Great article. Information for those caring for a spouse is greatly appreciated

Anyone need a date

This is an excellent article. I am only in the position of taking care of myself at this point, which is difficult enough. My mom moved to Florida (I and my other 5 siblings all live at least 1,000 miles from there). I told here before she left (for the warmer weather) that I would not be able to afford to go back and forth to visit her and help her. This is true as I myself was sick for many years, ran into financial difficulty and am in no position to gamble my economic future away. She is physically disabled and fortunately has an adequate support system there and my other siblings visit her from time to time. I am single and just getting by. They are in more of an economic position to visit, but not by too much. I believe she is lonely down there but the warm weather makes her feel more comfortable and she is in a very supportive senior community. Still, she feels her family has "left her", when in reality she left them. It is sad, but that is how it is.

Thanks for this terrific article.

Valid article. Used to be I had friendships that were on an equal footing. No time or mental energy for those relationships any more. Barely enough time to care for 3 needy people and the resultant financial responsibilities. Others tend to see me as a resource, not a friend. Like they say in Washington DC, if you want a friend, get a (companion-type) dog. Yes, more responsibility, but at least they live in the 'now' and love to cuddle.

One thing that has been of help to me is my church fellowship. Even tho I no longer attend, members visit us and I have a Stephen Minister who has been a tremendous support. If you are interested, you can seek out a Stephen Minister at any church, whether a member or not.

help is a key stroke away

This article is true. However, I haven't figured out how with all my responsibilities of my 76 yo Mom and 46 yo special needs Brother. He is functional. I do total care of my mom. I retired from 27 yrs with the company and am permanently disabled. I am facing serious lumbar surgery of which I have no alternative. I am beside myself as to how I am going to do that. I am getting worse by the day and the pain especially at the end of every day is excruciating. I do not sleep well ..Less than 4hrs and not all together. I have a sister and brother. I will just say they are not help and will not show up. Live less than a few feet of Mom's home (where I moved in to help) and got stuck. I just want to feel normal and alive again. Really lonely..Thanks for the article.

The article was very good. I did'nt realize that loneliness and depression were bad for the caregivers own health. I am 69 yrs old and have been blessed with good health for my entire life. As a caregiver for my downs syndrome brother with alzheimers I more and more feel isolated and alone. I am a caregiver by choice (there are group homes); I feel this was God's plan for me, however, I never realized my biggest problem would be with my isolation and loneliness. I agree with the others that at this stage in life it is difficult to establish new friends and is it even worth the extra effort to arrange time for me to do what?

Very good article; loneliness is something I experience a lot. My spouse has middle stage alzheimer's and over the past 3 years I have lost not only his companionship but loss of friends, social outings and involvement in community offerings. We've been married 56 years and his apathy and lack of speech has been the most difficult challenge I've had to deal with; he is just there. I won't complain because he is complacent, does everything I ask (if asked the right way) and is not hostile or aggressive. He requires more and more verbal prompting to get out of bed, get dressed, to eat, etc. He goes to day care twice a week so he can have outside structure and involvement and give me a break. I've gotten to the point where I just want to go to sleep when he is gone. Our 3 sons give me verbal and emotional support but are unable to help me with day to day care. I have to use a walker and have my own physical limits so it is challenging. I recently have begun having bath help and housekeeping help; this is so great - really relieves me. How do others deal with loneliness? I've lost contact with lots of internet buddies due to their own personal problems.

When my parents got sick in July 2012 friends that called once a week or even once every 3 monthes or so stopped calling all together. Even stopped returning calls or texts. Very shocking since I knew these people for years. Was always there for them during the years. I never needed moral support until now and they are totally gone. Very hurt. Now was husband was diagnosed with panreatic cancer since May 2014 with my 89 year old dementic parents still needing EVERYTHING. Am only child and feel lost. So I know what you mean.

I think this is an excellent article and one I am part of. You would be surprised how many of your friends drop you when your spouse or loved one develops memory issues. Some of your friends give you advice that is almost mean spirited. Some just drop you altogether. Then there are the few jewels that stick by you.

Your comment just proves what happens to a person who is lonely. I hope to God I don't get as bitter as u r. God bless !

I'm a quad and have been alone for 9 yrs, Loneliness is a sign of weakness! Sure isolation is a b*tch. Be strong............Get over it!

If you have been away from your friends for sometime because of your spouses Alzheimer's , tI don't know why but they get on with their lives and forget about what you are going through. As you get older it is harder make friends. I have really tried. I am so lonely !

I can relate to all the comments that have been written--there are so many factors we all have to consider--family support, our relationships to those we care for, finances, family traditions, work, neighbors, losing friends we've already had, and in society today, the speed of changes in the society leaving the older generations behind, even in the eyes of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. So, besides on-line and local support groups, (who someone already commented are comprised of others who are as busy and isolated as we are, and can only spend limited time and effort to support others), can help? I know there are federal/state programs set up to support the elderly AND their caregivers, but I also know they can be offered or not dependent upon where you live. I'm wondering if the programs where volunteers make calls to check on elderly at home could be utilized to support the caregivers? Perhaps if the plight of caregivers were made known to other community support programs, there could be development of supports so our elders aren't cared for as we deteriorate and fall between the cracks.

This article accurately a problem common to family caregivers. I am the sole family caregiver for my 94-year old mother who lives with mid-stage Alzheimer's Disease. As a single, only child I have no siblings or family of my own to help see to mom's care. Over time, friends and relatives have disappeared. I am disappointed and bitter that I have been abandoned by people I have known my entire life. I am lonely and socially isolated. I belong to a support group of children of Alzheimer's patients but do not see the other members socially outside of the group. They have lives and problems of their own. I find it hard to forge new relationships at this point in my life. People I meet do not understand or care about my circumstances.

I had to respond after reading farmers daughter story. My father (78) also passed in November after being diagnosed with Lung Cancer. We took our dad to the ER for a cold and they admitted him that night to the hospital. The next morning an oncologist came into the room with the news. We took our dad home the next day and God took him to His home 10 days later. Everything happened so fast but what made me feel your letter was my parents were also married almost 60 years. My mother is so lost and the grief is never ending for her. I am the youngest of 8 children (48) and was the one to help my father pass with the help of hospice guidance. I have been with my mom the most since my dad passed and I am so lost right now. I see her being scared after being with someone for so long plus her sadness because she misses him. She wakes up every night at the same time because dad always woke up and they would have conversation at this time. I feel her loss because I loss him too but taking care of my mom has taking a toll on me. I need grieve my dad but mom is constantly needing supervision now. It's like she demands my time plus a couple more of my siblings time who have jobs and spouses. I try and do as much as I can but she won't budge on some things. Someone has to be there at night plus she just wants to stay in her bed all day after being up half the night. I know she grieves and have offered to take her to support groups but she refuses. My moms health is not real good either so we have to make sure she doesn't over medicate herself just so she won't feel no pain and can sleep to forget but the reality is my dad has passed and when she wakes up it starts all over. My siblings and I are at a lost. If I try to go home for one day she gets so angry. She will not let us get outside help because she doesn't want strangers in her home so it basically is demanded that we all stop our lives right now and stay with her. I love my mom thats why I'm on here. I need help to try and help her with losing my dad. My dad handled everything...mom never even learn to drive so you see I am desperate. Any advice would help us. Thank you for letting me vent.God bless

Oh, I read this wrong, I thought your brother had the cancer and I see it is your mom. Sorry. Even so, maybe he can have a small allowance and when it is gone it is gone. Then maybe you won't have so much guilt.

It is hard to say who is right or who is wrong. Is your brother cancer free now? Can he work? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you are doing the right thing. If the answer is no and he still has cancer and he is unable to work, then I suggest maybe giving him an allowance for the month. So much to help him with bills and let your government help out with the rest. He shouldn't be "using" her money to keep himself up if he is capable of helping himself. It is hard for someone that has relied on certain moneys then not have it anymore at all. Maybe consider giving so much and then backing off so much at a time. Good luck.

Very helpful becaus my mother is a people person and i have concerns of her being lonely. Her and my brother went behind my back and before i knew it they plan back fired and she ended up in a independant livng home but she cant walk or anything. This was done because she thought she would be able to take care of my 50 yr old brother as she lies dying from stage 4 cancer amoung other things. It's been a very hurtful 6 months bringing Mom down to my County...I really need some one to talk to . My brother has been the apple of Moms eye all my life as we are 8 yrs apart. i am 41 and very independant and my brother is 50 and had been living off of Moms money for the last 12 yrs...until November when I became POA.. Istopped all his bills from being takin out of moms account and I started saving and paying off her bills it became a horrible battle. I have my own home and a Computer busness but since November my brothers has spreaded rumors that Im taking moms money which hurts my heart. Now all moms Money goes to the Independant home she is living at..so he knows he cant get any money and I dont have anything to do with her money any more he now calls her a crys telling her he doesnt have anything..which in turn has her stressed out and trying to find away to help him...I feel bad but to keep momz mental happy and not stressed about a grown man I didnt give him the number to where she is and I have put her cell phone on hold because of being scared that he will stress her out..Am I wrong???

Yes, I couldn't definitely relate. My husband's mom has lived with us for 7 years. In the beginning she had limitations but was still pretty vibrant. About 4 years ago she lost her license so I quit my job so I could take her to social activities and Dr. appt and such. Then 2 and a half years ago Mom had a stroke and became bed bound. That's when I really felt lonely. If it were not for hospice support I don't know how I would have coped. They helped teach me how to change diapers, give bed baths, prevent bed sores and many very valuable skills. I still longed for the fellowship of friends though. I kept inviting all my friends over for luncheons, evening chats, anything we could do at my house. Very few accepted. I praise God for my husband who pretty much was my social life the first year while I was the sole caregiver. Going into the 2nd year that Mom was bed bound I began to experience burn out and told my husband I couldn't keep doing it all alone. We had been trying to protect Mom's dignity but I really needed to get out some and that couldn't happen if I was the only diaper changer so my husband learned that skill as well. For me that was very freeing. Now I could go to some social things at church and not have to get called back home. It even bonded my hubby and I closer together as he began to realize all I was doing. We are a pretty good team but it would be nice to get to go out more often together. We pay for help on Sundays now so we can go to church together and that has been a positive adjustment. I lead a ladies bible study in our home now and that helps me feel connected so we have some changes to combat loneliness and isolation. Its a lot of work at times but worth it.

The article is on target on all points. I feel that even people who knew you for a long time will pull away from you when you become a caregiver. I had one person tell me that she did not think that I had time for her anymore. She was kind of nasty about it and I am having a hard time getting over what she said. Dealing with my parents who are 89 years old and their terrible behavior brings the feeling of being lonely to your life. Thanks for the article.

I think the loneliness problem is compounded by having a selfish, amoral sibling who refuses to help you. Some caregivers have to deal not only with all of the usual issues, but also with the idea that Mom or Dad enabled the selfish sibling while dumping on you. This leaves one with the dilemma of caring for a parent that you do not love or like, and cannot find anyone else to understand this.

Great Article but there is a real lacking of support for cognitively sound but physically challenged only residents. I am very lonely as all 5 facilities I as a resident have been in in CA & AZ have 99% severe memory loss because they are easier to care for because they cannot express their needs or relate. I see the neglect of these memory challenged residents and can report the serious neglect so I am not welcome or believed by the caregivers or administration. This isolates me and leaves me very lonely and disillusioned. I need to be in a facility for younger, cognitively sound, but physically challenged residents which does NOT exist! Patriciam66

I am physically challenged and young (66 years) for a Facility. I am cognitively gifted and feel very disconnected and lonely on all 3 levels in article. All 5 of the facilities I have been in in AZ & CA have memory challenged residents that cannot connect. I feel lost emotionally as my family is cross country in MA. HELP!!

my mom passed on suddenly with a stroke at age 85.after 7 years of caring for her i'm now alone and lost in the world at age 60.the biggest gift i received after her passing was religion.i was shown her passing from this earth and starting to walk towards a destination that was out of my sight.so i'm not really alone spiritually just physically.i think caregivers are looked upon by the lord as special,i wish i knew this earlier it would have made things much easier and better for my mom and me her only son.the bible says jesus prepares you for your meeting with the lord,he did a great job,a flowing white gown standing straight in perfect health and an amazing brilliant blue background.whatever she was looking at gave her a look of awe and peacefullness.now resting in the arms of the lord.

Dear 'Lousey' (from just written post)
My heart goes out to you. I am 50, and My Father
Passed away Oct this year. My Mom (81yrs old) is Devistated from loosing her best friend & husband of 61 yrs of marriage. She is 'wandering'
Around Aimlessly, says she feels Lost. And she is. I dont know how to console her. I wish I could
Relieve her emotional pain, but I cant. I tell her that I love her, give hugs.. But i see the Sadness in her eyes. ( She cries also, then My tears flow)
We are close.. But she is feeling a void that nothing will ever fill. She is Grandma to 4 , and
Great Grandma to 1. We all live the same town.
In a loving way I remind her that she is so blessed to have had a loving marriage for 61 yrs.
Very Few People Experience such lifelong happiness with their best friend. Im sure you feel
That type of Void at this time in your life. Having your husband away from your house. Im hoping that you have family &/or friends that you can spend time with. Sometimes 'Shopping Theraphy'
Can leave us feeling worse than when we headed out of the house. I know this is tough to imagine, but please let people 'be there for you.'
Anyone who truely cares about you doesnt see your tears as weakness, they just want to see you smile again. (Even if just for a little while)
You dont have to talk about your 'situation' better if you dont- my mom has shared that point. Talk about anything else.. Your garden, grandkids, etc
Its OK to not discuss or explain details that hurt.
Just be in the moment. (Or try to) seems to help a little for my mom. Me too honestly. You are not alone on this journey.. Post again.. :)

My husband has been in Alzheimer's care for 2 yrs. I miss him so much! I see him 2 or 3 times a wk, but he can't talk and just doesn't respond to anything. I am so so lonesome and feel so alone. I am going to church , but I can't seem to connect. I run errands, go shopping but you can do that just so much and that can get expensive. I shop just to get out among people. It is hard to make new friends as you get older and the people that we use to socialize with as a couple have disappeared. There are many nights and days I am crying all the time, as I write this it brings tears to my eyes. I don't know what to do

Thank you SO Much for this post...
Really has 'Hit Home' for me. More information on this topic would be GREAT. Thanks again.