day about the medicine and my Mom saying she took it and me saying she didn't and my Mom thinking she can take her medicine on her own, which she can't because she forgets to take it, and the shuffling all over, and the nastiness that comes out at times. It's hard for me to understand how they see themselves so differently than they are. She thinks she's fine.

What hit home with me was your internal dialogue. The 'shut up, shut up, shut up' and for me, to just hear his voice drives my blood pressure up. I know when it reaches this point that it's time for me to 'escape' from caregiving. I couldn't believe as I read your article how honest and straightforward and brave to admit this. It's as if we're suppose to somehow not let the words affect us, to shrug it off. But how many shrugging offs have to happen before it finally finds a weakness in your armor and strikes where it hurts? Thank you for bringing it out in the open. I can't wait to read your Chapter 1 Part II.

It was so touching and so from the heart. Caregivers do have feelings too

I know how she feels having to repeat the same things over and over again for their benefit and they will either forget or are just stubborn and will start doing things they shouldn't all over again. The one thing I can say about my mom is that she is not mean, that's a plus for a caregiver.

This is great ! And I loved what you said in your post, we don't have to get it right every time... I am a paid caregiver, and feel as many of you do, in the moment... yes, I get to go home, refresh and start all over again..... and as someone said, without the compassion, I could not do this.....

I don't know why so many have the mind set that paid caregivers are robots and we don't get upset or bite our tongue......I read on here one day about 'paid caregivers are trained for that sort of thing', I felt myself get so stiff.... I wanted to reply and ask that poster why SHE didn't go get the same training....

So, thank you !!!! We are HUMANS first, then caregivers....

LovingWife, lucky in regard to memory but not lucky due to plain stubbornness by both. Especially when it comes to their residence which isn't elder-proof because of all the stairs.... [sigh]

Boy it sure is nice to hear that, at their ages the memory issues are just signs of normal aging….good for them and lucky you…

Oh my gosh, I could never handle such a situation like that at home, I would be that 1 out of 3 Caregivers who dies while Caregiving.

And the tenth time you hear a question is well past the breaking point for me, too.... actually more like the 4th time. Yes, I realize it is the illness talking but the OCD in me make it hard to register. I would become confrontational in a split second, which wouldn't be good for me nor the parent.

At this point in time my parents are doing well for being in their 90's, memory issues tend to come and go. I believe meds has a small baring on part of it. The other day the doctor's removed one of several blood pressure pills that my Dad was taking and his mind seems much clearer, in fact Dad even mentioned that he is thinking better :)

Hi Livingsouth, I felt the same way 5 years ago, I thought right away, I can't do this, but somewhere going day by day and with the support group I joined we plugged along, there were days when the repetitious questions were almost unbearable. Now that he is in care it is amazing how fast those times were not so bad, and we still got in our snuggle time and that helped me too, I miss the good moments and would do it again also. It was time for him to go into a care home, he was wandering and becoming a danger to himself….It is a hard thing to do…..hang in there.

I can identify with this article because I have never had a huge amount of patience and it's something that you constantly need. It drives you crazy to hear constant complaining and being ordered around and then hear them tell someone else what a good caregiver you are - though I suppose not ever hearing that you are a good caregiver would be worse. The tenth time you hear a question is well past the breaking point. My mother also is a hypochondriac and thinks that she has every illness that she reads about. I had a boyfriend tell me one time that I needed to stop letting her push my buttons, and I agree but it's hard to do.

I hope you all will continue reading. During the seven years I was a caregiver for my fahter-in-law these feelings came and went. Some days were very hard but I see the time we had togeher as a gift and I loved him very much. Like many family members, we somtimes didn't like one another but our bond was close and loving. I wrote this book for you, the caregivers, to show you don't have to get it right every time when careing for a loved one, and sometimes being a little bit crazy is what is needed at the moment. I would do it all again.

Boy do I understand!

I empathize with the over-stressed lady. Being my 84-year old mother's caretaker has taken it's toll on my life as well. Prior to becoming my mom's caretaker, I survived two devastating strokes which ultimately relegated me to a walker to get around. As caretaker of our parents, we, at times, feel very lonely, forgotten, and taken for granted. There is very little gratitude expressed by our siblings, and when they are around, they really don't help much. The tend to pamper my mother which eases their own guilt for not being more involved with mother's well-being. Their visits, either weekly, or at best, twice a week, last maybe a couple of hours. In this short span of time, my siblings manage to undermine whatever I've done to make the care-taking more tenable. It's times like these when you realize that when it comes to helping out with any chores needed to get done at home, you are on your own. Lest of course they need something, then they takes upon themselves to drop in, without notice and attempt to ram-rod the whole ordeal.

We can probably find broad agreement that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver for a demanding patient. When I was a health professional I had a mantra that I elevated to Scripture:

"First, you need to have compassion. If you don't have compassion, then it does not matter what else you do have, you will never make a decent nurse!"