When I am upset, I am never upset for the reason I believe I am upset over.
When I am angry, it is never for the reason I think it is.

Gifts come in different wrappings. I don't always like the gift or the wrapping.
I am given these gifts daily from my husband, from others. THEY ARE ALL GIFTS.

Hello Coulditbeme....it has been so long since I have been on this page...almost a year since my husband was placed in care, Jult 2nd, last year...I am still having huge bad days when I feel guilty, but find this is a most peculiar position to be in, not single, not with husband, but in a limbo state, I would rather he be with me, but the former way he was, so vibrant and alive. We had out anniversary last sunday the 7th and I took him out for lunch and some friends and our grandson joined us...that brought back how much work it is to be with him....and then I remember how fortunate I still am, I have my health mostly, and a home, do not want for much except happiness....good luck to all of you still struggling with your loved ones at home, there is nothing you can do to change it, just realize it is not their fault either...life is not fare

I just have to respond to this article.
For background: My dad, brother, and husband died. All within one year.

My mom lost: a husband, an son, and and a son in law. ( and me - her daughter because I was a mess)

I lost: a dad, a brother, and a husband. All wonderful guys and I adored them all.

Mom grieved differently than me. Totally. She went into a make-believe world and I couldn't get her to talk or grieve. On the other hand, I asked all the questions and felt all the feelings. We were the last ones left and completely unable to communicate.
Along comes my mother in law with dementia. I moved her into my house. Through that experience.................a healing took place between me and my mom. I was able to appreciate my mom who still took care of herself. Finally the ice broke and we could communicate again. Without my miserable, vindictive, nasty, cranky MIL...............my own mom and I would still be at odds. God know what He is doing. We just shouldn't question Him. I am angry often with MIL. She calls me a witch with a "b" every single waking minute. It makes me cry. But it also makes me appreciate my dear tiny little 90 year mother. God has his ways and who am I to tell Him what to do? It's all part of the bigger story. PTL

Thanks for this article!!! Your angry sounds so nice.. When I am angry. I spin around and dive into a pillow usually after I showed myself to the person I am angry with. (MY MOM). I spew a day or so and then, come to reality and try to talk to Mom. But, there is no forgiveness from her. That makes me more angry. I just say then, "sorry, please forgive me" and then sing to my heart's desire. You give me insight.. Hope this finds you and your husband doing good.

Thank you for this article. Today is an angry day for me, and I feel very guilty about it. Now I know that it is not because I am a bad person with bad emotions, but that everyone has those from time to time. That'll help me keep it under control and be more compassionate.

Boy I needed to read this today. Thank you.

Yes, but that was a movie and this is reality. I have never raised my voice too my father, not ever. Now a days I must and it is killing me.

Hi, ild1227, I thoroughly loved your reference to " Ground Hog Day " loved the movie, watched it several times and what a wonderful way to describe our existence. Your comment made me laugh out loud and that is a first since I started the topics and comments on this link and the Alzheimer's reading room, we all need more laughter.

Don't slit your throat Willows, there will be better days ahead, hang in there, my situation is very close to yours, my husband used to express himself to me in a very assertive manner before Alzheimer's reared it's ugly head but now he is so sweet and passive and I now I talk briskly to him becoming impatient with him, he walks so slow I take his hand and drag him along, at least it feels like it. Keep in mind there is no typical stereotype Alzheimer's, there are similarities but they all differ in some ways….I continue to enjoy our cuddles and snuggles and that keeps me going…

Great post, and I appreciate it a lot. However, in my case, when I get angry and lose control, I feel doubly guilty later because my hubby, who has dementia, NEVER gets mean. He simply is not following the "pattern" I have read about over and over and over. He is humble, sweet, and grateful for everything I do for him. It's like caring for a toddler more often than not, and it takes him forever to figure things out and to walk from Point A to Point B, and when I get impatient, he stays calm, cool, and collected. He is the one with dementia, but I am the one who is the real patient. What good am I if I sometimes lose patience with a kind, patient, loving man who acts like a child much of the time? These are the times when I could slit my throat!!!

Thank you, Marlis, for validating my feelings, as I have been quite snippy lately and feel terribly guilty about it. I am a caregiver for my great aunt and I don't live with her. She was married to my grandmother's brother who passed away in 2006. She is much younger and moved to the U.S. in the 60's. She has no blood relatives and I have been helping with legal, financial, real estate and medical issues. What is worse is that I am a trained gerontologist with an advanced certificate in grief counseling. I did my internship in hospice and palliative care, and I thought I would be able to handle anything, until I was made aware she probably has the beginnings of Alzheimer's. I am still in denial after a year! When I get plenty of rest, I am OK; however, when I am tired or hungry, I feel the need to have a tempy (as if I were a child). My reactions have surprised me because of my training. I feel like an ultimate failure! I am pursuing a second Masters and am petrified to get a job, but if I don't, I will be homeless in less than a year's time! I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. My car is falling apart and my emotions are on the edge. My great aunt is very defiant and argumentative, and she repeats the same thing (or asks the same question) over and over and over, to the point where I feel like driving my car into a brick wall! Thankfully, she lives in an area that has an abundance of services, and I am currently working with two social worker/RN's (one from her primary care insurance and one from long-term care - which is Medicaid) to provide her with aides, transportation (if I cannot take her to a doctor's appointment) and am working to get her into a senior day care program. She puts herself in dangerous situations at home and no matter how many times I repeat myself, she will act surprised and yes me to death, and then turns around and repeats the same pattern over and over . . . . then yells at me because she is frustrated. I have gotten her a cellphone, a Life Alert (but she refuses to wear it) and leaves the cellphone on the kitchen table. She continuously tells me she doesn't want to go into a nursing home (after a recent hospital and rehab stay when she received a pacemaker). She refuses to sign any legal documents and listens to her two sisters who both live in Italy and have not seen her in many years. They do not know the laws in the U.S., so they do not know the repercussions of not signing documents to protect her. What is worse, I have searched for caregivers meetings and many in my area are during times that are not convenient, or they charge a nominal fee (which is difficult because I currently have no income). I do get a break because I do not live with her; however, that doesn't stop me from worrying during the times I am not there. I have received numerous calls from outsiders telling me of circumstances that have put her in harms way. I live moment-to-moment and I know the inevitable is not far down the road. The worst part of my situation is that she has fallen prey to scam artists who send her letters stating she is going to win millions. She has sent hundreds - if not thousands of dollars over the last few years and continues to write to them, despite my objection and evidence of pulling their names up on the internet to show they are conning elderly. When I complain about my car being a "death trap" and that I cannot find a job, she tells me that once she wins the lottery, I will never have to work again. I feel like I am living "Groundhog Day" over and over and over! So, again, thank you for sharing because I can totally relate to the frustrations. I guess we need to learn to take care of ourselves because if we don't, then we certainly won't have the strength to care for our loved ones.

Thanks for your comments. My Mom lives with me and it is so hard watching her go downhill every day. I want to cry, scream, run away, something, but I just stay put and try to do the best I can. I'll say something to her and she can't grasp the whole comment before she finds something else to talk about or that distracts her. I thought we'd have a lot of bonding together in her last years- she's 95.5, but it's more like me taking care of a young child again. Every day is a challenge and I try to keep a positive attitude, but it is hard. I find praying and talking things out with others who are in similar situations both help a lot.

Thank you for reminding use that we are all only human and we all experience these feels. To expect ourselves to be perfect under conditions that are far from perfect is only asking to be disappointed in ourselves.

Lovingwife what a perfect name for you!!

I know what you mean about fearing tomorrow... I just wishful think it's going to be a good one..

I am so glad you brought up this subject, I hate myself when I am short or snarly with my husband, then he looks at me with those eyes and my heart melts and I just feel so bad, a hug is all it takes and he is over it, unfortunately I can't forget my outburst, there are days I don't care to remember and then a day like today was great, no accidents or weird behaviour in a restaurant at lunch and patience when we shopped, it was a miracle that the day went so well, tonight I will go to bed feeling satisfied and fearing tomorrow….thanks for all your comments. It means so much to hear how others manage.

My Mom quit cold turkey taking Levodopa?

I am very upset my Mom has decided to quit taking her medication for Parkinson cold turkey. I phone her Doctor and she told me to phone Seniors outreach so I left a message today and they didn't get back to me. My Step dad doesn't even back me up in telling my Mom to take her medication. On top of it all he is forgetting big time! So mad at her and him! Anyways just worried my Mom will have withdrawals and get very sick. Does someone on here no a link I can print out so I can show my Mom about side effects can't seem to find one.

I am having a bad day this morning my Mom This morning I ask her did you take your medication she said no I said you need to take your morning one Mom then she told me that she is not taking it anymore that she was quitting cold turkey she is going to take a vitamin that she read helps Parkinson's I was so upset and said things I shouldn't of.

Marlis - you are quite a lady with a lot of wit and wisdom. I was blessed with the honor of caregiving my mom for the past 6 years and lost her over the holidays after a valiant battle with Parkinson's and dementia and all that went along with it - too much to tell. I am so very proud of her - she suffered with a grace and humility I've never known. I buried her alongside my Veteran dad finally at Arlington December 18. I miss hearing her talk of her glory days in the USO. She was a pianist all her life and taught many and prayed with many. Seeing her go through every stage of letting go of her independence from the onset of her illness - driving to reasoning - is a constant reminder of how very precious time is. I had difficult days and nights, but I resolved to be strong for her with prayer as my protection. We all love and care the size of our own hearts, but all is possible with Jesus' encouraging whisper of how He entrusted that loved one in our care. You're right, the caregiver doesn't get the recognition deserved from society let alone family. My hands still hurt for my mom and grief catches me unaware. I can honestly say that even with all the challenges I now face, I would do it again. Thanks again for your wisdom - it lifted some of the heaviness of my heart - Joy

Also, sadly, even when I get the respite visit arranged, I am going to have to spend the entire time going to my home that is being foreclosed on two hours away and moving my crap home by myself because my brother, who has been useless for everything else, but has constantly promised he is going to help me but doesn't is not going to help and I would like to get what I can out before they sell my home, so even my "BREAK' will hardly be a break...I think that is what I am hacked off today about, even my "VACATION OF SORTS" will be anything BUT....God sometimes i hate him.

Patts, yes of course you are right and I know that part of what is wrong with me, well, ALL of what is wrong with me is the tedium, the aggravation, the never ending stress on top of the bill collectors who never stop calling and I am paying what I can and that's all I can do. As far as a doctor, I have long known I need to be there, but right now I can't go....lost my health insurance when I left my job and could not afford the cobra...As much as I know I did this for the right reason, I think maybe this is the most IDIOTIC move I have ever made...trying to do the right thing, the noble thing....losing everything and I do mean everything in the process. BUT ...on the positive side...I seriously doubt I will outlive her so I will not have to worry about what I am going to do for the rest of my life...and isn't that sad to say that is on the positive side. It has become exhausting for me to even wake up believing this is going to be a good day with Mama acting like a mentally challenged child, which sadly is about where she is at these days..only a lot bigger so it is breaking my back on top of everything else....and so the question continues...what the h*ll am I doing???????????? The coyotes are grabbing my beloved cats one by one...I have started bringing them all in at night and they do not want to be in here, so they are driving me up the wall.....the health care aid got her EARLY this morning and for the first time every I was not yet ready ....I didn't even apologize...she came early as she wanted to get her day over early as she had something planned for later....Well, I don't have any plans for later...oh wait..yes, I do!!! I have p!$$ to clean, bottoms to wipe, laundry to do....several times all day long...and now I have trees to cut out in the woods in order to try and deter the coyotes....sadly today I am back to my state of despair...were it not for the circumstances surrounding me and knowing where they're coming from, I would swear I am bipolar......dear Lord, this is horrible.

Hope22,
Please be aware that the respite care is for you, not your mother. Respite, by definition is "rest from a difficult task or situation." You are the one that needs the rest. Hospice is there to help the entire family, not just the patient.

Just a suggestion, try putting a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the front door and ask all visitors to call ahead if they wish to stop by. When someone calls to say they are coming over, say, "Great! That will give me a chance to go to the grocery store while you are here with mom. Thanks for helping me out!" (Kind of puts the guilt on them if they say no.)

You might call a few of the local churches and ask the pastors if there is an older congregant, who can be trusted, who will volunteer to spend a few hours each week with your mom while you get out. And then, GET OUT of the house! This is an important point to your well being. Staying in the house is still stressful. Getting out gives you breathing room.

And finally, perhaps you should talk to your own doctor about these issues of frustration/anger. This kind of stress cannot be good for you.

Good luck and {{HUGZZZ}} to you.

This is very good advice for me, because I get angry a lot when I am with my mother who has dementia. I get angry that she doesn't understand anything, I get angry that she is so slow, or wants to eat candy all the time, or her self-centeredness. Mostly I am angry at myself for being angry at her. I know it is not her fault that she has this terrible disease but dealing with the way she is can be so hard. I pray for patience every time I see her. I need all I can get and she doesn't even realize it.

Thanks...I think you are right.. I KNOW you are right. I know I am losing it...PAST losing it....Mama is already on Hospice. she has been now for about six months....part of what is driving me over the edge oddly enough....they seem to live here but they pop in right at the times when I am finally getting to sit down, eat lunch, etc. etc. yesterday, I had a meltdown in front of the hospice nurse and I think she wrote a bunch of notes about me and so be it. But the unexpected visit yesterday without need ruined my entire day and set me off on this tyrade....I don't have a life anymore...people just popping the h*ll in whenever, they aren't good for anything, can't stay long enough to let me leave and take a break, can't change her, can't feed her, just come in, sit on their ass and make a mess for ME to clean up....when this is over, IF I am still kicking, I am going to find me a place far far away, deep in the mountains where no one will ever find me again and before heading up that trail, turn and scream ":everyone of you low life can go straight to hell" now leave me alone..... OK that felt good..... long story short, the nurse is checking into respite care for Mama...it is way overdue....

Hope22,
It sounds like you need help NOW! Call your local aging services agency to find out about caregiver support groups in your area. Ask them about Respite Programs that could help you hire someone to come in and give you a breather. You might also discuss these issues with your mother's physician and see if she can be put on hospice. If so, your mom can be temporarily placed in a nursing facility for your sanity's sake. You need a break. You need some rest. You need to ask for help!

In fact, if I cannot pull myself out of this, I think it is time to put Mama in a NH....it will be better for her and for me....

This has been a day from pure h*ll for me too. I am angry beyond belief and there are so many other issues going on with me, NONE of which I am going to have any help with, I am literally watching my life crumble before my very eyes. I feel like I am losing my mind...I am certain of it....from spending my entire day try to dislodge an impaction, to cleaning up the constant mess thereafter, to the endless loads of laundry, I have screamed and cursed until I feel like I have popped a blood vessel in my head. I have had it HAD IT. Right now I am wondering why in the hell I ever though I could do this without any help...but then I didn't expect there would be no help until it was too late......I am in a living hell...if tomorrow goes like today has gone, I cannot see myself coming out on the other side alive

Thank-You for sharing this. I am having one of those days today!

Wow Marlis this article summed up so much that I was beating myself up over. It always helps to find out it's not just me. Thank you all so much for your honest sharing. I feel lighter already. Now off I go again into the lions den to see what personality will be waiting for me. It is always a relief when I am greeted with a smile which is not always the case.

Thank you!

Thank you so much for your post Marlis. It puts my thoughts into words. I am thinking of copying this for my friends and family for when they can't understand why I just can't make it home. They have no way of knowing, no reference point. I think this will help. It has sure helped me even if it is to know that there are others out there going through the same pain, grief and yes, sometimes anger.
Lynn