In fact it is not the case for everyone, though I suspect it is exceptionally common or seems that way. My mother remained loving until the end even if she could not expeess it well. But then, she was an especially loving and caring person to hegin with.

I think we don't know enough about dementia to say with confidence what's going on in anyone's head.

If there had been deaths among your family or close friends before Charlie developed his dementia, how did he respond then? Was he noticeably different from now?

I ask these things because people tend to respond to deaths differently. I tend to react rather unemotionally to deaths, but nearly everyone who was close to was quite elderly and declined for a while before their deaths so they were completely expected. I once wondered if something was wrong with me until someone explained that people react differently and that it is helpful to have some people who can do what needs to be done while others are paralyzed with grief.

Having said all this, I'm sorry for your cluster of losses..

My mom has frontotemporal dementia - I notice she never talks about my deceased father. There are NO feelings for him. However, she will ask about my mother-in-law in the nursing home. --- Your sharing has really helped me understand WHY my husband does not visit his ALZ mom in the nursing home. May be it is too hard to see his mom expressing no emotion. She is not the person they knew. I will accept my husband's way he deals with it.

My mom has frontotemporal lobe dementia - so is not as severe as ALZ, but I notice her never talking about my deceased father. There is NO feelings. But she will ask about my mother-in-law in the nursing home (which is hopeful). --- Your sharing has really helped me understand WHY my husband does not visit his ALZ mom in the nursing home. Maybe it is too hard to see his mom expressing no emotion. She is not the person they knew. I will accept my husband's way he deals with it.

Some people have a very difficult time processing difficult emotions, especially the emotions of grief and loss. In my years as a mental health therapist and a widow, coming to understand the uniqueness of grieving is very important to the process. We each grieve very differently, and what the process is for one person is very different for another. The need for understanding each other, and giving much grace to the other person is such an important component in the process. May you continue to allow yourself to work through all the emotions you are feeling, and perhaps find other support for yourself outside family.

I never thought that ALZ would affect empathy and compassion, but certainly possible I guess. I am a caregiver to my elder brother, due to being siblings, my role has been a challenge. He chose to "not bond" from a young age, there is a 8 year age difference, so I was always "the baby sister." I always chose to try and reach out to him, wanting a "normal relationship." With the ALZ his nasty behavior has just kicked up a level, and, I hear a lot of "no" to everything. As 1 doctor said to me, "Less can be better." I have learned to say less to him, keeping my words short, to avoid any conflict. As he struggles to dress these days, he will say, "I can do it," when he can't, grabbing pants from my hands with a force to not reckon with. I know I cannot reason or win a battle to help, so I stand back, watching him struggle, sad that he won't let me assist him, but so like his old self. Even thru all of this turmoil I want to help him and I do, am, when I sense the timing is right, safe. It's sad, stressful to be on guard 24/7, yet instinct takes over, empathy and compassion = love and caring. Caregivers stay strong, focused and take care of you!

I had written a comment but I was not a member so all I wrote has gone .I don't feel like doing it again as it was painful writing it the first time .I will say this I'am 81 my husband is 84 I have been his care giver for sometime now ,Like the lady that wrote about the not caring on the part of her husband I know the feeling it hurts.

You are not alone. Several years ago, when my husband was diagnosed with alzheimers, I found out my baby sister age 45 had been found dead in her apartment from an overdose. It was hospital drugs. That along with alcohol killed her. They found her in apartment after 2 weeks when a concerned neighbor tried her door because he was concerned. Julie had pushed everyone away due to her depression of losing out mother back in 1999. I was devastated. I went to my husband crying, and all he did was make rotten jokes about her. Here too, he never met her, but the complete lack of compassion hurt me so bad. I spent the next two weeks going thru red tape, phone calls ect, to get her ashes shipped to me. When they arrived, I was shocked because it was mostly bone fragments. The poor little thing only weighed 90 pounds when she died. I showed my husband the cremation box, crying , all he did was make more hateful jokes and comments. The man I married would never, ever treat me in that hateful manner. I spent the next week in the garage crying and trying to make sense of everything. But you can't. To this day, it still hurts

I am so sorry; what a horrible time your family has had and how difficult to have the person closest to you not be sympathetic. My answer to your question about similar experiences is OH, YES!!! While we haven't experienced tragedy along the lines you have, my husband has the same kind of response yours did to any bad news. He seems like he's trying to very, very briefly express an appropriate emotional response, then it's back to business and he seems to have forgotten all about it. He's often laughing uproariously at something seconds later. On the plus side, he's the same way the times I've lost my patience and spoken to him less than nicely. He'll sit down and act as if I didn't just have a major meltdown. So in a way, his lack of emotion, while frustrating at times, can also be considered a blessing.

So sorry for all the tragic events in your family. It is so much to bear.
I have noticed that my mother, who has vascular dementia and Alzheimer's also seems to be aloof to tragic, as well as happy, joyful news. Her granddaughter is expecting, her other is granddaughter is getting married, and our family is growing. She is reminded of these happy events, but simply will say, "that's nice," or "I wish her the very best." It is very disturbing. When a crisis hits, my mother appears more annoyed, than upset, which is further evidence that either she cannot find the words to express herself, or has lost the ability to significantly understand these events. It is so hard.

I think they do loose it! Listen to Glen Campbell's song I'm not gonna miss you." He had Alzheimer's and the song always reminds me of my mom who died of Alzheimer's about 3 years ago.

My husband is under the care of hospice and near death. He still cares but is withdrawing from the world and less able to express his feelings. When I told him if the death of his best friend he said "I am very sad, but expressed no other emotion. He, too, turned over and went to sleep. I understand sleep is the way they process their transition and right now the focus is getting to the other side.

It is indeed a loss sadly. I think that just maybe they do know some members of the family, but cannot place them. My dad always knew me and my sister and he always lit up when he saw us, for which we were grateful to the end. He also remembered our names. Everything else was ignored or withdrawn from. Its a very tough illness and particularly hard for the family. I wish you strength and send you light in this trying time.

Yes, I've noticed it many times with my husband who has moderate to severe dementia. Loss of loved ones and friends,no reaction, my upcoming heart operation little or no interest. It's part of the brain loss I guess. A lost part of our humanity.

Sometimes you don't even have to have dementia for those to loose their brains and heart... Talking to my other has always been mentally challenging due to her 'personality!... (Control). I wouldn't wish this on anyone!
Love to all of you.

Testing comments

My thoughts and prayers are with you, tarajane as well as Marlis, and certainly with everyone else on this forum who may be dealing with many of these same issues. Hugs for comfort to you all.....

Did you mean this for me, tarajane or Marlis....I hope it was for me too. I thank you for the encouragement.....

Good to see your article,your feelings. Nice!

Marlis, my heart aches for you, and the many others (including myself) who live with this painful reality. I don't know what your husband was like prior to his dementia but if he was a very caring person, you are most likely right that the part of the brain that controls memory also controls emotion. My mother also shows very little emotion when hearing of very difficult issues facing family and friends but I chalk this up to a couple of different things. To a degree one is the advancing dementia but also at 93, she's experienced more loss than most, including the deaths of two husbands. But, if I'm going to really be honest, my mother was never a particularly caring or nurturing person and when she now feigns concern (in the past, when she had a full life she rarely made time for anyone's problems, etc.) it just tends to make me angry. But, of course, everyone's personal situation is different and for friends of mine whose parents are still alive at very advanced years and in varying stages of health who were very loving, nurturing parents throughout their lives, their pain is very different and they will grieve the loss of their parents when it occurs. Sending heartfelt hugs for comfort as you grieve these many losses and continue to be a caregiver to your husband....you have a lot of support in this forum.

Yes, my husband has lost his empathy for me. I can tell him I don't feel good and he used to suggest EVERYTHING to try and help me. Now it's like 5 minutes later he forgets about me. I have lost the man I married and have to make a big adjustment. But when something minute happens to him OMG, it's ambulance time !

Yes I do believe that the brain is gone so is the heart. My 91 year old Mother with dementia does not care about us at all. Dad died in Nov. 2, 2015 and I don't think that she is even morning. Married for 64 years and not even shed a tear but she was nasty before and even more so now. Our hearts are broken.

Please forgive the errors I"m a miserable typist.

My Motherand and her sister were in seperate nursing homes, when my Mother diied I told her sister, right than her sister lost her mine. An elderly person can handle just so much and than they snap. My goog friend was headed for dememtia and when her brother died it just pushed her over.

In retrospect, my mother was that way. She has dementia with psychosis. There were so many other behaviors at that time, it was a blessing that she did not grieve. My mother is in the end stages now, do not let this upset you.

You and your family are in my prayers. But I must remind you that the brain is the thought process for emotions. The heart is simply an organ, it does not think. The heart only feels because the brain has told it so. I feel your loss. I lost 6 family members in less than six months of each other, including my father. Some I felt more sadness for and other not so much (because I didn't know them as well). What I'm trying to say is your Uncle does not feel grief because his heart is not in the right place, but his brain is not letting him do so

My husband of 52 years does not know me, but thinks I am his new "lady friend" an loves having me in a relationship with him. He was never affectionate or very involved with his family but sure likes this new "lady" a lot. We live with our daughter and he's not sure who she is either. Every day is an adventure.....he did not react much to the recent passing of his sister's only son either. We try hard not to inform him of things we know will make no sense to him and I try to enjoy being the new girlfriend. (try being jealous of yourself, lol)

I am thankful my Mom (72 / diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year) is seemingly unable to feel emotion and sadness. My twin brother committed suicide a few months ago after suffering horrible chemical imbalances for years... I'm devastated and taking care of her by myself but she's not sad at all and says he's in a better place and then sometimes forgets he's gone. Being with her is a nice reprieve from my sadness, she is so sweet to me and thankful for what I do for her and for now is always happy.

I'm so sorry you are going through all the tragic events you have in such a short time. Two friends of mine had their houses destroyed by fire, it's rough. My sincere thoughts are with you. I'm sorry about your husband too, dementia is like the twilight zone.

First let me offer my heartfelt condolences to you and your family. Had these tragedies occurred over the course of a year or even a decade they would have been too much for many of us to deal with. Since you did not mention it, I'm hoping that means your daughter's entire family escaped without physical injuries and that there is at least that blessing to be found among all of these horrible events.

I have lived around senior citizens all my life and unfortunately have only known two that were not compromised by some form of senility or dementia.

When you wrote about your husband's reaction to all this terrible news I thought immediately of my dad, who had been totally self-involved throughout his life. When he got older he lost all ability to even pretend to empathize with my mother's physical decline that included two broken hips. Dad also broke a hip and was completely absorbed in his recovery. But as for my mother's hip replacements, hospitalization and rehab, he was just eager for her to get home so he could have his meals served when he was accustomed to eating them. I remember being chilled by his attitude. I asked him if he was not concerned about Mother's other physical conditions that had surfaced and was prolonging her recovery. He remained fixated on his own inconvenience.

Although my mother-in-law was also self-focused, she did worry about others and express concern for them.

Perhaps a lifetime of care-giving as a mother versus the role of breadwinner outside the home made the difference in these two.

Marialake's comment struck a chord with me, forcing me to acknowledge that distancing is what I've been doing with my husband, who has alcohol-related dementia. Being far too often on the receiving end of his impulse control loss and lashing out, I seek solace by distancing myself from him, physically and emotionally. He's always been a strong personality, and I've been one to cater to him; but I've observed that with his cognitive decline he has become even more egocentric than before and increasingly less sensitive to the feelings of others -- especially me. While he often expresses his worship and adoration, and while I know he's sincere, his actions far too often belie this and that's part of the ongoing turmoil. So my routine includes regular "outings" for exercise, errands, and entertainment; and even at home I can conveniently remove myself to another part of the condo when he's edgy. So thanks, Marialake, for helping me understand a little more about this ongoing process.