Thank you for sharing your story. I'm in the very early stages of this story myself with my own mother. It helps to read about your experience.

And my gosh, I get just as choked up as you hearing what your dad whispered in your mom's ear.

Oh my gosh..thank you so much for telling your story! My husband has had Alzheimer's since he was 58 which is 9 yrs ago. It is now getting the best of us.
I do not look forward to that day of transition so I hope I can hang on like your Dad did and someone will tell me I gave my husband a gift. I have no children and my husband's son wants to remain at a distance. Thank you and God bless you and your Dad.

My name is bemar. It is July 11th, 2020. My husband, 82 years old, I will be 75. My husband has dementia, is an insulin dependent diabetic, has 6 stents in his heart and now starting with delusions and it is difficult to even try to communicate with him. He often complains about the meals I make for him, I have had to "beg" him to eat because of his diabetes, he throws his meals in the trash anyway. He has fallen several times as well, I have had to call the paramedics and they took him to the ER in our area and then he was transferred to a Rehab. unit for 5 weeks and after discharged his legs were no stronger than when he was admitted. He sleeps many hours everyday, 10 - 12 hours.

I had two young ladies come to our Senior apartment this past Friday and talk to me about Memory care, however, this facility one had to bring all the furniture with, his bed, nightstand, TV, have his own cost for phone hookup, etc. The cost was over $5,000 per month. We do have Long Term Care Insurance, but the first 90 days are out of our pocket as to what the memory care facilities charge per day, we would need to pay upfront minimum of $15,000 to $18,000 out of our pockets, then LTC would being paying. I do not know where to look or call as there are few memory care facilities in the city we live in Wisconsin. It is very hard for me and sad as well to watch my husband go downhill, he was a teacher for 48 years, was in the USAR for 26 years and retired as a Major, he was head wrestling coach at the high school and middle school where he taught. When he "had" to retire as his diabetes was becoming more serious, his entire demeanor started to go downhill as he no longer could go to school. Teacher, coaching, etc. was his entire life and he was completely lost without going to school everyday. I know he needs help and his POA was activated by two doctors, the difficulty is finding a memory care facility that has an RN on duty for his insulin injections everyday, and good, competent care for him. I am so sad, mornings I wake up and cry because I do not know who to call, what memory care facilities are rated high and each day becomes more stressful for him and for me as he is becoming less competent with most everything. He is not "nursing home" yet as the two doctors had told me, the recommendation was a memory care facility. We have no family where we live and not any "close friends" either since we moved into our Senior apartment in Feb. 2020. It is independent living and I thought I could make the independent living work for my husband, it was ok for awhile, not anymore. Thank you for anyone who would have any advice, suggestions for me or for my husband to find and have a memory care facility accept my husband as a resident. We live in Fond du Lac County in Wisconsin. Thank you for reading my comments and for any suggestions and/or advice.

ughh. i feel your heartache . i am struggling with the decision we made too. i surrendered it to GOD and have been leaning on HIM ever since. nothing i can do now , she is pleasantly confused & happy , but with the disease's progression, she has become at times, abrasive, abrupt, nasty. no characteristics at all like my mother her entire life ...

day by day is one day closer to my horrible, lonely future without my best
friend . i have been mourning for 2 years.

GOD bless , just know you have made the best decision at the time & no matter
what , she will live on in your heart till you take your last breath and join her once again.

Jenswims12

Reading all these positive stories gives me hope my mom 96 with dementia will settle into her memory care home. She is so unhappy, calls everyday at least once and complains and cry’s and most of the time can’t make sense of what she’s saying cause can’t communicate well. Still hoping she settles in someday.

My father put his mother in a nursing home and made us promise to shoot him before putting him in one. Thank God they have evolved.. I think you were lucky in your selection of Memory Care. It's seldom a perfect solution because staffing can't possibly match the one-on-one care a parent can get from you, assuming you can be home all day, can prevent falls, are strong enough to lift them, and don't mind all the additional cleaning. My father managed to take care of my mother in their home until her passing and I kept him living independently as long as I could. Personal safety eventually required that he go into Memory Care. The place was nice and new, but the activities which I hoped would provide mental stimulation for my father, were slow to get off the ground. And staff turnover makes it difficult to address everyone's personal needs, although they did make an attempt to do so. I think it's necessary to assume you will need to continue to remain actively involved in your loved one's life in order to fill in the gaps and ensure they are getting what they need.

My wife of 52 years and a friend for 60 was diagnosed with alzhiemers in 2013 and still living at home. I made her a promise she would be taken of here at home. I have help 7 days a week from 8am until 8:30pm. She sleeps from about 9:45p to 7:00 am. That gives me a chance to live a fairly normal life.
I am just a few weeks short of 81 and she will be 77 in 3 days. One of our grandchildren who is now 15 has lived with us since he was 5. His mother, our daughter died suddenly 10 years ago.
I became the husband in this article. I completely identified with the emotions of separation from his wife. The right decision for sure, but the pain is heart breaking.
I have been praying that she will die first; living until the end of her life at home.
I am feeling a sense of reality that maybe she will have to be taken care of away from home.
I am in tears. I don't know if I can handle that.

I feel your pain..two weeks ago, amid this virus lockdown, we admitted my mom to a memory care facility..she had ended up in the hospital due to severe confusion. She was not safe to go home. she is now safe and in good hands. I can sleep again. No longer is she throwing meals away, losing weight , attempting to use stairs , getting lost and scared in the independent living facility. It takes great strength to know when to give your parent the gift of safety and all day help. As much as I miss seeing mom right now I know we made the right decision!

Holly bless you and your Dads heart. Thank you for sharing this experience.

Mom moves into a Memory Care facility next week. I've had mixed emotions but I know in my heart she will benefit so much with this move. We're gathering what is needed and I'm trying to make it an adventure. The facility furnishes bed, night stand and dresser so I've ordered her a beautiful chair to sit in and bench for under her window. I showed her chair options and she chose the one that's got beautiful butterflies on it. (Wayfair.com) It's a brand new facility and the people have been so nice. I know what you're thinking! The facility is 10 minutes from my house so I'll be visiting all the time. Prayers requested for my Mom for a smooth transition and for me when I leave her there for the first time!

How nice it has worked out well for you. Memory care did not turn out to be a good decision for my family. The facility we chose promised us things they could not deliver in regard to dad's physical care. He lost ground quickly. Got a UTI that they did not act on quickly enough and he died within 2 months of our moving him there. If we had it to do again, I would have kept him at home and hired private help as long as we could have afforded it. If we had been able to visit the facility every day it would have been different. Know going into it that the staff of any facility are never going to take care of your loved one just like you would, and you have to be there still to advocate for them.

You are really blessed that the transition was so easy. You did the right thing.

Well I'm now crying. Thank You for sharing.

It was hard for me at 82 to come to the reality that after 4 yrs of being a caregiver I could no longer handle my wife of 62 yrs. I made that decision with my sons agreeing. My wife's stay only lasted 23 days before the Lord took her home to a perfect mind and body.

I remember the day I had to trick my mother into entering the memory care facility. I was sick to my stomach and had prayed for weeks that I would not need to do this. But there was no other way, as she was becoming more and more confused. I was able to spend the night with her and l left around lunch time the next day. I felt a mixture of grief, depression, deceit and relief. I believe it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She was distracted when I left, so I didn't have to "say goodbye" right then. Unlike your mom, who is social with the other residents, mine lived alone for 30 years and doesn't know how to interact with other people. In her lucid moments, she just wants to die. She knows she can't think or reason anymore and is just existing. I wish she was a bit more confused, so as to not understand her mental decline and then could be happy, or at least at peace. :( This disease hurts everyone.

This is such a beautiful essay. Thank you for sharing it. How I wish I had the luxury of one parent who could see him or herself as the "caretaker" for the other and actually be accurate. Instead they are both suffering dementia, though to different degrees. Your family has been blessed indeed by this easy transition to memory care for your mom.

Amazing story from the heart!

Wonderful article! This transition is usually much harder on the family than it is on the person. Choosing a place that feels right, is close to home so you can visit and has activities is the best thing you can do for your loved one.

It was very good, as I sit here crying, knowing at some point I will have to make that same decision for my husband.

Incredibly great timing Holy, I am into the third day of grieving and finding my home so empty. I just placed my sweet wonderful husband into care, I can sure relate to your dad not being able to take her in, likely too your mom was physiologically ready for her new home. Not so with my husband, he wants out so badly it breaks my heart to leave him there. I call twice a day to see how he is doing and they all say what a lovely man he is but by mid afternoon starts for the doors and is not happy that he has to stay there, even was found climbing the gate. He is in a special unit for people that are roamers and there is extra security there, but the rooms are big and bright and there are only 23 residents there with a resident to staff ratio of 7 to 1, so I know he is getting lots of attention.
There is nothing easy about this at all, one person commented it is loosing your loved one twice, well for years now I have watched him slip away from me bit by bit, but to not have him here is the hardest thing, everywhere I look I see him and the things he loved. Even our poor little dog is pining for him. I can't wait for this adjustment period to end or at least be more bearable.
Thank you Holy for initiating this subject and also to all the comments made.

Holly, you are a gifted writer, as well as a loving daughter. I'm writing this through tears. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure many who have read or will read it will find comfort and inspiration.

Holly, bless you for your thoughtful words, and for taking the time to share your story. We need to know we are not alone in this journey with our beloved parents. I echo pinecone's comment. We have a rough road ahead, but love makes it possible to handle it.

This is a poignant, loving memoir. I am fast approaching this next stage of life with my own mother, and I am grateful for the sharing of it. I cried for us all.

wonderful article...I only hope and pray when our time comes to move Mom into a Memory Care Unit, it goes this smoothly. Please give a big hug to your Dad...I know an empty house can be a lonely one, so please let him know he has friends out here!

Wonderful, heart-felt and compelling. Thanks for sharing with us all.

This is an excellent article. Thank you.

reading this story was like watching a film, I could imagine all 3 of you. so sad but not without a beautiful ending, knowing that youre mum is happy will be a blessing for youre dad, he did all he could do. you certainly chose the exact time and place for her to go, I wish her lots of happy days ahead, also to you and youre dad , you made me read this story twice, heartbreaking with a beautiful ending. take care.

Bless you for being there for your parents! Your mom is now safe and will possibly have a more enriched daily life. Your dad's health will also likely improve as he adjusts. You did the right thing.

Thanks to everyone for your comments!! I wrote the story to help myself process it all- it warms my heart that its helping others. My Mom would be proud.

You did not mention the fear that was the gift and the curse, so I assume you are still chewing on it...but in my case I relate to this...it takes a lot of processing and nurturing to parse that matriarchal transmission. Did she want to convey fear to you? My mother did the same and her intent was make me brave and to keep me safe... like the moment you described in 'going off to camp." Long term caregiving - especially for daughers is a mirrored timelapse - to be sure. I choose as an adult to see the world as a "friendly place" and act accordingly. But being aware of the fear, deep inside, is the first step in moving out of grief...the "long goodbye" is not death but dying. You are doing the hardest and the best thing right now. To show up for this difficult phase of your life. I wish you deep sailing to the next part of your life; the joy does come round again.

This is only in-process - it has been 2.5 years since my mother passed (and I cared for her for 11 years) but perhaps some of these rules will help. girlquantam