I don't want to run away. I manage to get out as much as I like, being the home body I am. My DH stays with my 95 year old mom and encourages me to go. What I miss most is time at home, alone, no schedules, do as I please, etc. With that said, I am careful what I wish for because, after all that would mean my dear, sweet mama would no longer be with me and I'm not ready to face that anytime soon!! 😍

Oh, I so understand. My problem is the opposite though. My husband loves to be on tge go even though it waers him down so severly. I do understand that he doesn't want to just sit at home every day but his exhaustion effects me also. There is no easy way to handle this love xalked "caregiving" but I will take it over not haaving my darling husband here at all. Thanks for listening. 😏

Nice Move Marlis! I had to run away after the winter weather also. You were brave enough to post it. You gave me courage to post it. And like you, I am not sure when I escape again, if I will return. Always on my mind. So tired. U too?

Oh my! I am new to this website and you have just made my day. You have expressed my exact thoughts and made me feel not so alone. Thank you SO much!

Wamnaleaz, I know how tired you get of cleaning poop. My husband had his first poop accident last Easter. He never seemed aware there was a problem -- perfectly content to sit in it. Eventually couldn't use tub, wouldn't use shower. Horrible mess to try to clean -- like clay with glue. Once he was on hospice, the aid used shaving cream to make it more wipeable. Seemed to help. He died New Years Day at age 63.

Oh my gosh, I wanted to run away today, really had thought about it.... after running errands for my parents [in their 90's] this Sunday morning, and locking horns with my sig other after lunch I was ready to grab the car keys and go....

My only problem is I can't go any further than one mile :P Reason being panic attacks when driving. Thank goodness my office is within the mile range, so I can always hide out there.

Marlis, I've learned to never rely on what we're going to do tomorrow until tomorrow becomes today. My mother will plan all kinds of things for tomorrow, but when it comes time, she changes her mind. Usually she doesn't feel up to it or just doesn't want to get ready. She says that we can always do it tomorrow. So we leap from one tomorrow to the next.

My escape is the exercise room at the senior center. I also stop in the game room to chat to the people -- most who are my mother's age. They are so active and alive, so it's hard to think of them as the same age.

I am getting so tired of strip[ping him down and getting him into the shower to get wash off. Constantly having poop accidents and not telling me……as if I would not pick up on that right away! Then after getting him clean, doing a load of wash, ( He is wearing Depends)I have to scrub up wherever the mess happened. Usually in the bathroom, thank God! But it is exhausting and sometimes twice a day! I don't know what to do!!!!! His bowels are really loose and messy! Help me please!

Marlis, I share your pain and have "run away" a few times also, with keeping the pedal to the metal in mind. But, like you, I returned and am praying each day for patience. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I reach the end of the line. Each day is a new day and a chance for a fresh start. Wishing you new and better beginnings for 2015. Take care!

I know exactly what you r going through I could just scream with the same pressures every day and feeling the need for relaxaction companionship and yes sex guess I am getting burnt out

yesmomd, I too am the primary caregiver to my 85 year old MIL. I also have to do EVERYTHING for her. She has COPT and some dementia. She is difficult to take care of, she once tried to slap me because she doesn't want to be told what to do. I don't know what I would do if I didn't get a 5 day break every month. She is with Amber Care which is covered by Medicare. Amber Care is my life saver. They come out 3 times a week to give her a shower, the nurse comes out once a week, and her doctor comes over once every 3 months to check her. I recently found out that her Medicare covers her 5 day, once a month, hospital stay. I am turning 69 soon, my health isn't that good either, I am a 3x cancer survivor and am dealing with Fibermyalgia . We get that much needed break and have her admitted to the hospital once a month. Maybe you too can get help too. We caregivers all need some kind of break. God bless.

We are a compassionate group, aren't we. The caregivers. At least I try to be, and many times, I'm not. I'm really not cut out to be a caregiver. I'm bitter, I'm mean, I'm hateful, and most of all, I'm guiltridden because I have these feelings--which are, by the way, kept on the inside. I certainly don't want anyone to know how I'm REALLY feeling. They have absolutely NO idea how much I hate being in this position. Run away?? Oh yes, I think about this all the time. I'm way past caring what people would think if I did actually leave him. They aren't here helping me, that's for sure. I would leave in a nano-second--if it weren't for my grandchildren. Can you believe it? Always something throwing a wrench in the works. My children are my joy, but they have their young lives and are busy raising (okay, rearing) their children and all that goes with being young and energetic. I remember those days (saddness welling). My grandchildren--they are my absolute joy and I can't imagine not seeing their faces light up when they see me. I have to stay in this miserable day to day unrewarding caregiving situation whether I like it or not. My next step is to find a way to get away for a few days without him (see, guilt seeping in--he misses not being able to go away too--now sadness again. It isn't fair to him either.) yoy. Can't win. Sorry for the vent. You all are so strong. I'm hoping I can learn to tolerate as time moves on. It's only been 3 years, not a lifetime. Marlis, thank you for showing me that the 'run away' impulse isn't just on me. I'll take an afternoon or two and try the TRA (temporary run away). No one will be the wiser.

I understand how you are feeling Marlis I am the sole caregiver for my 76 year old dad my husband and I moved in to take car if my dad almost 7 years ago I recently lost my husband to cancer at the age of 52 last oct and 7 days later I almost lost my sister when she was finally released from the hospital she had to go to rehab she was released from there and not only was I caring for my dad I was also caring for my sister had to give her IV's 3 times a day had to help her bath and everything.
My dad is the same way refuses to leave the house or take a bath he I'd having more and more accidents potty wise. Eating has become very rare for him he's lost so much weight. We have had to cover every mirror in the house as he thinks there is a guy watching him it got so bad I left to go to the doctors came home and he had stuck a knife into the deck from that day forward he is now 24/7 care. I am getting so frustrated and angry with him and I know that it is not my dad and I shouldn't get mad but I bottle it up until I blow up. I finally got someone to come in every other week for 6 hours and boy does that make a big difference.
Keep in trucking and getting out while you can because it only gets worse :(.

Thank you for sharing. My case is dementia of a significant other of 25 years and this is my retirement. There are times and days when all of it is so hard - when its too hard to stay but you just cannot go. I now get 6 hours of respite a week through the VA, but because I am gone and someone else is in the house, he has become angry and acting out like never before. I try to tell myself it is not a crime and I am not being punished. I can also get 30 days a year of overnight care but am apprehensive after the past 4 weeks of outbursts and tantrums. Incontinence is almost normal and I can handle that OK - but the past 2 days he yells and screams at me when I am trying to clean and change him. Any suggestions?

Thanks Marlis, for your blog and sharing your thoughts. My personal time is to take a few walks with my pup each and every day. I call her my motivator. She needs the exercise and companionship and so do I. When I'm walking I try to look at the trees, flowers, skies and also work on her training. It does help me. We all need to "escape" and without it who knows who we would become. Hugs to you and Charlie.

jeffrey, I feel your pain. I don't know how people do this and hold down a job too. I am retired now so it works better but I never expected to be in this position. Sometimes I just feel like getting in the car and driving away. I never want to put my children through this when I get older. I will find a way to not burden them with my problems. Can you ask for help from someone, an aging agency in your area or something?

I think about this all the time. Between a high-stress job and my mother with Alzheimer's living with us, I often think of just running away for the day just to escape. I wish it was that simple. I don't think i have had a vacation in years and years. I totally sympathize.

Well, I took my almost blind mother, who is starting to have memory problems, to the doctor yesterday and day before was shower so that's always challenging. Today is my day to run away. My husband will hold down the fort--thank goodness for him! Today I get to play my dulcimer with my friends. It is the joy of my life and keeps me going. I practice at home near my mother and she enjoys it so much (at least she doesn't complain) and always falls asleep so that's good. We talk about the music and look up other subjects that come to mind as I'm playing. The iPad is wonderful for that! "Do Frogs Freeze and Die" was our latest subject to check on because the fish are dying from the very hard winter in Northwest Wisconsin this year. We wondered about the frogs. The music and conversation keeps her engaged instead of just staring out the window. Well, don't want to bore you all, so I'll stop now. Remember the music--it can be so soothing. I will have a great day playing with my friends.

I know what you mean.

I really appreciated this story. I am the sole caregiver for my 81 year old Mom with advanced dementia....I am looking forward to the day I can run away for good (if you know what I mean......)

Hi Marlis ...
Your experience makes me grateful that my depressed "couch potato" is only depressed and I'm not dealing with dementia on top of that. He goes out ... but only if its something that floats his boat. He does nothing around the house because "he doesn't feel like it". Yet I have to keep listening to him tell me how bored he is and to come sit with him. No thanks ... I'm not into that sitting around doing nothing waiting for old age to catch up to me ... If old age wants me ... I'm definitely giving it a run for its money! I believe in the use it or lose it system ... and trust me I'm using it all! As for my little couch potato ... thank God for his job ... otherwise he'd never get up! Even though things have gotten better with him since he started taking HTP 5 (an all natural mood booster) Medications were horrendous on him but these have literally saved his life ... and made it so much more tolerable ... His mother coming and staying here every other month really doesn't help either (which is why and how I found this board) ... but at least then he's got someone to sit and get old with him ... talk about the old movies and get excited when the get an answer on Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune ... :) Oh well ... what can I say ... I guess we all have our crosses to bear ... and what is it they say if you had the chance to change it you'd still pick your own ... Hmmmm ... I truly wonder!

As a caregiver, I get it! Funny how we are so consumed with the caregiving part, we often forget to care for...ourselves. Good for you for running away for a bit. If only those around us could see an opportunity to take over the caregiving for just a couple of hours every so often, we could recharge our batteries without guilt. Sending hugs for your journey!

Love your honesty and don't blame you one bit. Love to you.

Marlis, my heart goes out to you. I too run away, but my husband is with me and helps care for my 94 year old mother. So, when I run away, someone else is here and Mom does not have dementia so there really is no comparison to what you experience, except we are both runaway's. If I didn't run at times, I couldn't continue to do this caregiving. I hope you will be able to find some peace. I appreciate you sharing because it reminds me I don't have it so bad. And, yes, the four feet of snow is tough!

This is an exact replica of how my husband ruined Easter dinner out - and the whole day - for me. My great escape was to the Nature Trail 3 times to walk a total of 9.5 miles and vent with friends - the to visit the Club House to spy on the wonderful buffet we had missed! Right on, Marlis!

Sounds like my life! I share your pain as I care for my husband with dementia. Stay strong!

Thank you for venting. I am also caring for my husband with FTD. It is a challenging and lonely job. He is only 62 and probably 5 years into the disease. He also resists the hygiene of all sorts. His mental deterioration is happening rapidly. He can't be left alone. He is into everything and becoming unsteady on his feet. I want to escape also, but easier said than done. Do it while you can. You write beautifully.

Keep going Marlis... Add one more 'additional' thing to do for yourself as time goes on, if you can think of it... You deserve it!... Thank you for sharing... ! It encourages us all to step OUT... Happy Easter... Blessings!

I had a break this weekend. I slept late today and will be browsing through decorating books. I feel so happy! How do I do this more often?

I feel your pain Marlis. I am caring for my 49 year old brother with dementia. We are pretty much attached to the hip. I have found that I can get a caregiver that will come here for 4 hrs on Friday to stay with him. This way I can go to the office, or have an afternoon with my husband. It really helps. Call your state and see I'd you can get some respite relief.