Thank you, njny1952. Her words hurt less now as I am just reminding myself that it is her age. I really do Not want to become a bitter unhappy old woman who Hates her age. I don't want to ever hurt my children in this way. I pray I leave this earth before that happens!
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That must have hurt, jeaniepo, but at least you had a loving mother for most of your life. I think she is acting strangely due to miscellaneous weird aging stuff. My mother has been inconsistent in her love for me. I have come to the conclusion she loves me the best she can --her meanness overrides the good feelings though. Hang in there. I wish I could say I had a mother who had loved me dearly. She has said she does but actions negate the niceties.
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Do you think that when a formerly loving parent loses filters and says hurtful things that leave you shocked and dismayed and hurt,do you think they have really felt these things all along, but their love has held them back from saying their real honest feelings about you or is it not you at all, just their age, depression? I am not talking about old parents with dementia. My 89 year old mom, no dementia, always a loving mom to me, told me awhile ago, "do you REALLY want to know what I think about you??!!"you have only brought trouble to me your whole life!!"
Hurt, hurt, hurt. I thought she dearly loved me.
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Wow! Did your post resonate with me. I recently had to leave a cocktail party after I hurt someone's feelings with a careless remark!
I've thought a lot about this. Is it possible that as we age (and especially when you're under the kind of stress you are as a caregiver) that we simply realize that life isn't long enough to put up with "niceties." Where does the line fall between being "honest" and "mean." Are we sages or nags?

It doesn't mean we shouldn't TRY to be thoughtful..,it just means that at this time in our lives, and under your circumstances, perhaps people should cut YOU some slack!
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I totally understand this. For me it's the pent up anger from dealing with my "loved ones" and not having anyone to vent my feelings to.
I have to remind myself that I am kind, I am not my anger, and that I need to find more, not less, outlets to retrain my brain into consciously finding ways to not be judgemental or try to "know it all". I think it's about habits of thought. What if you could replace the worry of offending with the thought that you are kind and that you enjoy making others feel listened to, or that you love and accept others. Something along those lines. While we still have our brains working, we can use our will to keep nurturing ourselves and to develop good habitual thoughts.

I only am realizing this in myself as well. Really! I can be a tough cookie to swallow! And hey, if you were not a kind and loving person you wouldn't even be concerned about what you say or how others might react to you!
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This author really hit a nerve. As the primary caretaker for my mother-in-law, I can't count the number of times her words cut to the core. Frankly, I'm not so sure it was a lack of filter- I think she just didn't care. She would precede her comments with "I'm old, I can say what I want." Yet, her comments hurt deeply. We can't put our seniors on a time out chair. We can't put a pacifier in their mouths. My thought is that before you say something hurtful, remember that person may be the individual who has to wipe your butt.
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Dear Marlys,
I don't think you have "dementia" nor do I or the many other women our age out there who have seen a lot of water pass under the bridge and know that it sometimes will carry someone down the river with it. I am discovering that sometimes those closest to us and generations younger often don't want to be warned or rescued by us. Nor do they want to hear what let's say a friend might think is sound, wonderful advice.

Learning how to navigate through the rough waters, especially if we are one that has a delayed analyzing switch that starts a recorder in our brain that makes us wonder if our comment was valid. I am a Christ-follower and want to be kind and act according to biblical principles, so I feel the need to be careful with my words. But I am learning that some things that I say are valid, but not everyone will receive it. It doesn't mean I am losing my mind, it just means there mind has a differing opinion. Something even Jesus confronted. May you keep writing and realize you are not losing your mind and yes, you need to be careful, as we all do, but opinions are just that, and we all have one. I'm sure you have a lot of confident bloggers who "speak their mind" and don't worry one bit about it. You ,Go, Girl!
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You are being too hard on yourself. Many of us speak before we think sometimes, and I am one of those people. Stop beating yourself up. Do the best you can to curtail some of the things that pop out of your mouth, but don't lose any more sleep over it.
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I agree with everyone. Add to the stress two people with hearing problems. Mom has Dementia. She either doesn't hear or she doesn't process so I have to repeat. A husband who is deaf in one ear and almost in the other. Get the two together...and they don't hear the other. When younger I just went with along with the crowd. It didn't really matter to me one way or the other. Yes, got stepped on a lot because I didn't know how to say no. I hate confrontations, can't think fast enough. But, I now know when I'm being intimidated and get mad. I also speak up for myself and can say no. I think it's part of growing up. Just a question. Do u have problems focusing? People with ADD tend not to have a filter.
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I don't have to worry about insulting my DOG. That is the only person I am talking to lately. No humans are offering help except for Hospice and that is off and on. I realized that verbalizing to my Partner is ok, but he usually is so confused with what I say, that I just end up saying oh its not important...Don't worry....I got this one. But, through my entire life, I have this safety value...When I am talking with someone and want to say something, if they interrupt or someone in the group interrupts, I do not finish my thought. I feel like it is God giving me that STOP GAP and that I should not say what I was going to say. It has worked greatly. That does not mean I have not hurt someone from time to time. There are also times, when what you said was true, but the person hearing it, did not wish to hear it. EXAMP: My husband had died. My daughter and son in law were over and asked me to watch this movie with them. I knew the movie actor and did not approve of them and said, Why on Earth would I want to watch that? I was suddenly listening to yelling at me and they walked out. That was THREE years ago. I can only say that they were upset also and were reaching out to ME and I did not catch the ball. Sometimes we just don't understand what is involved in a Statement. Sometimes it is not us, it is the person receiving your statement. Let it go and live your life. I had to.
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Juddha... As for responding to a belligerant parent... what worked for me and believe me, it took a lot of practice, is just agreeing with their criticism, comments, remarks, etc.

It is so difficult to ignore a parent's criticism or mean remarks. I learned very early on that agreeing with them stopped this ugly behavior. I don't know if it is the shock value or like a child, bad behavior still gets attention. But when I told my dad that he is right, I am an idiot, or I am wrong, it really stopped him cold. He would stare at me in anger, but had nothing more to say, because I believe he couldn't get a rise out of me.

They usually don't remember or do not even realize that they are being very very hurtful with their words. I believe it is a mental illness. We humans are very patient with folks being unable to walk or care for themselves because of failing health, but because we cannot see the illnesses of the brain, it is hard for us to comprehend that their brains are not functioning properly. If a parent was always loving throughout life, then we need to be patient with their shortcomings in their late stages of life.

I hope these suggestions help. It worked for me.
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You shouldn't beat yourself up! I believe it is part & parcel with being the primary caregiver, the main breadwinner, the one who does everything around the house, who has to be responsible for EVERYTHING! I cannot believe "the meaness" hasn't come out before now! I am in a similar boat except caring for my mom plus working full time. She is 81 in beginning to mid stage dementia. If I lost my filter around her I would be accused of elder abuse so I find myself saying things I would have never said before to others (friends, family and co-workers). I find myself walking away from a lot of conversations!! just so I don't alienate myself. A friend suggested I think of my thoughts as an intersection. "Just because the light turns green you don't stomp on the gas...take a few beats to make sure the path is clear before proceeding."
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Hi Marlis... in response to your dilemna, I found this link calling what you are talking about the "Neurology of Grumpiness." I cringe just thinking about how I tend to be very blunt with some of my comments, but I am impatient with flowering of words to get a point across.

Here is the link along with further links in the essay. psychologicalscience/onlyhuman/2007/10/neurology-of-grumpiness.cfm

If there is an exercise that we could do to continue strengthening our brain instead of allowing it to atrophy... then I'm all for trying it. Good Luck in your quest and thanks for sharing these important thoughts.
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Maybe seeing a couselor and not a doctor could the way to go. Your feelings want to be released and recognized before you can let go and have control over yourself. A counselor or social worker can listen to your rants and help you sort out that inner rage over family issues and current situations. I have done this route and it sure helps me deal with the Narcisisst parent, but I still have my own fight in holding back and becoming just like my mother when I see her be abusive or mean to others or pushing me too far with her hurtful or controlling comments.

Deal with your own ideas about what's bugging you in private and you can better control what you wish to really say. There are ways to be assertive, self affirming, kind, or concerned about things without useless backlash behaviors.
Make this problem into something positive and constructive for you.

I hate to see people blame their thoughts on disease, drugs, or other things.
If my mother has the labels I just used, it is still MY responsibility to myself to choose and train myself in how to respond to her. I fail a lot, let me be honest, but I have decided to not give up on my own self control and choices.

Overwhlemed implies you feel you have no choices. Yes you do.
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Upon review of my first post, I must add that I have ADHD and tend to blurt out immediately my feelings, so personally this is a big step for me - to contain myself and channel at a later date into my diary, and I hope that it helps someone else. This is my filter, and it works for me.
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As you are a writer, might I suggest that you keep a private diary where you can vent, as well as explore issues that are bothering you? (I have one on my laptop that is obscurely named, and since the PC is secured with passcodes, I don't have to worry about anyone reading my most private thoughts.) This has helped me really explore what is bugging me or driving me crazy, or reflect on it days later, without upsetting my loved ones, especially the one that I'm caring for. There I can be truly honest, and it helps me not only release the anger/upset/aggravation/stress that I feel at the time, but it also helps me explore the emotions (even at a later time) and learn more about what it may have been that triggered the situation and my responses. It really has been a life-saver for me, and helps me keep quiet when events occur, especially with other people involved, and it helps keep my cared-for one's emotions level and unexcited unneccessarily.
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I don't know, but for me, I do not get offended when elderly people who have been diagnosed with dementia / alzheimers blurt out rude or hurtful things...I think I may be momentarily shocked, but then I remember they are not responsible and I just let it go...but what I am referring to in my comments here are MY blurts to some folks which were about 30 years overdue. And the people to whom they were directed don't understand anything but the same offensive, rude diatribe they freely dish out. I don't regret one single thing I said to the aforementioned ex mother in law or any of the other nimrods who choose to breeze in with their cocky rude quips....I try very hard not to hurt folks whom I know mean no harm, but some people....I have to say...dear God it felt great!!!!!
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Not to mention, sometimes people need to hear the blunt version. I think social correctness has been so over used.
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First off thank you for your honesty. The very fact that you recognize it is hopeful. Please don't isolate yourself or close yourself to others, just pick up the phone, or write a kind note to those you offended and simply state you are sorry and admit your fear of losing your filter and hope they can forgive you...that will go along way.

I disagree with others and don't attribute all to stress when seniors have these outbursts. I witness my mother, FIL, and other elders speak freely or say hurtful things without second thought about others feelings...this can include comments regarding weight, race, gender identity, politics, someone's infirmity, etc...things I know they wouldn't have said aloud years ago. When called on it, both get defensive and rarely apologize...both have some cognitive impairment. Both my elder parents did this and now mom mom gets worse as she ages (91). It's embarrassing and I will often tell my kids separately to ignore her and she knows not what she says....but it's hurtful non the less.
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And you know.....even if you are a willing participant and do come by and relieve a caregiver ...even for a weekend...even for a WEEK...at least you know that at the end of that week you are going back home to your life.....I think that is what hits me hardest because it is so difficult to be here all the time and watch someone I love more than I love my own life being so frail, helpless, and knowing there is but one final outcome and it will most likely be sooner rather than later....more than anything else to me, it is emotionally draining knowing there is nothing I can do to help other than to keep my Mom has comfortable as possible and make her as happy as possible and pray that she is not in pain....it is a helpless feeling, and when you are already worn out physically, the emtional aspect is even more daunting..
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Wow! You've just described me, a full time caregiver for my 91 year old mother who has vascular dementia and a myriad of other physical diseases that require lots of medication, lots of thinking about food choices, and lots of decisions on my part (I have no help, no relatives nearby, nothing) while she just sits there watching tv and thinking nothing of being 'waited upon' which, of course, is not the case.

How can you not be stressed? Are you around people who are not caregivers and have a life? I know that I'm beginning to resent them for being able to get out without having to worry about what's gong on at home. Do your friends have to give their loved ones at least ten meds a day, watching as they try to swallow these pills, and hoping the pill goes down? Do they have to dress their loved one, take him/her to the bathroom, make sure toilet paper isn't hanging out their pants when they go out? Do they have to mop up half a quart of juice because the cap wasn't put on straight and someone shook it over the table?

No, I don't believe you're descending into this hellhole, but I do believe you are stressed. And it comes with the territory. Sure, getting out helps, but we still have to return to watch our loved ones in their slow demise. And it's not a pretty sight.

Lots of hugs to you. This is the part of life nobody ever told us about. And, quite frankly, it is not pretty, it is not rewarding, and it's stressful!
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My mother is guilty as charged of the loss of verbal filter. It is hurtful, angering, and frustrating to tears at times. I am put in the role of trying to protect others from her bombs and also to try to convince her that she has once again blown up the room when she says things like "well it was the truth" and "I didn't mean to hurt anyone." After a long courtroom like effort on my part she still doesn't get it. She doesn't mean it for harm therefor it's not. It is a sad and sick world she is in. The thing that I offer to readers that I am aware of in my mom's life that is a factor that triggers her is her OCD and life long impulsiveness. It is also evidence of the onset of dementia, not Alzheimer's.
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When this happens and you ask "why did I say that?" What's the answer? Often I have witnessed this in other close family and it is the ones who are hurting in an area of their own life- mirroring what they don't like about themselves or their own insecurity... I've witnessed them tell a story about a situation and "flavor" it- most recent saying"that woman may not always be right but she thinks she's never wrong". I saw deep in her at that point because "that statement" has been HER favorite about HERSELF for years. She is also "sure" that so and so is probably talking behind her back but truth is it's her own guilt of how she talks behind everyone's back and assumes, from her vantage of perspective that people are same as her. Just food for thought- maybe you have some unresolved issues and just maybe you are too brutally honest with poor timing and need to bite the inside of your lip until you gain control- I feel bad for people who, unlike you, think that an individual opinion must be said at the expense of others feelings. That is thinking to highly of oneself.
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I love you Marlis!! there is no meanness as you allude to, it is a frustration with the stupidity of the people around you. They don't even comprehend what you go though, but they want you sympathy and empathy in their own situation. The selfishness on their part is not for your burden, they must come to terms with that themselves. Love your blog, please continue with your wisdom, I am at a loss in all this with my dad. thank you so much for your insight.
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hope22, there are people who need it :)
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Before I say something I quickly think of what will happen after I say it..i.e., angry responses, others' opinion's of me, the silent treatment for a period of time.... So, MOST of the time I'm able to stop in my tracks by visualizing all this. But, it doesn't work all of the time sorry to say! However, it's getting better.
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I think my stress is coming out in the wrong places too!
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I am of the opinion that the older we get, the less patience we have for stupid. During my last year of employment, after 40 years, I found since I no longer had anything to prove or scared of losing my job, I said whatever was on my mind. I wasn't insulting. I just wasn't intimidated any more. Maybe if I was decades younger, it would matter.

I am presently the soul caregiver for my disabled brain injured brother and a mom with Alzheimer's. I am honest with my feelings and opinions even more. Again, I'm never rude. Often my filter disappears because someone says something I consider inappropriate. My thinking is, whatever anyone says to me is nothing compared to what I experience now. But, I don't have to put up with stupid.
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Oh gee, I am a caregiver also for my husband with dementia - I too have lost my filter, I fear. It's the stress: things can get so overwhelming that stuff just HAS to come out of our mouths. We live under so much repressed stress with so much deprivation of a relationship with our husbands.
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Hello, Marlis. For years we have been hearing about "grouchy old men". It seems to be accepted that older folks get grouchy. While we don't hear too much about "grouchy old women," I can speak from experience that they exist as well as the old men.

I don't recall ever hearing an explanation for that phenomenon, but the filtering part of the brain may actually deteriorate over time (just like my back and hip) causing us to not carefully think about the effects of our blatant opinions. This may or may not be an introduction to dementia, so I would trust my doctor's opinion -- at least for now. Maybe you should repeat the self-administered test each year on your birthday to assure yourself that you are a normal human being.

Because of Charlie, you may be overly critical of yourself, and that is something that I can understand. Don't give up your friends. They are more important than a slip of the tongue, and if they are truly friends, then they should be forgiving of your occasional "grouchy old woman" comments. Hang in there, Gramma.
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